Keeping it Real with my Son

 No, this is not my home! But, I wish it was!

Carmel, California

Memorial Weekend... I hope that everyone, including myself, will be flying the American flag on Monday.  My father, who has passed, served in WWII and in the Korean War for our country. He was a veteran, and not a casualty of war.  I am thinking of our fallen men and women in Afghanistan and Iran.  They deserve a moment of silence and appreciation.

After weeks of unusually cold weather and late rains, it's a beautiful day and I am off for the next three days.  I feel so blessed to have a community pool where I can swim early in the morning, and then relax in a jacuzzi.  Trust me, there is never a time that goes by that I don't stop and thank God for where I live.  Just twelve years ago, I was a divorced mom of a ten year old boy-- deep in debt, scraping by to make ends meet.  Today, I'm happily remarried to a wonderful man.  My son is almost 22 years old. He's also an addict. He will be, until the day he takes his last breath.

While I have been scarce on this blog, it's only because my son's dramas have (thankfully) come to a dull roar. Amen and thank you, God.  He is still living with us and has kept his job, at the golf course, for nine months. Considering that he was using for the first three months, that's a miracle. B is also working at the restaurant, and he likes it a lot.  Still, he doesn't make enough money to live on his own.  I've been on this blog long enough, that I'm going to reveal the general area of where I live.  I live on the Central Coast of California-- close to Big Sur, Carmel and Pebble Beach. Ever been there?  It's a very expensive to live.  My home is inland, where the real estate prices are substantially less from the million dollar-- and even multi-million dollars homes where I commute to work each workday.  To live here, one must make at least $20.00 an hour.  My son, who doesn't have a college education-- or even a trade-- makes half that.  He works six days a week...sometimes seven but still doesn't make more than $800.00 a month, after gas expenses.  I hope that he can live with us long enough to save some money.  He's been paying us "rent savings" but he's eeking by.

B's methadone is tapering down, and he's beginning to feel "off".  I'm not going to buy into the scare tactics. With all due respect to my regular blog visitor, Angelo, I'm not going to buy into the panic.  I've had people tell me that they've taken three times my son's dose and they don't understand why my son is only at 23mg per day.  I can't answer that, because I'm not a methadone expert.  I can only tell you that California has very strict guidelines...far stricter than most states.  I was told that because of my son's youth, that they don't want him to be on methadone for more than six months. 

So, while I'm feeling thankful that my son has alienated himself from the friends he once used with-- and that his work keeps him busy and distracted-- I am not feeling a sense that my son's chances of not relapsing are 100%.  I ever heard my son say that if he feels "sick" from not using methadone, that he's going back on it. He said, just today, that he doesn't want to use. 

What I see in my son is a lack of motivation.  I see him lacking any kind of organization skills. His procrastination in taking care of things is enough to frustrate me.  I don't say much. Sure, I mention things or I write things down on our family calendar. Still, he doesn't feel any sense of urgency to take care of things-- like taking care of his health or dental work he needs.  He doesn't manage his diabetes very well.  Sometimes I think he just doesn't value himself.  I take into consideration his immaturity and youth, sure. 

Just when I find myself wanting to have "the talk" with him (about my frustrations) he greets me with a warm smile and I find him to be that son that I so love and adore. 

I'm trying to keep it all real, with my son.  For the record, I do believe that addiction is a disease.  I don't think it's a choice. What I do believe is that there is a battle between Dark and Light. The darkness knows my son's weakness and wants to tempt him back into full-blow addiction. The Light-- which is God-- is my son's best and only defense against the spiritual attacks on him.  I think my son is walking in the middle-- like a tightrope.
I pray for him every single day.  I also think of my Blogger Friends, and I pray for so many of you who are going through even worse than I have. I do thank God for the reprieve we've been given. I can only pray that my son will embrace sobriety, so matter what temptations and spiritual attacks that come at him.

Thanks to Barbara, she led me to visit "Mother of a Beautiful Boy".   I understand her cry to find other Christian parents of addicts.  I've been unabashed in sharing my faith, eventhough there must be people who are non-believers who have stumbled onto my blog. No matter what, we all share the same grief. If you haven't already, please pay her a visit. She's beginning a journey that many of us know all too well...

