Waiting.... processing... transcending

I apologize, deeply, that I have not responded to emails in the last few weeks.  This blog is very important to me.  The beginning chronicles my very personal story about coming to terms with the fact that my son is an addict.  Over the last four years, I have shared my very raw, honest and open feelings about being the mother of a drug addict.

Please know that I do read every single email that comes to me.  I try to answer back, as quickly as I can.  I've heard such sad stories from so many of you faceless people.  You say you are so relieved to know that you are not alone.  I feel the same.

Something has changed, recently, and I need to come to terms with it.  It's not a bad thing about my son-- who continues to do very well in his recovery.

One thing that has changed, a lot, is that my son is now reading my blog.  I knew, all along, that one day he would read it.  I hoped that by his reading my own personal feelings, that he would better understand what it was like for me-- the hurt, fear and pain. I'm okay with him reading it, but it does make me think twice about what I should or should not write.

I will continue to update this blog, because I truly hope to be a place where addicts-- and loved ones of addicts-- can read my story.  I'm not an expert, but I am a mother who can finally exhale.  My son is alive and well, employed, sober and our relationship has been healed.  I absolutely love my son with all of my heart.

So, what has happened?  Someone who knows us is also reading this blog.  Sadly, that person has their own pain (as I see it) and has been using what I've written to try and hurt my son.  I don't have all the details, and my son doesn't really want to talk about it.   The emotions I am feeling will take some time to sort out.   I have been very open in sharing my blog to people in my community-- only because both my son and I want to share our story, to HELP people who are going through this.

At this moment, I'm feeling like this person cannot have enough respect to just let us be.  Our story isn't to be mocked or used against us.

I won't let this person cause me to abandon my blog, nor am I angry with that person.  I actually feel sorry for them-- that they are so callous and behave like a "bully".  Sadly, this person is a grown adult, who cannot see that my son has worked so hard to overcome something that so many other have failed to do-- change their lives, their friends and find sobriety.   All those old friends, who dragged him down, are out of his life.  He has new friends, a job he likes and he's becoming a responsible young man.

I will write again, but I just have to process the new revelation.  If "you" are reading this blog, I hope that you will find enough respect to give us the privacy that we need.   What I have to say comes out of a caring heart, who wants to help someone.   Please don't come here, anymore, if your intentions are to be cruel.

'Nuff said.

That is why I haven't blogged in a while. I'll get over it, but I need time to process and to feel uninhibited about sharing some very personal thing about me, and my family-- like I've said-- to "help other".

Again, I have saved emails I've received in the last few weeks. I'm so sorry I haven't answered or responded online.  Please, do not think it's because I don't care.  I do.  That's why I write.

Looking Back in the Rear View Mirror as the Mother of a Drug Addict

April Fool's Day came and went-- and that day will always hold a bittersweet memory in my life. It was on April Fool's Day, 2008 that my son climbed into the backseat of our Jeep, before the sun came up. We were headed north, for a two-hour drive on California Highway 101, to a rehab center.

Four years ago, I was so naive about drug addiction.  I had all kinds of preconceived notions about drug addicts.  I tried to bubble wrap my son, the best that I could, as every good parent does.  I wanted my son to grow up as happy as possible (which was short-circuited by my divorce from his dad).  I had hopes and dreams that B would graduate from high school, and be the first member of our family tree, who would go on to college and graduate with a degree.

Raising my son, as a divorced mother, was one of the most difficult times of my life.  I had just started my own business.  I did not receive alimony nor child support.  Every day, I prayed to God that I would earn enough money to pay the rent for our home, and my business.

As my son grew into adolescence, I did all the things that a good mother should do. I wanted to know my son's friends and their families. My son had curfews and chores to help around the house. Though I dated ( a little) I never introduced my son to the men in my life.  I vowed that I would never bring a man into my bed, as I wanted to set a good Christian mom example for him (and I did keep that vow).

Middle School was a tough time for me.  B was beginning to show signs of rebellion. That sweet child was becoming bolder with his back-talk.  As I look back, I realize that my strict childhood would begin to haunt me.  Because I was a battered child, there were times that the overwhelming desire to slap my son was something I had to fight against.  I had also made a vow to my brother that we would never hurt out children the way we had been hurt.   Disciplining my son grew harder and harder. B tested me to the limits--

Unfortunately, as I look back, my son would move out of my house when things became too tense. He'd move in with his father, who B perceived to be easier to live with.  In some ways, I felt it was best for my son to be with his father-- only because I wanted his father to be that male influence in his life.

