Another Year, as the Mother of a Drug Addict...Out with Old, In with the New

Today, is the last day of 2012.  It's a quiet morning and I finally have some "me" time to sit, reflect, pray and just "be".  

Gosh, it's been a very long time since I've written a blog post. I must appear to have abandoned my blog. That hasn't been my intention. After all, I've invested a lot of time, and money (having it professionally designed.) I have poured out my heart and soul, and have documented my experience as the mother of a drug addict. So, why am I not blogging much? I have been blessed to receive emails, or posts, from people whose lives are being ripped apart by the scourge of drug addiction. When I read those emails, I feel so bad for them. I want, so much, to have just the right words to say-- to give them comfort and hope. I'm embarrassed to say, that I've gone silent. Again.


I think it's because I have come to peace about my son's situation. It wasn't easy, I can promise you. I try not to do this, very often-- but, if I do allow myself to go back to 2008,  I can almost recreate that feeling of helplessness. I can remember the shock and horror of it all.

My son's drug addiction put a lot of stress in my marriage. I learned things about myself, I didn't realize. My relationship with my son was so fragile, and we were not getting along at all. I felt like I was such a total failure.

For you-- if you have stumbled across  this blog post-- and you are in the throes of addiction...be it you, or someone you love-- my message to you is that there is hope.  The best advice I can give, to a person who is watching someone's life being destroyed by addiction is this-- take care of you.

When addiction comes into your life,  it can bring out the worst in everyone.  I might upset a few people who read this, but I'm going to make this raw and honest.  I was guilty of this, and it shows in my earliest posts. Ready?

I got caught up in the drama. I became a whiner and complainer. I wanted people to come to my aid, to rescue me, to coddle me, to feel sorry for me. Oh, woe is me!   I finally saw where I was going, and I decided that I needed to find a different way to learn to cope with watching my son's life unravel.

What did I do? I came to understand what codependence is. I began to dig deeper in my relationship with God. My spirituality began to grow stronger and stronger, and I began to find those quiet times of prayer and meditation.

I also began to learn more about addiction, and I learned a lot of addicts, themselves.

I began to admit that I was enabling my son's drug addiction and I began to gather enough courage to understand that saying "no" was helping my son to see where his life was going.

So, how is my son doing?

B is 10 months free and clear from using any kind of street drug-- be it heroin, oxy or smoking weed.  Please note that I didn't say he's 10 months clean and sober.  From an NA point of view, he's not considered clean, since he is on a very low dose of suboxone. He is under the monthly care of a good addiction doctor. (Thank you, President Obama--and my husband's job-- for making my son's health coverage good for two more years. Amen.)

From my point of view, my son is clean. I'll tell you why--
He's held his job for over two years, and still loves it and is well-liked by his co-workers.
B pays $600.00 a month in rent, to us, never once complaining-- and it's always on time.
B has cash on him, all the time. This Christmas, he saved $200.00 to buy gifts. He looked so proud and pleased with himself, as he gave generously to us and to his uncles and cousin.
B has a new set of friends. He calls them "geeks", because they're all online "gamers". 
B has matured into a respectful, and interesting young man. He is no problem  as a roommate. When he isn't working, he's in his room, gaming on his BIG TV that he bought with his own money.

As a mom, I'd love to see him spending far less time with video games. I wish he'd go back to playing golf (that he's so good at), finding a career that will pay him benefits. I wish he didn't smoke. I wish he'd save more of his income, for his future.  He's talking about moving into his own place, this Spring, with a new friend that he works with. I'll miss him, but it's time for him to be completely on his own.

But, that's what moms do. We worry about our kids, because we're nurturers.. and dangerously wired to be enablers and coddlers. 

What's most important, is that I have learned to "let go" of my son's life.  By that, I don't open his mail. I don't snoop in his room. I don't question where he goes and I don't give him advice. I rest, assured, that he's not using drugs.  I know, I know, so many of us "thought" our kids weren't using drugs-- and they were.

