I'm sorry for my silence. I hardly have time to post on my food blog, let alone here. Still, I think it's worthwhile to update those of you who read my blog (thank you) on how my son is doing. Since I haven't blogged in close to two weeks, I'll do my best to share things I hope will help others-- hopefully to give hope and to share what I am learning during this process:
B moved in two weeks ago, today. My husband and I had a meltdown over it. "C" had his share of worries and not wanting my son to come home...all perfectly understandable. His fear was that B would come here and pull the same crap that he had before. C said that he didn't want an addict in the house, because he didn't want the addict behavior that goes with it. I've never heard my husband hiss such anger at me before, so I was really taken aback. Fortunately, I kept my short-temper in check. I gritted my teeth, and as I headed to work I did what helps me the most-- I talked to God in fervent prayer. I prayed that God would soften my husband's heart so that C could find forgiveness for my son.
I have blogged plenty of my son's lies, manipulations and relapses on this blog. Those of us who are experienced parents of drug addicts know that addicts are master manipulators. They lie so easily that they actually believe what they say to be the truth. Despite the heartache my son has put me through, I still love him. My son has his mother's unconditional love. However, I've come a very long way in the last two years. I have learned that for me to say "no" to my son comes easier.
While praying, I was filled with such love for my husband. He is a wonderful person, with a kind spirit and I am very lucky to be his wife. I realized that the root of the problem is that my son isn't his own flesh and blood. C didn't know my son, until he was almost sixteen years old. At that time, neither one of us knew my son had an addiction to opiates. Neither one of us had even heard of oxycontin. My son was also a typical teenager-- rebellious, disrespectful... added to the fact he was a drug dealer, my relationship with him wasn't the best. I was very frustrated with my son, and he went to live with his father.
For those of you who are new to my blog-- my son was living in a very dark world. He was involved with very dangerous people, who have ties with local gangs. No, my son never joined a gang. But, he was dealing drugs in their turf. I thank God, every day, for his mercy on my son. It is truly a miracle that my son never got arrested. It is equally a miracle that he didn't get shot or stabbed. Sometimes my son tells me horror stories of close calls, and I can't bear to hear it.
I tell you this, because I can understand why my husband had a meltdown about letting my son come home. By the Grace of God, C and I had a heart-to-heart talk-- I explained that I understood why it's so easy for him to dismiss my son. B isn't his own child, and he never played a role in raising him. On the other hand, I explained to him my heartache and love for my son-- and why I can't give up on him. I listened to C's side of the story, and I can understand his frustration about addictive behavior. Both C and I came out of relationships with alcoholics, so we've had our own personal war stories that have left us both with war wounds.
C agreed to allow B to stay with us for one month. That night, I sat quietly, while C told my son his honest doubts and fears about him coming to our house. C's final words to B were "let's give it a month, and see what happens from there."
B hasn't been a problem, so far. His work hours differ from ours, so we only see him for an hour or two, before we retire to bed. What is different, this time, is that B is home. His cellphone barely rings at all. When he comes straight home, from work, he stays in his room. When B was using, he was always leaving the house or sitting in his car (to smoke heroin). His cellphone was constantly going off.
As for B's behavior-- he is, once again, the kid I know. His speech is normal and articulate. He's in a good mood and has not been disrespectful at all. His hygiene is much better. His diabetes is better, in that he doesn't have high blood sugars as much. For a Type I diabetic, stress can make blood sugars soar to dangerous levels.
Money-- this is my son's greatest challenge. The good news is, I'm confident he isn't buying illegal drugs, because he would not have been able to pay his rent etc. B lived in poverty, though. After paying his rent, he could barely afford to buy food and he had to pay gas money to people to drive him around. His clothes are looking worn-out, as are his shoes. I can see why the temptation to deal drugs is hard to give up, because back in those days, my son had all kinds of expensive shoes and electronic toys. It's been a real eye-opener to him, but B says he is glad to be away from "the game". Still, I see that my son borrows money to get by until his next paycheck. The problem is, something unexpected happens, and he finds himself broke on payday-- after paying back his cash advance places and friends. I find some comfort in knowing that my son pays back his debts. Still, I wish my son would understand the concept that if you have to borrow money, that you are living beyond your own means.
Last-- my son's sobriety. This is one of the biggest debates between my husband and me. C thinks that as long as my son is methadone, that he isn't clean. C is frustrated that my son isn't going to a 12-step program.
Let me reiterate my feelings on methadone and sobriety-- which is subject to change:
As for my marriage-- C and I are doing well. We don't fight. C apologized for his anger, and I apologized for my reaction. My son gives us privacy and respects our home, by staying in his room most of the time. I see my husband's heart growing more compassionate. This is God's work, I know it.