Friday with my son....at least, I hope so

I feel as though my battery is running low. Yesterday, I was flushed and feeling a little "off".  When I get home, last night, I made homemade chicken soup and went to be early. I was too tired to blog, watch TV or do much of anything else.

I try to reply to the comments that are left by you readers, but I'm so tired when I get home that I don't do it as often as I want to. Thank you so much. I read each of your comments, and consider what you are trying to say. There is so much wisdom and support that each of you generously leaves. I appreciate hearing the points of view from parents and I especially appreciate hearing the perspectives from recovering addicts. 

My son called me, yesterday. He was upset that his doctor won't renew his prescription for suboxone because he has not been in to see him for three months. B called me, sounding very upset. B had a doctor's appointment that he "forgot" about. Now, the next opening isn't for three weeks and the office basically acts like "oh well".  They're not a friendly office. In fact, they're downright rude. But, they are the only certified doctor to prescribe suboxone where we live. I wish another doctor would come into town and give this office some competition. But, that's just me...

"Mom, I'm scared".  "I can't make it past five days", my son lamented.

You need help, B but you won't seek it-- is all I could think.

Let me pause right there-- 
I am fully aware that my son is trying-- without any success-- to work his own program. B has talked himself into a million reasons why "meetings" don't work.  He has a sponsor who has way too much personal drama in his life. My son's life is spiraling into complete danger.  B knows what to do. He learned it in April 2008, at his treatment center. My son did really well while he was in rehab. He's smart. He knows all the sayings of the program. He was all about "the program". He stayed sober for six months.  I have paid for counselors. I have taken my son to meetings. I've even set up "rewards" (privileges) if he went to meetings. I've drug tested him. 

B cannot seem to let go of his "past"-- those friends that he used with.  For six months, B lived away from here. Still, he admits he would drive 2 hours back to his home turf.  So, my son relapsed after six months. He did another stint in rehab one year ago, at this time. He used drug inside the treatment center. So, you see? B isn't necessarily safe in a treatment center.

My son needs to learn how to be safe with himself, no matter where he is!

I know that the best thing for B would be to go into a treatment center and then an SLE for one year. There's a good chance I can get my son into "Rescue Mission", located in the Bay Area of California. There, my son can live for FREE for one year.  But B won't do it. He says the area "isn't nice". (Really, and your life is all roses?)  He says that he doesn't want to live with a bunch of junkies. (Really? And you are...?)  I've heard of Teen Challenge.  B's friend "Z" spent a year there. Z came back clean and sober and on fire for Jesus. It is "Z" who offered my son free heroin if he'd hook him up with his connection. Z spews out scripture and goes to church, then uses heroin.

I found such hope that my son was working, got his own apartment and that he wasn't using. But he admits that he can't stay clean for seven days. He made it to fifteen days, and then his friend seduced him. It takes two, I know...

Back to my son's call--

Finally, I said to B, "I can't help you. I can only be a compassionate voice".

There was a pause. I had a feeling that my son was hoping I'd offer to buy him suboxone at full price. I won't. First, I can't afford that luxury. Secondly-- my son was irresponsible with his suboxone. Whether his roommate stole them, or my son sold them is irrelevant. Had my son been more careful, knowing that his roommate is a thief, he would still have suboxone.  I didn't say this out, loud of course. I'm just letting you (readers) know my thoughts.

Then I said, "If  "M" (his roommate) is such a good friend, then it is his responsibility to replace the subs that he stole from you.".

Silence.

"I'm sorry, honey. I can hear your frustration and fear. You need help, and you need to find a way to not need suboxone. Your insurance is finished in two months."  NOTE: My son's COBRA will increase to $800.00 a month, and we cannot afford that. As it is, we are paying $400.00 a month.

"Yeah", he said, sadly.

"I'm sorry, hon. I really am".

I didn't hear from my son all day on Thursday. As I laid in bed, I prayed for my son. I can't imagine that B has any peace in his head.

I'm supposed to pick B up at 6:00, tonight.  I plan to take him to his apartment to gather up his dirty laundry. My son's clothing  looks unkempt. He has no money or car to get to a laundromat.  I will cook dinner for my son, and let him take a good shower. My son doesn't shower for weeks, but he doesn't stink. I don't know why. It grosses me out, but that's how he's been for quite some time. 

It is my hope that I can try and put aside my son's drug addiction, and have a small amount of family time. It will be "pretend", but dinner in our home is about conversation. When B was a little boy, I never allowed the TV to be on.  Dinner = family time.  How I long to spend time with my son, where we're not talking about drugs!