Blessings,

May Blessings and an update

My husband and I took a nice drive 120 miles south of where we live to see the purple lupines and other wildflowers in full bloom.  That was in early April, but I can remember the sense of peace I felt-- knowing that my son was at work and that he would be moving back to our house in just a few days.  B has been living with us for a little over a month now.  It's been an interesting May, to say the least.  After eleven years of renting my home from a distant cousin, then remarrying to C... we finally bought the house!  It's been a huge decision to make, given that the economy hasn't been officially pronounced to be recession free.  We took advantage of the big tax credits, and we also thanked the Lord that we didn't buy the house during that crazy real estate frenzy.  The sale price of the house was HALF of what it was at the time people were pushing us to buy it.   We feel very blessed, though cash poor for a while-- and we'll certainly have to live frugally, until next tax year.  Thank you God!

The day after we closed escrow, I lost my job.  (Do I hear an "awwwwwww").  It's interesting how I took it all in.  The story is that I got "bumped".  It's a union term where someone with seniority can take someone's job if they are laid off or get their hours cut.  This person got cut from 40 to 36 hours, and thought they are 66 years old, they decided my job would be "fun".  I was devastated, mainly because I've grown so attached to the high school kids.  That night, I prayed that God would help me see the blessing in all of this. I cried, but C said we would move forward with the house.  The next day, I decided to take that person's job. Ultimately, I'm cut down to 36 hours per week.  The bummer is that I have to work a split shift-- 9am - 1pm, then 5pm till 9pm.

It took a few days to move from resentment to acceptance and then I found peace with it all.  My co-workers tell me that the person will last a month, at best. I'm saying it will last a year, and then they will retire.  Hopefully, I can come back.  'Nuff about me.

My son...  the last time I wrote was on Mother's Day, just two days before my job change happened.  B said something that was one of the biggest compliments he could have given me.  He said that he was so proud of me on how I handled what happened.  He said that he could see how much faith I have in God, and that I handled it so well.  That means a lot to me.  I'm so glad that he sees that.

Because of some connections I have, my son will be starting a second job tomorrow. He will return to the restaurant industry as a "busser".  Given that's in a part of town that is very affluent, with a lot of tourists, he should make really good money.  He is still working at the golf course, and he hopes to keep both jobs.

Is he using?  No, I don't think so. He is in the fifth month of methadone, but his blind taper has begun.  The plan is that by the end of June, he will no longer be using methadone.  FYI to those of you who are familiar with methadone treatment (I don't know all the "lingo"), he has always been on a very low dose, to begin with. I was told about 25mg a day. That's low, right?

B will have maintenance care for a month, which involves seeing the doctor and some blood work.

For the first time in two years, I really do believe that B has a very good chance of staying sober.  He has cut off ties with the friends he uses with.  He is home every night. His cellphone rarely rings.  Most importantly, the drama has ceased!  He's eating again and this is the best part-- he has become a loving son, and we are getting along.

He's still disorganized and procrastinates.  He's forgetful.  He can't manage money well, and I'm trying to teach him skills.  He's paying us rent, of which 75% goes into a rent savings for when he moves.  He still smokes, though he's cut back.

Oh, and I finally helped him get rid of that stupid car that kept breaking down.  I found a great deal on a almost brand new Hybrid vehicle, since I will have a longer commute. I traded in my son's car and gave him my old one.  Everybody won!

B and I both know that when the MMR treatment ends-- at the end of June-- that my son is now treading in dangerous waters.  Somehow, I have a feeling that he's a little wiser about staying away from those who will want to lead him down the path of temptation. I also believe that B doesn't want to pay the price of getting high.  He's so afraid of withdrawals that I think he's wants to steer clear of opiates.

Hopefully, B will quit the golf course and do well at the restaurant, which is 20 miles from where we live.  Then, he can rent a room in that area and really break free of this city where he knows too many people. Besides, I have no respect for his current boss. He's broken so many labor laws, not to mention that he's just highly unethical.
Please know, that I remember all of you so well in my thoughts and prayers.  I received a lovely email from A Mom's Serious Blunder thanking me "for my introduction to these kind people that offer support here in blog land. I will never forget that."  What a very kind thing to say!  I feel that way about many of you, who were always there to encourage me when I was feeling so afraid or angry about my son's relapsed.


I am thankful for all the support that I received on this blog and the friendships I've made.  I hope you know that my long stretches of not blogging is a good thing.  It means that the storms of life have receded for now. Another one will come, and I pray that I will make it through because of my deep faith in God.

