A Candid Interview in my Son's Own Words About Suboxone, Relapse and Sobriety

My son is sitting across from me, and I am going to type his own words.He just returned, home, from work and he handed me a cash receipt for gas that he put into his car. He says he wants to be accountable for where his money goes.  He has $5.00 left.  He says he is feeling better, and had a good day at work. Here is my son:

Mom: Can you briefly explain why you feel suboxone is going to help you with your sobriety?

Son: The main reason, #1, it fills that void...that craving. It stops the craving. It makes me function, just as I would on opiates or as you (mom) would.

#2. It's a "leash" with a blocker in it. It gives me a minimum 12-hour window to consider whether to use or  not.

Mom: So, what happened? Why do you think you relapsed?

Son: There are multiple reasons. First, plain boredom. I had lost my X-box. I hadn't worked in a while. I had too much time on my hands and I hadn't taken my sub for over 12 hours. Just being in a dark place, at the time, just added up.

Mom: Why hadn't you taken your sub?

Son: That was accidental. I just fell asleep and I normally take my sub before bed.

Mom: What happens if you don't take your sub?

Son: By that morning, it had been over 24 hours, so I was feeling withdrawals and cravings and knew that I could technically use.

Mom: Can you describe that deciding moment to use.

Son: Two Words. F**k it.

Mom:  What did you use?

Son: Oxy.

Mom: How did you feel?

Son: About the same. I had enough of the suboxone left in me, that it didn't really have much effect at all.

Mom: So, why not stop right then and there?

Son: I guess since I had already messed up, I wanted to get loaded one more time and then stop.

Mom: How long did you use?

Son: A good month, off and on. I kept trying to get back on to suboxone, but could not wait the 36 hours induction period. I kept getting precipitated withdrawals and would immediately run for an opiate to counter-act it.

Mom: What are precipitated withdrawals?

Son: It's when you still have an opiate agonist in your system... I guess that's what you call it. And, the active drug in suboxone basically boots out and empties out all the opiate receptors, which puts you into maximum withdrawal, times 10. Absolute hell.  You won't die from it, but you wish you had.

Mom: What did it feel like when you took a sub too early?

Son:  Imagine ice water being poured over your head...your entire body...frozen. All the hairs on your arms, legs, neck standing on end. Your muscles in your legs and arms start....just.... like creepy crawly...like you have bugs under your skin. You cannot sit still. You vomit, uncontrollably. Shivering, shaking, panic. The panic is the worst part, by far. Knowing you can't do a damn thing about it. Then you (mom) would come home, and I'd have to put on a facade that everything was okay, or go to work.

Mom:   So, what was the turning point to come clean again?

Son: I was burning through my cash, with no explanation. My lies were getting...just, I couldn't keep track of the lies. I could see it in your (mom) eyes. I was really getting dark. My mood was getting very dark, every day. And... you confronted me. And, I saw my chance.

Mom:  How are you feeling right now?

Son: Optimistic. Hopeful. Ashamed. Scared. But, I feel normal again.

Mom:  What did you learn from this?

Son: I learned that I got no enjoyment from using, like I thought I would. I romanticized it so much, thinking it would ...you know.... help me work better, give me confidence like it used to when I was younger...but, the truth is, it did nothing. Subs are the way to go. I wish I had never done them (oxy). They say you learn from your relapses, and I've had a few, but this one was profound for me....how much work it was to be in that lifestyle. It took everything from me, in a manner of weeks. Money, friends, trust and for what?

I used to function. I lived to use and used to live. Subs negate the living to use and using to live, and instead give me back a normal functioning life.

Mom:  How long do you plan to use suboxone?

Son:  Honestly, I'll stay on suboxone as long as I need to. There is no downside to long-term. Like Dr. Junig says, if it ain't broke, why fix it?  If these work, then why not?  You know...

Mom:  What do you say to people who believe you should just quit everything, tough it out and go completely clean and sober without suboxone, methadone...or any kind of medication?

