B called me right before my lunch break. He sounded depressed and said that he was not feeling well. He was out of subutex and said he was "feigning" to use heroin. For the first time, I began to feel panic. That's what addiction does to those who love the addict-- it tears us to pieces. B said that there still wasn't a bed available for him.
I took my lunch break a few minutes early, and I called his treatment center. On the first ring, the man I knew answered the phone. A bed had just become available! He said he'd call me within an hour if they could take B in for detox. The call came, and he was "in".
I got a call at 4:15pm that his friend had dropped B off at the treatment center. What a relief! I was told he'll be there for 5-7 days. The goal is to get B's poison out of his system and to wean him off subutex, completely.
I am very proud that B made the decision to go in, and that he checked himself in. I told him that I was not going to visit him, on Sunday, unless he wanted me to. He responded that he didn't think that would be necessary. I also told him I was not going to call him. If he wanted to talk to me, he knew how to get hold of me.
The rest of the day, I could only thank Jesus over and over again. I still marvel at God's grace and mercy on me, and on B. I am so thankful that he is getting the help that he needs. He'll be immersed into the 12-steps again, going to group and individual counseling.
I pray that, this time, B will have his system cleaned out and that he will serious and that he will take the fragile state of his sobriety with a lot more care.
One day at a time...
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The Waiting Game...
I don't have anything HUGE to report. B called his treatment center and there are no beds available. So, he is waiting for an opening. There aren't many other options here, at home. Once place offers outpatient treatment only. He could check himself into a hospital for detox-- fortunately B isn't nearly in as bad of shape as he was six months ago. So, it is possible they would not admit him.
So, the waiting game begins. Hopefully, a bed will become available for my son.
Until then, I am guess that he's buying Subutex from his friends, to keep him from going into withdrawals.
I can feel my back & shoulder muscles tightening up into "stress knots". I am trying not to worry, because it's futile. It is what it is, and the best course of action is for me to pray that God will show B the way.
B is leaving at his father's house. It's better this way. No matter what, I cannot stand seeing my son laying around and doing nothing. It goes against everything that my mother taught me. Nor, can I afford to be nickel and dimed to death.
While I want to believe my son, I have an instinct that he hasn't quite told me all of the truth. That's what addicts to best. They lie. They are highly convincing, but they lie. It's just part of the whole addiction process.
I do know this-- my son loves me, and I'm secure in that. He knows that I'm not stupid, though. So, that's why he hasn't ask to live with me.
So, I wait.
So, the waiting game begins. Hopefully, a bed will become available for my son.
Until then, I am guess that he's buying Subutex from his friends, to keep him from going into withdrawals.
I can feel my back & shoulder muscles tightening up into "stress knots". I am trying not to worry, because it's futile. It is what it is, and the best course of action is for me to pray that God will show B the way.
B is leaving at his father's house. It's better this way. No matter what, I cannot stand seeing my son laying around and doing nothing. It goes against everything that my mother taught me. Nor, can I afford to be nickel and dimed to death.
While I want to believe my son, I have an instinct that he hasn't quite told me all of the truth. That's what addicts to best. They lie. They are highly convincing, but they lie. It's just part of the whole addiction process.
I do know this-- my son loves me, and I'm secure in that. He knows that I'm not stupid, though. So, that's why he hasn't ask to live with me.
So, I wait.
Monday, October 20, 2008
A son's confessions to his mom
B showed up, with his father, at my house around 8:00pm. I could see that B’s eyes had resumed that hooded look. It’s like his addiction had sucked the sparkle right out of my son’s life again.
B asked me to go outside, while he lit up a cigarette. It was déjà vu to last April, where he started to cry. I knew, with a maternal instinct, that this was not an act. He is deeply remorseful and ashamed. This is what he told me:
He said that his father left for Oregon the same time I left for Hawaii. B’s car is still in the shop, so he has no transportation. Boredom set in—and he reminded me that this is a very vulnerable position for addicts to be in. He says that he was invited to go to a party (…said the serpent) and he ran into someone from his drug past. This person offered B some “black” (heroin) to smoke. B says that he didn’t feel much and then went home. He says that the next day he called this “Messenger of Satan” who was happy to come over and “front” more drugs to B. The two of them smoked three times that day and then the following. So, B says that for three days he smoked heroin and that the high was back just like before.
This is exactly what B’s treatment center educated my husband and me about. We were told that should B relapse, that his brain would immediately pick up where he left off. So, B realized he had messed up and he bought some subutex from a friend.