Thinking of all Mom's on Mother's Day

Hello to my friends, followers, family and Anonymous Readers--

My posts are becoming fewer and far between, only because so much has been going on-- unrelated to my son.  But today, I was not going to skip the making of time to acknowledge the women who are Mother's of Drug Addicts. I was laying in bed, in the early hours of the morning, feeling so thankful that my son is sleeping in his bed in our own home.  The church that I attend has a 25 minute television show that comes on 1/2 hour before we leave to attend it.  I had the show turned on, while I was getting dressed and ready for church. Our Pastor (who wears Dockers and Hawaiian shirts) was sharing the message of Jesus and his Mother Mary.  I began to think about how painful that must have been for Mary to see her own son, being crucified on the cross.  Then all kinds of thoughts began on my own journey as the Mother of a Drug Addict:

Two years ago, at this time, my son was living in a Sober Living Environment in Oakland, California. He was about 125 miles away from home.  B had been out of his first detox/rehab for a little over a week. Today, my son is reaching five months of not using illegal street drugs.  I hesitate to say that he is "clean and sober".  That my son no longer wants to use drugs, because of the Methadone Clinic he goes to is highly controversial. As far as I am concerned, my son isn't using.  I digress--

The foremost thought that was on my mind, before leaving to church, was to tell any mom of a drug addict--- "Do not blame yourself"!  The only exception to that rule, is if a mom is also a drug addict and is using with or in the presence of their own children-- otherwise, it is not your fault.

In the theme of Mother's Day, I want to lift up in prayer:

• I pray for mothers whose drug addicts are nowhere to be found. May God give your heart strength and may He fill your pain with his loving presence and that you will hear from your child-- and that he/she is safe.
• I pray for mothers whose child is incarcerated.  I know someone like that, and it breaks my heart just knowing the pain that has caused. 
• I pray for moms whose child is in jail, and you are rejoicing because of it. I understand it. I pray that your child will find the desire and means to change their ways, because of it.

• I pray for single moms, who are struggling to make ends meet. May God fill your hearts with encouragement, financial blessings and windfalls, courage and strength. I have walked that path, and it is a very difficult one.
• I pray for step moms, who have/are raising drug addicts.  I believe that a child doesn't have to come from your own womb. to be worthy of a mother's love. I pray that you will be a positive influence on the children who come into your life, through marriage.
• I pray for mothers, whose hearts are broken. God sees your pain, and he grieves with you.  I pray that you will find comfort, strength, and friendships and support groups that will help you to find the strength and hope to deal with the sad and tragic stories of addicts who are out of control.
• I pray for moms whose drug addicts have found sobriety. I pray that you will turn your own story into one that will encourage moms who are just beginning this journey.
• I pray for moms, who have lost their own children, because they are drug addicts themselves. I pray that your life is changing into a life of sobriety, and that you will find reconciliation with your children.
• I pray for children, who have been alienated by their own mother because of their choices. If you are one of them, and are reading this-- I pray that God will fill your heart with the strength and courage to call her...right now, today...and to say "I'm sorry" and to ask for her forgiveness. 

I thank God, for giving me the gift of Motherhood. No matter what choices my son has made... no matter what lies he has told me... no matter how many tears I've cried and no matter how much anger and frustration he has put me through-- he is my precious son.  I have never regretted that B was my chosen gift from God.  I would give my life for him, I know it. All the sacrifices I've made for him came naturally-- out of a deep love for him.

With the help of God, I have learned to accept my son, just as he is. I am the Mother of a Drug Addict, yes. But he is still that 9 pound, 12 ounce boy who came into the world 21 1/2 years ago.  He might be 6'3 tall, but he will always be MY child.  I am not ashamed of him.  I am very open to people if the situation comes up about my son's drug addiction.  I want God to turn my pain into my testimony.

There is a front page story, in today's local newspaper, about a father of two children.  This  man became addicted to Oxycontin when he suffered from a degenerative disease of his hips. He's had two surgery, and was said to be in excruciating pain.  This men robbed several local pharmacies for Oxycontin. He was finally caught and was sentenced to four years in prison. He had no prior criminal history. He was so desperate for the drug, The article quoted, ""Sixty milligrams, every eight hours, month after month, year after year," is what he took. 

I thought of my own son-- it is truly a miracle of God's grace on my own son, that my son is not in a jail cell or prison.  I believe that with all of my heart--  for whatever reason, God protected my son from all the dangers of the people who hung out with, places he went to score drugs, and from a period selling drugs to feed his addiction. 