It was during this time that I feel I lost the ability to see the Darkness that was beginning to come into B's life.  B tells me that he started to smoke weed, and then eventually used cocaine, in middle school.  I had absolutely no idea.   It pains me, at times, when I see how I missed these important clues.

So, high school is when it all began.  The pills from a girl.  Oxycontin became the first step that spiraled into my son's addiction to heroin.  All the while, I had no idea. I knew that something wasn't right, but my son was living with his father-- most of the time.  I was so happy to have my son come back to my home, that I think I was living in denial.  A drug problem? Never entered my mind.

Four years later, my son is living with us again.  "Us" would be the wonderful man that I met eight years ago, and married in 2006.  Only, this time, my son is 23 years old.

I mentioned to B that the four-year anniversary of my blog was coming near.  His response was interesting.  "What's to celebrate"?  I looked puzzled, at first.  Then I realized that he isn't proud of what's happened over the last few years.  B stayed clean and sober for about six months, when he left his rehab.  Then, he relapsed.  That cycle was to continue off and on, until now.

As of now, B says he has not used drugs for about six weeks.   That seems so short a time, and yet it is something to be thankful for.  Addiction to opiates is not easy to get a grip on.   I knew that my son's odds were not in his favor.  He's tried suboxone, and then methadone.  I think they helped to curb his relapses, but didn't work 100% of the time.  B found ways to "chip".

I want to apologize for not writing, much, since my son's last interview.  I have received a few private emails, and I have not responded.  My job is very demanding, so I'm pretty well drained by the time I get home.  My son's job schedule has him passing mine, like two ships in the night.

I can tell you that I am so thankful for the positive changes I see in my son, today.  He has held his job for close to two years, now.  He seems very happy, where he works.  He is paying rent to us, faithfully. He pays for his car insurance.  Best of all, he has money in his pocket! Amen.

So, here goes another clue that totally went over my head.  Call it denial, call it what you will-- but my son hasn't asked me to help him with gas money, and he is never broke.  What a concept! Drugs robs an addict of every penny they make.  Now that B isn't using, he is becoming financially independent.  He is proud of the fact that he buys his own haircuts, etc.

I also know that suboxone isn't a forever kind of thing. The doctor wants to wean him down.  But, I cannot try to forecast any kind of "what if"?   I cannot predict the future.  I can only continue to pray for my son, and so many of you who have shared your story.

I'll try to grab B for another interview-- if our hours can coincide to do so.

Many of you want to know more about suboxone.  I have a link to Suboxone Talk Zone on the sidebar of my blog.  I find that Dr. Junig has helpful information to make an informed decision.

My pain goes to those of you who do NOT have insurance, nor the financial means, to help your loved get the rehab help that they need.  It is disgusting what rehabs charge.  My son's 30-day stint cost over $36,000.00.  That was four years ago. The ONLY reason we could do this is because we had insurance that covered 90% of the cost. The rest came out of my son's inheritance from his grandmother.

Suboxone is expensive.  I think it's about $400.00 a month, without insurance. Maybe more. Again, thanks to President Obama, my son has medical insurance through my husband.  For that reason, his suboxone is "free"; that doesn't include the monthly premiums.

I hope to find more time to blog more often.  It's so hard, because of my busy schedule.  My son reads this blog, and reads the comments.  I read them, too, and save them.

Thank you to those of you who send emails to me.   I only wish I could hug each of you, and comfort you. I do feel your pain. I've been there, and know that at any time-- my son could relapse.  So does B.

A Candid Interview in my Son's Own Words About Suboxone, Relapse and Sobriety

My son is sitting across from me, and I am going to type his own words.He just returned, home, from work and he handed me a cash receipt for gas that he put into his car. He says he wants to be accountable for where his money goes.  He has $5.00 left.  He says he is feeling better, and had a good day at work. Here is my son:

Mom: Can you briefly explain why you feel suboxone is going to help you with your sobriety?

Son: The main reason, #1, it fills that void...that craving. It stops the craving. It makes me function, just as I would on opiates or as you (mom) would.

#2. It's a "leash" with a blocker in it. It gives me a minimum 12-hour window to consider whether to use or  not.

Mom: So, what happened? Why do you think you relapsed?

