Sunday, August 15, 2010

Digging Deeper

Wow! It's been almost a month since I last posted.  Life has truly gotten in the way of this blog. That, and a few other things. 

Today, our pastor gave an excellent message based on 2 Corinthians: 12.  This is where the Apostle, Paul writes:

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

For those of you who don't read the bible-- perhaps even don't believe in it-- you might not understand the power in the words above.  For me, this scriptures speaks as to why I am able to cope with the difficult life that I've had.  Before I became a Christian-- 14 years ago-- I was a bitter, and angry woman.  My ongoing transformation as a follower of Jesus, has proven over and over again that God gets me through the hard times.

It is largely for this reason, that I haven't been blogging as often as I once did.  My son isn't out of the woods, by any means.  I am beginning to learn my own healing that comes with detaching from trying to micromanage my son's addiction.  For my own sanity, I assume he's chipping.  I don't see my son working any kind of program that will help him get through temptations.

On the other hand, he's about to have his one year anniversary at the golf course.  It's a job he doesn't like, because of the terrible management.  But he's still there. He's also working his second job at a restaurant. He likes it.  He makes tips-- enough to pay for gas, cigarettes, some fast food.  If he uses it for drugs, it's not my problem. 

What I am thankful for is that B and I have a very close relationship.  His living with us is my opportunity to learn how to listen to him. It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut at his procrastination.  He frustrates me, at times.  I have to remind myself that my wisdom came from years of experience. I have to remember that it is not my job to put my own expectations on him.

B's time of living here is coming close to an end.  My husband agreed to six months, max.  I see his point.
I have a compromise that I hope will spark a fire under my son to try and find a better job.  I have to pray about it, mull it over more and then approach my husband about it.  If it is agreed on, and my son doesn't blow it, he should he enough of a nest egg to try living on his own again.

My husband is right. Sober or not... B is too comfortable living with us.  He needs to have that urgency to be on his own. Whether he relapses again is something I truly understand is entirely up to him.

For me, I know I need to dig much deeper into my relationship with God.  How I wish my son would, too. The other day he said he wanted to be sober long enough before he comes back to his relationship with Jesus.

That makes me sad.  Jesus is a friend to sinners.  I wish my son could understand that the Lord wants us as we are-- sinful, selfish, broken.  He wants to clean us up and renew our lives. 

The Lord did that for me 12 years ago.  I'm no longer the woman I was then.  I'm still a work in progress, but I know where my strength comes from when the hard times hit. I love my friends and family. Ultimately, God's strength outweighs all of them combined. 

I will try and write more often.  I've received lovely private emails and comments (some anonymously).  I am so sorry I haven't written to all of you.  I so want to.  Right now, I'm working ridiculously long hours.

I will say that there are days when I still cry over my son.  I never imagined that my precious boy would be a drug addict. Never.  There are times when I wish it would all stop.  No methadone. No drugs.  I wish he was just a young man, thinking about college and not addicted to drugs and cigarettes.

I do know this. God's Grace on my son was been so good.  I believe in miracles. My son is one of them.

No matter what, I love him with all of my heart.  I also know he loves me.

If only my son could see that Satan is the destroyer and that he needs to find spiritual strength for the times when the temptation comes. I keep praying for me, for him, for you.