I'm in a tug of war with my son-- can I let go of my end of the rope?

On Sunday, I devoured the message that our pastor delivered in church. The message was titled "How to deal with an angry person".

Wow. I took five pages of notes. I have anger issues. I know that it comes from years of physical abuse as a kid. My family members are all pretty much Type-A personalities. That includes me, by the way. If you were to sit at the dining room table, at Christmas, you'd be astounded at how much we interrupt each other. I am making a conscious effort to listen more and interrupt less. Consequently, I am more aware of how much my son won't let me finish a single sentence.

I won't transcribe all of my notes, here (though I should, as it really helped me to understand things). What I gleaned from this message was how my son and I interact.

My epiphany was that my son and are too much alike when it comes to communicating with each other. I tend to feel defensive when I am blamed for something, and I know I'm right. He does the same thing.

The other night, I was trying to communicate to my son that I am not happy with how much he lounges around the house...doesn't seem to have much focus on any one thing. He doesn't shower for days-- and that is something I cannot understand. I feel as though he is just existing-- he is not making an effort to go to "meetings". I'm sorry, but I feel "used".

The discussion went around in circles. I could not finish a sentence, without his fast talking excuses. He was pointing his finger at me. "I have the problem". Mentally, I'm thinking "YOU have the problem".

That's exactly what Pastor M said at church. He reminded that the reason we become angry is because of our ego-- our pride. We need to be right.

Bingo. My stubborn gene has been passed on to my son. Is this my mother's curse coming to fruition?

When friends and colleagues ask me how I'm doing, I understand that they are asking me "how is your son doing"? My newest response is "today is a good day for B". I've given him 5 random drug tests this month, and he's coming up clean for opiates. His THC level is still testing positive, but I'm going by information that it can take up to five weeks to stop showing as a positive. He tells me that he isn't smoking weed anymore.

I have to remind myself that I need to lower my expectations for my son. Yes, I admit, that I am an over-achiever-- by that, I tend to put a lot of perfectionism onto myself. It's taken 50 plus years for me to finally learn skills to remember to do things and to organize my day. I cannot expect my 20 year old son to have those skills. He's really about sixteen years old-- right when he started to use drugs...first weed, then cocaine and then opiates. I try to help my son, by showing him how I do things... and it doesn't work. He's not me.

I need to learn to let go of my end of the rope.

I have to remind myself to expect small victories for B.

His sobriety is at the top of the list.
Managing his diabetes and overall health comes right below that.

He still lies so easily-- or, should I say, he "embellishes".
He still lacks motivation.
He has very little focus.

Like this morning. Right before my bedtime, I let him take my car to the store to buy milk for us. He returned in the right amount of time, left my credit card and receipt (it all checked out) where I asked him to . I had already gone to bed, but my ears were listening for my car.
NOTE: Many parents of addicts must be gasping at my giving my son this much trust. Fortunately, he has never stolen from me. For that, I am truly thankful.

This morning, I noticed that ALL of my windows were left in the down position.

See what I mean? It's like his brain is on hold.

Drugs have really messed up my son's brilliant mind. From what I've read/heard, it can take years to get his brain to function normally again.

I hate drugs. I hate what they do to the addict and I hate what it does to the family.

One small victory-- my son is wanting to stay clean. He is talking with me and we are not fighting.

As long as I let go of my end of the rope.

God, help me.

Counting my blessings

I have been off work since Friday; that gives me five days to relax-- three of them are paid days off. I am so blessed, and so thankful!

B left for school about 2 hours ago. I'm adjusting to his living with us, but I have to say that his appetite is back! B is 6'3 and very thin. I can see an increase is how much he wants to eat. This morning, I found the remnants of the ricotta pancakes I had made--and stashed in the back of the fridge for my selfish purpose. He also ate the rest of my bean and bacon soup (quite a stellar batch, if I do say so myself) that I had planned to ration for a couple of lunches.

I am living with a piranha!

My husband went to bed at 9, since he has to work today. I stayed up to surf the net and to watch a little TV that I had recorded. B had eaten dinner with us and left to spend some time with his friend "A". I don't know "A" really well. I do know that he's been clean from using oxy for over a year. I also know that he moved away for a year, he's an excellent golfer and his parents live in town but are divorced. I've had chats with "A" and he seems like he's okay.