Son: I'd say hold your breath and see how long before you have to inhale and that panic sensation kicks in, fight or flight.  That's what it feels like when that craving is gnawing at your brain.  That's what I feel every day-- and if all it takes is a suboxone to stop that, why wouldn't you? It's either that or risking jails, institution and death everyday.  Or, how about a diabetic? Could a diabetic keep the sugars down without insulin? Could they just do it with diet and exercise? Back in the day, that's how they did it. Now there's insulin which takes away all that hardship. The point is, is it wrong for the diabetic to take the insulin because it's the easy way out? There's no side effects, is there? Suboxone is the same thing-- it's insulin for opiate addicts. Why wouldn't I take my medicine?

I guess if you've never been there, you just don't know-- especially opiate addiction. It's a 24/7 nagging at your mind...consciousness and for me subs turn that off and give me a chance at a normal life.
(Mom's note: My son has Type 1 Diabetes and is insulin dependent. What an ironic analogy)

Mom:  Those are the only questions I can think of, for now.  Is there anything else you want to say to this reader audience? Or to me?

Son:  I'm sorry for all the lies. All the Bull Sh**. But... I hope I can learn from this and do it right. Thank you for all the support you give my mom. I know how much you all mean to her, and for helping her through this and in turn helping me.

Mom: Thanks, son.

Mom: I just thought of one more question.  What advice would you give a parent who is going through this, at the beginning of this horrific journey?

Son: It depends on the addict, obviously, if it's a long-term addict... I think suboxone is the answer. To do an induction at a doctor's office. To at least give them a shot at it. I think that everybody deserves a chance. I know I've had more than one.

Mom:  I just thought of something else? Why didn't methadone work?

Son:  Because you can still use on methadone, and most people do. The problem with methadone is...it's a drug that allows you to continue using, care-free. In the end, it's near impossible to kick. Harder than the drug you were trying to get clean from in the first place. I met more drug connections at my methadone clinic, than I did anywhere else.

Mom:  What do you say to those who believe that NA (12-steps)  is the answer to sobriety?

Son: I say that I met my best drug connect, ever, an NA meeting during my first stint at sobriety. It can work for some. Most, even. But, it's not a one size fits all program.

Mom:  Would you ever try NA again?

Son: Probably not. Honesty has always been a huge struggle of mine. I need to learn to be honest with myself, before being honest with another-- sponsor and such. NA is the program that demands brutal honesty.

Mom: What's wrong with brutal honesty?

Son: I've been an addict since I was 11 years old. Lying, manipulating...something I was good at. I did it for half my life and it's something that's not easy to break.

Mom:  How can you learn to be honest?

Son: With practice, I guess. They say "one day at at time". I gotta realize that you aren't my enemy.

Mom: Anything else?

Son: I want to thank Dr. Junig and Subox Forum for their support, without which I would not be here right now. Clean and sober. Again.

Thank you, son, for your candid answers.  I hope that this interview will touch people's hearts, and educate them from an opiate addict's point-of-view.  Your comments/feed back are appreciated, and my son will read them.

Coming up next, articles from Dr. Junig, of Suboxone Talk.   

So far, so clean (except for my house)-- and allowances for things

**I just tested B. He's clean for opiates. THC comes up with a faint positive. From what I've read and asked-- it could take longer to clean out of his system. Yes!!!!**

Yesterday, I decided to take a day off my obsession about B's addiction. Easier said than done. Besides, work has been insanely busy with a lot of deadlines. That helped.

I finally have my car fixed-- turns out that it was a faulty battery. The sound of the engine roaring to life, this morning, made me sigh with relief. The upside is that B has been driving me to work at 6:45 each morning. It's nice to have that time to talk-- though I have so missed my daily devotionals on my iPod and my "me time" in prayer to the Lord. Instead, I've had to grit my teeth while B kept changing songs on his iPod (I don't even want to know how he bought that...or, whatever).

