Goodbye 2009, Hello Promises of 2010

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My husband and I are laughing at ourselves. It's 8:30pm on New Year's Eve. We both went swimming (one of the good things of living in California), and took a jacuzzi together, late this afternoon.   I had plans to make a fancy dinner to enjoy at home. Out of character, for me, I opted to make a nice sandwich and two cold beers, rather than scurrying about in the kitchen. Now, we're both in our pajamas with his and her laptops. Wow! We're really living it up!

I had a bit of a temper meltdown, this morning.  It had something to do with my son, and his inability to get information accurately. I won't get into the details, because I've worked through it.  As I drove into town, alone, it gave me time to calm down.  I began to focus on the new calves in the green pastures along the highway between our home and 20 miles to downtown.   I hope to work on not letting my buttons be pushed to the point that I get really worked up about it.  By counting my blessings, out loud, I could feel my anger dissipate and I was able to enjoy the rest of today-- the last day of 2009.

2009 has been an interesting year. Most of it was all about B.  It was a year of giving my son so many chances to stay sober.  As I reviewed most of my blogs, I could read the hope I had for him. I blogged with so much enthusiasm-- desperately hoping that my son was going to be able to keep away from drugs.

Sadly, my son was asked to move out at the end of August.  When I review a lot of my blog entries, I see so much drama.  The longest my son could stay sober, averaged 5 days.  I lost track of how many times he relapsed.

Within the last couple of weeks, things have quieted down with my son.  That doesn't mean that all is well.  I think that I've limited how much I'm going to publicly share about our personal lives.  I'm limiting how much time I will spend on this blog-- as well as my "other" food blog.  I was spending to much time blogging, and my husband deserves my attention a lot more.

B has taken baby steps forward, and he's been knocked back by many miles.  It's been a roller coaster ride, for sure!

As of today, here is an update on my son:
He has his car back, and it's insured and all legitimate.  This is possible, because of his small trust fund that I oversee.  I can only pray that his car will be a tool to find a better paying job...  I won't allow myself to think negative thoughts on how the car could be used.  I can only pray that is all in my son's past. No further comment.

My son got his job back, two weeks ago. He went in for his final paycheck (another labor law broken, as a final check is due within 72 hours of being fired) a week after he got fired.  His boss asked him to come back.
. Go figure.  It's a blessing, in that B is able to pay his rent, have a little money for food, and afford the car insurance. I found a good rate for him through our state automobile association. It's his own policy, and I'm not on it.

B is legally on methadone.  He really likes his counselor a lot. My son signed a release so that I could go in, directly, to pay for it. The money comes from his trust account, not my wallet.  They women, who work in the office,  love him. I used to hearing that, because he is very friendly and likable.

B's roommate is working out, so far. B seems to like his apartment again.

My son is struggling, to make ends meet. He's always broke.  I do believe, that because of the methadone, that he is no longer using heroin.  I almost see the son that I knew back.

I get frustrated with his inability to manage his life.  He still struggles with being punctual (except for work).  He still doesn't follow through on things that need to be done.  He still doesn't manage his diabetes well, but I can only hope he'll start to take better care of himself.

I try to understand that, a struggling addict like my son, can only focus on one thing at a time. My son is struggling to find a way to be free of using drugs.  For the record, I wish my son could endure the pain of withdrawals so that he can clean his body of the poison he's used for five years.  The reality is, my son cannot bear the thought of it.  He is not ready, and I have accepted that there is nothing I can say or do to change that.

What I have seen is a closeness between my son and me, that was never there before.  I have learned to make peace with my son's disease.  I have reached a point, in my life, where I am seeing a 6'3 young man of 21 years.  I'm beginning to find the strength to let go-- in that, I have adjusted to his not living with me anymore.  I can sense that my son is very happy living on his own. I see a few snippets of maturity in my son. By that, he is finally appreciating all the creature comforts that he had in our home.  He no longer has cable television, video games, a fully stocked kitchen nor a quiet house to life in. He's learning what it's like to have noisy neighbors, no food watching BBC television-- because it's the only channel that comes in, without cable.

B did join us for Christmas Eve church service and dinner. He was sweet and very gracious. He received grocery store gift cards, and some clothing. He was very grateful for it.

