B's progress for the weekend

This weekend has been a hectic one, for sure. Yesterday morning, DH and I arrived early at B's treatment center. B was there, all smiles and looking good. Just like his mom, he doesn't have a problem meeting people. I can tell that he's made a lot of "friends". He's really enjoying being named "Peer Captain". If there is one thing I can say about my son-- and those of you who know him-- he is not shy about tooting his own horn!

On a more serious note-- I learned a lot, today. The class was about PAWS "Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome".

This topic really hit me between the eyes as a HUGE reality check. B nudged me a few times, nodding his head that he has experienced this. Oversimplified, B can be hit at any time with the feeling of withdrawal. That means, even though his insurance company considers him to be "detoxed", his disease isn't finished trying to get the fix that it wants. That's very sobering (no pun intended).

What we also learned about addiction gave me a sense of peace-- the entire 90 minute class had a major theme for loved ones to understand... addiction is a disease. It is not caused by bad parenting. The disease can be triggered by a traumatic event-- such as an injury that required painkillers to be described. I had to really digest this news, but I get it now.

I need to accept that it is not my fault, his father's fault, nor anybody else's fault that my son is an addict. It's genetic. If I shake my family tree hard enough, a few nuts would hit the ground. But, there is a history if alcoholism in my family. I have a first cousin who died just a few years ago, from alcoholism and crack cocaine addiction. His father (my maternal uncle) was an alcoholic. Neither of my parents were.

I finally understand that addicts don't have the switch that we do-- whether it's alcohol, substance abuse, sex, or food... addicts can't can't find the off switch. They are powerless over their addiction and they must learn to accept that. I finally understand that will power is not going to help an addict. They don't have willpower. Their brain can't do it.

Now that I understand this, I am feeling deep sorrow that my son is an addict. I realize, now, that he did not become an addict because he toyed with smoking marijuana, at the age of 12. My son is an addict, because once he found the high that gave him the sense of escape and "well-being" that his brain wanted (for him it was Oxycontin), he doesn't have a switch to turn it off. His brain likes oxycontin.

I also understand, now, that no matter how much I threaten my son, use "tough love", enable him, try to shelter him from drugs-- it doesn't cure his addiction. It just can't.

Ultimately, my son is the only person who can help himself. B realizes that he will be an addict for the rest of his life. He cannot be cured.

I can see why the 12-Steps is the ONLY way for an addict to cope with PAWS. It's going to happen-- tomorrow, in a week, in five years. Without having a sponsor, and people who he can trust and turn to, when his addiction tries to make him use-- he is a sitting duck. Above all, I believe that if an addict has a faith in God-- then the addict has a stronger chance of getting help to get through an inevitable episode of PAWS. The reality is, addicts must learn to cope with the temptations that cannot be hidden-- alcohol and drugs are too easy to get.

B has a long way to go-- my feelings are always changing. At one moment, I am so thankful for the program he is in. I'm so thankful for the people who have taken my son into their home. B seems highly appreciative for the help he's received from the treatment center, us, and his "foster home".

At times, I feel we are climbing Mt. Everest with flip-flops and a 500 pound backpack named "addiction".

Sometimes, my heart just grieves for the little boy who was so full of joy and innocence.

I have so much to learn about addiction. I have only scratched the surface. I'm so thankful that I have found two Christian based support groups that I plan to attend, faithfully. Even going to church, this morning, felt much different. With my eyes closed, I listened to the worship songs that were being sung. I found strength, peace and hope, because God promises me that he will never leave nor forsake me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (New King James Version)

6 Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.”

On the way home, from church, I prayed for my marriage. My husband has been so supportive of me, and his stepson. It's important for us to make time for conversations other than just talking about B. We need to take care of ourselves, and to find time to enjoy and love each other. Otherwise, I'm going to grieve for B to the point that I will become addicted to the addict. I can't let B's addiction paralyze my life. I want to continue to enjoy my life, which I am.

I'm feeling very blessed right now, because I feel loved... by God, my husband, my son and my wonderful friends.

