Things that surface now and then

How is my son doing? That's such a complicated answer. I don't think he's using, so that's a victory. Maybe I should ask, how am I doing?

It depends on what time it is. Being the mother of an addict AND being the daughter of an organized German mom is a struggle for me. Eventhough my mom has passed away, I see myself becoming more and more like her. I know that both of my brothers read this blog, so don't snort at this! Depending on whom you talk to, my mother could be an overbearing and willful type of
mom--the kind got her own copy on the "Mothers Guide to using Guilt to get Your Way With Your Kids". That's the side of my mother that I have battled to NOT inherit. On the other hand, I see myself become very organized. It's almost scary-- I write everything down, to the point that it's in my Palm Pilot. At the age of 53, I've actually become a pretty responsible person! I pay my bills on time, live within my financial means (Suze Orman would be so proud of me) and I am punctual.

The point of this diatribe is that the way that my son lives his life frustrates me, to no end. I am reminded, every day that I go to work at my high school, that my son is a typical teenager. Never mind that he's twenty years old-- B admits that his years of drug use has stunted his maturity. Most counselors tell me that this is uncommon.

I have to remind myself that I need to be patient with B. I need to realize that I cannot expect my son to be a responsible adult. This is where I struggle. I try, so hard, not to become annoyed when B forgets to do something really important...or when he procrastinates taking care of things like registering for college, and various other things he promises to do. Still, I see that B puts his social life way before focusing on his recovery, looking for a job and getting his student loans handled.

I've been told that I need to keep my expectations of what B can handle to be at a more realistic level. He is so young into recovery. He is so fragile, and I cannot forget that.

I think that there are times when he resents my keen eye. I can't help myself from asking, "did you call so-and-so"? When is the payment on your traffic ticket due? Did you call your doctor for an appointment? Are you testing your blood sugars (and I know that he isn't). I just can't help myself, as hard as I try.

We aren't fighting, so that's a good thing. So far, I am able to admit to my son how I feel. Likewise, B tells me how he feels, and I listen. Like yesterday-- he was gone all day long, and I found his clothes still in the laundry area-- unfolded and in my way. That may seem like a small thing-- but, to me, I am wondering why he can't take care of his responsibilities, first, and then go and hang out with his friends! So, I told B why I felt frustrated and he listened. That's a victory, because the two of us can lock horns. We are both very stubborn people, as was my mom.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

There are days when I wonder if he is using. I can't put my finger on it, precisely. I wonder, if he's broke, how is he putting gas in his car? If he's broke, why is he driving around with his friends? I heard him throwing up in the wee hours of the morning. That put terror into my heart. B would throw up when he was using. B says he's just stressed out.

And that's a whole different blog-- how I long for my son to really focus on his Higher Power of the 12-step program. I don't see my son spending any time with the Lord. I can tell, because he is back to fretting and worrying. He says he's working about not having a job and not having money. I have reassured him that, right now, what matters most to us is that he goes to school.

How do you convince someone that having money isn't what will give us joy?

I'm going to stop writing any more, for today.

I know that I need to spend more time with God. I have managed to allow my job, and personal life to become so busy that I am not spending quiet time in the Word. I need to focus on my Higher Power, my God, Yahweh.

I need to blog more often. Just because my son is in recovery, doesn't mean that he isn't an addict. He will always be one, for the rest of his life. I've heard too many stories, recently, about addicts who have relapsed after years of being sober.

No pun intended, but that's a very sobering thought.

One day at a time.