My story about my son's drug addiction hasn't ended.  For now, I can rejoice that he has lived with us for four weeks. He has paid his rent. He has few friends, as has severed most of his ties with those he used with.  He goes to work, six days a week. But, he is the boy that I once knew. I see his loneliness, and I pray that my son will meet someone that God will send into his life. For now, my son says I am his best friend. That's a touching thought, but I am his Mother first and foremost.

I  remain, guardedly optimistic.  B is supposed to wean off the methadone in one more month.    

While my son has failed (again) to buy a Mother's Day Card for me-- I have let go of my pity party over that. What I realized today, in church, is this:

I am absolutely positive that my son loves me. I have no doubt that he sees all that I've done to help him, and he is grateful-- though me might take some things for granted.

I am also thinking of my own mother, who has been gone for 8 years. While our relationship was never the loving friendship that I hope I have with my own son-- she taught me important life skills. I thank her for teaching me all the business skills I have. I thank her for teaching me how to cook, bake and take care of my house. I thank her for raising me with good morals (thought I took a 20 year detour from them) and to be an independent woman.  She was a good mom, thought not perfect, and I'm glad I finally told her that I loved her-- and that I apologized for my disrespectful attitude as a teenager.  I have peace in that.

Through all the pain and anger B's  drug use has brought into our lives, I believe that he regrets it. He tells me all the time.  My prayer for B is that he will find ways to deal with the storms of life. I pray that he will become a man of integrity and honor.  Whether he embraces the love of Jesus in his life is his choice. Ultimately, I pray that my son will come to know the love of God that our Heavenly Father has for him.  God has been so good to us.

I pray that for those who don't know it, yet.

With all of my heart-- Happy Mother's Day.  I pray for miracles in your life. 

 

Deuteronomy 6

⁴ Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. ^{[a] 5} Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. ⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

So far, so good and updates on B's addiction

Dear Readers, Family & Friends,

I'm sorry for my silence.  I hardly have time to post on my food blog, let alone here. Still, I think it's worthwhile to update those of you who read my blog (thank you) on how my son is doing. Since I haven't blogged in close to two weeks, I'll do my best to share things I hope will help others-- hopefully to give hope and to share what I am learning during this process:

B moved in two weeks ago, today.  My husband and I had a meltdown over it.  "C" had his share of worries and not wanting my son to come home...all perfectly understandable. His fear was that B would come here and pull the same crap that he had before. C said that he didn't want an addict in the house, because he didn't want the addict behavior that goes with it.  I've never heard my husband hiss such anger at me before, so I was really taken aback.  Fortunately, I kept my short-temper in check.  I gritted my teeth, and as I headed to work I did what helps me the most-- I talked to God in fervent prayer. I prayed that God would soften my husband's heart so that C could find forgiveness for my son.

I have blogged plenty of my son's lies, manipulations and relapses on this blog. Those of us who are experienced parents of drug addicts know that addicts are master manipulators. They lie so easily that they actually believe what they say to be the truth.  Despite the heartache my son has put me through, I still love him. My son has his mother's unconditional love.  However, I've come a very long way in the last two years.  I have learned that for me to say "no" to my son comes easier.

While praying, I was filled with such love for my husband. He is a wonderful person, with a kind spirit and I am very lucky to be his wife.  I realized that the root of the problem is that my son isn't his own flesh and blood. C didn't know my son, until he was almost sixteen years old.  At that time, neither one of us knew my son had an addiction to opiates. Neither one of us had even heard of oxycontin.  My son was also a typical teenager-- rebellious, disrespectful... added to the fact he was a drug dealer, my relationship with him wasn't the best. I was very frustrated with my son, and he went to live with his father.

For those of you who are new to my blog-- my son was living in a very dark world.  He was involved with very dangerous people, who have ties with local gangs. No, my son never joined a gang. But, he was dealing drugs in their turf.   I thank God, every day, for his mercy on my son. It is truly a miracle that my son never got arrested. It is equally a miracle that he didn't get shot or stabbed.  Sometimes my son tells me horror stories of close calls, and I can't bear to hear it.

I tell you this, because I can understand why my husband had a meltdown about letting my son come home.  By the Grace of God, C and I had a heart-to-heart talk-- I explained that I understood why it's so easy for him to dismiss my son. B isn't his own child, and he never played a role in raising him.  On the other hand, I explained to him my heartache and love for my son-- and why I can't give up on him. I listened to C's side of the story, and I can understand his frustration about addictive behavior. Both C and I came out of relationships with alcoholics, so we've had our own personal war stories that have left us both with war wounds.