B couldn't buy us gifts. I didn't mind, at all. I've reached a point in my life, where Christmas gifts aren't important to me.  I told my son, that the greatest gift he could give me would be to spend Christmas 2010 with one year of sobriety.  I would be so happy if my son found a job that he enjoyed and did well-- that he would remain debt-free, drug free and that he was safe and had a clean criminal record.

I am three hours away from getting used to writing "2010" on my checks. I pray that the coming year will be filled with more victories in the fight against addiction.

I pray that I will continue to be supportive of my son, without enabling him.  I pray for all of you who read my blog. Thank you, for a year of support and encouragement.

May this be a year of victories for all of us!

Sleep in Heavenly Peace, "Sister Kelly"

C and I are on vacation until January 4th.  For only that reason, I am taking a blogging break. I received a very sad phone call yesterday, and I wanted to write down my thoughts--

I met "Kelly" last September in my bible study group.  I'm so blessed to have the kind of women's ministry that I do-- in our large group of at least 100 women, we break down into tables of 8-10 women. We come from all walks of life-- realtors, school employees, secretaries and those who are unemployed and down in their luck. That was "Sister" Kelly. Kelly was attending her very first bible study ever.  I remember, someone from the church, offering her a free bible. "No," she said. "I want my own".

I observe people, and I watched Kelly with mild curiosity.  She had that look of someone who has seen hard times. 15 years as an Esthetician (licensed skincare specialist), taught me how to recognize signs of smoking, alcohol and drug use.  I pegged her somewhere in her late 30's to late 40's-- possibly 50, but that was a stretch.  She had a "hard" look on her face, and I think she felt overwhelmed about the whole "bible thing". Still, I could see a "Jesus Spark" in her.  I could tell that she was seeking to know the whole God thing.

The next week, Kelly showed up with her new bible-- with the cute index markers that I have on mine-- that helps me to find Mathew or James or Leviticus in a hurry.  She began to open up, as all of us do during these wonderful times together. A bible study group is a time of sharing our lives. It's a time of reading scripture and then sharing how this may or may not apply to our lives. I began to see laughter in Kelly's face-- I also saw tears being shed, as I've done many times.

Then, Kelly opened up to all of us-- she told us how she was 4 1/2 years clean from meth.  She shared with the group the pain of how her family has cut her off....and how her eleven year old son lives with his grandfather and stepgrandmother. Kelly asked us to pray for Parker, and that she would be allowed to see him again.  Pray for Kelly we did, indeed.  I cannot understand why children are the innocent victims.

In late November, I shared with the group about my son. All of it.  I was surprised how two women told me they had been through kids with drug problems-- all heroin.  Nobody judged me.  I told Kelly I was hoping to take my son to Celebrate Recovery. She beamed, and said she hoped to see us.

The next night, B and I walked into CR. There was Kelly-- beaming and motioning us over. As I sat next to her, she had tears in her eyes and said "I'm so happy you are here".  "Me, too", I said.  At "coffee", Kelly told us how meth had destroyed her life. She said that she once had a house, savings, a loyal clientele (she was a hairdresser) and life was good. Then meth came into her life. I never asked how and why-- she never shared how and why".  She looked at my son, and I could see that B wasn't into hearing the rest of her story. (B says he doesn't like to hear 'war stories').  I do, only because I think people find healing in sharing their stories. I think B doesn't want to hear it, because it's too real-- that's just my take on it. I could be wrong.

On December 5th, I went to the Women's Ministry Christmas Party.  I didn't really want to go, because I was tired. I had to deliver a cake I donated for the auction, and I saw all the hard work and decorations that dedicated women had done. It was beautiful!  So, I decided to go, even though I didn't have a girlfriend to accompany me-- figuring I'd sit anywhere and just try to fit in. Truth be told, I can be a little shy in a large group of strangers.  In short time, I realized that nobody was a stranger-- though there were several hundred women!  We are all Sisters in Christ! In walked Kelly, all alone.  I immediately invited her to sit next to me. We laughed and shared in some ice breaker games.  We went into the buffet area, where there were chocolate fountains-- six of them!  I don't like chocolate all that much, except for white chocolate.  I spotted an abandoned white chocolate fountain, and saw pineapple chunks! Bingo! Kelly looked at me, not sure what to do. I showed her how to dip it and then I popped this tasty morsel  into my mouth. She copied me.  Her eyes grew big, and she smiled. 