Philippians 4:12-13 (New International Version)

12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Blessings,

Mom

The early stages of Bs addiction and a WARNING LABEL

I am hoping that what I'm about to write will reach very deep into the heart and soul of any parent who suspects, or knows that they're child/teenager is "using". I want this statement to jump out of this page, grab your attention and I am asking...no, I am PLEADING, with you to listen!

Here is what I have finally come to learn about addicts. Are you ready?
They are master manipulators. They lie. They will look at you, deep into your eyes and they will work right to your heart-- they will tell you whatever it is that they know you want to hear.

Are you with me?

I clearly remember the day that my son first admitted, to me, that he had a "problem" and that he had been using Oxy-Contin. That was January of 2006, just a few day after I returned from my honeymoon. I can still remember that moment-- seeing my son looking at me nervously. My heart just reached out to him. I deperately wanted to be "cool" about it. I did not want to yell and scream at him. So, I listened to his story. It wasn't pretty, I can tell you.

All that my mind could hear was that my son was in trouble. He owed money to someone, and I was afraid for his safety. So, I made a decision that was one of many-- do I give my son "dirty money" to pay his "dirty debt" so that I don't have to lay awake at night? He took the money, and I made him pay it back. I was in my early stages of denial-- denial of how serious a problem he had.

B professed that he was through. He was not going to use anymore.

In the meantime, his step-father and I "googled" to read about the drug, Oxy-Contin. No matter what we read, I had no idea just how addictive and dangerous this drug is. Parents BEWARE:
Oxy-Contin is highly addictive! There is one more warning that I never saw on the internet-- please stop and think about this... how is your child/teenager/family member/loved one getting this drug? Unless they have a trust account or they have won the lottery, these pills cost as much as $50.00 each. As my memory serves me, B was taking several of these a day. Do the math...

I don't want to scare you, and yet I need to make you very aware of something I never considered. An oxy-contin addict can resort to stealing, pawning and selling everything that has any kind of cash value. I began to realize the depth of Bs addiction when he sold the $1000.00 laptop that his father helped him to buy. BIG, big, BIG warning sign!
NOTE: By this time, B was not living at home with me.

I take a small comfort in that B never stole from me. I would know, because I count my last penny! No valuables ever went missing from my home.

But there is one more thing for you to realize-- this is huge. In order to afford this addiction, the addict will probably need to resort to dealing the drug. If your child/loved one resorts to dealing, try to visualize the chain of command. Small time dealer, bigger dealer and then you can place your bet that it will lead to gangs. It's that dark and ugly of a world. Because street drugs are big money, illegal and a greedy profit.

With that said, I have much to share with you in future blogs. I've had two years of believing that B was doing much better. I kept looking for a glimmer of improvement in him. He was enrolled in college (dropped out, though). He was getting out of bed early. He was playing golf (and he's good at it). He was talking "down" about people who "used".

Yes, I believed it all. I listened to my son talk about how much he hated drugs. I believed that he does (and I still do). He was spiraling towards a relapse that I didn't see coming soon enough.

And here we are. Day #13 that my son is in a detox/recovery center.

I did not take his addiction seriously enough. I knew that my son needed professional help. But I kept hoping that he was doing this on his own will power.

He can't. It is not possible.

If anyone, who is reading this post, has someone in their life who is using drugs-- I beg you! Out-patient doesn't work. It just doesn't. Take them far away. Pray a lot, and never give up.

But, please... go to any or all of these resources for meetings-- Al-Anon, Nar-Anon or Celebrate Recovery. Educate yourself. Learn about co-dependency.

Because we love our kids so much, we tend to blame ourselves. We need to learn how to be strong and to see how we are enabling their addiction.

I have a long and difficulty process ahead of me. I think the hard times will happen the day that B leaves this medical facility. I need to be strong and able to say "no" to enabling B's addiction.

I could not do this without my faith in God, my husband and my precious friends.

I already know of a few parents who are thinking that they can help their addict with their recovery. That's where his father and I failed him. We did not use "tough love" until it was too late.

Be strong. Pray for our kids, please. They need intervention.

In Jesus' Name,

Debby