B had a rough day, yesterday. He forgot to bring his suboxone with him. We didn't have time to turn around and get them. By the time that B came to have lunch with me-- 5 hours later, I could see he was having a rough day. His eye dilate and he seemed antsy. His whole demeanor changes where the "calm" vibe is gone. I bought us my Japanese Bento box lunches (for $6.00, what a bargain) and we drove to the ocean. It was raining, but we kept the car window open so that we could hear the surf. It was a wonderful time spent with my son-- I'm actually beginning feel less nervous around him.

He has 9 units of college classes signed up. He needs one more. That way, we can put him on our group insurance, instead of COBRA. That should save us $250.00 a month. Whew!

My son is a good golfer, and it helps him a lot.

I have debated giving my son an allowance. No! I would not give him cash. But, I've decided that I want to make some things possible for B-- things that he appreciates, and as a mom, it is something I am willing to do.

Golf! I made a deal with my son to do a list of chores. Wouldn't it be nice if he did them just out of the goodness of your heart? C'mon. How many of you have kids like that -- yes, B is 20 years old, but he's stunted from drugs. Truly, he's in high school, by maturity level.

He's still not 100%. He says he's feeling really bad. I hope he goes to a meeting. I'm going to drive to our golf course and buy him a round of golf. I'll pay for it-- trust me, it's a city owned golf course...not some shi-shi country club, because it's way out of my price range. We're talking $15.00.

I'll get him a haircut, too.

Speaking of-- I need to get busy cleaning my house. This whole episode of B's relapse has taken a huge toll on everyone.

Can I exhale for now? Tonight, my husband and I are going out to the movies. I'll cook (to save money) and he cleans. I need quiet time with my husband-- to cuddle, hold hands and feel like a couple again.

Just for today-- I thank God for another day of life. I thank you, Lord, that my loved ones are safe. Thank you for the rain you've blessed our thirsty land with, and for the sunshine that has brightened our day. Thank you, God, for my son's sobriety...just for today.

I pray for the families and loved ones, who have a daughter, a son, a husband, a wife, a sibling, a cousin... in jail because their life has become so unmanageable from addiction. I pray, Lord, that would you give them courage, strength and wisdom. Father, I pray that these addicts would surrender their concept that they can handle their addiction by themselves. They are powerless over their addiction. May your perfect light of love shine upon them, that they can take that first step to sobriety.

Amen.

Just for today, what a cliche'

In my last post, I had mentioned that my son had tested clean. Many thank you's to my newfound parents of addicts and friends, who are visiting my blog and posting comments. Thank you!

I've been reading new bloggers sites where they describe the emotional roller coaster on being the parent of a drug addict. Sometimes I feel as though their stories mirror mine.

For those of you parents who are in the first stages of being the parent of an addict (that is, your child is going through Round #1 of rehab), I can see how naive I was then. Just reading my earlier posts, I can see how I thought my son could get "better". I guess it is our naiveté that makes us think that our kid will detox, go to meetings and this whole thing will go away.

Little did I know, that relapse is part of the process...again, and again, and again.

So, while I'm elated that B tested clean I am also very, very cautious about his sobriety. In some ways, it's like trying to lose weight. You have every intention of dropping the points on the weight scale. You start off eating healthier and exercising (I am speaking from personal experience, here). You keep a food journal. You say "no" when someone brings in a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Little by little, that hunger in your brain craves sugar. Just a bite won't hurt. So, you start to nosh when nobody's looking. You skip a weight watcher's meeting.
Before you know it, you pull into Carl's Junior to get that bacon cheeseburger that you crave. In my case, I dont' eat fast food. It's dessert that is my caloric snare. It's like valium to me.

Bingo.

With my son, and opiates, he tells me that he has thoughts of using-- and he is in day #10 of not using opiates. He says that this is harder than I can imagine. I told him about my struggles to resist sweets (I have a strong sweet tooth). He paused, thoughtfully, and then nodded-- "yeah, mom, that's kinda how it is with me".

