I'm feeling pretty tired and worn out. I wanted to write about something totally different, but it will have to wait.
My BFF finds my son to be totally amusing. He is! He's very funny, loves to chat and he is very well-mannered. For that, I am truly thankful.
B is going to one or more meetings a day. He seems to have made a few friends who are living clean, like he is. "C" (who sponsors several people) says that this is healthy. Addicts, who are in the early stages of recovery need to go to 90 meetings in 90 days. It's good for him to have a "family" to encourage one another. He also thinks that he found a sponsor-- and it happens that "C" knows him!
B came to my friend's house, late in the evening (after a meeting) because she is always up quite late. He came to pick up a few things. He returned a short time later to say that he had been handcuffed and searched by the local police. My heart jumped--- but she explained that a car with dark tinted windows in a deserted parking lot makes the local cops very suspicious. B has illegally dark tinted windows, so she says that just asking the police to check it out. B explained that he went to McDonald's and he didn't know it was closed...that's when the cops pulled it and questioned him. Fortunately, he had nothing illegal in his car. It's a good thing that his father paid for a thorough detailing of his car. B asked for that, because he wanted to make sure that there were no "triggers" of any kind of paraphanalia or memories of his past drug use.
In a way, my BFF and I agree that this is a blessing. Hopefully, this will remind my son of the dangers of drug use. He agrees that it's time to remove the dark tinted windows...this is part of the drug culture, and he no longer needs to live that way.
B says that his roommate has sleep apnea, so he snored pretty loud at night.
I'm just thankful that B is in a house where he is subject to random drug testing. The house has a zero tolerance to drug or alcohol use. This is all a good way to encourage B to stay and live clean and sober.
"C" says that B is doing very, very well. He really believes that B wants to live his live free of drug abuse.
That makes me very, very happy. I sure hope to see him this Sunday...what a great Mother's Day that will be!
-Mom-
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
Fraternity House
I just got a phone call from my BFF. B is now a resident of a new address. He has moved into an SLE that she described as looking like a fraternity house. She says that it' s a 100 year old Victorian home that looks like it could use some sprucing up. The first thing she noticed was the Serenity Prayer was posted when you first walk into the front door. B's room is on the third floor, in what looks like an attic room. He is sharing the room with a former meth addict-- a man who looks like a construction worker, and appears to be in his thirties. This guy has lived in the house for a while. My 6'3 son will sleep in a twin-sized bed...I can visualize his long legs hanging over the edge.
B has an HDTV that he just loves. Somehow he, and a friend, hauled that monster to his third floor room. My BFF says that his roommate already has a plasma TV mounted on the wall!!
Anyway, she said that B hurriedly set things in the room and was anxious to race off to a Nar-Anon meeting with his friends.
So...this is it. B is spending his first night on his own... a place that neither of his parents lives in.
I talked to my son, briefly today. He sounded in good spirits. He put together a budget on what his expenses are-- including paying his own car and medical insurance. It's do-able, but he'll certainly learn that the perks he's used to will be a thing of the past.
I hope that my son uses his new "budgeted" lifestyle the way that I did-- I found myself, a divorced mom with no alimony nor child support and I made things happen. I didn't mope or act like I was poor. I simply learned to cook on a budget, and I hung out more at home. I had a few creature comforts-- a TV, cable, kitchen supplies and food in the pantry. It was a challenge, but it taught me how to survive.
I wish that for my son-- most importantly, I pray that he will be safe walking to and from his new home. I pray that he will enjoy how close he is to his treatment center and that he will make lots of new friends. I pray that the fellow addicts he meets are those who are living a clean an sober lifestyle. I pray that these more mature housemates he will live with are willing to take my son under their wing-- and to encourage him to keep going to meetings and to work the 12-Step program.
I hope to see my son for Mother's Day. I would love to hug him, and see his beautiful hazel eyes and long lashes... bright and shiny. I'd love to hear him speak clearly, without drug-induced slur of his voice and half closed eyes.
Sleep well, my precious boy. May God watch over you, protect you and keep you from the Enemy.
I love you.
Mom
B has an HDTV that he just loves. Somehow he, and a friend, hauled that monster to his third floor room. My BFF says that his roommate already has a plasma TV mounted on the wall!!
Anyway, she said that B hurriedly set things in the room and was anxious to race off to a Nar-Anon meeting with his friends.
