I am going to try and keep things brief, tonight. I'm going to be a little cryptic. I will divulge more details when it feels right to do so. You see, I think I had to step back from the way I blog. I admit, that I had fallen into my old ways-- part of my insecurities-- a need to feel "accepted". I invested too much value in wanting to please everyone who is reading my blog. If someone left a comment that might be contrary to my values-- I took it far too personally.
I thank Madison and Fractal Mom-- I truly do. These are two women who come from the voice of wisdom. They wrote lovely emails to me, to help me understand that I people don't mean to hurt my feelings. They care. I understand them.They are right.
Tonight, I want to share things that I see as a blessing-- completely and totally God's work. B called me, yesterday, He was upset. Really upset. His roommate "M" called to say he was going into a five month rehab, his parents paid one month's rent and he was gone. Literally, M is gone from the apartment. Of course, the two of them are on the lease-- and I will investigate the legalities of this...but he's gone. Halleluia!
B was freaking out-- "what am I going to do"? "How will I pay the rent?"
All I could do was smile, over the phone. I felt such joy! I've been praying that God would sever that dysfunctional friendship. You see, "M" had just starting shooting heroin-- about a week ago. He was stealing my son's insulin pens and was totally strung out. That's why B was asking to hang out at our house, because he didn't want to go to the apartment. We didn't let him stay with us, of course. B was distraught, because he says he doesn't want to use. He's supposed to have his intake on Monday morning, for methadone. I have nothing to say about this. My son is 21, and that's the way it is.
I think this is wonderful! M is going to rehab, and I will pray for him. My son is free from living with someone who is bipolar, an alcoholic, a thief, violent and now-- a heroin addict.
I decided to pull some money from B's trust account to buy groceries for him. B has been hungry for almost two weeks. I made this decision, now that M is gone-- who was eating all of B's food, and hanging out at home using drugs and making B's life miserable. My son has the essentials he needs to eat, pack a lunch and that gives me some comfort. I thought of my son, finally sleeping without M being drunk or keeping B up all night long.
This morning, I talked to B. He had gone from despair to hope. He said he cleaned out the filth and drug paraphernalia-- the foil, the pipes, the needles.... he scrubbed and disinfected the toilet and scrubbed the bathroom. I told my son that living alone is a good thing-- it will give B time to think. Quiet is wonderful for our souls-- we need to learn to be alone with ourselves. I've grown to appreciate my quiet times. They're sacred, for me.
My crisis a few days ago, was my son's horrible situation with his roommate and his boss. His boss said some horrible things to him, and B had a fight with his roommate (over the drug use). B was sobbing, saying he felt like his life was a failure. He said he couldn't do anything to please his boss, withing being called a p***sy, or a f***king a**hole. My son sounded so despondent. His sobs were so gut-wrenching that I wanted to hold my baby. But, he was not with me. It broke my heart, and that's when I wrote the 911 post for prayers. Thank you.
I think B is beginning to think in a direction of sobriety. I say this cautiously. B will see if he can get a studio apartment. However, B said that if he gets fired-- and he's convinced his boss is setting him up to quit or to find a reason to fire him-- he would rather "go into a rehab" than live on the streets.
I've asked B to give me space for a while. I told him that his drama is overwhelming my sense of peace. He agrees. I don't want a codependent relationship to start up-- and that's how I was starting to feel, again. Yesterday, my husband and I spent a wonderful afternoon driving to the downtown tourist area where we live-- a famous city on the coast of California. We dined on a lovely lunch and talked. My cellphone was turned off. We sat, at the ocean, and listened to the ocean-- smelling the sea salt, holding hands and kissing. It was something that we haven't done in a while.
Unfortunately, when we got home I heard Brian's despondent message and called him. B has sucked so much of my mental time away from being a wife.
All of last night, I kept smiling, because M is out of my son's life. This is important. Now, the next steps my son takes is entirely up to him.
I'm sorry-- I haven't visited your blogs, dear followers and friends. I'd like to read what everyone's been up to. I will. I've spent this weekend with my husband, relaxing and going to church.
I'll try and reply to each email that I've received, over the week. Tomorrow, I will go to my first Nar-Anon meeting with Chai Latte'.
I'm feeling hopeful today. Your prayers are definitely working. Thank you, and bless you.
I want to say that I'm deeply touched by the private emails I've received. I can't say "thank you" enough. I received one email, in particular, that really helped me to see that there are "faceless" people who read my blog...who say I've touched their lives. It made me cry, but they were tears of gratitude. I truly had no idea.
Here's one email that really lifted my spirits, that I'd like to share. I will keep the writer anonymous.
I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and judged. I read your last night's post, as I do every night. I feel disappointed when you haven't posted. I realized today that reading your posts has been my own personal therapy.
My son is 28 and in a methadone program. He's been taking methadone for 2.5 years, and he no longer uses heroin. He has earned 5 take-home bottles a week, so he has to go to the clinic only twice a week. It has been wonderful to see him slowly work on no longer lying, getting up just a bit earlier, moving away from the people, places, and things that were associated with his old life. But he still lives at home, and he hasn't yet looked for a job. You could say I'm enabling him. I am enjoying his sobriety and his gentle, intelligent company. When he was 5, he repeated kindergarten because we'd been living in another country and he wasn't ready. His teachers called it "the gift of time". That is what he is receiving again.
I think the bloggers who responded to you last night all hold you in high regard. I did not read the comments as judgmental, but just as the "from the heart" comments of people who are doing their best to live with the challenges that both addict and family members face.
I have read your blog every night for a year. It is the first thing I do after dinner. It has given us all strength. I know I could do things differently, but I have no doubt that seeing my son healthy (he has just given up smoking) and hopeful is worth it. Just go on being who you are.
I had no idea, my blog made that kind of impact. Thank you, K. It made me cry, but it was one of appreciation for your kind words. Bless you.