The reason I know my son isn't using is simple. Drug addicts (unless they deal drugs) don't have money on them. They struggle with keeping a job. They look gaunt and unhealthy. They're secretive. Things go missing-- money, valuables. 

B looks healthy, and our relationship has been restored. Sometimes, when he gets home from work, I'm still in the living room. He sits and just chats with me. I love those precious moments. We chat about life, work, movies. 

My marriage is intact, and my husband treats my son as an adult. The two of them get along great, which makes my very happy.  It's interesting how our finances are much better, now. I didn't fully realize how my my son's drug addiction cost us.  B never asks us for money, now. Halleluia.

I'm not trying to brag, here. I'm rejoicing. If you're still reading this, I hope that I have shown you that a drug addict can get their life back. It isn't easy, and I'm not fooling myself. I do know that this could all change.

There are "trolls" out there who have written rude comments and emails, telling me that my son's use of suboxone is just temporary. They have told me that he'll go back to using, as soon as he quits using it.  I say to them, you don't know my son. Every person's story is different.

Bottom line, I have come to realize that only the addict can make the choice to get clean and sober. There is nothing in the world that I could do to make my son realize that he didn't want the life of constantly looking for his next fix.   The only help I gave my son, that worked, was to not help him-- and love him.

I'll repeat that. The only help I gave my son, that worked, was to not help him-- and love him..

I am a follower and believer in Jesus Christ. I believe there is a God. I don't worship the Universe, but I worship the creator of the Universe. I study his Word (the Bible) without shame.  Without my spiritual faith in God, I would not have had the strength to get through the five years of hell that B's drug addiction put all of us through.

2012 was a good year.  It wasn't perfect, but nothing and none of us are.

I look forward to seeing what 2013 has in store for us.

May the love and Grace of God, pour upon you.  Whether you know Him or not, he knows you. Be blessed, be loved, love others-- and be filled with peace and hope in your lives.

Long Time Gone

 

 I love you guys! I know that sounds superficial, but how else do I say that I am grateful for the emails and comments that you've left for me to read.  

It has been two-and-a-half months since I've logged on to this blog. Whoa! I had some comments to approve and post.

Where have I been?

Home. Surfing the next. Cooking. Baking. Resting.  Really, I've become such a homebody and rarely venture out.  My job drains me of my energy, plus I get up before dawn.

My son is okay.  Truly, he is.  Oh, I've received "hate mail" that my son isn't sober, because he's using suboxone.  Who wants to split hairs about this?

The way I see it-- my son isn't buying heroin.  He is thinking clearly, now.  He is still working at the same place-- almost three years, now.  He is paying rent. He has a small savings. He hasn't sold his big Plasma TV (that he bought himself), nor his video games.

I'll take my son, on suboxone, thank you very much.  He says he has no desire to use.

I have my son back.

I have been procrastinating writing to all of you who still read my blog.  I have so much to say! I've received emails and comments from parents of addicts and from addicts.

I think I find it hard to log on to this blog, because it sometimes feels as though I'm ripping off a scab, from a wound that has taken a very long time to heal.

Last weekend, I took my son with me for a weekend in San Francisco.  We stayed at a nice hotel.  He said it was weird to be so close to the Tenderloin District, where he used to score drugs. For a quick moment, he said, he had thoughts of using-- and just as quickly, he said it was gone.

He made me very happy, dressed nicely, as my guest at a very swanky dinner.  The women loved him! He was polite, well-spoken and absolutely nobody would ever guess that he was once addicted to oxy-contin and heroin.  They don't need to know, either.

I wish I could write more, and I so hope to write again-- very soon.  I received a comment from a drug addict who had an ax to grind about his lot in life.  He didn't sugar-coat words with me.

I'll share it next time.

You know, when people attack my faith in God...or attack how I handled my son's addiction-- I try to let it roll off my back.  I cannot allow them to steal my joy.

You see, I realized something really important, today.

The key to my joy-- despite all that I've been through-- is that I maintain an attitude of gratitude. I have stopped being a victim.  I complain, still-- but I catch myself doing it.