B came home an hour earlier than his "curfew". He was feeling chatty, so I paused my show. It's nice to be able to actually talk to B. I try to filter what he says through my B.S. meter. Last night, I felt he was being sincere.

Every so often, B tries to share with me what it's like to be inside the head of an addict. He said that he's been thinking, hard, about where his life has gone. He realizes that most of his high school friends are finishing up college, and ready to go on with their lives. He said that he's wasted so much time as a drug addict. He has nothing to show for the jobs he's had. He's sold everything of value.

He made a comment that I found interesting-- he said that he's glad that I'm testing him often. I replied that I hoped it would be a reason for him not to use-- knowing he'd have to leave.

He paused and said "that isn't why, mom". "Addicts don't worry about those kind of consequences". He went on to say that when an addict wants to use, they can only focus on that one thought-- that two hour time period of being loaded... that feeling that only an addict can understand. He said that's why addicts do such bad things. At the moment that the need becomes to great to use, they figure they'll deal with the consequences later.

He then said "I'm not using because I choose not to."

He also said that he needs to find a "routine"... "structure" in his life. Ha! I'm an expert at that (smile of sarcasm as I write this). My life is all about routine-- from household chores, to work, exercise, cooking... I'm amazed at how busy I keep myself but forget to budget in time for "fun". These thoughts raced through my mind, at wharp speed, as I listened to my son speak from his heart.

I try to take advantage of these moments by offering encouragement and a little Mommy Wisdom...however, I also know that I need to make my point faster than a rapper. I have about a 15 second window to try and think of something brilliant... my success rate is about 50%

For today, I think that B is feeling thankful for where he's at-- living in our home, and eating well. He sees his friend, "A" applying for jobs everywhere that he can. "A" has a good resume, a nice personality and he left his last job on good terms. "A" can't find a job. B realizes that the economy is in horrible shape, and that finding a job is going to be very hard.

B says that living on his own, for eight months, wasn't easy at all.

I need to take the time to create links to highlight a lot of my son's experiences, since I started this blog. My son has been robbed, physically assaulted, thrown out of places he's paid rent to live, cheated out of money, told off by "so-called" friends. He has relapsed again and again. He has lied again and again.

So, last night, I just sat and drank up a sense of gratitude that my son is alive to talk about it.

This morning, I realized that this is my father's birthday. He was born on February 17th, 1922 and he died on February 6, 1986. My son never knew him, because he was born in 1988.

Today, is also the anniversary that my son was carjacked-- February 17th, 2005. I can still remember my son's swollen eye, torn clothes, scratched face and swollen hands. I can still remember how traumatized I felt seeing my son in that condition and all the time spent trying to get information from the police. My son recognized two of the perpetrators as high school students he knew.

I don't think I've shared that story, in detail. We still get monthly checks as restitution from one of the perpetrators, and I use that money for some of B's expenses. The boy was 18 at the time that he (and two other guys) decided to rob my son. B had one of those "BOOM BOOM" fancy stereos (little did I fully know that it was bankrolled by B's drug dealing). I knew it was a target for theft. The 18 year old served 11 months in county jail. I was at every hearing, and I had something to say to him.

The 17 year old got 1 month in jail, and the third one never got caught. Criminals have a twisted sense of loyalty. They won't "snitch".

It's a long story, so I'll get back to where I first started--

Today, I am thankful that my son survived that carjacking, and so many other things.

I have spent an hour uploading photos of food that I have made, for my food blog. I was looking out of my kitchen window, at the rain and all the green grass that's coming up. I was talking out loud, to God, listing off the things I'm so thankful for. I was focused on how blessed I am to try and decided WHAT to cook, WHAT to bake and what photos to share on what my family eats.

That's when I felt so filled with gratitude. I am so blessed. I have everything that I need, and I am so thankful for it. I am happily married. I have a job, and I love it. I love my house. I am a mother. I have loyal and wonderful friends. I have the Lord in my heart.

My son is home.

I pray that my son can make it, this time. I pray that he will work the program, and find the strength to resist the temptation to use drugs. It WILL come.

I pray for families who are just now finding out that their own child is using drugs. I not exactly a veteran-- it's only been 10 months since I found out what oxycontin is-- it's a tough road.

I pray that the Lord will use me to help someone-- to let them know that they are not alone.

