Saying Goodbye to 2011 --- and what I learned, this year

To those of you who leave comments and write private emails to me-- thank you.  It seems that I only write an average of one post a month, but that doesn't mean I'm not reading comments.  I try to respond to you, if you have an email.  My son has been telling me that I should leave feedback, on the post.  I've thought about it, but I'm not sure if someone-- especially an "anonymous" checks back.

Do you?

My blog has taken on a whole new direction, and I feel as though it's a good fit for me.  The direction my blog appears to be headed is that I am speaking to the hearts of parents/loved ones who are very new to this world of addiction. 

Over the last few weeks, I've received private emails from parents just like me.  They have poured out their hearts, and shared stories that leave me feeling that I can relate to their sorrow and pain.  If they have an email, I write back.  Sometimes, they don't.

As for my son, he's still on suboxone, and I pretty much leave him alone to deal with it. He's got is own forums he goes to, and I don't read his posts. Overall, he says that he is feeling great.  But, there are some mornings, when I can tell that he isn't.  Sometimes he's lethargic. He admits that he gets cravings, every so often.  What I do see is that he has an appetite, and that's a good thing.  (We're trying to coordinate a time when he will sit down, so I can interview him.  During the holidays, he's working six days a week at the restaurant.  B wants to share his thoughts with my readers, so it will happen.)

I am very thankful that my son is no longer going to the methadone clinic.  This is $350.00 a month that his father doesn't have to pay-- since he can't afford it.  B is no longer a slave to having to wake up by a certain time, to get his daily dose.  My observation is that B looks better on suboxone than he did on methadone.  If B missed a dose of his methadone, I would see him fly into a full-blown panic.  He'd buy it on the street, or ... well, I really don't want to think of what he bought to get through.

2011 was a year where I learned to detach. That's why I don't blog as often as I once did.  For me, I found myself feeding off sharing my personal drama.  I admit, that I began to need the sympathy and support from my readers a little too much.  That's not to say that I didn't appreciate it. I just realized that I was rehearsing my anger, fear, pain, frustration and heartbreak.  I began to learn to give all of it to God, first.   As I began to detach from feeding into my son's drama, I began to allow more joy to come in to my heart.

Throughout my son's story of his addiction-- which isn't over-- I learned that life had to go on.  I could choose to drown in my own self-pity, or I could look ahead, and to trust that God would give me the strength and courage that I needed.

I had to disengage from letting my son's drama affect my own marriage  I had to learn to understand that my husband needed to be recognized for his value and contribution through all of this. 

Whenever I felt afraid or anger, towards B, I began to pray more fervently. 

I could feel the change within me.  I began to feel a sense of peace-- and I realized that I had finally crossed over into Acceptance.

I have finally accepted that my son is a drug addict. He always will be.    I have accepted that there is nothing I can do to control his addiction. I have accepted my son for who he is-- right now, at this moment, on this day. 

Most importantly, I know that I love him for who he is. Despite his struggles with honesty, I can see that he is really trying. I cannot truly know what it's like to be in his skin.  I can only feel empathy for that beast that is within him, that wants to take over his struggle for sobriety.

Life isn't easy.  Even for me, despite my feelings of being in a good place, I have my moments when life throws me a curve ball.  For addicts, it saddens me how they cannot find a way of coping with those curve balls, and that's when the need to use overtakes them.

Whenever I read an email, from a parent who is just beginning the journey of having an addict in the family-- I pray that you will find that ability to detach from the drama that addiction brings in to your life.  You do need a support system-- be in Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, Celebrate Recovery or the blogs on my side bar.  The support that you need is from parents who have gone through this.  Friends and family, who are not living this nightmare, cannot offer the kind of support that you need.  They cannot understand the three C's-- You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You cannot cure it.  They mean well, but they will most likely make you doubt your ability as a parent.  Unless you did drugs with your kids, you can't be blamed.

I pray that 2012 will be a fresh beginning for each of you.  I don't make New Year's Resolutions.  Instead, I look at the New Year as a time to start over-- to make new memories. 

Thank you for your support and friendship.