I remind myself of the things that are so important to me.  While my son will always be a drug addict-- he alive, and living at home with us. He is polite and respectful.  We have healed our rifts and I have forgiven him.

I am married to a wonderful man, who is kind and loving.  We are thankful for our house, jobs, finances, family and friends.

I no longer worry about what people think of me being the parent of a drug addict.  I will take what's happened as life experience-- and if I can encourage anyone, then none of this was in vain.

I will never apologize, nor feel intimidated that I love the Lord with all my heart, mind and strength. I do not want to be judgmental of others (though, I battle with that often).   I wish I had the gift of ministry, but I have so much to learn.

My stomach is rumbling, and that means I need to cook dinner.

I'll try not to stay away so long.  I pray for so many of you.

If I have not responded to your email or comments-- please forgive me.  I mean to, but time seems to have kept me from doing so.   Time flies too fast for me!

Pain in her eyes...

For those of you who are new to my blog, I work at a public high school. No, I'm not a teacher.  I work with parents and students, in the business/counseling office--and I love my job.

I once shared a story, about a student who opened up to me. (You can read it here.)  Sadly, a couple years later, that student died in a car crash. He had been drinking and was high on drugs. I was deeply saddened to hear of his death, and yet I wasn't completely surprised.

This week, a mother came into the office.  I asked her how her daughter was doing-- "A" had graduated in 2008.   "Mom" shook her head and my heart sank.

I clearly remember "A", because she was a beautiful girl... a cheerleader and a great student. She was one of our TA's (teacher's aides) and so I got to know her.  Something happened, towards the end of her senior year. I could see it.  It was the same time that my son was going through his rehab.  In fact, I was very open to "A" about my son's addiction to oxy and heroin.  I remember "A" listening to me, and sense she was reaaaaaaally listening to what I had to say. 

Fast forward.  "A" is now living in another state.  I had seen her a couple of years ago, and she looked completely different.  Really different.  She had lots of tattoos, and she remarked to me that her "mother was going to kill her" when she saw it. Yep, I thought-- this won't go over well with her mom.  Her mom, in fact, is a beautiful woman-- classy. Dresses very nicely.  I knew her since she, herself, was a little girl.  I don't know her well, now, but she's always been friendly towards me.

When "J" shook her head, I could see the pain in her eyes.  It made me so very, very sad. I wanted to hug her, but I didn't.  I didn't want to draw attention to her. She knew.... she understood that I understood.

I remember that same bravado I had to keep... when my throat would constrict, and the tears felt like they were going to explode.   I'd shake my head, and compose myself.

I can't cry. No, I cannot break down.

It's bad.  "A" is in jail, as is her boyfriend.  It doesn't look good. Dealing drugs and fire arms. Ouch.

It's so hard to believe that this gorgeous young woman, in the cheerleader's uniform is facing felonies.

Her mom said she's had to let go.  But, I could see the pain...

"Let go".  Can we really do this?  How can a mother, who gave birth to this baby, let go?

I gave "J" my blog address.  I hope she comes here to read.  She's a smart woman, and in talking with her I can tell that she's pretty much up-to-date on what's involved in being the parent of a drug addict.

If you are reading this, "J", I want you to know that I have been praying for you and "A".   As I was praying for you, I got to thinking that addiction has long tentacles.  When a loved one is an addict, it affects everyone in it's path.  It's like finding out that someone you love has an incurable disease.   It's like a cancer-- you can only hope and pray that the treatment will stop it, and it will save their life.

Yet, we must prepare ourselves that we could lose our loved one.  Oh, how I remember that pain and terror myself.  There was a point, where I feared for my son's life.  He was hanging out with some pretty shady people, and I was so afraid he'd end up being shot and left for dead.

I could not fathom the possibility that my son would end up in jail.  That never happened-- and, believe me, I thank God for that more than you could ever know.  According to my son, he had many very close calls, but he got lucky... they didn't find the "stuff".