So...this is it. B is spending his first night on his own... a place that neither of his parents lives in.
I talked to my son, briefly today. He sounded in good spirits. He put together a budget on what his expenses are-- including paying his own car and medical insurance. It's do-able, but he'll certainly learn that the perks he's used to will be a thing of the past.
I hope that my son uses his new "budgeted" lifestyle the way that I did-- I found myself, a divorced mom with no alimony nor child support and I made things happen. I didn't mope or act like I was poor. I simply learned to cook on a budget, and I hung out more at home. I had a few creature comforts-- a TV, cable, kitchen supplies and food in the pantry. It was a challenge, but it taught me how to survive.
I wish that for my son-- most importantly, I pray that he will be safe walking to and from his new home. I pray that he will enjoy how close he is to his treatment center and that he will make lots of new friends. I pray that the fellow addicts he meets are those who are living a clean an sober lifestyle. I pray that these more mature housemates he will live with are willing to take my son under their wing-- and to encourage him to keep going to meetings and to work the 12-Step program.
I hope to see my son for Mother's Day. I would love to hug him, and see his beautiful hazel eyes and long lashes... bright and shiny. I'd love to hear him speak clearly, without drug-induced slur of his voice and half closed eyes.
Sleep well, my precious boy. May God watch over you, protect you and keep you from the Enemy.
I love you.
Mom
Forgiving others, because I am forgiven
I have not posted any new blogs, this weekend, because my emotional well-being has been through highs and lows. Strap yourself in, because I need to unload:
My husband and I had the luxury of sleeping in on Saturday morning, and catching up on household chores that had fallen behind. The last four weekends have been spent commuting 2 hours to where B is in an outpatient treatment program. Saturday night, the two of us finally had a chance to redeem a gift certificate at an upscale restaurant—where we celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary. Our anniversary date is New Year’s Day, but illness and bad storms forced us to postpone our celebratory dinner, twice. This weekend, we vowed that we’d go to dinner, no matter what. “No matter what” resulted in my husband waking up not feeling well. He mustered up enough energy for us to spend two hours, with the cell phone turned off. For the first time in a long time, I felt as though we could focus on our marriage.
For B’s father, he spent Saturday driving up to see our son. (B is moving to his new Sober Living Environment today). From what I heard, B was happy to see his dad and to enjoy a game of golf. My BFF (best friend forever) was shocked to see that B’s dad has not aged kindly. She has known me, for 32 years--eight years before I had met my future husband and father of our only child. She can see that years of smoking and complications of diabetes has taken a physical toll on him. B’s dad (I will refer to him as BM) has become a bitter person and he looks much older than his 63 years. I don’t say this with any malice intended. But it’s the truth. I was to find out, later that day, that BM made a mean-spirited comment about me, in the presence of our son and my BFF. My BFF was shocked at what was said. Essentially, BM blames me for spending all of his money. I've been blamed and belittled so much, that I'm not surprised. I'm just tired of it.
I have finally come to terms with our divorce, 12 years ago. What I mean is that I don't hold any bitterness nor resentment towards BM. There are things that happened between us, that I haven't divulged to our son. Depending on whom you talk to—BM’s friends and family have been convinced that it is all my fault that our marriage failed. I am portrayed by BM as a controlling woman, who ruined his business and spent all of his money. My friends and family see that I became a lonely and neglected wife. I was given the illusion that our lifestyle was easily afforded by BM. Little did I know that his father financed our material lifestyle. I'm not free of blame, mind you. I became an angry woman, and I needed to learn how to change the willful behavior that I inherited from my mother. I dispute the accusation that I spent all of his money. However, being willful-- that part is very true... I just wish B's father would stop beating me up in from of our son. I don't do that to my son because B loves his father.
When I was told about BM's negative comments about me, I felt as though I’d been dealt another sucker punch in the stomach. She didn’t tell me with the intention of upsetting me—she told me because she is incredulous at how untrue his accusations are. For most of the weekend, I had a really hard time letting this go. Once again, I am reminded that my efforts to keep a peaceful and forgiving attitude towards BM is not a mutual one. I felt a need to defend myself, but I know that it's useless. I found myself rehearsing my own defense, to the point that I realized that one of my co-dependent behaviors has been triggered.