I hope that my son can enjoy a homecooked meal and take home clean smelling clothes. I'll drive him home, tell him I love him and pray he gets some sleep.

But, anything can happen. When my son is withdrawing, it's so painful to see. Sometimes, he can't eat.  He sleeps a lot.

My son turns 21 on Sunday.  It seems that B has taken a detour from the path that God  set before him. I pray that my son will find his way back to that road that is lit by God's perfect light.

Stay tuned...

Ten minutes in the car with my son...

I think I'm in a state of "numb".  By that, I feel as though I've grown a very thick skin when it comes to dealing with my son's addiction to opiates. I feel as though B is in limbo. He's withdrawing again. It pains me, deeply, when I see my son leaning against my car window...his arms crossed protectively over his stomach. From the corner of my eye, I can tell that my son is in pain.

I gave B a ride to his job at 6:30 this morning. B muttered an apology to me that he wasn't talkative. Yesterday was his day off (they cut 8 hours from his 56 hour work week). He said he stayed in bed all day long.   What can I say to that?

B muttered "I can't go on doing this".  Somehow, I interpreted that to mean that he's tired of the cycle of sobriety, then relapse, then withdrawal.  I paused a moment.  Then I said, "it's an evil thing".

"What?" he asked.

"Drugs. It's an evil thing. It draws you in."

"Yeah", he responded.

He's due for more suboxone.  I suggested he call and order them.  I handed B a lunch I packed for him, as I made mine.

I will pick B up on Friday, after work. I told him to bring all of his dirty clothes and I'll make him a nice dinner while he is washing it.

"Thanks mom", he said.  He opened the car door into the early morning dark.  For a moment, B looked at me-- as though he wanted to say something.  Then he said "bye and thanks".

I drove off to work, feeling sick to my stomach.  For a moment, I began to horribilize my son's imminent death or incarceration, unless he changes his ways.  Then, I turned in my iPod and listened to Pastor Greg Laurie on Harvest radio.   Pastor Greg has been my morning dose of teaching of the gospel.  He's a wonderful teacher and I have faithfully listened to his daily 20 minute messages.  Today's message is on "courage".  I was reminded of the Apostle Paul, who was suffering in a Roman dungeon.  Still, Paul sang hymns and praised God. Pastor Greg went on to explain that "be of good cheer" in Greek really translates to "Be of good courage".

I'm in that dungeon right now.  I turned off his show and said a prayer for a mother who wrote to me last night. She shared her story with me-- so similar to many of ours. Tonight, I will read her story when I have time to respond to her.

For a moment, tears welled up in my eyes. When that happens, it's when I pray like this:

Father, thank you that you are my source of strength and courage. I pray that a miracle will happen for my son, today. I pray that before my son ends up in jail, or he dies from his drug use, that he will be enlightened by you. B is under spiritual attack, and I pray that you will intervene for my son. I ask that you will empower me with your wisdom and knowledge.  Thank you, Father, that despite my pain in watching my son destroying his life and health-- that I can still feel that my blessings far outweigh my struggles.
I pray for the mother who reached out to me. I pray that you will use me as your voice to her, and others who are struggling with a loved ones with addiction.

Thank you, Father, for your mercy.

In Jesus Name.

My thought for today-- courage is fear with prayers.

B's phone call to me and his update

No sooner had I logged off from my laptop yesterday (Saturday)  and I got busy doing my chores-- the phone rang at 10:45am. It was B. 

"Hey, mom".  "Can you give me a ride to work?" 

Of course, I said yes. These are rare golden moments to catch up on my son.  I'll try to update what he said and  I will type my thoughts in italics, as they were conversations in my head but I never said to B.

I picked up B at 11:40am. He smiled, and as we drove off I asked him how he's been.

B: "Not good", he replied.

Me: Shi*, I thought in my head.

B: Well, remember how I said I had 15 days of sobriety... (he pauses).

Me: Dear God, I think to myself.

B: Well, "M" stole all of subs (suboxone) and so it made me relapse.

I said nothing. I just felt my stomach doing twists.

B:  I relapsed, mom.  I'm broke.

Me: "Are you sober now?"

B: Yes.

Pause a moment-- I'm not believing that. How can he be clean without subs? He'd be in terrible withdrawals. But, I don't say these things... I just listen.

B went on to tell me that his friend "Z" asked B to connect him with dope (heroin).  "Z" freebases it, just like my son does. B said that Z offered him a free gram for hooking him up.

