Too many random thoughts, along the bumpy road. How is my son?

It has taken me a few weeks to sit down, log in to this blog and write. That's unusual for me, because writing is my comfort.  I do a lot of self-reflection and praying, every day.  I listen to inspirational podcasts, like Pastor Greg Laurie.  I go to a weekly women's Bible Study, to study God's Word, and for fellowship. I go to church, every Sunday, to hear the Word of God being taught in such a way that I walk away feeling inspired and re-energized.  I willingly give my tithes and offerings to help organizations, and my church, to help others. 

This blog has helped me to journal, from the very beginning, about how I had to cope with my son's addiction to opiates.  For a long while, so many fellow bloggers left a lot of comments to support me... to help me wipe my tears...to offer cyber hugs and to offer their advice and support.

It helped me a lot. Many of them have gone away, or stopped reading my blog.

I keep writing.  (Not as often as I used to, but I won't go away.)

I have also read my fair share of anonymous comments who had no problem condemning me, or attacking my faith in God. I've read comments that, pretty much, labeled me an enabler-- or who offered harsh criticism about what I wrote about.

It made me stronger.

In the last few weeks, I've received comments and emails that have made my heart grieve.  I receive emails, on a weekly basis, sharing a parent's grief over their arduous journey as they watch their loved one go through drug addiction and/or withdrawals.

They paralyze me.

For the last few weeks, I have flagged those comments and emails-- and I haven't approved them, so that they'd publish on my blog.  Yes, I do have blog moderation turned on-- because I got tired of the SPAM comments from gambling sites and drug treatment centers.  Sometimes, the words that I read makes me feel so sad. It brings e back to a painful time in my life, when my son was so sick.

This morning, I need to write. The urgency is strong.  I've just published those comments.  I'm back. For today.

Where do I start? What do I address first?

Please know, that I read every single comment.  Thank you, to those of you, who pour out your hearts to me.  I really and truly do care. I pray for you. Believe me, I do.

I just received an anonymous comment from someone who said this, "Your son is not clean, he is still using suboxone (optiates) every single day. It is not a miracle, its switching one addicting drug for another...Try stopping suboxone and you will see this 'miracle' unveil its true self. Your son is still a drug addict, just a more manageable one. praise jesus right?"

Sigh.

I guess I'll start here--

Dear Anonymous person--

My son is technically not "clean".  That is, if your definition of "clean" means that he doesn't use any kind of drugs-- this includes opiates, weed or speed.  So, you win on that count.
But, you see, you don't know my son's story. It's a very long road that he has been on.  It started 11 years ago, with smoking weed.  It progressed to pills, then oxycontin, then heroin.  It progressed to my son being so strung-out, that he came close to death.

My son's addiction became a cancer in our home.  His addiction caused so much drama in our lives. It opened up a very Dark World that I was totally unfamiliar with-- the lies, his constant scamming for money for his next fix. It began to erode on my very happy marriage.  It began to cost me money that I could ill afford.

I helplessly watched my son try to kick his habit.   I watched my son try everything he could think of to break his addiction.    I was judged, criticized and attacked, by people who either thought they were experts and knew it all--or by people who didn't understand one thing about addiction -- and I began to second-guess my abilities as a mother.   

I was forced to do the unthinkable-- to learn how to detach from my son's addiction. I had to throw my son out of my home. I had to learn how to say "no" to helping him with money, and I had to watch my son suffer from withdrawals. I watched his body waste away, and worry that a call would come-- in the middle of the night-- with bad news...that my son was either in jail or at the coroner's office.

So, when my son finally got off the methadone (and I think that stuff is poison, and have nothing good to say about the clinic)-- and went on suboxone, I had to do what works for me. I sat back, and let my son deal with his own addiction.

My son is being seen by a physician who has very strict rules about being on suboxone.  B has been tapered down, to where he is on a very, very low dose.  He is nearing the end of using suboxone, and he feel confident that he'll be okay with that. He says he has no desire to use, any longer. Before you judge about suboxone, I suggest that you do research.  Dr. Junig (http://suboxonetalkzone.com/) is a medical doctor, and former drug addict.  He offers some interesting perspectives on this.  

So, is it a miracle that my son is on suboxone?

Yes. I have written, multiple times, that I pray for my son to be completely drug-free.  I wish that the only pills my son has to take would be an aspirin, on occasion, vitamins and an antibiotic (if he has some kind of infection).  Yes, my son is a drug addict. He always will be-- whether he is 100% free of suboxone-- or any kind of opiate blocker.   The suboxone treatment seems to have done the trick for my son.  He says that all cravings are gone.   He has money, at all times. He willingly pays us rent, and he pays his own car insurance, gas and all living expenses. He hasn't asked me for a dime, for six months.  Can a drug addict, who is using, do that?

