Just for today, what a cliche'

In my last post, I had mentioned that my son had tested clean. Many thank you's to my newfound parents of addicts and friends, who are visiting my blog and posting comments. Thank you!

I've been reading new bloggers sites where they describe the emotional roller coaster on being the parent of a drug addict. Sometimes I feel as though their stories mirror mine.

For those of you parents who are in the first stages of being the parent of an addict (that is, your child is going through Round #1 of rehab), I can see how naive I was then. Just reading my earlier posts, I can see how I thought my son could get "better". I guess it is our naiveté that makes us think that our kid will detox, go to meetings and this whole thing will go away.

Little did I know, that relapse is part of the process...again, and again, and again.

So, while I'm elated that B tested clean I am also very, very cautious about his sobriety. In some ways, it's like trying to lose weight. You have every intention of dropping the points on the weight scale. You start off eating healthier and exercising (I am speaking from personal experience, here). You keep a food journal. You say "no" when someone brings in a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Little by little, that hunger in your brain craves sugar. Just a bite won't hurt. So, you start to nosh when nobody's looking. You skip a weight watcher's meeting.
Before you know it, you pull into Carl's Junior to get that bacon cheeseburger that you crave. In my case, I dont' eat fast food. It's dessert that is my caloric snare. It's like valium to me.

Bingo.

With my son, and opiates, he tells me that he has thoughts of using-- and he is in day #10 of not using opiates. He says that this is harder than I can imagine. I told him about my struggles to resist sweets (I have a strong sweet tooth). He paused, thoughtfully, and then nodded-- "yeah, mom, that's kinda how it is with me".

B and I have been doing a lot of talking. My car won't be repaired (mechanical problems) until Saturday. B has been getting up early to drive me to work. It's been a good chance for us to chat. Yesterday, for instance, he said he was feeling a lot of withdrawals. He curled up on his bed to sleep for a few hours, having tossed and turned all night long. His appetite is good, though. When B was using, his appetite was one of the first things I'd notice would wane.

Trust is something that is going to take a long time for B to rebuild in me, and his stepdad. I feel like a woman who has been cheated on by an unfaithful husband...over and over again. In October, I heard the whole script-- I screwed up. I'm sorry. I'll go into rehab. I'm clean.

I didn't read between the lines of his calls to me, from San Francisco, where he sounded so depressed. There's another clue that all is not well in B's world-- and that he's most likely using.

B was chipping in December, when we allowed him to come back home. That was an Oscar performance! He was good. He was going to meetings, but he was hanging out with his friends that he used with. All of them were fresh out of rehab.

Duh. I thought to myself, that didn't seem right. But, I believed "B" when he'd reassure me that his friends were all "clean". Ha!

So, here I am. Giving my unfaithful husband, aka "B" one more chance to stop deceiving me.

I have to be fair, though. I really don't think that my son plotted to DELIBERATELY deceive me. The addiction was too strong for him. He set himself up to fail-- hanging out with friends from his past. He was not ready to quit. He thought he could use a little, and though he had everything under control. These are his own admissions.

The addiction is bigger than us.

I live each day in the moment. Like so many parents of addicts, I long for a day when I don't have to think or worry about my son. I wish I could rewind back to my trip to Hawaii with my husband-- just last October. We were in paradise. Our cellphones were turned off. We were a couple, enjoying time together...holding hands, sleeping in, sightseeing... until the dream came to me at 3:00am. "My son is using".

Little did I know, until the day I returned home, that my dream was prophecy.

I try not to look back too much. What happened cannot be changed. I try to look back so see what signs I missed. What could I have done differently?

Wisdom is what I cling to. I need to learn all that I can about addiction. My husband doesn't want to spent anymore time on this topic. I understand. But, this is my son-- my one and only precious boy. I wanted to be a mother more than anything in the world.

I am here for him. It's what a loving mother does.

