I left my heart in San Francisco

B called me just a short while ago. I still haven't seen him since Sunday, October 12th. At that time, he looked bad. Anyway... he says that he met a woman in the treatment center and that she has offered for him to live at her place rent free. All he has to do is contribute towards groceries. That's all that I know, because his phone doesn't work right, and it keeps cutting off his calls.

He said, emphatically, that he "just can't stay here". That makes me sad, but he is right.

I asked him when this would happen and he said "tonight". Yikes. So, I offered for him to stay with me tonight. I'm making dinner, anyway. I told him that since it's his birthday tomorrow, we could do something and then I'd take him to San Francisco.

So, that's where we stand, at this time. His phone cut us off, so we shall see.

That's all that I know. For now.

A conversation in my head with my son

Son, I spend most of my day thinking of you and worrying about you. I can see right through your positive attitude with me, on the phone. When you tell me how good you feel, my motherly instinct can hear that you are trying to convince yourself.

My heart breaks for you, because I cannot see how you can feel any joy in your life. I wish that I could fix it for you, but I don't have that kind of power. The only temporary fix (and I can't afford it) is for me to buy your happiness-- for me to pay for a nice apartment, give you an allowance and to buy you a golf membership. That would cheer you right up. But, I can assure you, that your addiction doesn't care about those things.

What frustrates me is how irresponsible and undependable you have become. It upsets you if I was to point it out to you. You don't want to hear, let alone admit it.

Last night, I got an email from your roommate... remember that apartment that cost $700.00 of my mother's hard earned money (your dwindling trust fund). Yes, it's that place that you spent three whole nights at. That breaks my heart, son. What a waste of money and effort-- when I think about the time I've spent driving up there to pack and move you three times.

I can't tell, anymore, how much of your behavior is from the drugs or from .... what? I can't even come up with a word for it. I don't want to call you "lazy", but I don't see you making any kind of sincere effort to find a job. The few jobs you've gotten, you've lost. You've been fired, or "let go". I see you giving up, and lounging around at your dad's house.

I feel worn out, beaten down and wounded by your addiction. I feel emotionally drained, from all the worry about your future. I can hardly bear to talk about your situation with my brothers, my friends and even my husband. I feel so "talked out" about what I've been through.

I love you, son. You know that. But I feel worn out. I feel as though I have run out of options and that have to make a decision and stick to it.

There are some simple things I wish that you would take to heart. Here's one of them-- be honest. Don't make promises that you can't keep. Return phone calls. You have not contacted your roommate and tomorrow is your last day in that apartment. He contacted me, and he sounded desperate to hear from you.

Have the courtesy to be on time. Your father called me, last night. You were 2 hours later than you promised, in showing up at his house. I could hear the frustration in your dad's voice. What can I say?

When you don't return someone's phone calls and you don't show up on time for people-- you are telling them that you do not respect their time. That is not how I raised you to be.

Yesterday, you completely shut me down when I asked if your friend would help you move out of your apartment. I could tell that you just didn't want to "deal with it".

Son, you need to "deal" with life. Drugs aren't the answer. Life isn't easy, and God has never promised us that it would be. What God has promised us is that he will be right there, with you. He will give you strength, and wisdom, if you ask for it. But, you also need to talk to him and surrender your will to his perfect will.

No matter how smart we think we are, God knows best.

God humbled me the day that your father walked out on me, in 1996. My life, as I knew it, was stopped. What I thought was my financial security was whisked away from me. That is when I finally got on my knees and pleaded for God to help me get through this.

I wonder-- has God allowed your own choices to bring you to rock bottom? Where are you seeking your wisdom and guidance? As Dr. Phil says "how's it working out for you"?

Your life is in shambles, my precious boy. I can't give you anymore band-aids. You are smart, charming and you have good manners. You can get a job...maybe not the high paying job you have convinced yourself that you deserve. But, you need to stop relying on your parents to support you. We both work, and it's not right that you expect for us to hand you money for being on a long-term vacation.

I love you, son. I am praying that you will make good choices. I am not abandoning you. I just cannot enable the lifestyle you have gotten used to.

Love,

Mom

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Wow. I don't even know what to think...what to say...what to hope for. I only have a few minutes, so here's the quick version:

B's dad called to tell me that he had heard from our son. I told him that I had, too. B's dad sounds distraught over issues that have nothing to do with out son. He said that B moving with him, to Oregon "was not an option". What can I say?

I feel pity for B's father. It's hard to believe that the man that I spent 17 years of my life with is such a stranger. He is going through some really tough times, and there is nothing I can do for him. 'Nuff said.