What I do see is that my son lives a much more normal life than he's had in many years. 

My son said something, last week, that made me smile.  He was getting ready for his job (that he has held for two years), and said to me:

"Mom, you know what's great about being normal?"  "I earned $130.00 in tips the other night, and I still have it!  I'm going to put this in the bank.  When I was using, this would already be gone."

So, yes, Praise Jesus.

Oooops, you were using sarcasm when you wrote, "Praise Jesus, right?"

In this blog, I often talk about my faith in Christ.  I don't have the gift of evangelism (which Pastor Greg Laurie does.... and he's worth having a listen to).  I started to share my own personal testimony, on this blog-- months ago...but I never finished it.  That's because someone who knows us, personally, found my blog and was using it to hurt my son.  I stopped, because I don't want my personal story to be used against me, where I live.   If I ever do finish my personal testimony, you would better understand how God saved me from my sinful nature.

My point about Jesus Christ is this-- I don't blame God or Jesus Christ for the sorrows in my life. The sorrows in our lives are brought upon us, because there is evil and sin in this world.  Those of us who believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, believe that he died for us-- on the cross-- for our own personal redemption.  Because he loved us first.  Those of us who have accepted the gift of redemption are now adopted into the family of Christ, and we know that we will be in heaven.  In the meantime, we are here, on earth-- to learn, to share the love and to "believe" with all of our hearts.  

A world that is free of suffering is not guaranteed.  It is my faith in Christ that gives me the strength and courage that I desperately need-- because I am sinful, by nature.   I have become a much better person, since I became a believer.  I'm a work in progress.

So, did I feel offended by your anonymous comment?

Yes, for about five seconds.  

Guess what? I prayed for you.  I prayed that you would understand who the real Christ is.

I do not condemn you, either. Because God loved you first.

What do you know? My writer's block just went away.  Praising God does that to me.  When I'm feeling down, or under attack, I look up-- and I feel joy.

I'll try to write more often.  

Thank you, to all of you who write to me.  That this humble little blog has touched so many of you-- it makes me thankful.

I give all the Glory to God, for He has been good to me.  My son is alive. He is happy. The dark grip of illegal drugs has lost it's strength on my son.

I live each day in faith and gratitude.
 

Evil people doing evil things-- like stealing my blog

The horrific event in Aurora Colorado is a very painful reminder that there is so much evil in this world.  Now, my own birthday will be linked to our first landing on the Moon (July 20, 1969) and the massacre at a premiere showing of "Batman, the Dark Knight Rises". Who knows why a 24 year old boy/man snapped?  Why people had to die so tragically-- so young.  A community is shaken to it's core, and parents, siblings and friends are left to grieve the loss of their loved ones.

While the news is filled with the horror of this tragic day, it is my birthday.  I wake up feeling grateful to find birthday cards from my husband, my son, and my Facebook is filled with dozens of birthday wishes. I take a drive, on a beautiful sunny morning, to meet friends for brunch.  I spend the rest of the day buying a few things for me-- things that I find "pretty".  I can pay for them.

Later, that afternoon, my husband comes home from work and greets with me warm hugs and kisses-- tells me how lucky he is that I was born, so that I would come into his life. I tell him the same.  He takes me to dinner for a prime rib dinner.  He looks at me so lovingly, and I know that I am blessed.

Before we leave for dinner, my son comes out of his room, handsome and dressed in his freshly pressed white shirt, tie and black slacks. He's carefully polished his work shoes.  He says "love you, mom" and grabs his car keys. He's headed to his job, that he really likes.

Life, in my corner of the world, goes on as normal. I forget about the tragedy in Aurora, because my own little world is filled with much happiness.  I say a quiet prayer to God, thanking Him for all my blessings.

This morning, I receive an email from Ron, telling me that my blog was hijacked. What?  Sure enough, my blog was redirected to some evil people. I won't even share their link, but it's a drug rehab site.  Ah, but they don't know that I have a very smart husband.  He's in the computer security field.  I'm flapping around, with the veins in my neck bulging-- feeling completely violated.

We google and find out that other people are experiencing this. It's a "widget" that was installed long ago.  But evil hackers know how to get into the widgets that are stored somewhere on a computer cloud. Behind the scenes, they sneakily add a redirect code-- and just like that, your blog is gone.

One by one, we look at the HTML code to each of my widgets. There it is.  The evil culprit's code, that steals my blog address as soon as anyone lands on it.  We delete the entire widget.

Well, I'm back.  I received a few private emails telling me that they still read my blog, and I have helped to encourage them.

Thank you.  Thank you for allowing me to bless your lives.  I'm back. I'm not going anywhere.

Life throws us hurdles, and I am thankful to have the love of Jesus to help me dust myself off and go on.  I pray for the people of Aurora, Colorado.  I pray for the young man who did this evil stuff.  I pray for the man's own parents, who must be devastated to know that their son turned people's lives apart with his unspeakable act.