"How can I say no to that, mom? I'm an addict?!"

I said nothing.  I felt like throwing up and my head was spinning.

B goes on to say he's sick of being M's roommate and he wants out. He says as soon as he gets money-- they he says, quickly-- "yeah, I keep saying that but I meant it, this time"...he says he wants to move out and away from M. He blames his friends for getting him strung out again.

No, B, you got yourself strung out, I think.

At this point, I ask how much his paycheck was. He tells me, and he explains that he owed Z $350.00 for drugs he fronted for him and another $150.00 for his "connection".  I do my head math, and realize that left him with less than $100.00 to last for two weeks. Essentially, all of his hard earned money went for drugs.

B goes on to tell me, in great detail, about his relapse. Deja vu', I think.

Finally, I said to my son "I'm disappointed and I'm sad, but I'm not surprised.   I don't lecture, this time. I realized that I've made a step in acceptance that I cannot change my son's decision to be clean or sober. He has to do it.

What I did say to B was that I cannot focus on his friends who are using. I tell my son that I can only focus on his (my son's story)-- and that I'm praying for him, because that's all I can do.

B is quiet.  I think he was expecting a lecture, but it never came.

He asks if I would buy him a bottle of water, because he's thirsty. Being a diabetic-- and one who doesn't take care of his health-- thirst is common when his blood sugar is high...stress really causes B's blood sugars to soar. I park, get out of the car with him and I buy him water,  some snacks and I give him $5.00 to buy lunch at the golf course snack shop. B grins, and says "thank you" with enthusiasm.  For the record, I don't consider that enabling.  B can't buy drugs for $5.00. He has to eat-- and he's a diabetic. Sometimes, the diabetes overrules his drug addiction, in my book.

I drop him off work and tell him I love him.  I tell him I'm praying that he will disconnect himself from friends who use.  I emphasis, that I'm praying for him. He nods his heads in agreement, says he loves me, gets out of the car and waves at me as I drive away.

As I'm walking through the grocery store, I realize how blessed my life is. I can buy anything I want to
eat-- filet mignon, organic fruits and vegetables-- anything I want at all. We aren't rich, but we have no debt.  We have savings, and both of us work and have benefits.  My son is struggling to make ends meet-- learning how to pay rent, he has no car, and he's a drug addict who is insulin dependent. He has little food in his apartment, and he is broke.

I realize that my head is spinning in shock, and I begin praying that God would ease the stress and fear that is beginning to well inside my eyes and I feel like crying.  Fortunately, I compose myself and I begin to shop for the groceries we need for the week. There's no filet mignon, of course!  I shop frugally and wisely. My husband and I live a very simple life, and we like it just that way.

I dreamed of my son, last night. At moments when I would wake to full consciousness, I prayed for him.  My son is struggling against odds that are not in his favor.  I'm so disappointed in his relapse. I come to terms that my son has never really been sober since May 2009.

I think of fellow bloggers who have children in jail.  I pray for them. I cannot imagine the pain of knowing your loved one is in jail. I thank God that my son isn't in jail. I drift back to sleep...

This morning, I went to the grocery store and bought my son some grocery staples. I will take the $50.00 out of his trust account-- which is slowly whittling down to nothing.  I still don't think this is enabling. While my son blew his money on drugs, I won't let him starve. Again, he's a diabetic and he needs to eat.  We swing to his apartment (right behind the grocery store) and B comes downstairs to retrieve what I bought-- milk, bread, cheese, juice (for low blood sugars), lunch meat, some canned chili. He's is so thankful. 

B never asked me for money or food. I wanted to do this. Is this codependence?  No, I don't think so. It's a mother loving her child. 


In my heart, my son is still using.  As I sit in church, I bow my head and pray that my son will return to his Higher Power.  Without my son leaning on Jesus Christ, his odds of never recovering are not in his favor. Without Jesus Christ in my life, I would not have the strength to accept the things I cannot change. Without my faith in God, I would worry myself sick over my son.

I believe that I have made a giant leap of faith as the mother of a drug addict. I finally understand that there is nothing I can say or do to help my son find sobriety.  My son will have to finally admit that he is powerless to change his ways-- until he wants sobriety more than anything else in his life.

For now, the best thing I can do is what I have finally learned.   I need to be a safe place where my son can tell me what's happening in his life.  I believe that B finally trusts me-- and if I can learn to listen to him and continue to praise God's name and pray for my son-- one day, my son will surrender his will to God's. I truly believe this. B picked up his bible from me about two weeks ago.  He talks of God, often.

