More food for thought from a comment from "our" side

I am starting to really appreciate  the lively comments that happen when I post a comment that I've received.  I posted Ryan's comment, because I appreciated what he had to say. I would like to post a comment to that comment-- one that was sent from Fractal Mom.  Ryan-- and anyone else who is an addict-- I mean no disrespect or offense.  In all fairness I wanted to post a very thoughtful comment from a parent who has been on my side.

Before I post the comment, I want to share my view from those of you who are encouraging me to help my son get out of his dangerous situation.  Angelo, this is also a time I want to say how much I feel that you have become a caring "friend" on my blog, and I thank you. You don't have an email address, and that's okay. I'm anonymous, and I certainly can understand why others remain anonymous. Isn't that part of the "program"?

Anyway-- when you read Fractal mom's comment, she reflects much of how I feel. My son has lived with us twice. We allowed him back into his childhood home to help him go to college and to find sobriety.  My son never completed one college course. Not one.  Expensive books were lost, and our money thrown away with it. Unfortunately, my son has relapsed multiple times-- despite the love and encouragement we (his step dad and I) gave him. Multiple times, we found the telltale foils hidden in his room. Multiple times, my son had stories on how they were old. We did the drug testing, and my son cleverly hid stored urine in a body cavity that he shrewdly switched in the bathroom--though my husband stood outside an open door. I felt so deceived when I found out that all the "negative" results were a lie. My son knew that he would have to move out, if we found drugs in the house. After several "second chances", this move is final. I cannot allow my son to move back. The only way I would change my mind is that my son has been clean and sober for one year, has a job and wants to go to college. That's it.

As far as my son's trust fund goes-- what's left of it (most went to pay for his rehab), there is only enough to pay for a sober living environment for 2-3 months. Tops. I won't allow it, anymore. My mother worked hard, her entire life, to save this small token of her love for her grandson. That money was intended for my son's college, or for something that would be a good thing.  My mother's heart would break if she knew that her grandson was a drug addict.  I can't throw the money away for drug addiction, anymore.  I am the trustee of this money for four more years. I pray that my son will find sobriety, by the age of 25, and that this money will be a precious gift from his grandmother...who loved him very much.

My son's dangerous living situation is a direct result of his own choices. My son chose to lie to us, and he brought drugs into the house. My son chose to buy drugs, on credit, and then found that he works and works, only to pay off drug debt.  While my son is a sweetheart, when he is sober, he has to make a decision on what to do. All the options and tools are before him. I ahave empathy for his addiction, but there are countless folks who are working a program, and who are staying clean. I have reached the point that I cannot be the person who enables his inability to learn to think for himself. I must distance myself, as much as I can. I could help my son, in a heartbeat, to move out of his apartment.  But, once again, I would be the person who enables B's inability to figure things out on his own.  My son needs to learn to take care of his own messes. I believe that my son wants sobriety, but I don't think it's top on his list.

So, without further adieu, I want to share what Fractal Mom had to say.  It's raw, and it's obvious that she's been through so much heartache.  She speaks words of wisdom that parents who struggle with codependence and enabling their addict children to take a look at the results:

well. I have the following to say to any parent of an addict who is entertaining the idea of letting the addict live in their home while they attempt sobriety.

any other kids in the home? (bad move)

do you work or can you devote your entire life to 'assisting' the addict in his/her quest.

can you sleep with your purse and all your valuables?

can you provide 24 hour eagle eye watching?

can you use every single iota of your energy on the addict and leave nothing for yourself?

I don't hate addicts. I hate what they and the addiction do to the real victims, the families of addicts.

we spent almost 8 years trying to be supportive and allowing our addict to be surrounded by loving family members to help her find sobriety. She went on to have two children, steal us blind, and screw up my relationship with her three siblings who ended up hating her for taking their mom away from them because all of my energy ended up going to 'being supportive' and also taking care of her children while she was still using over and over.

Yah, if you are single, have a good income, work from home and have lots of time and energy to devote to your son, maybe it's a good idea.

but truthfully, an addict who WANTS to get clean will find a way.

anything else is just plain old enabling. Not supportive.

Ask anyone who has been there for over 10 years with a heroin addict child, male or female. Living in the home DOES NOT WORK.

And, it puts you at risk of losing your home in a drug bust.

just my opinion.