As a mom, all of this felt a bit surreal. I can honestly say that I am not emotionally devastated. I guess that B’s treatment center prepared me for the inevitable—I knew that B only had a 3% odds of staying sober. My feelings weren’t of anger—as a mom, my only thoughts are to get B in for help as soon as humanly possible.
B wanted to wait until this Friday to go in for detox. It didn’t take much for him to agree with my plea for him to go first thing today (Monday). He agreed to do so, and then he broke down into more sobs. I can tell you, that the guttural sobs from someone who is going through withdrawal is enough to tear your heart out. My husband—who is THE most wonderful and compassionate person—came outside. B looked at him, and told him he was ashamed and sorry. My husband was 110% compassionate and supportive.
B and I talked about options. I won’t write anything, further, because I need to trust that God has prepared the way for him to go. As soon as I know, I will update my blog.
I do know this—my son admits that he was not working the program. He admitted that he thought he could so this on his own. The 12-Step program works, if you work it. You need a sponsor. He’s seen other friends clean up their lives without working the 12-Steps…however, each addict has their own story. My son is addicted to opiates. He says that oxy-contin is no longer his drug of choice. It’s heroin. It’s cheaper, and easier to get.
Be afraid, parents. Be very afraid.
Heavenly Father—your power and your glory is far greater than Satan. I pray that you have my son in your precious hands. Please, fill my son with your presence so that he breaks free of the Dark One’s lies. He is deceptive. He is evil. He wants my son. Only you, Abba Father, can make the devil flee.
B asked me to go outside, while he lit up a cigarette. It was déjà vu to last April, where he started to cry. I knew, with a maternal instinct, that this was not an act. He is deeply remorseful and ashamed. This is what he told me:
He said that his father left for Oregon the same time I left for Hawaii. B’s car is still in the shop, so he has no transportation. Boredom set in—and he reminded me that this is a very vulnerable position for addicts to be in. He says that he was invited to go to a party (…said the serpent) and he ran into someone from his drug past. This person offered B some “black” (heroin) to smoke. B says that he didn’t feel much and then went home. He says that the next day he called this “Messenger of Satan” who was happy to come over and “front” more drugs to B. The two of them smoked three times that day and then the following. So, B says that for three days he smoked heroin and that the high was back just like before.
This is exactly what B’s treatment center educated my husband and me about. We were told that should B relapse, that his brain would immediately pick up where he left off. So, B realized he had messed up and he bought some subutex from a friend.
As a mom, all of this felt a bit surreal. I can honestly say that I am not emotionally devastated. I guess that B’s treatment center prepared me for the inevitable—I knew that B only had a 3% odds of staying sober. My feelings weren’t of anger—as a mom, my only thoughts are to get B in for help as soon as humanly possible.
B wanted to wait until this Friday to go in for detox. It didn’t take much for him to agree with my plea for him to go first thing today (Monday). He agreed to do so, and then he broke down into more sobs. I can tell you, that the guttural sobs from someone who is going through withdrawal is enough to tear your heart out. My husband—who is THE most wonderful and compassionate person—came outside. B looked at him, and told him he was ashamed and sorry. My husband was 110% compassionate and supportive.
B and I talked about options. I won’t write anything, further, because I need to trust that God has prepared the way for him to go. As soon as I know, I will update my blog.
I do know this—my son admits that he was not working the program. He admitted that he thought he could so this on his own. The 12-Step program works, if you work it. You need a sponsor. He’s seen other friends clean up their lives without working the 12-Steps…however, each addict has their own story. My son is addicted to opiates. He says that oxy-contin is no longer his drug of choice. It’s heroin. It’s cheaper, and easier to get.
Be afraid, parents. Be very afraid.
Heavenly Father—your power and your glory is far greater than Satan. I pray that you have my son in your precious hands. Please, fill my son with your presence so that he breaks free of the Dark One’s lies. He is deceptive. He is evil. He wants my son. Only you, Abba Father, can make the devil flee.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Just when you think it's over... it isn't.
Drug addiction is a demon that doesn't want to let go. I knew that, but I had hoped that my son had been set free. I see that now, because I hardly blogged for the last two months. My son seemed to be his old self, and nothing could convince me that he was using again. So, I thought my life had gone back to normal...
As of this morning, B still has not told me that he's been "chipping". It was his father who told me, and asked me to not say anything. He wanted B to be the one to tell me. I called my son, yesterday, and I told him that I was available to meet and talk. B sounded evasive-- and that's when my fears were reignited. Evasiveness is a part of addiction. He was off to "hang out" with some friends-- and that's another pattern of my son's addiction. As a mom, all I could wonder to myself was "who are these friends?" Now that my son is almost 20 years old, he is living his own life. I can only pray that these "friends" are not drug users themselves...