I have been reading the book “Facing Co-Dependence” and focusing on my personal 12-steps to recovery. I have narrowed down that I do become highly defensive when I feel my personal integrity is under attack. I become upset when I find out that someone has talked behind my back or accuses me of something that has been taken out of context. My son and I have been engaging in this for a long time, I have come to realize. All my son has to do is to accuse me of something, and I jump into defense mode. This pattern has led into futile discussions where I feel I am an incompetent mom—and I doubt my ability to know how to talk to him. Sometimes, I feel resentful that the things my son accuses me doing is being parroted by something his father has said about me.
This posting is become very long, so I am going to stop. There is a purpose between my journaling my feelings about my son's father. I have no doubt that our divorce has affected my son. My own parent's divorce deeply affected my life-- and not in a positive way. I feel frustrated and helpless that B's father and I are not on the same page. We are such polar opposites, that I cannot see how our son has conflicting values and morals. Sometimes I find myself blaming his dad, but that's not helpful to anyone. I also know that this is not God's will.
I need time to find a forgiving heart, towards him. By the same token, it is time for me to disengage myself from him. We have both moved on with our lives. I know that I am happy with my marriage, my job, my finances and my spiritual life.
I just need to work on letting things go. I have allowed my self-esteem to be shattered too many times. It helps me to remember that I am both loved by God and forgiven because Jesus's death on the cross and his resurrection.
John 15:12
12 This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Familiar suspicions and worries
I am so thankful that it's Friday, and in 30 minutes, I will head home. I have my support group meeting at 7:00pm, so I'll have about 1 1/2 hours to spend at home. Tomorrow will be my first weekend, in a month, that I don't need to leave the house by 6:30am to be at B's treatment center at 9:00am.
I called my son, today, just because I wanted to hear his voice. I can't help it. I miss him, I think about him all the time...he's part of my dreams, and when I awaken during the night I can't stop wondering if he's sleeping okay. I know that I can't let this become an obsession, but this is all so new to me.
B returned my call from earlier this morning. He told me that he was at a golf course about an hour away from "home". Right away, my mind races with thoughts of "who is he with?" "how did he get the gas money?" He tells me he's with a girl named "Annie". "Who's Annie?", I think to myself. Does she "use"?
I hate myself for asking, but I can't contain myself. I lose my resolve to not ask these questions and they pour off my tongue....... where did the money come from...who is Annie... how are you doing with your job search?
I regret asking those questions, as soon as they come out. B answers that his dad gave him a little bit of money, he met Annie at a coffee shop and he tells me not to worry. "Are you kidding me? I'm worried sick about you!" the voice in my head says. The responsible mom in me doesn't understand why he thinks golf is more important that finding a job. Why is he spending money on gas and hitting golf balls, when he has to save every penny he makes? End of discussion, I say nothing more. It's pointless, really...
The truth be told, I feel resentful that I work hard for my paycheck. Why can't my 19 1/2 year old son start to realize that he needs to get his priorities in order?
Any moment, B is supposed to be headed with my friend "C" to check out his new home.
Tomorrow, B's father is driving up to see him and to buy him a round of golf.
Please, BM (B's dad)...don't enable him. Don't give him money. You are only postponing B learning how to make responsible decisions.
I'm reading the Nar-Anon books, and about co-dependency. I know, in my heart, that I need to let go and let God. I know that I am powerless over B's Addiction. I know that B needs to make his own choices, and that he needs to suffer his own consequences. I know all of this!
Still, I keep praying throughout the day that my son knows what to do when temptation comes his way... I wonder how strong I can be if there is a second round. I shouldn't think that way, I know.
The last 30 days really took a toll on me. I appear strong to my friends, husband and co-workers (most don't know what I'm going through). I am able to keep it together when I share at my support group-- my voice quavers a little, my eyes fill with some tears. But, I seem to be able to quickly compose myself.
I know that the only reason I can keep myself together, is that I do believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us. I believe God's promise that he will never leave us nor forsake us.
It is my faith, alone, that keeps me from losing it.
I made it through one more day... let's see what tomorrow brings. For me, it's a morning to sleep in, stretch and to return to my usual routine of taking care of my home.
Till tomorrow,
Debby
I called my son, today, just because I wanted to hear his voice. I can't help it. I miss him, I think about him all the time...he's part of my dreams, and when I awaken during the night I can't stop wondering if he's sleeping okay. I know that I can't let this become an obsession, but this is all so new to me.