Son: There are multiple reasons. First, plain boredom. I had lost my X-box. I hadn't worked in a while. I had too much time on my hands and I hadn't taken my sub for over 12 hours. Just being in a dark place, at the time, just added up.

Mom: Why hadn't you taken your sub?

Son: That was accidental. I just fell asleep and I normally take my sub before bed.

Mom: What happens if you don't take your sub?

Son: By that morning, it had been over 24 hours, so I was feeling withdrawals and cravings and knew that I could technically use.

Mom: Can you describe that deciding moment to use.

Son: Two Words. F**k it.

Mom:  What did you use?

Son: Oxy.

Mom: How did you feel?

Son: About the same. I had enough of the suboxone left in me, that it didn't really have much effect at all.

Mom: So, why not stop right then and there?

Son: I guess since I had already messed up, I wanted to get loaded one more time and then stop.

Mom: How long did you use?

Son: A good month, off and on. I kept trying to get back on to suboxone, but could not wait the 36 hours induction period. I kept getting precipitated withdrawals and would immediately run for an opiate to counter-act it.

Mom: What are precipitated withdrawals?

Son: It's when you still have an opiate agonist in your system... I guess that's what you call it. And, the active drug in suboxone basically boots out and empties out all the opiate receptors, which puts you into maximum withdrawal, times 10. Absolute hell.  You won't die from it, but you wish you had.

Mom: What did it feel like when you took a sub too early?

Son:  Imagine ice water being poured over your head...your entire body...frozen. All the hairs on your arms, legs, neck standing on end. Your muscles in your legs and arms start....just.... like creepy crawly...like you have bugs under your skin. You cannot sit still. You vomit, uncontrollably. Shivering, shaking, panic. The panic is the worst part, by far. Knowing you can't do a damn thing about it. Then you (mom) would come home, and I'd have to put on a facade that everything was okay, or go to work.

Mom:   So, what was the turning point to come clean again?

Son: I was burning through my cash, with no explanation. My lies were getting...just, I couldn't keep track of the lies. I could see it in your (mom) eyes. I was really getting dark. My mood was getting very dark, every day. And... you confronted me. And, I saw my chance.

Mom:  How are you feeling right now?

Son: Optimistic. Hopeful. Ashamed. Scared. But, I feel normal again.

Mom:  What did you learn from this?

Son: I learned that I got no enjoyment from using, like I thought I would. I romanticized it so much, thinking it would ...you know.... help me work better, give me confidence like it used to when I was younger...but, the truth is, it did nothing. Subs are the way to go. I wish I had never done them (oxy). They say you learn from your relapses, and I've had a few, but this one was profound for me....how much work it was to be in that lifestyle. It took everything from me, in a manner of weeks. Money, friends, trust and for what?

I used to function. I lived to use and used to live. Subs negate the living to use and using to live, and instead give me back a normal functioning life.

Mom:  How long do you plan to use suboxone?

Son:  Honestly, I'll stay on suboxone as long as I need to. There is no downside to long-term. Like Dr. Junig says, if it ain't broke, why fix it?  If these work, then why not?  You know...

Mom:  What do you say to people who believe you should just quit everything, tough it out and go completely clean and sober without suboxone, methadone...or any kind of medication?

Son: I'd say hold your breath and see how long before you have to inhale and that panic sensation kicks in, fight or flight.  That's what it feels like when that craving is gnawing at your brain.  That's what I feel every day-- and if all it takes is a suboxone to stop that, why wouldn't you? It's either that or risking jails, institution and death everyday.  Or, how about a diabetic? Could a diabetic keep the sugars down without insulin? Could they just do it with diet and exercise? Back in the day, that's how they did it. Now there's insulin which takes away all that hardship. The point is, is it wrong for the diabetic to take the insulin because it's the easy way out? There's no side effects, is there? Suboxone is the same thing-- it's insulin for opiate addicts. Why wouldn't I take my medicine?

I guess if you've never been there, you just don't know-- especially opiate addiction. It's a 24/7 nagging at your mind...consciousness and for me subs turn that off and give me a chance at a normal life.
(Mom's note: My son has Type 1 Diabetes and is insulin dependent. What an ironic analogy)

Mom:  Those are the only questions I can think of, for now.  Is there anything else you want to say to this reader audience? Or to me?

Son:  I'm sorry for all the lies. All the Bull Sh**. But... I hope I can learn from this and do it right. Thank you for all the support you give my mom. I know how much you all mean to her, and for helping her through this and in turn helping me.