This was not God's plan.  There is so much evil in this world.  People forget that this is where the Dark One dwells. His plan is to devour and destroy people.  This is where those who are true believers in Christ knows, that there is a better place for us.  I will get there when I leave this life.  Until then, I'm a prayer warrior.

May God bring healing to those who need it most. Today. Now.
 

Hanging on to this blog-- for you

 ****THANK YOU RON, FROM "AN ADDICT IN MY BEDROOM" FOR ADVISING ME THAT MY BLOG GOT HIJACKED.  These people are evil. It turns out that a widget got modified from some mystery planet. I am back!***


I have such a hard time to find the will to log on to this blog to write.  It's like I'm paralyzed, and unable think of what I want to write about.  Have I run out of things to say?  Am I helping anyone?

My son's addiction is in "limbo".  It's like, I'm holding my breath.  It's been five months, now, that B isn't using.  To say that I'm relieved, is an understatement.

I try to remain optimistic, and my son is a completely different person.  I try not to "what if" my thoughts.  I am living in the moment.  My son is "normal".  The friends he once used with are out of his life.  When he isn't working, he's on his X-Box with his online gaming.   He is on a very low dose of suboxone, and seeing his doctor on a regular basis.  He says he has absolutely no thoughts or desire to use.

Exhale.

What prompted me to write is a comment that I received today:

I found your blog today. I'm 22 my story is very similar to your sons. Your blog is probably my moms thoughts. My mother and stepfather recently discovered my use. I've been addicted to opiates for 7 years, and I've hid it from most of my friends and family when they found out I said I was commited to quiting, but I wasnt. I quit for a couple days and relapsed. I relate to your sons lies and escapades. I just am having trouble seeing a life after this monster. I feel so empty and broken. I feel so bad for my mother and everything she goes through because of me. I dont know where to start but thanks to your blog I know I definetely want to start. I know I am not the daughter my parents dreamed of but maybe one day I can be

This knocked the emotional wind right out of me.  How I wish I could give this young woman a warm and loving hug.  How I wish my son could sit down, with her, and tell her what did and did not work for him.

I still receive private emails from parents whose hearts are breaking.  It brings up feelings of sadness that I thought I had healed from.

I feel so helpless.  I wish I had the gift of writing in such a way that I could give someone solid advice, or answers.

I'm just the mother of a drug addict.  I'm a woman who leans on my faith in God, to give me the strength I need, when times are tough.

I used to blog here, several times a week.  I had blogs I'd visit, and bloggers who would visit me to encourage me.  Many of those bloggers are gone. I often wonder what happened.

Once in a while, I wonder-- is anyone reading this?

Then, I get a reader who leaves a comment about how I've touched them.

I'm here.  I won't abandon my blog.  I just don't have a whole lot to write about, because our life is "normal" and peaceful. Amen.  I pray that I will never have to come here because I am afraid for my son-- because he has returned to his former life.

I think the reason that I avoid coming here, is fear of dredging up painful memories.    I have forgiven my son, and I rejoice in where he is today.  But the pain is there-- enough for me to continue to have compassion for those of you who are addicts-- and those of you who are the loved ones of addicts.

Hang on to hope.  My son beat the odds, and we are closer than ever.  I give the Glory to God, and His Mercy.

Summer Time Thoughts

 It's not officially summer, but I'm ready.  The school year has ended, and in one week I will be on my four week summer break. Amen.

Every day I pray with thanks that my son is doing so well.  His life is "steady".  He still has the same job (two years), and really likes it.  He has entirely new friends.  B keeps things really simple. He sleeps in, plays his X-Box online, gets ready for work right as I'm headed home from work.  He comes home, repeats cycle.

B is no trouble at all.  He pretty much lives in his room, with the big Plasma TV that he saved his money to buy.  He's respectful and I believe he's not using. #1 Sign - he has money. All the time. He doesn't ask me, or his father, for a penny.  He pays the rent on time, and never complains.  His car always has gas.

I'm not bragging at all. I'm rejoicing.  Sometimes, I allow myself to go back in time-- as little as six months ago.  B was always broke.  I try not to do this, very often, but if I really go back in time-- like five years ago-- I don't think I've ever felt so afraid of anything in my life.

These were dark times.

For anyone who is reading my blog... those of you who have emailed me... I hope that I never, EVER forget those times.  I hope that my son never does.

There is hope.

Though those Dark Times, my faith grew even stronger. I learned to cry out to God, and to learn what it means to talk to God.  I learned how to draw closer to Him.  I learned how to really pray.  I mean, get down on my knees and pray.  I learned how to close my eyes and tell God how afraid I was.  I learned how to trust Him.