B and I have been doing a lot of talking. My car won't be repaired (mechanical problems) until Saturday. B has been getting up early to drive me to work. It's been a good chance for us to chat. Yesterday, for instance, he said he was feeling a lot of withdrawals. He curled up on his bed to sleep for a few hours, having tossed and turned all night long. His appetite is good, though. When B was using, his appetite was one of the first things I'd notice would wane.

Trust is something that is going to take a long time for B to rebuild in me, and his stepdad. I feel like a woman who has been cheated on by an unfaithful husband...over and over again. In October, I heard the whole script-- I screwed up. I'm sorry. I'll go into rehab. I'm clean.

I didn't read between the lines of his calls to me, from San Francisco, where he sounded so depressed. There's another clue that all is not well in B's world-- and that he's most likely using.

B was chipping in December, when we allowed him to come back home. That was an Oscar performance! He was good. He was going to meetings, but he was hanging out with his friends that he used with. All of them were fresh out of rehab.

Duh. I thought to myself, that didn't seem right. But, I believed "B" when he'd reassure me that his friends were all "clean". Ha!

So, here I am. Giving my unfaithful husband, aka "B" one more chance to stop deceiving me.

I have to be fair, though. I really don't think that my son plotted to DELIBERATELY deceive me. The addiction was too strong for him. He set himself up to fail-- hanging out with friends from his past. He was not ready to quit. He thought he could use a little, and though he had everything under control. These are his own admissions.

The addiction is bigger than us.

I live each day in the moment. Like so many parents of addicts, I long for a day when I don't have to think or worry about my son. I wish I could rewind back to my trip to Hawaii with my husband-- just last October. We were in paradise. Our cellphones were turned off. We were a couple, enjoying time together...holding hands, sleeping in, sightseeing... until the dream came to me at 3:00am. "My son is using".

Little did I know, until the day I returned home, that my dream was prophecy.

I try not to look back too much. What happened cannot be changed. I try to look back so see what signs I missed. What could I have done differently?

Wisdom is what I cling to. I need to learn all that I can about addiction. My husband doesn't want to spent anymore time on this topic. I understand. But, this is my son-- my one and only precious boy. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world.

I am here for him. It's what a loving mother does.

One day at a time... So, just for today, I am having a good day. I pray, each day, that B will be able to pass my random drug tests with flying colors. B is in good spirits today. He's busily trying to get add on codes from classes at our junior college.

One Gem of a Blog Post

I wanted to update that my son tested as clean last night. The three of us cheered, in joy. FYI-- we are aware that addicts are known to keep urine stashes and to switch them. We make him test in our bathroom and check him beforehand.

As B and I hugged each other, he was trembling. "Mom, I want this (sobriety) so bad!"

As the mantra goes-- one day at a time....relapse is part of the recovery...let go, Let God, "The Three C's-- I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I cannot cure it".

Got it.
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How I wish I had found this blog much sooner! The woman is a brilliant writer. LOVE her blog!
It appears that she's not going to blog for the month of February. I'm hooked.

I had to post one of her MANY insightful blogs on being the mother of a heroin addict. It spoke "VOLUMES" to me:

From: "Broken Hearted Mom"

My son has been a heroin addict for 8 years, give or take a year. Junkys have a hard time with chronological events. I know heroin. I know rehabs, paraphernalia, police cars in the drive, relapses, lies, dope sick, proper attire for inmate visits, counselors, social workers, and endless advice from people who don't know shit about heroin. I know that if your kid is addicted to prescription opiates or crack or alcohol, you are living a life similar to mine. Don't know much about meth, except that my son did it a few times when he couldn't get his drug of choice, heroin. He said he didn't care for it. How lucky am I!

If you came here by searching heroin, because you are in that frantic early stage where you think that by educating yourself, you can fix this, I give you the top ten ways you can tell your kid might be an opiate addict.

#10 You can't find at least one item of yours that had great sentimental value and cannot be replaced.