An Anonymous Comment from "the other side"

This comment was left on my blog yesterday. Ryan-- whomever you are, thank you for your honest feelings and suggestions. I wanted to post this, today, to share this with other moms. I have to remember that my son doesn't measure time the same way that I do-- because I am sober and he's not. I think my son wants to be sober, but he is trying to do this alone. He can't. I hope that you will continue to visit me, and talk to me. I respect your anonymity.

Anonymous said...

Hello.. My name is Ryan and I have been reading your blog for about 3 months now. I am 23 and an opiate addict myself. I initially started reading your blog to gain perspective on how it must be for my mother dealing with an addict. I feel horrible for all mothers in this situation but I feel just as horrible for the addict whose parents make getting sober that much more difficult. I am not at all insinuating you are making things difficult for your son as you are doing the best you can. But take what I say with a grain of salt... I am sure by now you have figured out an addict doesnt just get sober over night. It is a battle everyday. A day in the life of an addict feels like a solid week compared to that of a sober person. A week feels like a month and a month feels like a year. You may not understand why your son cant make it more than 5 days. Hopefully that gives you a little insight. I know you feel he needs to be on his own as most parents do at our age. That is perfectly fine, but as long as he is in the situation he is in there is no hope of him getting sober unless he has the will of GOD. You shouldn't feel guilty for helping him get into a situation that allows him the best possiblity for sobriety. Whether that be at your home or a sober roomate. They tell us in rehab that our odds are 1/20 of getting sober. Help create the best possible odds for him assuming he really does want to get sober. Everyone is different but for me I had to move back home. I love my mother very much just as he does you. Being around her daily and having that responsibilty to her helps me tremendously. Yes it sucks if I want to get high but her presence humbles me. She always knows when I am high. You should too. All you have to do is look for the pinpoint pupils in your sons eyes. I am by no means in recovery yet as I just recently relapsed from a 34 day sobriety streak. But I know what doesn't help me and a roomate situation like that would eventually take me off the deep end. Get him out of there ASAP. Maybe I am wrong but thats just my 2 cents. On a positive note, I enjoy reading your blogs and they have definately been of help to me as it helps me feel the pain I cause to my own mother. I hope all works out for your son as this is a miserable existence. But remember we will be better people because of it in the end

My name is Debby. My son is an addict, and I am a co-dependent

I have been reading every comment, very carefully. I cannot say, often enough, now much they mean to me. At times, I might not agree with someone's advice, other times I can totally relate. This particular comment has made me pause to think:
Written to me by Suboxone Mom:

read all your reasons for not attending meetings. What stood out the most was that you were at those meetings for your son.

"Each woman is given as much time as she needs to talk. An hour later, I'd hear all about overeating (something I can relate to, but I'm there for my son) or someone's sexual molestation stories from childhood (which broke my heart)."


But the point of the meetings is for YOU to heal. We are supposed to work a program so that "WE" get better. We are not there to understand the addict, nor are we there to hear their stories. We are there to learn how to live our lives in spite of the addict......


Try going for you, not him. He has his own program, his own higher power. Your going to meetings will not get him better. It will heal you...eventually.

Yesterday, I was (once again) blessed by an excellent message from our pastor. He is teaching a series on "Why Believe in the Bible-- with a little help from C.S. Lewis".  I took lots of notes, because I'm so passionate about this particular issue.  I feel that it is my duty-- as a Christian-- to study the Word. The more I read it, the more I find only Truth.  But that's not what has inspired today's posting--

I picked up a brochure from Celebrate Recover on CODEPENDENCY.  I read it, and I realized something very significant...

I AM A CODEPENDENT.  I have a CODEPENDENT relationship with my son.  As I read the compliance patterns, I could see a lot of myself in these:

Patterns in Co-dependency

What is Co-dependency?

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand Co-dependency and may aid those who have been in recovery a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

Denial Patterns:

* I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
* I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
* I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

* I have difficulty making decisions.
* I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never "good enough."
* I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
* I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
* I value other's approval of my thinking, feelings, and behaviors over my own.
* I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.


Compliance Patterns:

* I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
* I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
* I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
* I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am often afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

* I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
* I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
* I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
* I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
* I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
* I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
* I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
* I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
* I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Compliance Patterns (FROM Celebrate Recovery)

_____ I (not we) declared I was in complete control of my addiction/compulsion, that my life was fine and dandy - thank you very much.