Every so often, I get anonymous comments telling me what a fool I am to believe in Jesus/God.  It doesn't offend me at all.  If anything, I pray for that person.

A while back ago, I started to share my very personal past, that would lead up to my own testimony as to why I believe in a God that I cannot see. I believe in a God, whose audible voice I've never heard. I have discovered the treasures in God's Word, and yes-- I believe in all those "Fairy Tales" in the bible.

I was once an Agnostic.  I once thought that God was all a hoax.  I had resigned my life to be one where I would do what I want, when I want. I convinced myself that when I die, I die. End of the line.

But God had plans. I've been through a lot of personal pain and betrayal in my life.  It prepared me for the day I found out that my son was addicted to drugs.

My son's addiction gave me deep roots in my faith.   My son has been spared from a certain death or incarceration, and I give all the glory to God.

So, if you're an Atheist, and you want to attack my faith-- go ahead!  Hit me with your best punch.  It won't change who I am.   I take that back...

God has changed who I was.

I pray that those of you who are feeling so afraid...so lost... who feel that there is no hope-- that you would know that I was once there.

God is my rock, my fortress, my hope.

I pray that for each of you.  Every day.

I'm sorry I haven't been blogging much. I'm still here.

Hopefully, this summer break, I will have more time to write.

To All Mother's of Drug Addicts...

To all you Mothers of Addicts,

I sincerely hope that you family is honoring Mother's Day by  giving you praises, tokens of appreciation-- flowers, brunch or a bauble or two.  No matter what our addict children are going through, we still love them. Unconditionally.

At church, today, the message was focused on being a mom. Of course, it would be! It's Mother's Day.

Matthew 15: 21-28

The Faith of a Canaanite Woman

²¹ Leaving that place, Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon. ²² A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, “Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is demon-possessed and suffering terribly.”
²³ Jesus did not answer a word. So his disciples came to him and urged him, “Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.”
²⁴ He answered, “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel.”
²⁵ The woman came and knelt before him. “Lord, help me!” she said.
²⁶ He replied, “It is not right to take the children’s bread and toss it to the dogs.”
²⁷ “Yes it is, Lord,” she said. “Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master’s table.”
²⁸ Then Jesus said to her, “Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.” And her daughter was healed at that moment.

If you don't read the bible-- or don't believe in it-- the Reader's Digest Condensed version of what this scripture means is that the "dogs" is referring to the "Gentiles".  This scripture really touched my heart and soul.  What I got from this, is that I do believe that my faith (and I am a Jesus Loving, Bible Believing Christian) and my persistent prayers for my son have been answered.  More importantly, this scripture reminds me that even just a crumb of faith-- and you don't necessarily have to be a devout church-going Christian-- but to just believe and trust and pray-- prayers can be answered.  All we need to do is "ask".  We cannot receive what we don't ask for.

As Pastor reminded us-- being a young person, today, is more difficult than ever.  My son has so many bad influences all around him. Come to think of it, so do I!  Today's generation is so desensitized by profanity, sex and drug use on television, in movies, books and magazines.  As Christians, we are under attack.   Without my faith, I would be weak against all the temptations that surround me, every day.

As I bowed my head, in prayer, I gave a heartfelt thank you to God for all that He has done for my son.  Sometimes, when I reflect back on the last few years, I know that I could not have endured the heartache and fear without my faith in Jesus Christ.

My blog has been such a comfort to me-- it became a place where I could vent, cry, complain and share my deepest and most personal feelings.  I met some wonderful people, who supported me through all of this.

Today, my son is clean and he is employed.  I received a beautiful bouquet of roses and my favorite chocolates from B.  That means more to me than I had imagine.

It means that my son is alive.
It means that my son has money to buy things--and it's not drugs-- and that he earned that money with hard work, and honesty.
It means that my son took the time to buy something for his mom.

Today-- this Mother's Day-- I feel an emptiness and sorrow that my mother has been gone for ten years.  I no longer have a mother to call, and invite to brunch.  Now, I am a mom, and it's my turn.  I have to take all that my mother taught me, pick what's best and let go of what isn't-- and try to be a positive influence on my son.

I will continue to be a praying mom.  I'm so thankful that I never gave up on my son.  He's made mistakes, and he will always fight that demon of drug addiction.  I do believe that he has found happiness and has surrounded himself with new friends, who aren't addicts. Amen.

Today, I lift up in prayer, those of you moms whose children can't call you-- be it from jail, or that they are no longer with us.  I pray for you moms, whose kids are somewhere, and you cannot call them.  I pray for you moms, who are just beginning my journey-- for your fears, pain and anguish.  I know it well.

May God give each of you the strength, courage and wisdom that you need to find serenity in acceptance.  May your addict come home to you-- and be free of those demons that destroy our joy.

Never give up. Pray. Believe. Hope.

God does answer prayers.  I know this. I am living it.

Happy Mother's Day