This morning, B called me just as I had parked at work. I was 5 minutes early. He sounded in good spirits. He told me that he was leaving the treatment center today. He said he "feels great" and he said he didn't really "use" all that much.

I asked where he would be today, and he didn't have an answer. He said "probably an SLE". He has no money, and he didn't ask me for any.

B's 20th birthday is this Saturday. I told him that I'd like to celebrate it with him. His voice seemed to brighten and he said that he wanted to play golf with me.

But, he said that he had to go and he hung up.

That's it, for now.

I'm on hold. I think of my son all day long. I have no idea what's next. I can only pray that it's all good.

-Mom

A ray of hope

My son just called me, from his cellphone. He said that he's decided to stay at his treatment center for one more day. He also wanted me to know that he's come up with a gameplan:

He believes that he should move to Oregon, where his dad plans to move in four weeks.

What a relief!

Those of us who love B (and there are many of us) have always felt that this is what he should do. But, wait...there's more.

Recently, I mentioned to B's dad, that he should take B with him to Oregon. B's dad has been living here and commuting to Oregon (where his wife lives) for about 7 years. Yes, it's "different". But, it is what it is. His dad's quick response was "that's not an option". I won't get into why his dad feels this way, because it is not for me to tell him what to do. All I can say is that I would hope he would realize that he has a chance to help my son to help himself.

I was relieved to hear B say that he realizes that he cannot come back to his hometown-- where I live. It's sad, but it's true.

I did not tell B that his father doesn't sound like he's willing to do this. Instead, I told him that I found how to order the drug tests, online. I told B that I would buy the drug tests (they're only about $5.00 a piece) and that he could use this as a negotiation with his dad.

I had spoken with B's dad, this morning, because I was concerned that my son was so quiet and I had not heard from him for three days. I can tell that B's father is wounded. So, am I. I do not wish my son's situation on my worst enemy. While I consider myself to be one of the luckier parents (we have insurance, so he can be admitted into an excellent treatment center), and my son has no arrest records...is not shooting drugs into his veins, is not living on the streets, is not a thief... but, he is still an addict. I also know that if my son does not want to get control of his addiction, he could end up in dire straits.

I do believe that B wants to stay clean. At least he knows that it is dangerous for him to return back to his home turf.

He also mentioned that he saw the man who runs the Sober Living Environment, just a few miles from his treatment center. B had moved in there last May but stayed for two months. That's where he met his roommate that did not work out (another story). He started to tell me that there's a room available but he jumped to another subject. So, I started to tell him some positive things, and then we were cut off. I am guessing that he had to hang up, since he's smuggled his cellphone with him-- which is kinda silly, since the treatment center has a phone that patients are allowed to use, freely. Or, it could be that his battery died.

I feel a little bit better-- hearing B admit that he has a problem, and that he cannot be where I live. Of course, that is followed with sorrow that he might move far away from me.

Still, I am feeling hopeful. I can only pray that his father will make it possible for B to move to Oregon with him.

God has been so merciful. I will wait, I will pray and I will seek God's will.

I love you, son, but "no"

These are words I need to put into practice. Tough love is a difficult thing to do. It makes sense, of course. You love the addict, but you need to disconnect from their manipulative ways. Enabling your addict/child is what every therapist tells you not to do. Yes, that makes sense.

However, it is much easier said than done. I love my son, very much. He knows that, too. I will go as far as saying that I don't think my son is consciously aware that he tries to manipulate me. He's intelligent, he's charming and he has a really warm and friendly smile. I've lost count at how many times, he's made my resolve melt.

This time, I have to be extra strong. As far as I know, B will be discharged from detox (tomorrow, Tuesday) and I am assuming that he is going to be living with his father.

I have also got to disconnect from B's dad. We have been divorced for 12 years. I'm happy that I have found peace in that, and that I do not harbor any hatred or bad feelings towards him. We are simply two very different people. We have both moved on in our lives, re-marrying different people. I am very happy in my marriage. I don't know what goes on in his, and it is none of my business.

I have tried, in vain, to educate B's father on addiction. I need to stop trying to do that. It is for B's father to make his own choices. I don't agree with them, but I will only make myself crazy if I continue to try and explain to B's dad that he is still very co-dependent with my son. He enables him. I know B's dad believes he is doing the right thing, and that he loves his son. I can see the pain and worry that B's father has. What B's dad cannot understand is that he is actually harming my son by enabling him. 'Nuff said.

B knows he can't come to live with me. I would only consider that if he has a job and he pays me rent-- and, he agrees to random drug testing. For those reasons, B cannot live with me.

I am expecting B to need something from me-- usually, it costs money.

I love you son, but the answer is "no".

I am standing by, knowing my phone will ring at anytime.