One day at a time... So, just for today, I am having a good day. I pray, each day, that B will be able to pass my random drug tests with flying colors. B is in good spirits today. He's busily trying to get add on codes from classes at our junior college.

One Gem of a Blog Post

I wanted to update that my son tested as clean last night. The three of us cheered, in joy. FYI-- we are aware that addicts are known to keep urine stashes and to switch them. We make him test in our bathroom and check him beforehand.

As B and I hugged each other, he was trembling. "Mom, I want this (sobriety) so bad!"

As the mantra goes-- one day at a time....relapse is part of the recovery...let go, Let God, "The Three C's-- I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I cannot cure it".

Got it.
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How I wish I had found this blog much sooner! The woman is a brilliant writer. LOVE her blog!
It appears that she's not going to blog for the month of February. I'm hooked.

I had to post one of her MANY insightful blogs on being the mother of a heroin addict. It spoke "VOLUMES" to me:

From: "Broken Hearted Mom"

My son has been a heroin addict for 8 years, give or take a year. Junkys have a hard time with chronological events. I know heroin. I know rehabs, paraphernalia, police cars in the drive, relapses, lies, dope sick, proper attire for inmate visits, counselors, social workers, and endless advice from people who don't know shit about heroin. I know that if your kid is addicted to prescription opiates or crack or alcohol, you are living a life similar to mine. Don't know much about meth, except that my son did it a few times when he couldn't get his drug of choice, heroin. He said he didn't care for it. How lucky am I!

If you came here by searching heroin, because you are in that frantic early stage where you think that by educating yourself, you can fix this, I give you the top ten ways you can tell your kid might be an opiate addict.

#10 You can't find at least one item of yours that had great sentimental value and cannot be replaced.

# 9. You sleep with your car keys under your pillow, and keep your purse under the bed.

# 8. You have received at least one inappropriate and shoplifted Mother's Day gift.

# 7. He doesn't have one of the Christmas or birthday gifts you've bought him.

# 6. All of your day is spent on his overwhelming problems.

#5. Everything has to be done RIGHT NOW

# 4. Your idea of rock bottom is his idea of another day in paradise.

# 3. You've had him jailed because you wanted him to be safe.

# 2. You sometimes believe that he can overcome this with your unconditional love.

# 1. Your head knows its not your fault, but your heart is broken.

Sleep interrupted

I'm so thankful that our beautiful weather continues, though we really do need rain. I live in an area that relies on agriculture to feed a lot of families. The sunshine is helping me to feel joy in appreciating where I live.

How is B today? AFAIK (as far as I know...and I will precede updates a lot with this acronym), he went to his first day at our junior college. He is late in signing up for classes, but we verified that he can still do this. Tomorrow, we (C and I) plan to pay for his classes-- with a LOT of caveats! First, he has to test clean. B says he's ready and willing, and confident that we will not be disappointed.

Let me digress, and I know I'm famous for doing this-- I am sleeping well in spurts. I dream a lot of my fellow parents of drug addicts. Reading their blogs takes a lot out of me, emotionally. I feel such compassion for their troubles. While B has never been arrested, nor stolen anything from us-- I know that, if his addiction goes full blown, that this could happen. I toss and turn, with fear that my son will test positive. I fear having to use Tough Love, Phase II. Truthfully, it scares me to death. I worry about my son being an insulin dependent diabetic and being out on the streets with needles. I have to stop thinking like that, I know.

C and I talked about supporting B's desire to go to college. B did not get his financial aid applications in on time. With the state budget crisis, we also know that it's going to be tough to get money. C and I decided that we will "lend" B the money to go to college as long as he tests clean and that we pay the money to the school. It should cost a few hundred dollars. That hurts us, a bit, but we are trying to help B to get an education. We've told him that he must complete the classes. If he's failing, he can't drop. For this semester, we just want to see him COMPLETE the classes. If he's struggling and needs to drop, then we have to know.

