Coasting,thinking, pausing

My son just called. I'm at the point where I'm waiting for him to ask for help.
He did. I said no. He hung up. This is all emotional blackmail and I hate it.

I'm trying, but I feel my stomach tightening.

I might take a break from blogging, for a bit. I need to digest so much of what's been said here. I'm researching meetings I could go to. We just got a nar-anon where I live, which is very new.

I need to take a hard look at balancing my life. What meeting(s) will I go to?

My husband and I are okay. We talked things through. He talked to my son. 

Things are so uncertain. I'm definitely feeling stressed. I'll be spending more time visiting other blogs. Yeah, I should take a break from here.  Just for a bit.

My name is Debby, and I struggle with codepedency, anger and being the mother of a drug addict

My son called and said he was ready to go to a meeting with me. We wen tto our Celebrate Recovery at our church.  Several women remembered me, from a year ago. B didn't know anyone, but I noticed that he easily walks up to strangers, gives his name and chats with them. He's just like his mom...

It's a long meeting, though.  6:30pm worship and a testimony. 7:30-8:30, open groups, b gender. Then, coffee and dessert afterwards.

The header today is how I introduced myself.  I left, wondering if I could handl sitting and listening to people talk about their problems. Many talked about their victories. One thing that really stuck out for me, is when the person who gave her testimonial on anger and control said that she has finally learned to let someone else's anger be their own.  Yes, I have a tendency to do that. My husband is angry at my son, and I'm upset about it. That's codependent behavior. Textbook. I'm a people pleaser, and I hurt when I've offended someone.

B said he liked the meeting, but he was anxious to leave at 8:30pm. I wasn't sure if I could do this every Wednesday night. This morning, I've decided to give this a few more meetings. I need to see if I can handle getting home 30 minute before my bedtime. That's also two nights in a row of racing home from work, going to a meeting and then coming home.

Madison, I want you to know that what you wrote yesterday has really spoken to my heart.  I am having to reexamine why I feel compelled to help my son.  I would hope that nobody attacks you for what you've said.  I'm a codepedent, who is struggling with knowing the difference between warranted help and enabling. I need to hear these things, because I have never heard any of what you say at an Al-Anon meeting.

As a sidenote, my son says he is in Day #4 of detox. He is using methadone. How he got it, I would imagine is off the streets.  How he paid for it...

I need to work on not allowing my son to put fear into me to bail him out of any debts for street drugs.

My name is Debby, and I am a codependent.  I need to get to work, now. I don't want to hear from my son for a while. I need to take another look at my boundaries. I have a  lot of thinking to do.

Veteran's Day at Home and the continuing saga....

Thank you! Yes, thank you to every single person who has left comments.  Fractal Mom-- I get you. You are blunt, but I get you and I hope you don't run away.  Madison, thank you for your candid comments. I know your story, because you were kind enough to share it with me.  "Dad", I am surprised that you support my decision to rescue my son from potential harm.  Yes, another drug dealer down. Amen to that.

B went to another NA meeting last night. His roommate "M" didn't go. "M" didn't like it. "B" sounds animated when he speaks of the meetings.  That's encouraging. 

My husband is mad at my son. He says he is angry that my son put me into that situation (having to bail my son out of debt to his dealer).  I understand his anger, but I'm not angry with my son.  I'm angry at the drugs, and I am disappointed in my son. Like Josh and Ryan have said-- I don't think my son wants to hurt me. The drugs are overpowering my son's ability to make stupid decisions. I'm not excusing it. From a sober mom's point of view, it's wrong what he's doing. From an addicts point of view, he needs to see the consequences before he chooses to buy dope. Right now, he's blinded by addiction.

Someone left a comment that mirrors how I feel-- I thank God for the fear he put into my son.  I'm thankful that my son had a frightening confrontation from his dealer...and that his good friend witnessed it.  It scared both of them.  I pray that the fear my son felt will not dissipate and he feels invincible enough to start buying dope again.

Today, I am off from work.  I am going to help my son get his car towed to the dealership, to get it fixed.  There is a Catch-22 in this-- the car could be a means to buy dope or to sell it.  It could also be a means for B to get the hours back that his boss cut until "he got a car, as promised when he was hired".