I will, forever, remember that moment-- two women, indulging in one of my favorite treats of all time. We giggled. We laughed, as the line for dark chocolate snaked around the room.  We felt victorious that we found our private chocolate fountain-- and she told me about her car accident, just the week before. I had noticed she was wearing a neck collar. Kelly said that she must have had a seizure-- she blacked out, hit a telephone pole and totaled her SUV.  She said the cops arrested her, but she tested clean for alcohol.  She was prescribed pain pills, and she said she still hurt quite a bit.  She couldn't remember what kind, when I asked.  "N-something", she said.

"Norco?", I offered.

"Yeah, Norcos!".

Oh, Lord. That's how my son got introduced to opiates.  I warned her to be very careful of that.

As the night wore on, we enjoyed the Christmas concert we sang Christmas Carols". We both started to yawn, and hugged goodbye.

I thought to myself, "I should invite Kelly to lunch".  She seemed such a lonely person...with a lot of pain in her life.

Kelly died 12 days later, this December 17th.  It is said that she mixed her antidepressants with her pain pills and never woke up again.

Kelly was 41 years old.  She touched my life, even if just for a few months.

When another woman, from my group, called me (crying), I said "let's pray". I could hear "L" crying, but I felt such joy and relief that Kelly is in such a better place. She beat me there!  My thoughts are with her son, now. Will he remember her? Has his heart been poisoned by the family who cannot forgive her? Do they know the pain and torment this caused Kelly?

Only a true believer in the promises of Jesus, can understand why I feel that Kelly has been released from her pain and suffering. She truly is in the bosom of our Lord Jesus.  She is Home.  I'm so thankful that Kelly found the Lord, if only a few months ago. It was a Christian friend who encouraged Kelly to check out Celebrate Recovery and to join her first bible study group. Her friend said that Kelly  said "the prayer", that is so simple to say-- that will set us free, and guarantee that we will be in heaven, at the hour of our death.

Lord, Jesus.  I accept you as my Lord and Savior.  I believe that you are the son of God.  Please forgive me for all of my sins. Thank you for dying on the cross, that I may be forgiven and washed clean of my past.   I ask that you come into my heart, and into my life, right now that I may have eternal life with you. Amen.

I've heard so many versions of this prayers-- some so eloquent, they still make me weep. This is my own very simple and humble prayer. I prayed that prayer 13 years ago, and I have never looked back at my past life as an unbeliever.  I am still a sinner, but I am a new person.  I seek to be obedient to God, knowing that I need to seek to understand my purpose in life-- to worship and follow God.

Have you said that prayer?

I know that I will see Kelly again.  I will always remember her.  I pray for her son, Parker, that he will one day know how much she loved him and missed him. I pray for her family, who hated her so much that they cut her off from seeing her own flesh and blood.  Sadly, there will be no service for Kelly. Her family withheld telling anyone of her death, for at least a week.  How very sad.

Because of Jesus' birth, death at the cross, and resurrection-- we are living in grace.  Grace is giving forgiveness to those who don't deserve it.  God has given me grace. I know I don't deserve it! But that's the depth of his love for everyone of us.

I'm so thankful that Kelly found that.  She is pain-free, drug-free and I will see her again.

I know this.

Peace on Earth, and in our hearts, I Pray

 Heavenly Father,

I am praying for my son, at this very moment.  It seems that so many roadblocks have been set before my son. I pray that this is all part of your Divine plan.  Father, you know the struggles that my son is facing. Father, you know what is going on-- at this very moment-- where my son needs a miracle.  I thank you, God, for the abundant grace and mercy you've given to my son.  Thank you, God, that today I am on vacation. My son and I have things to take care of. I pray that you will fill my heart with Godly wisdom, at this very moment. Help me to know what things I can and cannot do to help him. I pray that you will use me as your conduit to do your work in his life. I pray that you will help me to accept the things that I have no control over. I pray that my son will cry out to you, Lord-- and not hear the voice of darkness that brings him down.
I pray for my son's health, and that you will fill him with the courage that he needs to deal with the physical agony of his withdrawals.