# 9. You sleep with your car keys under your pillow, and keep your purse under the bed.

# 8. You have received at least one inappropriate and shoplifted Mother's Day gift.

# 7. He doesn't have one of the Christmas or birthday gifts you've bought him.

# 6. All of your day is spent on his overwhelming problems.

#5. Everything has to be done RIGHT NOW

# 4. Your idea of rock bottom is his idea of another day in paradise.

# 3. You've had him jailed because you wanted him to be safe.

# 2. You sometimes believe that he can overcome this with your unconditional love.

# 1. Your head knows its not your fault, but your heart is broken.

Sleep interrupted

I'm so thankful that our beautiful weather continues, though we really do need rain. I live in an area that relies on agriculture to feed a lot of families. The sunshine is helping me to feel joy in appreciating where I live.

How is B today? AFAIK (as far as I know...and I will precede updates a lot with this acronym), he went to his first day at our junior college. He is late in signing up for classes, but we verified that he can still do this. Tomorrow, we (C and I) plan to pay for his classes-- with a LOT of caveats! First, he has to test clean. B says he's ready and willing, and confident that we will not be disappointed.

Let me digress, and I know I'm famous for doing this-- I am sleeping well in spurts. I dream a lot of my fellow parents of drug addicts. Reading their blogs takes a lot out of me, emotionally. I feel such compassion for their troubles. While B has never been arrested, nor stolen anything from us-- I know that, if his addiction goes full blown, that this could happen. I toss and turn, with fear that my son will test positive. I fear having to use Tough Love, Phase II. Truthfully, it scares me to death. I worry about my son being an insulin dependent diabetic and being out on the streets with needles. I have to stop thinking like that, I know.

C and I talked about supporting B's desire to go to college. B did not get his financial aid applications in on time. With the state budget crisis, we also know that it's going to be tough to get money. C and I decided that we will "lend" B the money to go to college as long as he tests clean and that we pay the money to the school. It should cost a few hundred dollars. That hurts us, a bit, but we are trying to help B to get an education. We've told him that he must complete the classes. If he's failing, he can't drop. For this semester, we just want to see him COMPLETE the classes. If he's struggling and needs to drop, then we have to know.

C feels that B should maintain a 2.8 GPA. Truthfully, I don't care about the GPA, as much as I care that he goes to school and does the work. B has dropped out of college three times. This is round four.

I want to say positive things about B.

I see an improvement in him, physically. When he's using, his clothes looks dirty and he doesn't shower for days. His skin looks really bad (I've got 15 years of experience as a licensed esthetician). His appearance looks good enough to apply for jobs. His skin is clear. His eyes look bright and alive again. He is not antsy.... pacing, and constantly wanting to go someplace. ("I'll be right back". How many of you parents of addicts are all too familiar with the nervousness of an addict who is using?) His profanity (which makes me wince) has gone from Rapper quality to PG-13.

B is home a lot. He is helping around the house. We don't have to ask for help, he just does it.
B is not argumentative. We can talk. There have been no confrontations. He is changing his cellphone number and he's deleted most of his phone numbers, including his dealers.

I've said this before, and I've been proven wrong. AFAIK, B is not using. I did not realize that I had used my last drug test, until this morning. I ordered more, today. I should have them in 2 days. That's a reprieve for my son.

My car broke down last night. Great. I've got over 200,000 miles on it, though it still looks good. C and I don't want to buy a new car (even used) because of the economy. We are being very careful. B is mechanically inclined, like his dad. So is my husband. Hopefully, they'll fix the alternator for a fraction of a commerical mechanic.

B drove me to work, this morning. He even got up at 6am and was out the door with me at 6:45am. I no longer feel edgy around him. I feel like we are connecting. He headed off to classes, AFAIK.

He got the insurance snafu fixed, so he's headed to the outpatient clinic. He needs to start a program, and that is another one of our conditions. He agrees and says he wants to do this.

B told me that he needs to know that I stop worrying about his not using. He says that he has to prove it to me and to give it a chance.

I will try. Still, I struggle with worry. I miss having a solid night's sleep.