I'm taking my son to get his eyes examined and for the glasses he needs. His insurance will expire at the end of this year, and these are benefits I don't want to see wasted. 

Most importantly, I will be attending a meeting with my son tonight-- at our church. Yes, "our" church-- the church that my son begged me to try out. I was a member of  a different church. This is a church that has become my "home".  It's an amazing church that my husband and I look forward to coming to every Sunday.
Tonight, we will attend a Celebrate Recovery meeting. I haven't been to one in over a year.

My prayers have been that God will anoint that meeting with a great speaker. There is a young woman I've met at my ladies bible study group. I'm not sure of her age, because her face looks like it's been weathered and see hard time. She could be anywhere from her 30's to her early 50's.  As I suspected, she told me that she's three years clean from meth. She told our group that she lost everything to meth-- her home, her son, and that she is estranged from her family. She began to weep.  Our bible study group is more than answering questions about scripture. It's a prayer group, where we share our struggles and victories in life.

"K" will be at Celebrate Recovery tonight. She beamed when I told her I was coming with my son.  The format of the group is just like Al-Anon, AA or NA.  We begin with worship-- my son's least favorite part. I admit, when I'm tired it's a struggle to feel like singing worship songs.  But worship is an important part of the meeting. We read the 12-steps, as outlined at the bottom of my blog. (Has anyone every read them, I wonder?)  We have a speaker and I've gotten up, once, to share something.  Then, we break up into separate groups, by gender. 

I pray that my son will be blessed by someone tonight. I pray that the presence of God will be in that room.
Most importantly, I pray that my son will keep his promise to come.  If he doesn't, I will go anyway.

Yes, Madison, meetings are important.  My only frustration with group meetings is that we can unload by speaking in group-- but we cannot address anyone.  This is  an exercise in my learning how to listen and not speak. I admit, that I can be impatient when someone drones on and on....but I have to learn to stop focusing only on me.  So, I am going and I hope to go every Wednesday night.

I hope that this blog of mine will become a meeting place for so many of us.  It's important, to me, that people share their thoughts in the comment section. I don't want anyone to feel attacked for what they write. It's okay to agree to disagree, but there really isn't a one size fits all answer to how we deal with addiction in our family. Some people have been brutally hurt by their addict. Others are so desperately hopeful that their loved one will find sobriety the first time they try to 'quit'.   I've learned a lot from all of you.  I do pray for those of you who have written to me, every single morning. 

We are fighting a battle against a powerful and evil force.  I will never lose hope.

In closing, last night's bible study was on the book of Habakkuk (Old Testament). I have never really studied that chapter before.  It was so appropriate for my present situation.  Habakkuk was a prophet. This is his story of how he complained to God that so much injustice was happening around him. He complained that so much evil was going unpunished. God responded back to Habakkuk and let him know that while he would use the Babylonians to destroy Judah (for their wickedness against God), that ultimately the Babylonians would be destroyed and that God would punish those who deserved it.  History shows that this really happened.  The speaker pointed out to us that in Habakkuk, we are taught to live in faith, no matter what our circumstance are. God will, ultimately, deal with those who do evil unto others.  I know that the drug dealers will, at some point, be punished.

I loved the scripture I found in this chapter on living in faith.

Habakkuk 3:17

A Hymn of Faith

    ¹⁷ Though the fig tree may not blossom,
      Nor fruit be on the vines;
      Though the labor of the olive may fail,
      And the fields yield no food;
      Though the flock may be cut off from the fold,
      And there be no herd in the stalls—
       ¹⁸ Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
      I will joy in the God of my salvation.
       ¹⁹ The LORD God ^[c] is my strength;
      He will make my feet like deer’s feet,
      And He will make me walk on my high hills.

A mother's reaction to a dangerous situation

A mother's instinct to protect her child can sometimes become so overpowering, that nothing else matters.

I have been so good about setting and keeping boundaries with my son. But there comes a time, when everything I learned flies right out the window.

I debated on sharing with all of you what has happened within the last 48 hours. Undoubtedly, once I post this, there will be parents of addicts who will shake their heads at me. There are parents who have been ripped off by their addict children, and who have become hardened against addicts ploys for money. I can understand why so many parents have pretty much flipped on the "I'm not enabling my addict's addiction anymore" switch. They do this, to preserve their own sanity. I understand this, completely.