I am thankful for God's mercy.

So far, so good

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged for several days. I am on a min-vacation from work. School is closed since Thursday, February 12th and will reopen on Wednesday, February 18th. I opted to work on the 12th, to catch up on paperwork and to make up on work hours that I missed when my son had his "relapse" episode a couple of weeks ago.

I've been enjoying the rain, sleeping in and doing a little baking and cooking new recipes.

As far as B goes-- I tested him yesterday morning, and he's clean. HisTHC comes up positive, still-- but I've been told that takes much longer to clear the system. I know that this might sound weird, but I'm not as worried about him smoking weed as I am his using opiates, of any kind.

Friday, B logged on to his college website registration page. Sure enough, he's enrolled in 9 units of classes. He has one more class to get his "add on" codes and then we can put him back on our insurance. Halleluia! That will save us a LOT of money!

As I am writing, he just came home. His sponsor might have to back to prison. "What?!", you might wonder....

Many sponsors, in the "program" have a history of incarceration. B has told me that D did "six years" for something unrelated to drug use. I don't know what it is, and he hasn't told me. I try to respect his boundaries and I don't ask. I'm just not a prying kind of person, by nature.

From what B has told me, D did not check in with his probation officer. So, he got arrested and it's in the hands of his PO as to what will happened. I've skimmed over the details. It's not something I feel I should share-- and, I take a lot of what I'm told with a grain of salt.

Addicts tell good stories, you know.

I'm going to make a big pot of soup, so that I can go back to enjoying the rain. It's nice to be home and rested.

As for B, I have to say that I feel we are starting on a better path of a good relationship. We are at the very beginning again. He knows he has a lot of work to do, to gain my trust. However, I have handed him my credit card to fill his gas tank (to go to school, and it's only once a week). He always brings me the receipt, and I log online to check my balance almost every day. Sure enough, he hasn't done anything sneaky.

Those are the blessings that I thank the Lord for. My son is trying to regain our trust.

One day at at time...

"Mom"

Mental vacation and training wheels

I have to confess, that reading blogs from other parents of addicts hit my heart and soul to the core. I know that this sounds a little melodramatic, but it really did!

What stuck out, to me, was how battered and angry so many of the blogs read. Reading between the lines, I felt as though so many parents were stolen from, lied to and manipulated by the addict in their family-- to the point that their hearts were turning cold (and I don't mean that as an insult... it's having zero trust that does this to us...it's a coping mechanism, if you will. As I continued to read deeper, I felt so much sorrow for addicts who have mental illness associated with their drug addiction. I could not even offer any kind of "way out" to these bloggers! I felt totally helpless and unable to offer any kind of solid wisdom.

In a way, their troubles make mine feel so superficial. Yes, my son is a drug addict. I don't take that lightly. Compounding the problem, my son is a Type I Diabetic who must use insulin-- every single day-- so that he can live. Mental illness has been ruled out, by two psychiatrists.

I still count my blessings that my son has not resorted to theft. I won't polish his halo too much, though. He has sold oxy to buy heroin. That's bad enough. I still count my blessings that the Lord has been merciful on my son. So far, my son has never been inside a jail-- small mercies.

I think that's been the cherry on my sundae with "mental anguish overload"-- so many addicts are in jail, and their parents are blogging about their sorrows. That frustrates me to no end!

I cannot imagine what I would do, and I don't want to think about it. At last, not now.

So, for today, I can say that my son is clean. He is starting his first full day of classes at our local junior college. His hopes are high. I told him to take easy classes, as his training wheels. He agrees, that he should take classes that won't put too much demand on him. He needs to get used to actually getting up and GOING to school. He has quit college twice, before. Let's hope that three's a charm.

He still procrastinates. He still forgets to lock his bedroom window before leaving the house. He still piles up his laundry and then decides to do 4 loads of laundry on my day off. He still sleeps in late, on the weekends. He still doesn't test his blood sugar as often as he should.

He has procrastinated, all of last week, in contacting his outpatient program...now that his insurance hurdle has finally been crossed.

I have to learn patience-- and this is not my strongest virtue. I keep reminding myself that my son's mind is still in a fog. He is still detoxing, but each day he looks much better.

I need to focus on one accomplishment at a time. Almost like having a toddler, I have to cheer him on when he completes something. "Great job!"