C feels that B should maintain a 2.8 GPA. Truthfully, I don't care about the GPA, as much as I care that he goes to school and does the work. B has dropped out of college three times. This is round four.

I want to say positive things about B.

I see an improvement in him, physically. When he's using, his clothes looks dirty and he doesn't shower for days. His skin looks really bad (I've got 15 years of experience as a licensed esthetician). His appearance looks good enough to apply for jobs. His skin is clear. His eyes look bright and alive again. He is not antsy.... pacing, and constantly wanting to go someplace. ("I'll be right back". How many of you parents of addicts are all too familiar with the nervousness of an addict who is using?) His profanity (which makes me wince) has gone from Rapper quality to PG-13.

B is home a lot. He is helping around the house. We don't have to ask for help, he just does it.
B is not argumentative. We can talk. There have been no confrontations. He is changing his cellphone number and he's deleted most of his phone numbers, including his dealers.

I've said this before, and I've been proven wrong. AFAIK, B is not using. I did not realize that I had used my last drug test, until this morning. I ordered more, today. I should have them in 2 days. That's a reprieve for my son.

My car broke down last night. Great. I've got over 200,000 miles on it, though it still looks good. C and I don't want to buy a new car (even used) because of the economy. We are being very careful. B is mechanically inclined, like his dad. So is my husband. Hopefully, they'll fix the alternator for a fraction of a commerical mechanic.

B drove me to work, this morning. He even got up at 6am and was out the door with me at 6:45am. I no longer feel edgy around him. I feel like we are connecting. He headed off to classes, AFAIK.

He got the insurance snafu fixed, so he's headed to the outpatient clinic. He needs to start a program, and that is another one of our conditions. He agrees and says he wants to do this.

B told me that he needs to know that I stop worrying about his not using. He says that he has to prove it to me and to give it a chance.

I will try. Still, I struggle with worry. I miss having a solid night's sleep.

Still, I will test him...often.

Praying for many families of addicts.

That feeling in the pit of your stomach

While my friends, in the East Coast, are shivering from cold-- here I sit, in a library during my lunch break...just a few miles to the ocean. It's a gorgeous day, outside, but I need to journal and share my feelings and updates on how my son is doing.

I have a few new blogs that I've subscribed to, via RSS feed to my google reader (I just love that feature). The postings are just so sad and they are heart-breaking. While I feel a sense of companionship with other parents of addicts, I couldn't sleep soundly last night. I have posted links to a few of these blogs and I hope that other bloggers will post my link to their blogs. We need each other.

I am feeling on edge... with that feeling of "doom". I am struggling against that gut feeling that my son is not being completely honest with me, let alone himself.

Let me backtrack to Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a football fan-- not in the least. My son is a HUGE fan of football and my husband enjoys it. It's my tradition to make my special recipe for Chili and a few new dishes. I love cooking-- it's my therapy, passion and hobby. I decided to prepare Super bowl food so that my men could enjoy the game and feel pampered.

As I shared, yesterday, B joined us at church. Actually, it was B who led us to this church about three years ago. I had belonged to another one, but he promised me that this was THE church. Ironically, he has barely attended since we started going, but my husband and I attend every Sunday...pretty much.

While C was outside, working in the yard (on a gorgeous sunny day) I was inside doing my typical routine-- tidying, cooking and spending time on my laptop in spurts (I time myself so that I don't spend too much time online. If I'm not careful, I can waste too much time surfing the net.)

B felt chatty, and the next thing I knew, he was sitting across from me and we started talking... REALLY talking and LISTENING. I was telling B how I had discovered a family of bloggers and I shared some of their stories to them. He looked really sad and then his face changed to being very pensive. Our conversation led to me telling my son that I plan to share my blog with him, someday. I also encouraged him to journal his own thoughts. Maybe, I said, we can exchange journals one day. Maybe our journals can help us better understand the affect that his drug addiction has brought into our home and our lives.