Mom: Thanks, son.

Mom: I just thought of one more question.  What advice would you give a parent who is going through this, at the beginning of this horrific journey?

Son: It depends on the addict, obviously, if it's a long-term addict... I think suboxone is the answer. To do an induction at a doctor's office. To at least give them a shot at it. I think that everybody deserves a chance. I know I've had more than one.

Mom:  I just thought of something else? Why didn't methadone work?

Son:  Because you can still use on methadone, and most people do. The problem with methadone is...it's a drug that allows you to continue using, care-free. In the end, it's near impossible to kick. Harder than the drug you were trying to get clean from in the first place. I met more drug connections at my methadone clinic, than I did anywhere else.

Mom:  What do you say to those who believe that NA (12-steps)  is the answer to sobriety?

Son: I say that I met my best drug connect, ever, an NA meeting during my first stint at sobriety. It can work for some. Most, even. But, it's not a one size fits all program.

Mom:  Would you ever try NA again?

Son: Probably not. Honesty has always been a huge struggle of mine. I need to learn to be honest with myself, before being honest with another-- sponsor and such. NA is the program that demands brutal honesty.

Mom: What's wrong with brutal honesty?

Son: I've been an addict since I was 11 years old. Lying, manipulating...something I was good at. I did it for half my life and it's something that's not easy to break.

Mom:  How can you learn to be honest?

Son: With practice, I guess. They say "one day at at time". I gotta realize that you aren't my enemy.

Mom: Anything else?

Son: I want to thank Dr. Junig and Subox Forum for their support, without which I would not be here right now. Clean and sober. Again.

Thank you, son, for your candid answers.  I hope that this interview will touch people's hearts, and educate them from an opiate addict's point-of-view.  Your comments/feed back are appreciated, and my son will read them.

Coming up next, articles from Dr. Junig, of Suboxone Talk.   

Codependency Cycle

Now that my son has come clean with his relapse, I have heard the whole ugly story.  I have learned to sit and listen to my son talk, and have learned to swallow my horror, pain and hurt while doing so. To most people, I appear to be okay.  I'm not. I'm devastated.

To all you moms of drug addicts-- you understand the tendency to want to rescue our addicts.  It is so deeply ingrained in us, that everything we have learned from "Mothers of Drug Addicts School" flies out the window.

I'm trying to write blog posts are that aren't so long.  So I have to skip through most of the details. When my son confessed to me, how he slipped back into using oxycontin, the emotions that went through me were so complex-- hurt, anger, disappointment.  Then I got hit with feelings of relief, that it's out in the open.  Anger, frustration and disappointment came at me, as well.   Then, the need to rescue my son becomes so overpowering.

Now, I know that I can't fix my son's problems.  I know all about letting him suffer the consequences.

But, what do you do when you see your son's terror of withdrawals?  This is, I believe, what holds my son back from working on his own sobriety without any kind of drug-- be it methadone, subutex, suboxone or legal marijuana.  My son is so afraid of withdrawals, that he works himself up into a total state of panic.  I react, by taking on the panic myself.  My sirens go off, and I want to help.

B was terror-stricken that he had 24 more hours to go, before he could resume taking his suboxone.  Apparently, this is crucial, or he could go into full-blown withdrawal.  His decision was to hole up in his bedroom, take some Valium (and that disappoints me), sleep through it all until it was time to take his suboxone.  He was determined to sell his iPhone to get his X-Box out of hock, so he could play video games to distract him.

I reminded him that he couldn't do that, as his step-dad made it clear that if he brought home his video games before paying rent he owes (from two weeks ago) that he'd be upset.

So then my son tells me he can  buy a used (old model) Playstation for $29.00 and return it within 7 days for a full refund.

What did I do?  I went to the store, where his friend works, and found out it's true.  So I "rented" the old game console, bought a used game for $5.00 and told myself it would help my son get through detox in his room.  B's friend, who works there, said he'd refund the money paid to my credit card so I considered it a "rental".  The plan was to tell my husband when he got home, that night. 

My husband went through the roof, today, when he found the console in B's room.  C doesn't yell, but he was very upset. That makes me feel terrible.  What backfired on me, is that I told B he needs to come clean with C and tell him all that's been going on.  This morning, B was all set to tell his step-dad the truth-- and I was going to tell him about the game console, that we'd be turning tomorrow for a full refund.  Only, C saw it in B's room and it hit the fan with me. Honestly, I wasn't hiding this from my husband, as I knew he'd see the charge on the credit card.