My story is the truth:

My name is Debby, and my son is an addict. My son has been addicted to smoking heroin since, at least, April 2008. He started with oxycontin in 2005, and his brain finally morphed into liking "black". My son is an addict. He doesn't deny it.

OK, I'll cut to the chase--

My son admits that he is "chipping". He smokes some "black" and then uses suboxone to help curb the withdrawals.

Once again, my son got himself into another mess. This is round #3. A mother knows these things. The last few weekends, I have picked up B from his job. We swing by his apartment so that he can gather his laundry. He comes to my house, and does his own laundry. He eats dinner with us. It's an opportunity for my son to visit with us, and it's good.

Saturday, I could tell that my son was really wound up tight. His cellphone kept buzzing. He'd go outside and (this time) I didn't try to snoop. B doesn't live with me, so I figure he needs to deal with his own stuff.

B looked pale and very distracted. I asked him "what's wrong", when my husband wasn't in the room. B didn't want to tell me. I kept urging him to tell me. He wouldn't.

Finally, he told me that his roommate called and that there was a car outside the apartment. It was my son's dealer.
B let me listen to a voice mail. They were threatening my son.

Many parents, at this point, would think "Too bad. He got himself into this mess, and that's the way it is.

I can't do that. Maybe I haven't grown a thick enough skin. My son hasn't been in jail. Except for $40.00, just recently, he has never stolen from me.

B asked me to drop him off away from his apartment. He didn't want me to be in any danger. B called the dealer on speaker phone, and I could hear the conversation.

"Tomorrow, a very heavy Mexican accent said". The call ended.

I dropped off B, where his roommate waited to escort him back to the apartment.

I didn't sleep well. I kept waking and praying for my son. Stress makes his blood sugars soar, which is dangerous for a diabetic.

Monday afternoon, B called me very distraught. He was sobbing.

"Pray for me, mom. Please!"

We prayed together, and my son asked God to forgive him and to help him.

I went into a private room at work, and called B right back.
He told me that the dealer found B, as his friend was giving him a ride to work. The car cut in front of them, and the dealer pointed his hand as though it was a gun. He threatened to show up at B's work if he didn't pay up. Today.

I called B's friend. The story matched. This is the one friend that B has, who doesn't use.

I picked B up at his job, all the while I prayed and asked God for wisdom.

I made up my mind. I gave Brian the money. It wasn't a lot. I listened to the dealer say $150.00.

B pleaded that he only owed $100.00. The dealer said "we want interest." Finally, the dealer say, $120.00 and we are cutting you off.

Thank you, Jesus.

Before anyone judges or criticizes me, please know that I had some important dialog with my son, in the parking lot of his job. I asked my son, why?

B tells me-- and I believe him-- that he doesn't want to use to get high. He says he can't take the withdrawals.

We talked about so much, that I can't blog it all. In a way I don't want to. Not now. Our talk was deep. My son has BS'd me many times. I knew, deep in my soul, that my son is desperately wanting to find sobriety. My son said that he has reached bottom, at last.

Has he?

My son called the dealer and arranged a meeting. I went home to change clothes and to eat a fast bite of dinner. B called and said he wanted to go to an NA meeting. I picked him up.

"Mom, I need to stand up tonight. I want to say, I'm B and I'm an addict. I can't stay clean. I'm desperate. I need a sponsor".

Both B and his roommate were waiting for me. "M" has been sober for a week. He has never been to an NA meeting and wants to support my son.

I said to "M, "I want you to know that I have never hated you "M". Like it or not, I have been praying for you like crazy."

"It's working", he said. I'm sober. I want to clean up my life.

My son will pay me back. He is writing a life plan for me, as part of the deal for my helping him. We are not done. Tomorrow night, B will go with me to a Celebrate Recovery meeting. B wants to return to church. He says he wants to reconnect with Jesus.

I spoke with B right before I went to bed. He said he feels better, having gone to a meeting. He apologized over and over again, to me.  

The hardest part for me was telling my husband what I had done. C wasn't happy with me. He reminded me that I promised I'd never help him get out of his mess.

I did just that. I broke that promise. I was afraid my husband couldn't forgive me.
He was upset, but I had to tell him what I had done. I can't lie to him. I love him too much.