Here is what I was told about B's present situation, by his father:
B told his dad that a couple of months ago he was at a party (not a smart place for a drug addict, fresh in recovery, to be at). He said that he was "offered" some heroin to smoke, and he wanted to see what would happen. My visual is that Satan offered my son something that looked too tempting for my son to resist-- and my son took the bait, again.
Evidently, that explains my son's visits back to Salinas about once a week. He'd return to buy more of that trash and smoke it in his new hometown. "Chipping" is a term that I've become familiar with from former drug addicts. It's when an addict uses their "drug of choice" and supplements not being able to get it by taking the drug "subutex". So, I would venture to guess that my son did not appear to be "using", because his addiction to opiates isn't full-blown.
"How am I doing", I'm being asked by my loved ones. My first thoughts, when B's father told me this, was a sense of physical shock. Truthfully, I knew that my son's odds of relapsing were higher than I'd like. From what I've read, B had a 3% chance of a successful recovery. I was deeply concerned that B was not working the program-- he had "fired" his sponsor, citing that he felt that his sponsor wasn't easy to talk to. In retrospect, I think that B's sponsor was calling my son on not working the program, and B did what he does best when he feels pressure-- he bails out. I did not think it was a good idea for B to return to his home roots, knowing how easy it would be for him to reconnect with the network of drug addicts he knew.
My worst fears have come true. So, what now?
I continue to praise God's grace and mercy on my son. For what it's worth, I am thankful that B has not been arrested, nor ended up in an emergency room-- or worse, in a morgue. It's a bittersweet set of blessings, but it's all that I have to hang on to.
I am thankful that my son admitted his problem to his father. What prompted his confessions is still unknown to me, at this time.
B has health insurance, and he needs to make the phone call himself. He needs to own up to his addiction, and to check himself in. I will tap into his trust account-- that is rapidly dwindling down to nothing-- for him to transition from the detox center into a Sober Living Environment. My regret is that I was willing to believe my son's promises that he could handle his sobriety without a Sober Living Environment. It breaks my heart to think of my mother's hard earned money being wasted on roommates that did not work out for my son. So, this time, I will not help B to live anywhere else but in an "SLE". He cannot live with me, either.
But, it's done and I can't dwell on that. As his mom, I continue to pray for him with fervor. I love him, and that's obvious to those who know what my son means to me. I am deeply disappointed that addiction has come into my family, and that the goals and dreams I had for my son have been stolen.
B has not called me since late yesterday morning. He promised to do that, but never did. That's another side-effect of addiction-- B becomes very flaky. I have decided that I need to let my son make the first move to ask for my help. He has my support and love, without needing to ask for it.
Once again, I am left feeling betrayed by B's addictioin. Obviously, my son has been lying to me and I believed him 110%. That's what the demon of addiction does-- Satan is the master of lies and deceit.
I have company staying with us for several more days. I had planned an Oktoberfest party for today-- a tradition in my family, to celebrate my mom's life. B's "Oma" passed away in October 2003 and she was very proud of her Bavarian heritage. I've lost my festive mood, though, so I've downscaled the party to be a small dinner. My heart isn't into celebrating much, today.
I'm okay, for the most part. My strength comes from my faith and trust in the Lord. I know that the power of Christ is far greater than Satan's. So, I hold on to trusting that God will use this evil for good. I pray that my son's relapse will remind B that he needs to take his addiction very seriously-- and that he needs to work the program. He needs to find a sponsor and he needs to attend meetings on a regular basis.
He also needs to know that trying heroin to see what happens is probably what Eve did when she bit into the apple in the Garden of Eden. For the rest of his life, he cannot "try" any kind of drug. Period. Otherwise he will spiral into his addiction-- potentially losing his life to it.
Thank you, Lord, for the strength and blessings you have given us through this ordeal.
As of this morning, B still has not told me that he's been "chipping". It was his father who told me, and asked me to not say anything. He wanted B to be the one to tell me. I called my son, yesterday, and I told him that I was available to meet and talk. B sounded evasive-- and that's when my fears were reignited. Evasiveness is a part of addiction. He was off to "hang out" with some friends-- and that's another pattern of my son's addiction. As a mom, all I could wonder to myself was "who are these friends?" Now that my son is almost 20 years old, he is living his own life. I can only pray that these "friends" are not drug users themselves...
