Codependency Cycle

Now that my son has come clean with his relapse, I have heard the whole ugly story.  I have learned to sit and listen to my son talk, and have learned to swallow my horror, pain and hurt while doing so. To most people, I appear to be okay.  I'm not. I'm devastated.

To all you moms of drug addicts-- you understand the tendency to want to rescue our addicts.  It is so deeply ingrained in us, that everything we have learned from "Mothers of Drug Addicts School" flies out the window.

I'm trying to write blog posts are that aren't so long.  So I have to skip through most of the details. When my son confessed to me, how he slipped back into using oxycontin, the emotions that went through me were so complex-- hurt, anger, disappointment.  Then I got hit with feelings of relief, that it's out in the open.  Anger, frustration and disappointment came at me, as well.   Then, the need to rescue my son becomes so overpowering.

Now, I know that I can't fix my son's problems.  I know all about letting him suffer the consequences.

But, what do you do when you see your son's terror of withdrawals?  This is, I believe, what holds my son back from working on his own sobriety without any kind of drug-- be it methadone, subutex, suboxone or legal marijuana.  My son is so afraid of withdrawals, that he works himself up into a total state of panic.  I react, by taking on the panic myself.  My sirens go off, and I want to help.

B was terror-stricken that he had 24 more hours to go, before he could resume taking his suboxone.  Apparently, this is crucial, or he could go into full-blown withdrawal.  His decision was to hole up in his bedroom, take some Valium (and that disappoints me), sleep through it all until it was time to take his suboxone.  He was determined to sell his iPhone to get his X-Box out of hock, so he could play video games to distract him.

I reminded him that he couldn't do that, as his step-dad made it clear that if he brought home his video games before paying rent he owes (from two weeks ago) that he'd be upset.

So then my son tells me he can  buy a used (old model) Playstation for $29.00 and return it within 7 days for a full refund.

What did I do?  I went to the store, where his friend works, and found out it's true.  So I "rented" the old game console, bought a used game for $5.00 and told myself it would help my son get through detox in his room.  B's friend, who works there, said he'd refund the money paid to my credit card so I considered it a "rental".  The plan was to tell my husband when he got home, that night. 

My husband went through the roof, today, when he found the console in B's room.  C doesn't yell, but he was very upset. That makes me feel terrible.  What backfired on me, is that I told B he needs to come clean with C and tell him all that's been going on.  This morning, B was all set to tell his step-dad the truth-- and I was going to tell him about the game console, that we'd be turning tomorrow for a full refund.  Only, C saw it in B's room and it hit the fan with me. Honestly, I wasn't hiding this from my husband, as I knew he'd see the charge on the credit card.

In retrospect, why didn't I call my husband to ask him for his blessing?  Two reasons-- I didn't want to have this discussion over the phone, while he was at work.  I wanted B to tell him the truth. Secondly, I didn't want his blessing. I just wanted to do it.  I admit that.

Is this enabling?  Yes, it is. I'm guilty.  Coincidentally, someone just left a comment on this post , where I list the signs of codependency.  Here's a portion of that list. I have highlighted, in bold red, what I think I did wrong:

Enabling

Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way as to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.

• PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior.

• KEEPING SECRETS about behavior from others in order to keep peace.

• MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work, other family members)

• BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs)

• BLAMING OTHERS for the dependent person's behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers, family, SELF)

• SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home)

• AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep the peace. (out-of-sight, out-of-mind)

• GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED.

• ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs)

• MAKING THREATS that have no follow-through or consistency.

• TAKING CARE of the chemically dependent person. Doing what they should be expected to do for themselves.

My husband is very upset with me, and I feel terrible about it.  At the time that I made this decision, I had rationalized it as "not costing anything" and as a way to help my son get through a crucial period to get back on track with his suboxone.  I had every intention of telling my husband, but he came home feeling worn out and like he was fighting the symptoms of becoming ill. The next day, he wasn't feeling well, and I had to leave the house for an extended period of time.  This morning, B has returned back to work and he isn't here...  so things didn't go as I had planned.