Those of you who have a good relationship with your child can understand when I say that I felt a connection-- a moment where I felt that B was seeing me as a mom... a person who has wisdom and who genuinely loves him. He shared some very personal issues with me.

B told me all the wonderful hopes and dreams that he has. He said that he can hardly wait to start college (today). He said that he accepts that he won't be able to drive his car in a couple of weeks-- when his insurance lapses. He said that he plans to disconnect himself from any friends that he used drugs with (praise God). He said a lot of things, and they all sounded good.

But, that feeling in the pit of my stomach cannot help but wonder-- is he trying to talk himself into believing these things? Is he really going to do them?

I think that B really got the message-- that I had put myself out for my son...that my husband is willing for me to give B one very last and final chance. I think that B understands that I am not kidding. At that moment, I finally felt the tears come and my throat felt as thought it had completely closed.

"It's okay to cry, mom" he said.

I can't weep in front of anyone. I used to, a long time ago. At that time, I used weeping to impose guilt on someone. It was my way of saying "I'm hurt". I learned that from my mother, who was quite the Drama Queen.

But now, I cannot cry that easily. I seem to have gained supernatural strength to find composure when I feel sorrow and then the sense that I'm about to start wailing. I hear that it's highly therapeutic to have a good cry. Sometimes I wish that I could find a place to cry until I think there's no more air in my lungs. The last time I felt that way, was the day that I held my mother's hand and it was limp-- she was dying. She was taking her last breaths. That was in 2003. Sure, I've cried. But it lasts a nano-second and I prefer to do it in private. It embarrasses me-- and I wish it didn't.

That is not to say that I don't show my feelings. I don't think I'm a cold person. My eyes do water and the pain shows. I know that. But, I can't have a good cry-- yet.

Sorry. I got side-tracked again--

Before I went to to bed, B wanted to write three things that I reminded him needed to be done-- three things that are vitally important for him to take care of today.

Why do I have a feeling he isn't doing them? Here I am, working at a high school and loving my job. It's a gorgeous day. I have the most wonderful and loving husband. I have wonderful friends. I feel blessed. Instead, I feel worry creeping into me and my shoulders are turning into tight knots.

To you parents of addicts-- you know what I'm talking about, don't you? It's like we're waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I am going to test B very soon. Very, very soon. He says he's ready.

I'm scared to death that he will test positive.

That's when I have to do that hardest thing that any parent should NOT have to do-- second only to burying your own child.

I believe that these kinds of negative thoughts come from a Darkness. I need to cling to the hope that God loves us all-- and that he is the God of Hope.

Lunch is over. Time for me to get back to work.

I've tapped in!

Tonight's posting is very brief, for a change

B joined us at church, today. He seemed very happy to be back. Our church is a contemporary service, and it's a wonderful church. The message was on "Why Good People Do Bad Things". Our pastor (who is funny and wears Hawaiian shirts) talked about our mouths, and the mean things we say to others. I took a lot of notes, and was reminded of my own shortcomings.

I spent the rest of the day cooking for Super Bowl. B and I had some one-on-one talks about drugs. I'm still learning a lot of sordid details about his life, why he used, and I tried to relate to what it was like. Likewise, I told my son that there will come a time that I want him to read my blog.

I felt as though we were connecting. Still, he knows that another random drug test is coming. Soon. Very soon. He also knows it better test "clean". 'Nuff said.

I finally tapped into a family of bloggers who share having a child who is an addict! Last night, I immersed myself into reading as many as I could. One, in particular, grabbed my attention.

I will post links to the blogs I've found. Likewise, I pray that others will link my blog to theirs.

Thank you, God! I don't feel so alone, anymore.

It's bedtime and work begins at the crack of dawn.

For today, I enjoyed my time with B. Still, like so many parents, I remain guarded. My deepest fear is that my son is lying and he is using...and that I will have to banish him from my house.

B knows that I'm serious. He says that he's ready to stay clean.

I pray he's finally being honest with himself.

Good night