One day, my son will ask God to shine his perfect light and exposes the darkness that possesses him right now.

I'm very sad to know that my son is still using.  I rejoice that God has been so merciful to my son.

At least my son is alive.  I continue to pray that God would sever the relationship between B and M. I continue to pray for M, who is an alcoholic and a drug addict.  I feel pity for M's spiral into what, I believe, will ultimately end up with his being in jail.

I pray my son will never end up in jail-- and that he will change his ways, before it's too late.

I've been without the internet for 24 hours. In a way, it's almost like God holding me to my affirmation that I want to whittle down my time on the internet and to spend more time doing things for me-- and for my marriage.  So, back to real life-- I'm logging off now.


Thanks for listening and reading.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. --Reinhold Niebuhr In loving memory of Fr Bertram Griffin -- 1932-2000 Requiescat in Pace

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3, 5-6

Getting to know my support system & restructuring my daily routine

Sleeping in, this morning, was long overdue. Yesterday was a 14 hour day for me-- my job and then working the football game ticket booth with my husband. We get paid to do it, and we enjoy the energy of the high school kids-- and watching the game in our beautiful new stadium. Still, I was dragging my knuckles as I came home.

I checked my blog and then I decided to visit the other blogs I'm following. I found myself reading late into the night. Then, I realized-- I spend a lot of timing blogging my food and recipes in my "other profile". I spend time taking care of my house chores, cooking for ourselves and reading recipes.

I don't spend enough time visiting other bloggers who are dealing with addiction in their lives.  Why?  I felt selfish and I want to change that.  Before falling asleep, I quietly prayed for my son and for the stories I had read -- and caught up with.

I changed my routine, this morning. Instead of reading my food bloggers RSS feeds, I read blog RSS feeds on addiction. I want to get to know all of you.  You have been so supportive to me! I want to support and pray for you. 

I still feel angst about my son's silence. We did not have a disagreement, or anything.  Having read Madison's post this morning, I hope that my son is avoiding me.  Madison made a comment on another blog (I have so grown to admire her) that spoke to my heart. My co-dependent tendency is to feel resentment when my son doesn't accept my help-- recently, offering to drive him to the DMV to get his driver's license replaced.  Thank you, Madison.  You are right. I need to be aware of that.

I am checking in on Lynn's blog, Where is my Perfect Happy Family?, because she needs encouragement. I am praying that she will not feel so overwhelmed and inadequate and that she will slowly learn to work on not enabling her son.

I always read An Addict In Our Son's Bedroom-- there, I find so much wisdom, written to eloquently.

I am relating with Lisa's pain in denying her son's request to move back home. 

There are many other bloggers I will acknowledge-- so if I didn't mention you, I will! 

Now, I'm going to log off my laptop and pay attention to my husband and taking care of my weekend chores. My refrigerator cupboard is bare and I want tonight to be a date night. 

I miss my son, and I have grappled with "should I call"?  I think I need to let my son call me. He knows I love him.  I have to wait, patiently and hope B is working on his sobriety. With his crazy, alcoholic roommate, the odds are not in his favor. Still, I have to resist my urge to "horribilize" my thoughts with too many "what if's".

Praying for and appreciating all of my blogger friends and followers. Thank you!

A prayer for my son as I wait to hear from him

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for your grace and for your mercy with my son. You know that my heart is heavy, having not heard from my son.  I pray that my son's lack of calling me is all of your divine plan for him. I pray that my son is breaking away from me, and that he is learning to take care of his obligations without my interference.
I confess to you that, at times, I feel anxiety and fear for my son's safety. But, I give that back to you, Lord, at the cross I lay all of my worry. For if I worry, then I am telling you that I don't trust you.

I pray for the families of addicts and lift them up to you. I pray that you would encourage their hearts, qualm their fears and reveal yourself to them-- that they would know that you are our Almighty God and that nothing is impossible for you.

I pray for Lynn, who found my blog and is reaching our for support from those of us who share an addict in our family. May you comfort her, guide her and hear her prayers.  I pray that you will bless my blog as a ministry and a conduit for your glory, Father.

I ask that you would put it into my son's heart, to send me a message that will be good news. I pray that my son, right now, is sober and that he is longing to reconnect with you. I pray that my son is feeling the peace and joy that only our Lord, Jesus can give us when we are most afraid.

Thank you, Father, for blessing my life-- with my husband, my friends, my blog supporters and my church.

I pray these things, in Jesus Name.

Amen.