The most painful thing that any mother can be asked to do, is to "let go".  To be told that we must hang up the phone, when they call for money... or refuse to bail them from jail... or to not allow them to stay with us-- as long as they are strung out and using-- well, I remember that it felt as thought I had to watch my son drowning in a stormy sea, and I could only watch from the bow of the ship-- and I was not allowed to send him a life raft.

Today, my son is not using drugs. The storm has subsided, and I can exhale and move forward with my life. My marriage has never been better. My son and I have restored our relationship.  Amen.

I would be lying if I said that I believe "it's over".  I'm terrified, sometimes, at the possibility that my son could relapse.  It's a possibility, but I choose to live each day with gratitude that today is not the day. Isn't that what they teach addicts?  One day at a time...

I do not want to become apathetic towards other people's plight with addiction. I do not want to forget the pain that I felt, because I want to bless someone with compassion and comfort.  I wish I could say or write something that would be the "all knowing answer"-- but I'm just a mom, who loves her son and doesn't have any kind of counseling degree.

I saw the pain in "J's" eyes, and for a moment-- I was right there with her.  I remembered the fear and pain I felt not even a year ago.

I pray that "A" will beat that demon. I pray to see her looking healthy, with her beautiful face and smile restored.  I pray for her to break free of those who are holding her in bondage, and to start her life over again.  I have no doubt that her mother wants her back.  "J" has let go, to save her.  She loves her. I saw it in her eyes.

I don't want to forget.  I want to rejoice in today, and thank God for blessing our home.

Today, I received another email from a mom who is in pain.  Thank you for writing to me.  I feel your pain, too.

May you find comfort from those who truly understand your plight.  May you find strength and wisdom in what you should, or shouldn't do, with the addict that you love.  May you find comfort from our Abba Father, our God in heaven.  Please don't blame him, because this is not his doing.  We are living in a sinful world. It's so hard to live a life that is free of sin, because temptation is everywhere.  I need my faith in God to help me be strong when temptation comes-- and it does. Because of what I went through, my faith grew ever stronger, as I cried out to the Lord. He comforted me, and restored so many things in my life.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
² My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

 

Too many random thoughts, along the bumpy road. How is my son?

It has taken me a few weeks to sit down, log in to this blog and write. That's unusual for me, because writing is my comfort.  I do a lot of self-reflection and praying, every day.  I listen to inspirational podcasts, like Pastor Greg Laurie.  I go to a weekly women's Bible Study, to study God's Word, and for fellowship. I go to church, every Sunday, to hear the Word of God being taught in such a way that I walk away feeling inspired and re-energized.  I willingly give my tithes and offerings to help organizations, and my church, to help others. 

This blog has helped me to journal, from the very beginning, about how I had to cope with my son's addiction to opiates.  For a long while, so many fellow bloggers left a lot of comments to support me... to help me wipe my tears...to offer cyber hugs and to offer their advice and support.

It helped me a lot. Many of them have gone away, or stopped reading my blog.

I keep writing.  (Not as often as I used to, but I won't go away.)

I have also read my fair share of anonymous comments who had no problem condemning me, or attacking my faith in God. I've read comments that, pretty much, labeled me an enabler-- or who offered harsh criticism about what I wrote about.

It made me stronger.

In the last few weeks, I've received comments and emails that have made my heart grieve.  I receive emails, on a weekly basis, sharing a parent's grief over their arduous journey as they watch their loved one go through drug addiction and/or withdrawals.

They paralyze me.

For the last few weeks, I have flagged those comments and emails-- and I haven't approved them, so that they'd publish on my blog.  Yes, I do have blog moderation turned on-- because I got tired of the SPAM comments from gambling sites and drug treatment centers.  Sometimes, the words that I read makes me feel so sad. It brings e back to a painful time in my life, when my son was so sick.

This morning, I need to write. The urgency is strong.  I've just published those comments.  I'm back. For today.

Where do I start? What do I address first?

Please know, that I read every single comment.  Thank you, to those of you, who pour out your hearts to me.  I really and truly do care. I pray for you. Believe me, I do.