Still, I will test him...often.

Praying for many families of addicts.

The addiction is bigger than us and an update

My husband reads my blog. It's a weird feeling, in a way. Yet, I am posting my personal story for anyone to read-- people I do not know, are reading my story. When I write, I am allowing my feelings--in the moment-- to manifest through my speedy typing on a keyboard. Sometimes, my thoughts might appear as a very lengthy read. To others, I am honored to receive private emails and comments-- from people who tell me how touched they are or how they are experiencing what I am going through. I read every single comment and email, and I appreciate them.

I'm not a professional writer, by any means. I'm not a drug counselor, a psychiatrist, nor a licensed therapist. I am, simply, a mother who has a son who is addicted to opiates. I am also a mother, who is divorced from my son's father (for about 12 years now) and who remarried three years ago. Corny as it sounds, I am serious when I say I married a good person. I'm not writing this, because I assume that "C" is reading this. I also know that his sister is reading this. I married someone who remained a bachelor into what many people would consider to the "The Stone Age". He has no ex wives in his life and he has no children. Me? I have ex-husbands and one son. Still, he accepted me having received full disclosure from me of my past. I have been completely honest with "C" because he is the kind of person that I feel safe with.

Something that C and I have in common is that both of us were in relationships with addicts. I had a very brief "drive by" marriage between my divorce from B's father and my marriage to C. I don't like to talk about that chapter in my life, very much, because I feel so stupid. I did not know that this person was an addict and an alcoholic. C's relationship with this woman lasted for many years. Neither one of us knew our "significant others" were using...he thought she was sober... I was never disclosed by "him" that he had a drug and alcohol problem. I never knew his dirty little secret, until after I married him and he bled me financially dry and stole from me.

That's more than I meant to share, but so be it...

Ultimately, both of us bailed out of our prior relationships. Neither once of us wanted the addictive behavior to be in our lives, anymore. I could only endure the alcohol and drug use for a year-- he stuck through it all much longer than that. Consequently, he knows more about addiction that I do. Both of us had vowed to ourselves that we would never get involved with an addict again.

So, once again, addiction has come back into our lives...his life. I feel so bad about it. It's not my fault, but I still feel a lot of guilt.

At the time that "C" and I were engaged, he wasn't living with me. B was living with me, full time. I was unaware that B was using drugs the entire time that C and I dated, and became engaged and then married, over the course of 2 years. "C" and I went to see a counselor to ask for advice on how to blend as a family. Our counselor told us that the best role that my husband should strive for was to become an adult role model to B... a "mentor". We were told that this would be a very slow process. B had me all to himself for several years, so we knew that there would be some resentment. The process has, indeed, been slow. Today, I think that my son has begun to notice what a good person it is that I am married to. I think that B is seeing C as a good adult role model. Still, C has been fooled by my son's lies. Understandably, C is not a happy camper.

What I adore about my husband is that he is so dependable. He's the kind of person that you can count on to follow through on his promises. He pays his bills on time. He's a hard working person and treats me in such a kind and generous way. That I think he's the most handsome man I've every met is mine to own. He has finally shown me what a healthy relationship is supposed to be.

My greatest fear is that my son's addiction could tear at our marriage. Right now, I don't feel as though we are in trouble. But, I also know that our marriage is as vulnerable as anyone else's. I have a tendency to become controlling, when I am feeling pressure. I hate it, and I fight it. What most people don't understand is that my wounded child, within (from physical and bad relationships with men) can come out in me. I catch myself lacking patience, or being short with my words. If I'm not careful, I can easily slip into my micro-managing persona and asking "did you do this" or, I need this...NOW. My voice takes on a tone of authority, and less of compassion. I don't even know that I'm doing it, until my son or husband points it out. Then, I feel bad. I don't deny it, and I try to be aware of it.

What people don't understand is that this has become my coping mechanism. I feel more secure with structure and systems in my life. I'm not a free-spirit, if that's a more understandable term.

