Just when you think it's over... it isn't.

Drug addiction is a demon that doesn't want to let go. I knew that, but I had hoped that my son had been set free. I see that now, because I hardly blogged for the last two months. My son seemed to be his old self, and nothing could convince me that he was using again. So, I thought my life had gone back to normal...

As of this morning, B still has not told me that he's been "chipping". It was his father who told me, and asked me to not say anything. He wanted B to be the one to tell me. I called my son, yesterday, and I told him that I was available to meet and talk. B sounded evasive-- and that's when my fears were reignited. Evasiveness is a part of addiction. He was off to "hang out" with some friends-- and that's another pattern of my son's addiction. As a mom, all I could wonder to myself was "who are these friends?" Now that my son is almost 20 years old, he is living his own life. I can only pray that these "friends" are not drug users themselves...

Here is what I was told about B's present situation, by his father:

B told his dad that a couple of months ago he was at a party (not a smart place for a drug addict, fresh in recovery, to be at). He said that he was "offered" some heroin to smoke, and he wanted to see what would happen. My visual is that Satan offered my son something that looked too tempting for my son to resist-- and my son took the bait, again.

Evidently, that explains my son's visits back to Salinas about once a week. He'd return to buy more of that trash and smoke it in his new hometown. "Chipping" is a term that I've become familiar with from former drug addicts. It's when an addict uses their "drug of choice" and supplements not being able to get it by taking the drug "subutex". So, I would venture to guess that my son did not appear to be "using", because his addiction to opiates isn't full-blown.

"How am I doing", I'm being asked by my loved ones. My first thoughts, when B's father told me this, was a sense of physical shock. Truthfully, I knew that my son's odds of relapsing were higher than I'd like. From what I've read, B had a 3% chance of a successful recovery. I was deeply concerned that B was not working the program-- he had "fired" his sponsor, citing that he felt that his sponsor wasn't easy to talk to. In retrospect, I think that B's sponsor was calling my son on not working the program, and B did what he does best when he feels pressure-- he bails out. I did not think it was a good idea for B to return to his home roots, knowing how easy it would be for him to reconnect with the network of drug addicts he knew.

My worst fears have come true. So, what now?

I continue to praise God's grace and mercy on my son. For what it's worth, I am thankful that B has not been arrested, nor ended up in an emergency room-- or worse, in a morgue. It's a bittersweet set of blessings, but it's all that I have to hang on to.

I am thankful that my son admitted his problem to his father. What prompted his confessions is still unknown to me, at this time.

B has health insurance, and he needs to make the phone call himself. He needs to own up to his addiction, and to check himself in. I will tap into his trust account-- that is rapidly dwindling down to nothing-- for him to transition from the detox center into a Sober Living Environment. My regret is that I was willing to believe my son's promises that he could handle his sobriety without a Sober Living Environment. It breaks my heart to think of my mother's hard earned money being wasted on roommates that did not work out for my son. So, this time, I will not help B to live anywhere else but in an "SLE". He cannot live with me, either.

But, it's done and I can't dwell on that. As his mom, I continue to pray for him with fervor. I love him, and that's obvious to those who know what my son means to me. I am deeply disappointed that addiction has come into my family, and that the goals and dreams I had for my son have been stolen.

B has not called me since late yesterday morning. He promised to do that, but never did. That's another side-effect of addiction-- B becomes very flaky. I have decided that I need to let my son make the first move to ask for my help. He has my support and love, without needing to ask for it.

Once again, I am left feeling betrayed by B's addictioin. Obviously, my son has been lying to me and I believed him 110%. That's what the demon of addiction does-- Satan is the master of lies and deceit.

I have company staying with us for several more days. I had planned an Oktoberfest party for today-- a tradition in my family, to celebrate my mom's life. B's "Oma" passed away in October 2003 and she was very proud of her Bavarian heritage. I've lost my festive mood, though, so I've downscaled the party to be a small dinner. My heart isn't into celebrating much, today.

I'm okay, for the most part. My strength comes from my faith and trust in the Lord. I know that the power of Christ is far greater than Satan's. So, I hold on to trusting that God will use this evil for good. I pray that my son's relapse will remind B that he needs to take his addiction very seriously-- and that he needs to work the program. He needs to find a sponsor and he needs to attend meetings on a regular basis.

He also needs to know that trying heroin to see what happens is probably what Eve did when she bit into the apple in the Garden of Eden. For the rest of his life, he cannot "try" any kind of drug. Period. Otherwise he will spiral into his addiction-- potentially losing his life to it.

Thank you, Lord, for the strength and blessings you have given us through this ordeal.