I just received an anonymous comment from someone who said this, "Your son is not clean, he is still using suboxone (optiates) every single day. It is not a miracle, its switching one addicting drug for another...Try stopping suboxone and you will see this 'miracle' unveil its true self. Your son is still a drug addict, just a more manageable one. praise jesus right?"

Sigh.

I guess I'll start here--

Dear Anonymous person--

My son is technically not "clean".  That is, if your definition of "clean" means that he doesn't use any kind of drugs-- this includes opiates, weed or speed.  So, you win on that count.
But, you see, you don't know my son's story. It's a very long road that he has been on.  It started 11 years ago, with smoking weed.  It progressed to pills, then oxycontin, then heroin.  It progressed to my son being so strung-out, that he came close to death.

My son's addiction became a cancer in our home.  His addiction caused so much drama in our lives. It opened up a very Dark World that I was totally unfamiliar with-- the lies, his constant scamming for money for his next fix. It began to erode on my very happy marriage.  It began to cost me money that I could ill afford.

I helplessly watched my son try to kick his habit.   I watched my son try everything he could think of to break his addiction.    I was judged, criticized and attacked, by people who either thought they were experts and knew it all--or by people who didn't understand one thing about addiction -- and I began to second-guess my abilities as a mother.   

I was forced to do the unthinkable-- to learn how to detach from my son's addiction. I had to throw my son out of my home. I had to learn how to say "no" to helping him with money, and I had to watch my son suffer from withdrawals. I watched his body waste away, and worry that a call would come-- in the middle of the night-- with bad news...that my son was either in jail or at the coroner's office.

So, when my son finally got off the methadone (and I think that stuff is poison, and have nothing good to say about the clinic)-- and went on suboxone, I had to do what works for me. I sat back, and let my son deal with his own addiction.

My son is being seen by a physician who has very strict rules about being on suboxone.  B has been tapered down, to where he is on a very, very low dose.  He is nearing the end of using suboxone, and he feel confident that he'll be okay with that. He says he has no desire to use, any longer. Before you judge about suboxone, I suggest that you do research.  Dr. Junig (http://suboxonetalkzone.com/) is a medical doctor, and former drug addict.  He offers some interesting perspectives on this.  

So, is it a miracle that my son is on suboxone?

Yes. I have written, multiple times, that I pray for my son to be completely drug-free.  I wish that the only pills my son has to take would be an aspirin, on occasion, vitamins and an antibiotic (if he has some kind of infection).  Yes, my son is a drug addict. He always will be-- whether he is 100% free of suboxone-- or any kind of opiate blocker.   The suboxone treatment seems to have done the trick for my son.  He says that all cravings are gone.   He has money, at all times. He willingly pays us rent, and he pays his own car insurance, gas and all living expenses. He hasn't asked me for a dime, for six months.  Can a drug addict, who is using, do that?

What I do see is that my son lives a much more normal life than he's had in many years. 

My son said something, last week, that made me smile.  He was getting ready for his job (that he has held for two years), and said to me:

"Mom, you know what's great about being normal?"  "I earned $130.00 in tips the other night, and I still have it!  I'm going to put this in the bank.  When I was using, this would already be gone."

So, yes, Praise Jesus.

Oooops, you were using sarcasm when you wrote, "Praise Jesus, right?"

In this blog, I often talk about my faith in Christ.  I don't have the gift of evangelism (which Pastor Greg Laurie does.... and he's worth having a listen to).  I started to share my own personal testimony, on this blog-- months ago...but I never finished it.  That's because someone who knows us, personally, found my blog and was using it to hurt my son.  I stopped, because I don't want my personal story to be used against me, where I live.   If I ever do finish my personal testimony, you would better understand how God saved me from my sinful nature.

My point about Jesus Christ is this-- I don't blame God or Jesus Christ for the sorrows in my life. The sorrows in our lives are brought upon us, because there is evil and sin in this world.  Those of us who believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, believe that he died for us-- on the cross-- for our own personal redemption.  Because he loved us first.  Those of us who have accepted the gift of redemption are now adopted into the family of Christ, and we know that we will be in heaven.  In the meantime, we are here, on earth-- to learn, to share the love and to "believe" with all of our hearts.  