I made the wrong choice, and now I have to deal with my husband being upset with me.  This is so hard, because C can make all logical decisions. It's easy for him to see things in black and white.  As B's mom, the grey areas take over.  I don't want to enable my son, and in many ways I don't.

I blew it.  I know this will blow over, but I need to remind myself about enabling.  I'm so quick to see it with other parents, because I work at a high school. I shake my head at parents who bring their high school kids forgotten lunches and homework.  I need to get a big mirror and take a look at myself.

To me, this is the hardest part of being a parent of a drug addict.  It breaks our female/mother's hearts to see our child suffer.  The instinct to rescue is so strong.

I'm going back to make my best effort to return to Nar-Anon meetings.  I'm kicking myself enough as it is, but I need to admit I was wrong to my husband-- as soon as my defense mechanisms go away.  I just need for him to calm down.

I hate being in trouble. But then, who doesn't?

--------------------------------------UPDATE ON MY SON-------------------

B says that he made it, and took his suboxone with the recommended 36 hour waiting period.  He says he feels better, and is ready to go back to work.  B says the reason he avoided doing the interview on this blog is because he wasn't clean-- and he was too ashamed to admit it to me.  He will be ready to do so very soon, and I think it's high time (no pun intended).  I'm hoping that sharing the truth about what led to his relapse might help others. We shall see.


PS: I said I'd write shorter posts, but today's is a FAIL in that department. I type 90WPM and I just can't help myself. Sorry.

A Mother's Day with an Addict in relapse - MorningEdition

As I type this, my son is laying on the couch, snoring and very sick. He has a really bad case of strep throat, compounded with bronchitis. I am unable to go to work, obviously. I do not feel it is a smart idea for me to leave my son at home, alone. I will try to blog on today's progress, so please check in througout the day.

How am I doing? I am a wreck. This whole situation feels surreal, and I feel as though I just got news that someone I love just died. I am trying to think calmly and rationally. I cannot cry, though I know that would help to let go of my pain. My husband and I got sporadic sleep, last night. I slept in clothes, in case there was an emergency. We left our bedroom door wide open, and I left the kitchen lights on. I had to clean up B's bathroom, and to put towels around the toilet and sink. He was so out of it, last night, that he urinated in the bathroom sink, all over the floor and toilet.

The best that I can conclude is that my son has 70 of his anti-anxiety pills missing out of 75. This is a prescription that was filled on Wednesday evening. I found a fresh prescription, from a different doctor, that was filled on Thursday. That prescription was untouched. My son drank his entire bottle of cough syrup, to help with his bronchitis. Obviously, B did not tell the doctor or pharmacist that he's an addict. From the web, I think that the combination of both those drugs left my son in a total state of incoherence.

How can I describe to someone what it feels like to see your son walking...no, staggering and barely unable to keep his balance? What comfort can someone give me, if they could see my son trying to talk but all that comes out is slurred gibberish, that cannot be understood at all? All I could do was to soothe him, like when he was a little baby and he had fallen down and hurt himself. I could only struggle to keep my voice soft and encouraging him. I am sure that he has no memory of what he said, or I said.

Throughout the night, B would come out of his room to pee. A few times, I'd hear him in the kitchen and I had to leap out of bed to help him. I found him stirring a pot of water on the stove, but there was no food in it. He was screaming in pain, saying that his throat hurt. Finally, I lured him back to his bed to "relax" and he'd pass out again and snore. Several times, he'd yell out in pain and cuss. I'd jump out of bed to check on him, and he'd be snoring again.

And, so, the vigil kept on through the night. My husband, bless his loving heart, got up at 2am and I could hear him talking to B. B was asking for his cough syrup, and C had to show him the empty bottle. B seemed to be slightly more coherent, but he was still very groggy.