B returned my call from earlier this morning. He told me that he was at a golf course about an hour away from "home". Right away, my mind races with thoughts of "who is he with?" "how did he get the gas money?" He tells me he's with a girl named "Annie". "Who's Annie?", I think to myself. Does she "use"?
I hate myself for asking, but I can't contain myself. I lose my resolve to not ask these questions and they pour off my tongue....... where did the money come from...who is Annie... how are you doing with your job search?
I regret asking those questions, as soon as they come out. B answers that his dad gave him a little bit of money, he met Annie at a coffee shop and he tells me not to worry. "Are you kidding me? I'm worried sick about you!" the voice in my head says. The responsible mom in me doesn't understand why he thinks golf is more important that finding a job. Why is he spending money on gas and hitting golf balls, when he has to save every penny he makes? End of discussion, I say nothing more. It's pointless, really...
The truth be told, I feel resentful that I work hard for my paycheck. Why can't my 19 1/2 year old son start to realize that he needs to get his priorities in order?
Any moment, B is supposed to be headed with my friend "C" to check out his new home.
Tomorrow, B's father is driving up to see him and to buy him a round of golf.
Please, BM (B's dad)...don't enable him. Don't give him money. You are only postponing B learning how to make responsible decisions.
I'm reading the Nar-Anon books, and about co-dependency. I know, in my heart, that I need to let go and let God. I know that I am powerless over B's Addiction. I know that B needs to make his own choices, and that he needs to suffer his own consequences. I know all of this!
Still, I keep praying throughout the day that my son knows what to do when temptation comes his way... I wonder how strong I can be if there is a second round. I shouldn't think that way, I know.
The last 30 days really took a toll on me. I appear strong to my friends, husband and co-workers (most don't know what I'm going through). I am able to keep it together when I share at my support group-- my voice quavers a little, my eyes fill with some tears. But, I seem to be able to quickly compose myself.
I know that the only reason I can keep myself together, is that I do believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us. I believe God's promise that he will never leave us nor forsake us.
It is my faith, alone, that keeps me from losing it.
Hebrews 11
By Faith We Understand
1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 2 For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.
3 By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.
I made it through one more day... let's see what tomorrow brings. For me, it's a morning to sleep in, stretch and to return to my usual routine of taking care of my home.
Till tomorrow,
Debby
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Fly away...
Today, is my son's first day of being discharged from his treatment center. He completed 30 days of being clean and sober. It's his first milestone, and one that is celebrated by so many people who love and support him.
God's blessings continue to pour down on my son. He has been accepted into a Sober Living Environment (SLE) just a hop, skip and away from his treatment center. Until a week ago, I didn't even know what an SLE was (that goes to show you how uneducated I am about addiction). Now that I understand what they are, I feel a sense of comfort that B will be making a transition from being an in-patient, to an out-patient...and how he is going to learn how to make a gradual transition back into the world. Tomorrow (Friday) he will visit this home and make arrangements to physically move in. He will be able to attend ongoing meetings at his treatment center as an "alumni". These are evening meetings, that are at no cost.
It has been over thirty years, since I flew from my childhood nest. I can still remember how exciting it was for me to move into my cute little apartment that cost $150.00 a month to rent. It had a small kitchen, claw-foot tub with shower, tiny dining room and a small living area/sleeping area overlooking a beautiful view of the ocean. I shared that apartment with my brother and a girlfriend. Today, a place like that would cost at least $1000.00 a month. That's a lot of money-- far beyond what a young person could afford, even with today's wages. So, I am happy to hear that the SLE that B will be living at will cost $450.00 a month, plus a small fee for cable. This is affordable!
Last night, B excitedly said that he needed to buy new bedding and some things for cooking. I'm so conditioned to thinking that there are boxes of these things in my attic...things I've saved for the day that B would finally move into a place of his own. But, after sleeping on it, I realized that it would mean a lot to him if he could buy a few new things to make his room feel like it's "his".
This morning, I called B to tell him that he'll be given a budget to shop for things to decorate his place. He sounds excited, and I feel I've made the right decision. I reminded him that he needs to pay for this from his trust account, and he readily agrees. So, my BFF will receive the money and she will take him shopping. Yes, I still have to take measures to make sure that B doesn't get his hands on big sums of money. I wish I didn't have to think like that, but it's how things will need to be for a while.