In retrospect, why didn't I call my husband to ask him for his blessing?  Two reasons-- I didn't want to have this discussion over the phone, while he was at work.  I wanted B to tell him the truth. Secondly, I didn't want his blessing. I just wanted to do it.  I admit that.

Is this enabling?  Yes, it is. I'm guilty.  Coincidentally, someone just left a comment on this post , where I list the signs of codependency.  Here's a portion of that list. I have highlighted, in bold red, what I think I did wrong:

Enabling

Enabling is defined as reacting to a person in such a way as to shield him or her from experiencing the full impact of the harmful consequences of behavior. Enabling behavior differs from helping in that it permits or allows the person to be irresponsible.

• PROTECTION from natural consequences of behavior.

• KEEPING SECRETS about behavior from others in order to keep peace.

• MAKING EXCUSES for the behavior. (School, friends, legal authorities, work, other family members)

• BAILING OUT of trouble. (Debts, fixing tickets, paying lawyers, providing jobs)

• BLAMING OTHERS for the dependent person's behavior. (Friends, teachers, employers, family, SELF)

• SEEING THE PROBLEM AS THE RESULT OF SOMETHING ELSE. (Shyness, adolescence, loneliness, child, broken home)

• AVOIDING the chemically dependent person in order to keep the peace. (out-of-sight, out-of-mind)

• GIVING MONEY THAT IS UNDESERVED/UNEARNED.

• ATTEMPTING TO CONTROL. (Planning activities, choosing friends, getting jobs)

• MAKING THREATS that have no follow-through or consistency.

• TAKING CARE of the chemically dependent person. Doing what they should be expected to do for themselves.

My husband is very upset with me, and I feel terrible about it.  At the time that I made this decision, I had rationalized it as "not costing anything" and as a way to help my son get through a crucial period to get back on track with his suboxone.  I had every intention of telling my husband, but he came home feeling worn out and like he was fighting the symptoms of becoming ill. The next day, he wasn't feeling well, and I had to leave the house for an extended period of time.  This morning, B has returned back to work and he isn't here...  so things didn't go as I had planned.

I made the wrong choice, and now I have to deal with my husband being upset with me.  This is so hard, because C can make all logical decisions. It's easy for him to see things in black and white.  As B's mom, the grey areas take over.  I don't want to enable my son, and in many ways I don't.

I blew it.  I know this will blow over, but I need to remind myself about enabling.  I'm so quick to see it with other parents, because I work at a high school. I shake my head at parents who bring their high school kids forgotten lunches and homework.  I need to get a big mirror and take a look at myself.

To me, this is the hardest part of being a parent of a drug addict.  It breaks our female/mother's hearts to see our child suffer.  The instinct to rescue is so strong.

I'm going back to make my best effort to return to Nar-Anon meetings.  I'm kicking myself enough as it is, but I need to admit I was wrong to my husband-- as soon as my defense mechanisms go away.  I just need for him to calm down.

I hate being in trouble. But then, who doesn't?

--------------------------------------UPDATE ON MY SON-------------------

B says that he made it, and took his suboxone with the recommended 36 hour waiting period.  He says he feels better, and is ready to go back to work.  B says the reason he avoided doing the interview on this blog is because he wasn't clean-- and he was too ashamed to admit it to me.  He will be ready to do so very soon, and I think it's high time (no pun intended).  I'm hoping that sharing the truth about what led to his relapse might help others. We shall see.


PS: I said I'd write shorter posts, but today's is a FAIL in that department. I type 90WPM and I just can't help myself. Sorry.

Rough Roads for my Addict and His Mom

I was re-reading my post from yesterday.  It's wordy, yes I know. I can see that I was trying to process the revelation that after six months of sobriety, that my son has relapsed.

I am often told that I'm a strong woman, who is handling this so well.  Please don't be fooled into believing  it. 

Today, I am very sad.   I fear for my son.  How I wish I had the financial resources to send my son off to a rehab facility for a very long time-- up to a year.

The source of my strength is not my own. I find strength in my Christian faith. For today, I am drawing deeper into my faith for God's wisdom, Grace and comfort.  

Psalm 28:6-7

New International Version (NIV)

 ⁶ Praise be to the LORD,
   for he has heard my cry for mercy.
⁷ The LORD is my strength and my shield;
   my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
   and with my song I praise him.