Tuesday, January 19, 2016

...and, he took the bait

It happened.

He relapsed.

That moment that strikes terror into any parent's heart.

I don't know many details right now.  I woke up to a text from B, asking me to "pray for him full force".

As any mother would do, I felt adrenaline rushing through my entire body.   Did he get fired? Did he overdraw his bank account?

It just never occurred to me that drugs would be involved.  Well, maybe a little. But, no. He's been clean for three years now.  He's doing great in new state of Texas.  Sure, he's living at poverty level, but I'm helping him to buy groceries and clothes.

So, I sat and prayed that God would give Brian strength and courage for whatever he is facing. That God would give me the wisdom I need to know what to do-- and what not to do.

I picked up the phone and dialed my son, and he answered.  He was talking fast, because he was at work-- and he shouldn't be on the phone. It all came spilling out so fast, that I couldn't wrap my head around the sentences he was saying.

"Mom, I'm in big trouble".  I wanted to make some fast money, to pay off some debt. I bought the stuff while I was in California.  The guy who was going to buy it flaked. I took the stuff back to Texas. I owe a guy $1500 and I can' t pay him.

All of this dialogue at a rapid pace.

I'm sure my face turned white.  (Breathe...breathe).

I calmly ask him where the stuff was.

"I used it".

And there we have it.

"So, temptation came your way, and you took the bait".

My head is spinning.

It's bad, mom. The guy is pissed and wants his money. He's part of the Mexican cartel.

Oh dear, God. 

The first instinct I have is to transfer the money to him. I have it.

But, then, all that I was told from our drug addiction classes is that I shouldn't do it.

I can't believe he used $1500 worth of heroin in five days. 

"So, are you addicted again? I ask.

(What a stupid question.)  Of course. He's an addict.

He replies that it's been a week since he last used, and he's okay now.

This is the part where my heart breaks all over again.  Heroin isn't that forgiving.  Heroin is like a cancer.  It doesn't let go. It goes into remission, but it lurks and waits... and he took the bait.

I honestly don't know what to do.  The first thing I did was to call his father to tell him that our son is in trouble.  I don't know what his dad can do, and I don't even know why I called him. Was I subconsciously wanting his dad to bail B out of his trouble? He's done it many times, before.

As a mother, the thought of someone hurting my son scares me to death.  With heroin, comes some very dark people who will hurt anyone. They have guns and knives. They have no qualms about killing someone.  I know this sounds melodramatic, but it's true.

All I can do, right now, is pray. I do, every day. I always pray for my son. I always pray that God will protect my son from the darkness that wants him back again.  God gives us free will.  My son made a choice, and he was weak.

It is said in NA meetings that conquering addiction isn't a matter of will.  It's not as simple as saying "I won't do it".  Addiction is a powerful force, and it is something I've always know that my son would have to fight against for the rest of his life. I see in him a spiritual void. I see in my son that he is always looking for a quick fix-- he can't sleep, take a pill. He's stressed, take a pill.  He's had a hard day, have a beer.

I'm most disappointed that his excuse for his decision was to make some quick money to get out of debt.  Tell John DeLorean that.

It has been 45 minutes since I heard my son's boss yelling at him to get off the phone.  So, here I sit, on my drug blog that I've neglected for so long-- because I was so happy that my son was set free from heroin.

I cannot collapse around this.  I freely and trustingly am giving this God-- asking Him for courage, strength and wisdom in this.  I pray that my son's life is not in danger, and that he will find a way out.  He has a tax return he's going to try and cash in.  If all goes well, then that money will cover his debt.

I just emailed my husband.  I didn't want to tell him, but he's my best friend. I told him. He can't talk much, since he's at work.  I could hear the sadness in his voice.

The rain is falling down, hard, and our dry California land desperately needs it. Normally, I would be enjoying the rain, while sipping my coffee and recovering from a bad cold.

But, now, my thoughts are with my son.  I am deeply disappointed in his choice he made. Now, it's backfired.

Dear Father in Heaven. Please, help my son to find a way out. Please, help my son to see the error of his ways and that he would be set free, once again, of his addiction to heroin.  Be his hope, be his strength, and please protect his life.

In Jesus Name. Amen.