Father, I am asking that you will bring peace and calm to the soul of a mother, who is agonizing over her son's pain.

Christmas is a difficult time for so many families.  I pray that those who are in need of a miracle, that only you can do, will feel your power and presence.

I pray for joy, today, in my son's heart.  Thank you, Fahter, that you hear our prayers.  I pray for my blogger friends who are dealing with their own struggles-- that you will fill their hearts with encouragement and hope.

I pray that you will set my son free of the bondage of addiction. 

Amen.

Taking deep breaths...

48 hours, and no dramas. All is quiet on the Western Front.

Seriously, I am focusing on my work, coming home, cooking dinner and having about one hour of rest before going to bed. I haven't watch TV in almost a week.

I've talked to B, but there's been no drama. He's looking for a job. He has a new roommate, "A". I've known "A" for many years. I like "A", but-- I am assuming A uses, or has used. A was at my home two nights ago, when he brought B to our home to pick up some insulin. I looked right at A and my son and said, "you two are either going to be one another's undoing-- or, I pray, you two will stay sober together.

I do not think my son is in danger. It's just a feeling. I think he's laying very low and I pray that he is finally free of the crazy people who were in their life. They are all in rehab, to avoid jail time.

That's all I have to say. I still don't have one Christmas decoration unpacked. Three more days, and I'm on my two week Winter Break vacation.

I pray, every morning, for all of us-- we family of bloggers. Every morning, without fail... I pray for the Alex's and Keven's and so many of you.

I'm literally taking each day, one day at a time-- in faith and in prayer.

I am trying to breath, and not allow my son's crazy life to become my own.

Thank you, for you private emails and support. I'm sorry I haven't answered back. This early darkness is giving me the blues. Speaking of...it's past my bedtime!

Newspaper Headlines against the war on Oxycontin

Before I launch into today's episode of "How the Drug World Turns", I need to refresh who
The Cast of Characters for those of you who are just now tuning in...

B = my son, age 21

M = my son's roommate, since September 5th, until November 29th, 2009...not quite 3 months. Alcoholic, former oxy addict, but now freebasing and IV use of heroin. Bipolar, not taking meds, age 24. Split from my son's apartment, but still on the lease with all of his belongings still in the apartment. Paid 80% of his share of December rent. M has a jail record-- not clear exactly for what.
C = my son's most recent "best friend"; they've known each other since middle school. Age 21.
D = "platonic girlfriend" of "M". Moved into my son's apartment the same night that "M" split to go into a 5 month rehab, locally. Now, she's on the lam from the law.
Mom = Me. Age 54. Happily remarried, God-loving mom. Full-time employee. Struggling to not be an enabler to my son, but hampered by a devoted love for him.

Today's Episode is sponsored by the drama of drug dealers. We ask that you not support this sponsor. Thank you.

So, my son calls me just as I'm getting out of church.  "D" showed up at his apartment at 2am.  For reasons I cannot fathom, B opens the door.

Pause.  Why, do you wonder, would anyone open the door at 2am?  My son is a night owl, just like his friends. He says he couldn't see, and he thought it was a friend.  Duh.

In bursts D and two guys. They want to know what B told the cops about the home invasion on B's best friend "C".  B tells her he only said she's not there anymore. He knows nothing. They turned over his two pieces of furniture and stole his money on his nightstand ($40.00).   They threatened that if he talked to the cops they would F him up really bad.

Now, what is a mother to think?  I'm angry. I just left church after listening to how Christians need to practice grace. That is, accepting a person, despite their behavior.  I'm seeing red.  B says he hasn't been harmed, but he sounds really bummed.

"When is this all going to stop?", he wonders out loud.

Well, duh. It will finally stop when you quit associating with this kind of scum. Get out! 

I say this to B, and he glumly agrees.

Now, before anyone says this-- could my son be lying about this? Could he be making this up so I give him $40.00?  No. He didn't ask me for money.  Sadly, I can just feel that my son is telling me the sordid truth.

