Tuesday, January 19, 2016

...and, he took the bait

It happened.

He relapsed.

That moment that strikes terror into any parent's heart.

I don't know many details right now.  I woke up to a text from B, asking me to "pray for him full force".

As any mother would do, I felt adrenaline rushing through my entire body.   Did he get fired? Did he overdraw his bank account?

It just never occurred to me that drugs would be involved.  Well, maybe a little. But, no. He's been clean for three years now.  He's doing great in new state of Texas.  Sure, he's living at poverty level, but I'm helping him to buy groceries and clothes.

So, I sat and prayed that God would give Brian strength and courage for whatever he is facing. That God would give me the wisdom I need to know what to do-- and what not to do.

I picked up the phone and dialed my son, and he answered.  He was talking fast, because he was at work-- and he shouldn't be on the phone. It all came spilling out so fast, that I couldn't wrap my head around the sentences he was saying.

"Mom, I'm in big trouble".  I wanted to make some fast money, to pay off some debt. I bought the stuff while I was in California.  The guy who was going to buy it flaked. I took the stuff back to Texas. I owe a guy $1500 and I can' t pay him.

All of this dialogue at a rapid pace.

I'm sure my face turned white.  (Breathe...breathe).

I calmly ask him where the stuff was.

"I used it".

And there we have it.

"So, temptation came your way, and you took the bait".

My head is spinning.

It's bad, mom. The guy is pissed and wants his money. He's part of the Mexican cartel.

Oh dear, God. 

The first instinct I have is to transfer the money to him. I have it.

But, then, all that I was told from our drug addiction classes is that I shouldn't do it.

I can't believe he used $1500 worth of heroin in five days. 

"So, are you addicted again? I ask.

(What a stupid question.)  Of course. He's an addict.

He replies that it's been a week since he last used, and he's okay now.

This is the part where my heart breaks all over again.  Heroin isn't that forgiving.  Heroin is like a cancer.  It doesn't let go. It goes into remission, but it lurks and waits... and he took the bait.

I honestly don't know what to do.  The first thing I did was to call his father to tell him that our son is in trouble.  I don't know what his dad can do, and I don't even know why I called him. Was I subconsciously wanting his dad to bail B out of his trouble? He's done it many times, before.

As a mother, the thought of someone hurting my son scares me to death.  With heroin, comes some very dark people who will hurt anyone. They have guns and knives. They have no qualms about killing someone.  I know this sounds melodramatic, but it's true.

All I can do, right now, is pray. I do, every day. I always pray for my son. I always pray that God will protect my son from the darkness that wants him back again.  God gives us free will.  My son made a choice, and he was weak.

It is said in NA meetings that conquering addiction isn't a matter of will.  It's not as simple as saying "I won't do it".  Addiction is a powerful force, and it is something I've always know that my son would have to fight against for the rest of his life. I see in him a spiritual void. I see in my son that he is always looking for a quick fix-- he can't sleep, take a pill. He's stressed, take a pill.  He's had a hard day, have a beer.

I'm most disappointed that his excuse for his decision was to make some quick money to get out of debt.  Tell John DeLorean that.

It has been 45 minutes since I heard my son's boss yelling at him to get off the phone.  So, here I sit, on my drug blog that I've neglected for so long-- because I was so happy that my son was set free from heroin.

I cannot collapse around this.  I freely and trustingly am giving this God-- asking Him for courage, strength and wisdom in this.  I pray that my son's life is not in danger, and that he will find a way out.  He has a tax return he's going to try and cash in.  If all goes well, then that money will cover his debt.

I just emailed my husband.  I didn't want to tell him, but he's my best friend. I told him. He can't talk much, since he's at work.  I could hear the sadness in his voice.

The rain is falling down, hard, and our dry California land desperately needs it. Normally, I would be enjoying the rain, while sipping my coffee and recovering from a bad cold.

But, now, my thoughts are with my son.  I am deeply disappointed in his choice he made. Now, it's backfired.