I want to keep a positive and open mind that B is on the way to starting a new chapter in his life. He has lived the last two years in denial of his problem...unwilling to admit his addiction to me. He was a little more candid with his father, but he still didnt' tell all of the truth. He's admitted that he told his father just enough information so that he'd get sums of money to buy the drugs he needed. He admits that he has pawned things, manipulated and lied to get money to feed his drug addiction. I tried to be careful not to fall for his manipulation, but I did anyway. B has admitted to me the different ways he's deceived me into believing that he needed money to play golf-- his passion. At least, B did not resort to stealing things.
But, that is in the past, now.
I am excited that my son is moving into a place where he will be completely on his own-- away from the protective and watchful eyes of his parents. He will need to learn how to shop for food, budget his gas and to deal with life's unexpected emergencies.
My son is now flying away to learn how to be a man...
I have a mix of emotions as I am writing this. I am happy for him. I wish for him to only need to focus his life on finding a job, continuing on with his college education-- and enjoying life drug-free. I miss him, knowing that he might not have a cellphone to call and check in with me as often as he did. He seems happy and has fallen in-love with life in the big city.
I really have to let go, now, and let my bird fly and soar. He knows where the home nest is. I'll be waiting, to cook him his favorite dinner and to savor his visits.
Thanks be to God for all the positive roads that lay ahead,
Debby
God's blessings continue to pour down on my son. He has been accepted into a Sober Living Environment (SLE) just a hop, skip and away from his treatment center. Until a week ago, I didn't even know what an SLE was (that goes to show you how uneducated I am about addiction). Now that I understand what they are, I feel a sense of comfort that B will be making a transition from being an in-patient, to an out-patient...and how he is going to learn how to make a gradual transition back into the world. Tomorrow (Friday) he will visit this home and make arrangements to physically move in. He will be able to attend ongoing meetings at his treatment center as an "alumni". These are evening meetings, that are at no cost.
It has been over thirty years, since I flew from my childhood nest. I can still remember how exciting it was for me to move into my cute little apartment that cost $150.00 a month to rent. It had a small kitchen, claw-foot tub with shower, tiny dining room and a small living area/sleeping area overlooking a beautiful view of the ocean. I shared that apartment with my brother and a girlfriend. Today, a place like that would cost at least $1000.00 a month. That's a lot of money-- far beyond what a young person could afford, even with today's wages. So, I am happy to hear that the SLE that B will be living at will cost $450.00 a month, plus a small fee for cable. This is affordable!
Last night, B excitedly said that he needed to buy new bedding and some things for cooking. I'm so conditioned to thinking that there are boxes of these things in my attic...things I've saved for the day that B would finally move into a place of his own. But, after sleeping on it, I realized that it would mean a lot to him if he could buy a few new things to make his room feel like it's "his".
This morning, I called B to tell him that he'll be given a budget to shop for things to decorate his place. He sounds excited, and I feel I've made the right decision. I reminded him that he needs to pay for this from his trust account, and he readily agrees. So, my BFF will receive the money and she will take him shopping. Yes, I still have to take measures to make sure that B doesn't get his hands on big sums of money. I wish I didn't have to think like that, but it's how things will need to be for a while.
I want to keep a positive and open mind that B is on the way to starting a new chapter in his life. He has lived the last two years in denial of his problem...unwilling to admit his addiction to me. He was a little more candid with his father, but he still didnt' tell all of the truth. He's admitted that he told his father just enough information so that he'd get sums of money to buy the drugs he needed. He admits that he has pawned things, manipulated and lied to get money to feed his drug addiction. I tried to be careful not to fall for his manipulation, but I did anyway. B has admitted to me the different ways he's deceived me into believing that he needed money to play golf-- his passion. At least, B did not resort to stealing things.
But, that is in the past, now.
I am excited that my son is moving into a place where he will be completely on his own-- away from the protective and watchful eyes of his parents. He will need to learn how to shop for food, budget his gas and to deal with life's unexpected emergencies.
My son is now flying away to learn how to be a man...
I have a mix of emotions as I am writing this. I am happy for him. I wish for him to only need to focus his life on finding a job, continuing on with his college education-- and enjoying life drug-free. I miss him, knowing that he might not have a cellphone to call and check in with me as often as he did. He seems happy and has fallen in-love with life in the big city.
I really have to let go, now, and let my bird fly and soar. He knows where the home nest is. I'll be waiting, to cook him his favorite dinner and to savor his visits.
Thanks be to God for all the positive roads that lay ahead,
Debby
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