A world that is free of suffering is not guaranteed.  It is my faith in Christ that gives me the strength and courage that I desperately need-- because I am sinful, by nature.   I have become a much better person, since I became a believer.  I'm a work in progress.

So, did I feel offended by your anonymous comment?

Yes, for about five seconds.  

Guess what? I prayed for you.  I prayed that you would understand who the real Christ is.

I do not condemn you, either. Because God loved you first.

What do you know? My writer's block just went away.  Praising God does that to me.  When I'm feeling down, or under attack, I look up-- and I feel joy.

I'll try to write more often.  

Thank you, to all of you who write to me.  That this humble little blog has touched so many of you-- it makes me thankful.

I give all the Glory to God, for He has been good to me.  My son is alive. He is happy. The dark grip of illegal drugs has lost it's strength on my son.

I live each day in faith and gratitude.
 

Evil people doing evil things-- like stealing my blog

The horrific event in Aurora Colorado is a very painful reminder that there is so much evil in this world.  Now, my own birthday will be linked to our first landing on the Moon (July 20, 1969) and the massacre at a premiere showing of "Batman, the Dark Knight Rises". Who knows why a 24 year old boy/man snapped?  Why people had to die so tragically-- so young.  A community is shaken to it's core, and parents, siblings and friends are left to grieve the loss of their loved ones.

While the news is filled with the horror of this tragic day, it is my birthday.  I wake up feeling grateful to find birthday cards from my husband, my son, and my Facebook is filled with dozens of birthday wishes. I take a drive, on a beautiful sunny morning, to meet friends for brunch.  I spend the rest of the day buying a few things for me-- things that I find "pretty".  I can pay for them.

Later, that afternoon, my husband comes home from work and greets with me warm hugs and kisses-- tells me how lucky he is that I was born, so that I would come into his life. I tell him the same.  He takes me to dinner for a prime rib dinner.  He looks at me so lovingly, and I know that I am blessed.

Before we leave for dinner, my son comes out of his room, handsome and dressed in his freshly pressed white shirt, tie and black slacks. He's carefully polished his work shoes.  He says "love you, mom" and grabs his car keys. He's headed to his job, that he really likes.

Life, in my corner of the world, goes on as normal. I forget about the tragedy in Aurora, because my own little world is filled with much happiness.  I say a quiet prayer to God, thanking Him for all my blessings.

This morning, I receive an email from Ron, telling me that my blog was hijacked. What?  Sure enough, my blog was redirected to some evil people. I won't even share their link, but it's a drug rehab site.  Ah, but they don't know that I have a very smart husband.  He's in the computer security field.  I'm flapping around, with the veins in my neck bulging-- feeling completely violated.

We google and find out that other people are experiencing this. It's a "widget" that was installed long ago.  But evil hackers know how to get into the widgets that are stored somewhere on a computer cloud. Behind the scenes, they sneakily add a redirect code-- and just like that, your blog is gone.

One by one, we look at the HTML code to each of my widgets. There it is.  The evil culprit's code, that steals my blog address as soon as anyone lands on it.  We delete the entire widget.

Well, I'm back.  I received a few private emails telling me that they still read my blog, and I have helped to encourage them.

Thank you.  Thank you for allowing me to bless your lives.  I'm back. I'm not going anywhere.

Life throws us hurdles, and I am thankful to have the love of Jesus to help me dust myself off and go on.  I pray for the people of Aurora, Colorado.  I pray for the young man who did this evil stuff.  I pray for the man's own parents, who must be devastated to know that their son turned people's lives apart with his unspeakable act.

This was not God's plan.  There is so much evil in this world.  People forget that this is where the Dark One dwells. His plan is to devour and destroy people.  This is where those who are true believers in Christ knows, that there is a better place for us.  I will get there when I leave this life.  Until then, I'm a prayer warrior.

May God bring healing to those who need it most. Today. Now.