C agreed to allow B to stay with us for one month.  That night, I sat quietly, while C told my son his honest doubts and fears about him coming to our house.  C's final words to B were "let's give it a month, and see what happens from there."

B hasn't been a problem, so far. His work hours differ from ours, so we only see him for an hour or two, before we retire to bed. What is different, this time, is that B is home. His cellphone barely rings at all. When he comes straight home, from work, he stays in his room.  When B was using, he was always leaving the house or sitting in his car (to smoke heroin).  His cellphone was constantly going off.

As for B's behavior-- he is, once again,  the kid I know. His speech is normal and articulate. He's in a good mood and has not been disrespectful at all. His hygiene is much better.  His diabetes is better, in that he doesn't have high blood sugars as much.  For a Type I diabetic, stress can make blood sugars soar to dangerous levels.

Money-- this is my son's greatest challenge. The good news is, I'm confident he isn't buying illegal drugs, because he would not have been able to pay his rent etc. B lived in poverty, though.  After paying his rent, he could barely afford to buy food and he had to pay gas money to people to drive him around. His clothes are looking worn-out, as are his shoes. I can see why the temptation to deal drugs is hard to give up, because back in those days, my son had all kinds of expensive shoes and electronic toys.  It's been a real eye-opener to him, but B says he is glad to be away from "the game".  Still, I see that my son borrows money to get by until his next paycheck. The problem is, something unexpected happens, and he finds himself broke on payday-- after paying back his cash advance places and friends. I find some comfort in knowing that my son pays back his debts. Still, I wish my son would understand the concept that if you have to borrow money, that you are living beyond your own means.

Last-- my son's sobriety.  This is one of the biggest debates between my husband and me.  C thinks that as long as my son is methadone, that he isn't clean.  C is frustrated that my son isn't going to a 12-step program.
Let me reiterate my feelings on methadone and sobriety-- which is subject to change:

Sobriety

First, I think that the 12-Step program is brilliant.  The 12-steps do make total sense to me. I like that it is a  Higher Power based program.  Spirituality is good. I believe in the God of the Holy Bible, so I know the power that comes from my faith.  I have been to 12-step meetings, about a dozen times.  However, the 12-step program doesn't have 100% success with addiction, of any kind.  I've been to some meetings that were quite good, and to other meetings where I couldn't leave quick enough-- maybe it was disorganized, or the leadership wasn't very good. I struggle with listening to people whining and complaining, as I've blogged about before. If this format works for you, I'm truly happy for you! It didn't help me at all. In fact, my blog and other blogs like mine are where I've gotten the best support-- and that's a fact. That is not to say that I will never try a 12-step again.  We shall see..

The 12-Step program folks do not condone the use of methadone.  Many of you have left comments that say methadone was equally addicting as the heroin you were addicted to.  I don't disagree. For that reason, B says he doesn't want to go to a 12-step while he is using methadone. He fears being criticized if he lets that fact slip out. This is what I told my husband:

Finding sobriety is, in many ways, similar to my struggle to control my own weight.  I am an emotional eater, and always have been-- I know that my weight struggles stem from my childhood abuse.  My perfectionism, to be the best at baking and cooking, comes from self-esteem issues. Consequently, my weight has yo-yo'd for most of my adult life.  I have a sugar addiction-- which is similar to what drugs to the brain.  Sugar gets the endorphins going, and that is why sugar was forbidden in my son's rehab program.  I digress.  People who have a severe weight problem have, most likely, tried many kinds of diets, starvation, gyms and such-- have lost weight and then gained it all back. In essence, I've done that and relapsed back into my old habits. I've lost and gained weight many times over.  Fortunately, I'm not dangerously obese. My point is that there are some people who are so desperately to lose weight, that they have to resort to having gastric bypass surgery.  Their lives will forever change, after this drastic surgery.

Methadone, to me, is that drastic last resort for opiate addicts. Unfortunately, my son feels that the 12-step programs (in our small community) don't work for him. Unlike large cities, B has a small and limited choice of meetings. He knows many of the people who go-- and, he says, many of them are still using. They are there because of a court order. B says he doesn't want to see his former  "homies".  Okay, I can see his point.