I still feel that I did what a mother has to do. If anyone wants to tell me that I'm a fool, then I will take it. I cannot live with myself, knowing that my son could have been beaten, stabbed or shot over $120.00. I believe that B will pay it back.

My husband hugged me this morning. I think he understands that I love him too much to lie to him. I didn't ask my husband for permission, but I was purely in mother protective mode. I was scared for my son. He was sobbing at a level that tore my heart. My son isn't evil. He's an addict.

For the love of God, please understand that I know that my son needs a one-year program. It isn't in the cards, right now. I'm too weary to list them, because if you've been following my blog I've written about them over and over again.

So, you see-- I'm as human as everyone else. The strength I've been told I have only goes so far. If my son was to end up in jail, or dead-- well, it's something I hope I never have to experience.  I reacted to pure panic over my son's safety.

Today is a new day. I have searched my soul and I feel that what I did carries no guilt in me. I can only pray that my son will remember the fear and that he will finally make the phone calls, today, that we talked about.

I welcome any and all comments about this. Be honest, because I want this blog to be a place where we can share our true thoughts.  My feelings get hurt, but it makes me stronger. I chose to share this moment in my life with you, because maybe there's another mother just like me-- who reacts this way.

Thank you for your prayers. Please pray that my son will stay with NA, that he will get a good sponsor and that he will finally work hard-- the odds are not in his favor-- to find sobriety and keep it.

Today's meeting is a response to this comment

I think I might possibly be on to something-- it seems that when I post a specific comment (or comments) that this blog explodes with people voicing their opinions...or two cents. I love it!  I hope that this format-- totally unplanned or pre-thought-- will invite more people to join in our my "virtual" meeting.  We need a forum, where we can come together and talk-- and share-- and cry-- and encourage parents, wives, husbands, kids about the world of addiction.

So, today, I want to address one of the blogs that I value, highly. It's from "Dad" of the blog "Dad & Mom".  I value what Dad has to say. He has a son who is an opiate addict. His son has put them through far more than my own has.  From what I gather, this is a two-parent family who is successful. Dad is a smart business person. He writes well.  So, here's what he wrote, in case you missed it. It's from my post dated November 7th, titled "Robbing Peter to Pay Paul":

I agree that $700 turns into $1000 and then to $10,000 and will not end. However I have one thing to add other than to just pray about it.
I have found my son is sorely missing problem solving skills. I believe those skills really begin to develop at the age when he was heavily into drugs. When he comes to me asking questions such as your son was asking he may have been asking for help but only knew how to ask for money.
We take for granted our problem solving because it was learned so long ago. We are able to see OPTIONS. We are able to recognize helpless and hopeless and know the difference. My suggestion to you next time instead of responding with pray about it try to see if your son is receptive to teaching in a soft manner.
Our son's must learn to problem solve without the only answer to them being "oh well nothing is ever going to work so I might as well get high." Teach about goal setting, teach about developing action plans, teach about measuring progress. Isn't there something in the bible about giving a fish or teaching to fish?

I agree with this, "Dad".  I recognize that, though my son has above average intelligence, he has no organizational skills. I see a lot of attention deficit disorder characteristics in B.  He is always late for appointments, or forgets them altogether.  He procrastinates. He loses things.  B has been this way since junior high school. Is it drug-related? I think his drug use has made his lack of focus even worse. 

The last time that B lived with us, I bought hima really nice leather-bound organizer. I gave him a palm pilot which he lost (it was a cheap one I got as a free gift from a bank, so I don't think he sold it). We have a large calendar where I write down appointments and reminders-- they have colored stickers.  I even designed a user-friendly work sheet for my son-- for him to calculate his monthly expenses.  It's so simple to use, that all he has to do is write down how much his paycheck is.  There are columns where he tracks his rent, gas, food, insurance.  I even designed it where he can list his debts, and watch the balance owed decrease. He really liked it!  He said it made him feel hope, when he could see that he could pay off a debt in "x" amount of paychecks.  I even taught my son how to use Quicken and set up his checking account for him to download his transactions-- still, he kept overdrawing his account.

But, B tends to get excited about things...and then his interest wavers. Then, we're back to square one.  He gives up using the tools I've taught him or given him.