I was cranky last night. Really cranky. My job can, at times, demand lots of little deadlines from more than one person. I feel like "Cinderelly" on those days. I just want to go home and chill-- to watch a TV program or surf the net for food recipes (my hobby and passion). Last night, B was so excited about being enrolled and he was a Chatty Kathy (I'm dating myself, here).

I begged for quiet-- and that was just about the time my husband walked into the room chomping on chips. Crunch, crunch, crunch. Then B decides he's going to bang around in the kitchen.

"QUIET!!" I shrieked. My head was pounding with a headache. I had reached my meltdown point, and I can get ugly when that happens.

I could see the hurt look on my son's face. He left the room and I felt like the big bad Ogre. This morning, I apologized to him for acting that way. I really meant it.

I really need to take a mental break-- to do something for ME. I wish I could afford a massage (I did them for years as a profession), but that's not in the budget.

I have four -- maybe five-- days off work. I'm praying for a day devoted to "me time" and another day for "we" time. "We" is my husband and me-- being a married couple.

My son's addiction can take over our lives, if we aren't careful.

Please know, that while I haven't read every single recent blog entry to those I am following-- you are in my prayers.

So far, so clean (except for my house)-- and allowances for things

**I just tested B. He's clean for opiates. THC comes up with a faint positive. From what I've read and asked-- it could take longer to clean out of his system. Yes!!!!**

Yesterday, I decided to take a day off my obsession about B's addiction. Easier said than done. Besides, work has been insanely busy with a lot of deadlines. That helped.

I finally have my car fixed-- turns out that it was a faulty battery. The sound of the engine roaring to life, this morning, made me sigh with relief. The upside is that B has been driving me to work at 6:45 each morning. It's nice to have that time to talk-- though I have so missed my daily devotionals on my iPod and my "me time" in prayer to the Lord. Instead, I've had to grit my teeth while B kept changing songs on his iPod (I don't even want to know how he bought that...or, whatever).

B had a rough day, yesterday. He forgot to bring his suboxone with him. We didn't have time to turn around and get them. By the time that B came to have lunch with me-- 5 hours later, I could see he was having a rough day. His eye dilate and he seemed antsy. His whole demeanor changes where the "calm" vibe is gone. I bought us my Japanese Bento box lunches (for $6.00, what a bargain) and we drove to the ocean. It was raining, but we kept the car window open so that we could hear the surf. It was a wonderful time spent with my son-- I'm actually beginning feel less nervous around him.

He has 9 units of college classes signed up. He needs one more. That way, we can put him on our group insurance, instead of COBRA. That should save us $250.00 a month. Whew!

My son is a good golfer, and it helps him a lot.

I have debated giving my son an allowance. No! I would not give him cash. But, I've decided that I want to make some things possible for B-- things that he appreciates, and as a mom, it is something I am willing to do.

Golf! I made a deal with my son to do a list of chores. Wouldn't it be nice if he did them just out of the goodness of your heart? C'mon. How many of you have kids like that -- yes, B is 20 years old, but he's stunted from drugs. Truly, he's in high school, by maturity level.

He's still not 100%. He says he's feeling really bad. I hope he goes to a meeting. I'm going to drive to our golf course and buy him a round of golf. I'll pay for it-- trust me, it's a city owned golf course...not some shi-shi country club, because it's way out of my price range. We're talking $15.00.

I'll get him a haircut, too.

Speaking of-- I need to get busy cleaning my house. This whole episode of B's relapse has taken a huge toll on everyone.

Can I exhale for now? Tonight, my husband and I are going out to the movies. I'll cook (to save money) and he cleans. I need quiet time with my husband-- to cuddle, hold hands and feel like a couple again.

Just for today-- I thank God for another day of life. I thank you, Lord, that my loved ones are safe. Thank you for the rain you've blessed our thirsty land with, and for the sunshine that has brightened our day. Thank you, God, for my son's sobriety...just for today.

I pray for the families and loved ones, who have a daughter, a son, a husband, a wife, a sibling, a cousin... in jail because their life has become so unmanageable from addiction. I pray, Lord, that would you give them courage, strength and wisdom. Father, I pray that these addicts would surrender their concept that they can handle their addiction by themselves. They are powerless over their addiction. May your perfect light of love shine upon them, that they can take that first step to sobriety.

Amen.