Here is what I was told about B's present situation, by his father:
B told his dad that a couple of months ago he was at a party (not a smart place for a drug addict, fresh in recovery, to be at). He said that he was "offered" some heroin to smoke, and he wanted to see what would happen. My visual is that Satan offered my son something that looked too tempting for my son to resist-- and my son took the bait, again.
Evidently, that explains my son's visits back to Salinas about once a week. He'd return to buy more of that trash and smoke it in his new hometown. "Chipping" is a term that I've become familiar with from former drug addicts. It's when an addict uses their "drug of choice" and supplements not being able to get it by taking the drug "subutex". So, I would venture to guess that my son did not appear to be "using", because his addiction to opiates isn't full-blown.
"How am I doing", I'm being asked by my loved ones. My first thoughts, when B's father told me this, was a sense of physical shock. Truthfully, I knew that my son's odds of relapsing were higher than I'd like. From what I've read, B had a 3% chance of a successful recovery. I was deeply concerned that B was not working the program-- he had "fired" his sponsor, citing that he felt that his sponsor wasn't easy to talk to. In retrospect, I think that B's sponsor was calling my son on not working the program, and B did what he does best when he feels pressure-- he bails out. I did not think it was a good idea for B to return to his home roots, knowing how easy it would be for him to reconnect with the network of drug addicts he knew.
My worst fears have come true. So, what now?
I continue to praise God's grace and mercy on my son. For what it's worth, I am thankful that B has not been arrested, nor ended up in an emergency room-- or worse, in a morgue. It's a bittersweet set of blessings, but it's all that I have to hang on to.
I am thankful that my son admitted his problem to his father. What prompted his confessions is still unknown to me, at this time.
B has health insurance, and he needs to make the phone call himself. He needs to own up to his addiction, and to check himself in. I will tap into his trust account-- that is rapidly dwindling down to nothing-- for him to transition from the detox center into a Sober Living Environment. My regret is that I was willing to believe my son's promises that he could handle his sobriety without a Sober Living Environment. It breaks my heart to think of my mother's hard earned money being wasted on roommates that did not work out for my son. So, this time, I will not help B to live anywhere else but in an "SLE". He cannot live with me, either.
But, it's done and I can't dwell on that. As his mom, I continue to pray for him with fervor. I love him, and that's obvious to those who know what my son means to me. I am deeply disappointed that addiction has come into my family, and that the goals and dreams I had for my son have been stolen.
B has not called me since late yesterday morning. He promised to do that, but never did. That's another side-effect of addiction-- B becomes very flaky. I have decided that I need to let my son make the first move to ask for my help. He has my support and love, without needing to ask for it.
Once again, I am left feeling betrayed by B's addictioin. Obviously, my son has been lying to me and I believed him 110%. That's what the demon of addiction does-- Satan is the master of lies and deceit.
I have company staying with us for several more days. I had planned an Oktoberfest party for today-- a tradition in my family, to celebrate my mom's life. B's "Oma" passed away in October 2003 and she was very proud of her Bavarian heritage. I've lost my festive mood, though, so I've downscaled the party to be a small dinner. My heart isn't into celebrating much, today.
I'm okay, for the most part. My strength comes from my faith and trust in the Lord. I know that the power of Christ is far greater than Satan's. So, I hold on to trusting that God will use this evil for good. I pray that my son's relapse will remind B that he needs to take his addiction very seriously-- and that he needs to work the program. He needs to find a sponsor and he needs to attend meetings on a regular basis.
He also needs to know that trying heroin to see what happens is probably what Eve did when she bit into the apple in the Garden of Eden. For the rest of his life, he cannot "try" any kind of drug. Period. Otherwise he will spiral into his addiction-- potentially losing his life to it.
Thank you, Lord, for the strength and blessings you have given us through this ordeal.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Here we go...again
I just returned from a week's vacation in Kauai, with my husband. A few days ago, I had a nightmare... my son had snuck into my house and was sleeping in the bathtub. I looked at him, and asked if he was using drugs again. "Yes" he said, laughing hysterically.
I just found out that my son is smoking heroin again. His father told me. B wants to go into detox again.
That's all I can write for now. I have so much to digest and absorb...B hasn't told me yet. I am waiting for the phone to ring.
The addiction demon is back. Please pray for him.
I just found out that my son is smoking heroin again. His father told me. B wants to go into detox again.
That's all I can write for now. I have so much to digest and absorb...B hasn't told me yet. I am waiting for the phone to ring.
The addiction demon is back. Please pray for him.
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