The way I see it is-- my son isn't buying illegal drugs.  Methadone costs $350.00 at his clinic.  The counseling services aren't stellar, though.  B's counselor just left the area, and B doesn't like his new one.  The good thing is, this clinic has B on a very low dose of methadone... very low.  The goal is to begin tapering him off in two months.  It's what B says he wants.

The reality is-- I am concerned if this is really going to happen, as B plans. Will  my son be able to quit using methadone and not go back to using heroin?  God only knows. 

I do wish that my son would have a positive experience at an NA meeting.  I pray that he will find a sponsor so that my son will go into a true full sobriety status.  Ideally, I would hope to see my son find the skills and support to say "no" to someone tempting him to use-- or when life gets tough, that my son won't resort to getting high to take life's pains away.  

For now, I see that methadone has helped my son to function as an employee. He has worked for seven months, barely missing any work at all. This is huge!  

I am not rejoicing in my son's sobriety 100%.  I know that the methadone is what is keeping him from buying heroin.  For now, I continue to keep the communication open with my son.  I am happy that our relationship is calmer and closer.  I can see that my son is lonely for friendship, but he says he finally sees that having drug addicts as roommates doesn't work.

As for my marriage-- C and I are doing well.  We don't fight. C apologized for his anger, and I apologized for my reaction.  My son gives us privacy and respects our home, by staying in his room most of the time. I see my husband's heart growing more compassionate. This is God's work, I know it.

Sorry I wrote such a long post. I really do need to make time to post more often, and not so lengthy. There is so much I want to journal about. I really want to reach people who are looking for hope and for answers. I'm not an expert at all.  I'm just a mom who loves her Lord and Savior...who draws on her faith...and who has learned the power of forgiveness.  Because of these things, I have never given up hope on my son.

One day at a time...

Sleeping on it...

These are my son's eyelashes.  It's not fair that I haven't been able to find mascara-- at any price-- that would make my own lashes this big!  I took this photo of my son, yesterday, while he was napping on the couch.

Just a few quick comments, after reading many of yours:

• While it might seem that I could be "controlling" when I say my son needs to pay rent...and that I'd be upset if I see him buying electronic toys while he lives with us-- this is what I asked my son-- "B, is it fair that you stepdad and I are paying 2/3 of your methadone treatment and you go out and buy an X-Box?"  My son paused...and quietly said, "you're right".  We are allowing B to move back home to give him a hand UP... to help him get financially on his feet so that he can go out and rent a room somewhere.  He will have money to spend, but it won't be a lot. He has debt to take care of, and he wants that.
• To "Anonymous", who said that methadone was far worse than suboxone... I appreciate your candor.  However, if you read more of my blog, you would know that my son tried it and it didn't work. The level of opiates he used, and for the length of time didn't work.  Bottom line-- I have come to believe that there is no cookie cutter solution to help addicts stay in recover.  It is up to each individual.  I can only say that methadone is working for my son-- and I am fully aware that he could very well become dependent on methadone for the rest of his life. I hope not, but this is my son's own battle.
• I can't remember who suggested this, but it's a brilliant idea-- my son will pay rent money to his step dad That way, he can't manipulate mom.  My husband thought that was terrific!

For those of you who are just jumping on to my blog, my two year anniversary was on April 7th, when I first started to journal my journey as the mother of a Drug Addict.  The last two posts discuss my son's latest drama, and that he needs to come home. I am responding back to some comments (above).
So, here we are-- my son will move in on Tuesday.  I am very proud of how well my husband handled the talk with my son.  I didn't interrupt, and let my husband say what was on his mind.  B listened. I could see the tears welling in his eyes-- and they are the kind of tears that he couldn't stop. 

I can only hope and pray, that my son has learned how hard life is on it's own.  He's had roommates rip him off, he's been robbed. He's had a roommate commit suicide (one year ago).  He's been fired from a job, gotten another, been rehired and has been there for six months. He's gone without much food, no cable TV and he sorely could use some new work clothes. He's had dirty laundry, he couldn't afford to clean. He's very lonely and has no friends-- because he's distanced himself from the circle of friends he used with.

My attitude is that my son has a new beginning with us. I told him that it's up to him to prove to his step dad that he isn't using illegal drugs.  He's been given a thorough discussion on what the house rules are.  My husband said he'd give him one month and then "we'll see what happens".

It's up to my son, as to what happens next. 

As to why I published this photo of my son-- I never tire of watching him sleep. It's what moms do. I still see that sweet little boy, and I pray he has come home to mature and to start over with us.