Dear Father in Heaven. Please, help my son to find a way out. Please, help my son to see the error of his ways and that he would be set free, once again, of his addiction to heroin.  Be his hope, be his strength, and please protect his life.

In Jesus Name. Amen.


Private said...

I know you're scared. I know your pain and devastation. Just breathe and take care of yourself. Living in fear. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. I'll be praying for you.

Private said...

I know you're scared. I know your pain and devastation. Just breathe and take care of yourself. Living in fear. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. I'll be praying for you.

Dad and Mom said...

It may be cliche but today is like yesterday. Your son went 3 years clear and sober, he will do it again. He now has to figure out how to deal with the consequences he has brought upon himself.

People that deal drugs are bad folks. Some even worse than bad. Look at who they captured again in Mexico.

From my point of view we all should learn from our past actions, especially us parents. We all have made the same mistakes and truthfully many of them we would make again under the same circumstances. Helping him get out of trouble to the tune of $1500 is a decision only you can make but if that is what you do then do not allow him to skate without paying you back. And be the most hellacious lender he has ever had.

One of those things that we all have issues with, especially our addicted children is asking a simple question and coming up with an honest answer, "What did I learn?" Most of the time we, myself included, formulate the excuses before we ask the question.

Let's start again. A week clear and sober is a new beginning. Hoping for the best.

Bristolvol said...

I am so sorry. I can hear your desperation and feel your heartache. When he was visiting for Christmas, you had a hunch that something was a little off. We know, we are moms. Please take care of yourself. Don't let it consume you. In a way I am glad he reached out to you and told you. I will also pray for your son and for strength and peace for you.

Annette said...

Oh I am so sorry Debby. 3 years is a big deal though. Maybe this will scare him enough that he will stay away from it. Bless you.....I will be praying.

Tom G. said...

Praying for your son. Please Dear God, let him get sober again.


Tom G. said...

Praying for your son. Please Dear God, let him get sober again

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Thank you, all, for your comments and prayers. So much drama going on with my son right now. I'm trying to stay calm, and to lift his spirits as much as I can. He's beating himself up. He doesn't need to. He made a mistake. I told him as long as he learns from it, and focuses on his sobriety again-- then, that's one step forward in the right direction. I will update when I can.

J'Elle Leeds said...

HE WILL GET HEALTHY!! I am an opiate addict, and I will too. Please message me direct or email or check out my posts. I am happy to give u insight from the addict side. I do not give my blog w/ any motive except to give insight thru my own journey. I just said a prayer for you this moment.



Also, are you in Texas? I have a few PHENOMENOL resources.

Much Luv-J

Anonymous said...

just thinking of you.

Lauren said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. He can get sober again. I pray for him and all our children.

BJ Antigua said...

I am so sad to hear about your son. I am not addicted to drugs, but I am 24 years sober in AA. I am trying to help another friend of mine get free from heroin. SO I have been searching for other ways. The treament center thing is a business, based on relapse. Terrible success rate. And if an addict comes off heroin, stays clean for a while, there is ahuge risk for overdose, since their mind is still wanting to use at the last dose they used. Deadly.
Anyway, I have investigated this stuff called Iboga, or Ibogaine. It is an African herb that has been used at least in central america for more than 25 years.The doctor that I spoke with here in Antigua has personally supervised Iboga for 20 years. From all the youtube videos and articles on it, Iboga removes all trace of the craving and withdrawal. The last patient that had at NaturesTreatmentCenter.com said that after 5 days after Iboga, he felt like he had never taken heroin at all, ever. Its not an easy process, and according to the doctor here, the patient needs to be totally supervised every minute for the first week.
Also to consider, is that they say Iboga is only half the process. the other half is helping the addict get at the inner issues that caused him to like the addictive process. Otherwise, a person can be healed, have a transformational inner experience and go home and get hungry for a different easier softer way. Drinking, other drugs, etc.
However, this is a new concept to me. To be freed from the cravings and the withdrawal. This center near me has a facebook page as well that is loaded with articles on Iboga, Ibogaine and how it works.
Good Luch, I will also be praying for you and your son.