_____ I feel guilty about others' feelings and behaviors.

_____ I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

_____ I am afraid of my anger, yet sometimes erupt in a rage.

_____ I worry how others may respond to my feelings, opinions and behavior.

_____ I have difficulty making decisions.

_____ I am afraid of being hurt and/or rejected by others.

_____ I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.

_____ I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

_____ I am afraid to express differing opinions or feelings.

_____ I values others' opinions and feelings more than my own.

_____ I put other people's needs and desires before mine.

_____ I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise, or gifts.

_____ I judge everything I think, say or do harshly as never "good enough."

_____ I am a perfectionist.

_____ I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

_____ I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

_____ I do not perceive myself as a lovable and worthwhile person.

The statements that I strongly agree with I have highlited in red. Those that I "somewhat" agree with are in green.

I struggle, most, with saying :"no" to my son, when he is in trouble. I'm getting better, but I struggle:

I do NOT want to enable my son:

Enabling

Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way as to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.

* PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior.
* KEEPING SECRETS about behavior from others in order to keep peace.
* MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work, other family members)
* BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs)
* BLAMING OTHERS for the dependent person's behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers, family, SELF)
* SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home)
* AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep the peace. (out-of-sight, out-of-mind)
* GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED.
* ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs)
* MAKING THREATS that have no follow-through or consistency.
* TAKING CARE of the chemically dependent person. Doing what they should be expected to do for themselves.

It is so easy for me to recognize others who are enabling their addicts/loved ones. But, for me to self-evaluate where I am weak is another story-- it is hard for me to see my son struggle. I'm so much better at it, but I can still see where my instinct to protect my son is so strong!
 
I am going to try, my hardest, to return to Celebrate Recovery.  Suboxone Mom, you are right. I need to do this for me. I have identified what it is I need to work on.

Please pray for me, that I'll make this a priority in my life.

Thank you,

A message of hope from an addict

Good morning to my support family and friends,

I'm having a good week, and I'm thankful for it. Last night, I went back to my former Friday tradition of making a Happy Hour treat for my husband (C) and me to celebrate our weekend off. I start emptying out the fridge by making antipasti, cold cuts, fruit & cheese and a glass of white wine or a cold beer. We eat in the living room and talk about our week. We haven't done this in many months. We finished off the evening by watching an independent movie DVD and cuddling on the couch.

Do I miss my son? No. I'm enjoying a more tranquil home and bonding with my husband. I think of my son, all the time.

I received this email, and the author said it was okay to share this on my blog. Her words gave me hope, and I am happy that she has been able to regain a life of sobriety. I feel that her letter deserves to be shared with you, my readers...family...blogger friends:

Hi Debby:
My name is "c"; No one but a very small handful of people know this and it is still hard to speak about it yet I was a heroin addict for about 10 years in my late 20's to almost 40. I am 60 now and clean for over 20 years.
It seems like a lifetime ago. It is.
The reason I am writing is my heart cracked reading your blog. Addicts/users/dopers whatever the label is forget that family is affected more than anyone knows.
My comment to you is never give up on him. He is unique as his story is only his. I did not do AA/NA or any of the 12 step programs as I had an issue with giving myself up to others and since I started this journey by self I wanted to end it the same way. I felt (still do) feel they brain wash you; I know people who were clean for 17 and 19 years and missed meetings and got back into it. Yes, it does work for lots of people yet he is is unique.
I do not have a "birthday" and I do not remember the exact time I first stuck a needle into my arm; so I could not give it power and have a birthday for quitting.
i know for a fact that the time will come that he will be well and your sane son again. There will come a time that he will not think about what it felt like and there will come a time he will not remember that it was anything!!!
I almost lost the love of my 3 daughters; now I am a Grandma of 4 and they all love me.
My Mom (she is 100) forgave me and that was sooooooooooooo important to me.
Please know he is first your son and he will be okay when it is his time!!!
I read some of the comments; everyone, including me, have an opinion and believe me, he is lying to you and himself. He is not wanting to get caught; heroin addicts think they are slick.
Looks are just looks; an addict is an addict; preppy/homeless/surfer/skate border/waitress/comic/actress/girl next door are still addicts; if he thinks he is different or a free rehab will not work, it won't BECAUSE he is NOT ready!!!
I sold heroin and cocaine to support my habit and I had famous singers, musicians and actors as customers.
I take it you are a Californian as you spoke of him going to the Bay area; Northern Californian's say Bay area. I use to live in San Francisco (during the later part of being hooked) and what an easy place to be an addict.
I now live in Southern California and yes, I was hooked down here in the beginning. You take your addiction with you. It is NOT the city, the friends or a way of living. It is you (B).
These are my thoughts; I am a survivor of my own self made hell.
Yes, I o'd many times; emergency rooms, stomach pumped and so much that you do not need to hear.
Never give up; and do not loose yourself or your husband trying to save your son.
Yes, I am anonymous as I have a decent life with people that might just not like me if they knew of my past so I remain anonymous.
Take care
peace
c

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you, C, for sharing this.