I live in a city that has had 27 murders since January 1st.  Just 10 minutes away, by car-- outside my gated community-- is the East side where the Norteno and Sureno gang members are holding the city hostage. Shootings are happening in broad daylight. The news always says they are gang related.  Witnesses won't come forward. It is said that when a local police officer arrests a gang member, the member will spew out the name of the cop's wife and kids. That's how bad it is!

What's my point?  My son will not call the cops and tell them. He says that if he does, D will find out and he'll end up stabbed or shot.  What's so sad is that he's telling the truth.  I cannot bail my son out, and that's even sadder. By that, I cannot move my son out of his apartment.  I can only pray that my son will look over his shoulder and not be stupid enough to open doors. I'll buy him a chain lock, but he just needs to learn common sense.  Where he's living is in a fairly decent area. It's right behind where I buy my groceries. It's a huge apartment complex and there have been some crimes.

B was supposed to come over to do laundry...maybe help decorate the house. Instead, he says he wants to clean up the apartment and put things back together. He'll call me later. He assures me that he's okay.

I hang up the phone, close my eyes and I pray with such anger. I pray that D will get busted.  I go so far as to envision me pounding her face in until it's pulp. I cannot believe my anger!  I have never hit a person in my life. It's not my nature.  But, I'm angry. I feel almost as angry as the night my son comes home after being attacked, kicked in the head with steel-toed boots when he was carjacked.

No matter what, I cannot bear the thought of my son being harmed.  It makes me crazy.

I take a shower, and I talk to God.  I'm praying that God will take away my anger and I thank God for protecting my son.  For whatever reason, my son has been spared more times than I can count for his transgressions. That's the power of God's love, I believe

The phone rings. It's B.

"OhmyGod...", he drawls.

Oh, no, now what?  B asks if I have the Sunday paper.  Yes, but not my city local paper. I don't like it.  I start to search the internet, but today's issue isn't uploaded yet.

He tells me that C was looking at 25 years to life for selling oxycontin (I talk about this episode here).  He says that C ratted out every single source of oxycontin.

Then, I remember... on Friday, on the morning news, I saw mug shots of four our five men who were arrested for dealing oxycontin.  I remember thinking "good".  I thought of my son, who once sold that drug, and never got caught.  (This I don't say with glee, but with thankfulness that he doesn't do this anymore).

B tells me that C has a hit out on him. He heard that C is as good as dead, if "they" find him.  He ratted out the big dealers and he was stupid, B is saying. B sounds upset and concerned for C.  Now, now... I don't feel that kind of compassion for C. It's just that I know C! I've known him for many years!

Then B pauses. He says,  "I guess if I was looking at that much time, I guess I would have, too".

In a way, I'm glad this has happened. In a big way, anytime I hear that a dealer goes down, I'm thrilled.  One victory is one step forward in the war against drugs.  I feel bad for C's family. They're good people. B says that his family is in big danger. I hate to say it, but it's probably true.

Somewhere in my own city is a girl named "D".  She is evil.  I am praying, with all of my heart, that she will go down. I am praying that B's former heroin source will go down.  I'm praying that the people of my community will finally say "enough" and stop allowing these gangs to control our city.

Only 25 miles from where I live, is one of the most famous tourist cities in the world.  If I said the name, and mentioned the tourist attractions and the celebrities who owns home here, you would not believe that this is going on just a 30 minute drive away.  I live in a part of California that has this dirty little secret.

Somehow, someway, my son got sucked into the darkness of my community.  It all started with a pill, that made my son feel good inside...

Deep down inside my son, there was a pain that was longing to be healed by a drug.

Deep down inside my son's heart, was a void in his life.  He had forgotten that only our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, could fill it.  My son fell into The Dark One's pit of darkness and the Accuser has not let my son go.

Methadone. Suboxone. Treatment Centers. 12-Step Programs...

Not any of these can be as powerful as God's healing touch.  I believe this with all of my heart, with all of my soul, with all of my being.

My son's journey to peace and sobriety is waiting for him, and the Lord is waiting for him.  There is no pill on earth that can heal the beast within that holds us hostage.  I am praying that my son will be set free by the Grace and Love of God.

Deuteronomy 6:5 (New International Version)

⁵ Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.