Sometimes I  see behavior in my son, that is just like his father. I know, I know...it sounds like I'm pointing fingers. Hold on-- please keep reading.  B's father is 63 years old.  He had two inheritances that came into his life-- significant amounts of money.  Every penny is gone, from bad business decisions and extravagant spending.  His father has no retirement savings.  He is over $150,000 in debt, with no chance of being financially sound again.  His father cannot get a job.  His father is suffering from near-blindness from his diabetes. His father smokes 2 packs of cigarettes-- a day, against doctor orders, and he cannot quit.  His father has always suffered from depression.  Sadly, I don't think B's father has many more years to live.  In fact, B's father hit such a low blood sugar, this weekend,  that the paramedics were called in. He almost died.

This was the demise of our marriage-- financial problems.  My husband hid our debt from me, until it was too late. I'm the polar opposite in how I handle/honor money.  I seem to have inherited my mother's organizational skills.  I'm married to a man who is one of those employees that are worth their weight in gold.  We are not rich, but we are not in debt. We figured out how to do it. Want to know how?  We spend less money then we earn!  We pay our credit cards, in full, every month. 

My son has wasted thousands of dollars with is inability to manage money. Even when B was dealing drugs, he spent all of his money. He sold everything he ever owned, to drug debt. Had I not charged my son rent, while living with us, and put half into a savings for B to move into his own place...he would be on the streets right now.

But, there is hope.  B is paying his rent.  He's eeking by. My husband and I do believe that B doesn't want to use.  We see his shame and desperation -- and maybe he's close to finally accepting the help that is there for him.

My son asks me for advice.  I offer it, if asked.  I make sure to watch how lengthy my answers are.  I am careful to not sound condescending.  Sometimes, my son receives it. Sometimes, I think I'm talking to an invisible spirit.

Yes, I can see the answers. I know exactly what my son needs to have a chance of finding sobriety. My son is so young, at 21. He is beginning to value my wisdom but comprehending it all is another matter.

I'm not sure what part of the bible that Dad is referring to. Is it the sermon on the Mount, where Jesus fed the crowds with a few loaves of bread and a few fish? Or, is it when Jesus says to  his disciples, "Come and be fishers of men."? 

The best self-help book that I own is my bible.  I own a study bible-- New King James Version, to be exact.  It has study notes on the bottom, to help me understand the Greek translations and to give me clarity on what some of the (sometime) confusing scriptures.  When I read scripture, I find wisdom and God's promises to us.  There are exactly 365 "Fear nots" written in the bible. It's true!

Prayer-- to me-- is my conversation to God.  Many times, the bible says to "pray and ask" God.  When I say that I am praying about something-- it is not my last resort. It is my first conversation.  Prayer calms me down, when I am angry or afraid. Prayers gives me strength, because I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit.  This is a concept that non-believers don't understand.

I will never abandon prayer in all that I do.  When I pray, the answers come.  It's hard to explain, to non-believers. There is a book out called "A Case for Christ". It is written by Lee Strobel. He was a reporter for the Chicago Times and he was an atheist. He set out to disprove the bible-- that's it's all a fairy tale.  In the end, he became a Christian.  It's interesting how many people dismiss the significance of the bible.  I often wonder why they dismiss it, having never read it!  Have you?   C.S. Lewis was an atheist.  He went on to become a believer in Jesus Christ.   The bible, to me, is God's story.  I find it to be one of the most fascinating books ever written. It's rich in history and it is accurate.  Predictions have been made, that are indisputably correct. Read Isaiah 53... what are the odds that Jesus's crucifixion was so accurately written long, long LONG before it happened.

I digress.  I'm getting carried away. I can't help myself.  I'm passionate about this topic, can you tell?

Things are bad with my son, today.  He is refusing to take insulin and his blood sugars have soared into the 800's.  His AIC (if you are in the medical field, you know what this is) is at 17.  A normal one averages at a "7".  My son could go blind, soon. His kidneys are in danger of being irreversably destroyed.

My son doesn't love himself.  He is spiraling into a dangerous place.

I will blog about that another day.  Right now, I am praying for my son with such a strength and conviction-- that I feel so close to God at this very moment.  My son is in danger.

My name is Debby and my son is a Type I diabetic who is addiction to heroin. 

God  help us, please.