I'm off to enjoy the day, with my husband, after tidying up my house a bit. We are expecting an unprecedented heat wave. We live in an area where air-conditioning is non-existent. I don't do well in heat! Yikes. While I don't miss my son living with us, I think of him constantly. When that pang of sorrow hits me, I practice "giving it to God".  I do not have the power to change my son's situation... but I have the power, through God's love, to find peace in my life-- even when the storms of life hit.

Praying for families of addicts, and for addicts who are struggling to find sobriety-- ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I have reached my own bottom

B called me, last night, to say that he was heading to the Bay Area for the weekend.

My heart stopped, and before I could stop myself, I blurted "but, you have no money!".

"I know. "C" said he'd pick up the whole tab".

(Who the hell is "C", I'm wondering?)

I take a deep breath and ask, "Is C someone you should be hanging around with?"

"Totally, mom", he says with conviction.

I don't feel so convinced and my head is spinning.

"But what about the insurance seminar you said you had tonight?", I asked.

No reply.

I knew my son had made up his mind to blow off another potential job opportunity he'd been offered.

He asks me if I still have the phone number for the (crazy) ex-roommate he had in San Francisco. This is the alcoholic mother who B got addicted to oxycontin and then smoking heroin, last year. The same woman who bounced $200.00 in checks to my son (for drugs, I'm guessing), and I blogged about here.

"No, I don't", I reply. "Why would you want it?!"

"I want to make amends", he says.

(I'm thinking, maybe he wants to reconnect with more of Satan's demons.)

"Did you pack your insulin?", I ask.

"Yes, mom."

"What about your suboxone?", I ask. (I hide the whole bottle, doling it out to him daily).

"I have extras, he says".

Quickly my brain sends ice down my spine. He has extras? Is he still chipping, I wonder to myself. I decide to shut up and say nothing. It's futile anyway. He'd only deny it.

"Mom, you sound worried", he says.

"I am. All I can say, B, is to please be careful. Stay clean. Stay sober. I love you."

My husband and I enjoyed some much needed alone time. Just the two of us. We grilled steaks and I made baked potatoes and a simple salad. We were both tired from a long work week.

I slept pretty well, but a few times I'd wake up enough to think of my son and to ask God to protect him.

This morning, I went into B's room to water plants he forgets to take care of.

I saw it. A wad of foil with the heroin tracks.

Burnt offerings to the devil.

My heart lurched and I felt sick.

My husband originally found them, and had written the date on the foils. I have left them, for my son to see when he returns. The foils disgust me.

I ask my husband how he found them. He says he searches B's room right after payday (once a week, on Wednesdays). Thursday night, B stayed in his room most of the night, very quiet. He skipped dinner with us. He came out at 9pm, appearing tired but I didn't notice anything odd.

My son needs to be in a one year program. He needs help. He cannot do this on his own. He's been lying the whole time, and I wanted so much to believe him. Except for about two month after his initial 30-days in rehab, I doubt my son has been clean for more than a week.

HOWEVER, please understand that I am in no financial situation to afford this. My son needs to find one, on his own. I know he's fighting this option, because the free ones aren't the Ritz Carlton. He sees himself "above" the homeless drug addicts. He's right. My son is a pampered boy who dresses nicely and looks totally preppy. He'd feel totally out of place, but he needs to realize that many homeless addicts were probably just like him at one time!

I cannot afford it. Please don't suggest it, because it upsets me. This is out of my hands.

I'm tired of the lies. I hate to say it, but this makes his moving out a tiny bit easier. I've reached my bottom.

Once again, I feel like I don't know my son. He' s in bondage and he needs to reach bottom or he will die from an overdose or end up in jail.

God helps us all.
-----------------------------------------------
ADDENDUM: It's been over an hour since I posted this. My husband has done a sweep of B's room. We've found more foils and more dirty straws. The lunches I have lovingly made for him? Many are under his bed, uneaten and moldy.

My son is using full-blown heroin. He has lied and hidden it well.

I have moved from anger and disgust to pain and sadness. I hate addiction. It's so evil and it destroys everything in it's path.

God help me, please!