When my alarm went off at 5:30, we were both in a very deep sleep. It was hard for me to not feel my husband roll over and put his arms around me, as he always does. Instead, he was laying on his back, and I felt so bad at how exhausted he must be. I feel so bad that my husband has inherited my burden. I know that he doesn't blame me, but I am concerned that our marriage could suffer from this.

I am, of course, concerned about my time away from my job. I try not to bring my personal problems to work. I've been open about my son's situation, but I try not to let it affect my work performance. I'm fortunate that my supervisor has been compassionate, but I cannot take a lot of time off to take care of my son.

Last night, I did what any loving and concerned parent would do. I got my son's cellphone and I began to search for phone numbers. I wanted to call "key" people in my son's life. I thought of a woman named "C" who has become B's "Foster Mom". She is a woman, around my age, who is a recovering heroin addict. I wanted to call B's two closest friends, whom I know. I also wanted to find his sponsor-- because B has been spending a lot of time with him, and he speaks highly of "D".

I spent a lot of time, on the phone, talking to these folks. I know that my son might become very angry at me for doing this. I will take that chance. My phone calls led me to the truth-- his friend, "Z" admitted to me that the two of them were smoking black tar heroin again. "Z" also told me that his mother threw "Z" out of the house the day before, when she discovered the tell tale aluminum foil with black streaks. I prayed for "Z" on the phone, and I called his mother, at his request. We were able to talk, at length, and offered to support one another.

I was unable to contact B's sponsor, but I got through to his fiancee', "L". "L" offered to come to my house and to take B to his sponsor. I should get a call from her by 8:30, this morning. Last night, it seemed like a good idea. BUT-- B is very sick and he's out of it. I don't know if this is going to work. If it doesn't, I have to call in to work and stay at home with my son. I cannot leave him alone. It is far too risky. I plan to tow his car in to a repair shop (he damaged the steering linkage two days ago, in another accident). There are a lot of phone calls for me to make. I need to find a detox center for him. My son needs a one year program. I cannot afford to pay for it, so I am needing a miracle from God.

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable

How It Works

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
- A.A. Big Book, p. 24 (Substitute your own addiction for drink if your addiction is different than alcohol)

I had to cut and paste this in from 12-step.org

I realize that my son truly has become unmanageable. He has sold his beloved television and was just about ready to sell his golf clubs. That's what his addiction to heroin does. He'll sell things for a fraction of it's value, to buy a balloon of black tar heroion to smoke. It's so pathetic...his addiction to opiates has taken over his life again-- or did it every leave? I don't have the heart to tell my son that his car insurance canceled his coverage, as of March 9th. He had two accidents within four weeks, last May and June. The DMV has a telephone appointment with him-- and I'm thinking he might have his licensed suspended. He has a speeding ticket to deal with. He doesn't have a job. He might miss school, because (God willing) we will have him in rehab. He is broke.

The depth of all this hasn't sunk in, just yet. I know, that as soon as my son is wide awake, that the devastation that his addiction has left in it's wake will begin. I am anticipating that he will blame me and everyone else for his relapse. I suspect he will break down and cry. No doubt, he will feel as though he let us down. I doubt he'll be willing to be with his sponsor. He is in denial, and has lied to me so carefully, that I believed he was clean. All of it...everything...was a lie. That's what addicts do so well.

B needs to start at Step 1 and admit that he is powerless over his addiction to drugs. His life HAS become unmanageable. As his mother, I love him so much, that I want to help him with his recovery. But, even that has it's limits. Only B can make the choice to do everything that he can to stay clean.

I know that I love him, unconditionally. But, I might be forced to make tough love choices. I don't want to focus on that, right now.

Enough for now... 20 more minutes to go...

Lord, I am crying out to you for your strength, wisdom and to know your Will. My son is a gift from you. He is not mine to keep, but your own child of God. I pray that you will expose the darkness in his life with your perfect, loving and healing light. In the name of your son, Jesus, I ask that you would protect my son from the evil that wants to claim my son. I ask for a Victory in Your Name.