I'm writing about myself, and this blog should be about my son. But, today, it is important for me to try and sort out what role, if any, I can play in helping my son-- while trying to protect my precious marriage.

I have not had a chance to talk to C. That he tells me he is reading my blog brings me mixed emotions. I feel a little exposed and vulnerable, to him. I know that he's a very private person, and he must worry that someone he knows will read this blog. As for me, I'm a very open person. I will not live my life in shame or secrecy about my son's addiction. I don't like TALKING about it to people-- in fact, I do not want to repeat his story over and over again.

"Read my blog! Try to understand!", are some of the thoughts that go through my head, when people call with the purpose of talking to me. I don't want to talk. I know that sounds rude, but I would rather that people read my blog.

I appreciate when people write to me about their own story, or offer me advice. Sometimes, the advice I receive comes from a person who is not a parent or an addict. I know that they mean well, so I do not allow myself to take offense.

OK, I'm beginning to see that today's posting is getting very lengthy. I apologize to those of you who prefer to read in shorthand. But, today, I need to share my feelings.

Let me fill in what happened since yesterday:

I called my brother, A. He was home, taking a day off. I asked if B could spend time with him. I'm not sure why I called him, but I had hoped that my son would be able to unload to his Uncle, whom he adores. So, I drove B to his uncle's house, just a few minutes away from where I work. At that time, I didn't fully realize that B was in the stages of early withdrawal. I will post more on that another day. To those of you who do not know-- withdrawal from opiates is horrible. I have been told, by addicts who have gone through this, that it is pure agony. It is painful, sweating, vomiting, spasms...it is hell.

I'm getting sidetracked again-- I just spend 1/2 hour talking to a student who is failing all of her classes. I strongly suspect that she is "using". I made her cry, because I drew all of my mother instincts and I connected with her. She is crying out for help, and her mother is clueless that she has straight F's and she is cutting classes. Hello? This girl told me that she thought nobody cared. I tried to give her a pep talk. I want to call her mom (and I know her) to tell her "Wake up! You've put your daughter in five different schools in three years! Changing schools is not doing to change your daughter! Pay attention to her!"

Changing rehab centers isn't going to fix addicts, either, I thought to myself.

Sorry. Back to B's update:

I picked B up from his uncle's house, when I got off work. The three of us had dinner. B said he was hungry, but he was unable to finish his meal. I had to take my night class, so I picked B up from his uncle's around 8:00pm. On the way home, we talked. I listened more, and I let him talk (a newly acquired and vital skill for parents).

He said a lot of things. Are they truth or hopeful promises? Am I being manipulated? I think that they are hopeful truths.

B has an intake appointment on Thursday afternoon. It is for a one year outpatient program, where he is randomly tested and has to attend regular meetings. He believes that this is the program for him. We shall see if his insurance will cover it. He knows that I cannot and will not pay out of my own pocket. I simply cannot afford it.

He asked if he could stay at our house to detox. He has suboxone, to help. He also needs to get better from his strep throat. I have agreed to allow him that. What else could he do? Detox on the couch of house that is inhabited by addicts? I think not.

C was asleep when I got home. I checked my email and then fell into a deep sleep.

This morning, I could see that C looks very stressed. It scares me when I see him this way.

"The addiction is bigger than us", is what he said to me-- with an exasperated tone.

Yes, it is. No matter what the books say... no matter what logic says... there are no fool proof solutions that are universal.

Someone wrote an email to me, yesterday, that echoed exactly what I said to my husband. I said that that "B is a 20 year old inside of a 15 year old mind". Tough Love is not the absolute answer.

C and I need to find balance in how to deal with this horrible situation. We need to find how to give my son a lot of love and hope. We need to learn how to detect the BS Meter. Right now, we cannot focus on his academics or job. We need to find HOW to help my son to help himself.

B is the only person who can be ready to WANT...to desperately DESIRE sobriety. He has to show to himself and to God and to us-- that he means what he says.

It will not happen overnight.

The vigil of sobriety begins...