Friday with my son....at least, I hope so

I feel as though my battery is running low. Yesterday, I was flushed and feeling a little "off".  When I get home, last night, I made homemade chicken soup and went to be early. I was too tired to blog, watch TV or do much of anything else.

I try to reply to the comments that are left by you readers, but I'm so tired when I get home that I don't do it as often as I want to. Thank you so much. I read each of your comments, and consider what you are trying to say. There is so much wisdom and support that each of you generously leaves. I appreciate hearing the points of view from parents and I especially appreciate hearing the perspectives from recovering addicts. 

My son called me, yesterday. He was upset that his doctor won't renew his prescription for suboxone because he has not been in to see him for three months. B called me, sounding very upset. B had a doctor's appointment that he "forgot" about. Now, the next opening isn't for three weeks and the office basically acts like "oh well".  They're not a friendly office. In fact, they're downright rude. But, they are the only certified doctor to prescribe suboxone where we live. I wish another doctor would come into town and give this office some competition. But, that's just me...

"Mom, I'm scared".  "I can't make it past five days", my son lamented.

You need help, B but you won't seek it-- is all I could think.

Let me pause right there-- 
I am fully aware that my son is trying-- without any success-- to work his own program. B has talked himself into a million reasons why "meetings" don't work.  He has a sponsor who has way too much personal drama in his life. My son's life is spiraling into complete danger.  B knows what to do. He learned it in April 2008, at his treatment center. My son did really well while he was in rehab. He's smart. He knows all the sayings of the program. He was all about "the program". He stayed sober for six months.  I have paid for counselors. I have taken my son to meetings. I've even set up "rewards" (privileges) if he went to meetings. I've drug tested him. 

B cannot seem to let go of his "past"-- those friends that he used with.  For six months, B lived away from here. Still, he admits he would drive 2 hours back to his home turf.  So, my son relapsed after six months. He did another stint in rehab one year ago, at this time. He used drug inside the treatment center. So, you see? B isn't necessarily safe in a treatment center.

My son needs to learn how to be safe with himself, no matter where he is!

I know that the best thing for B would be to go into a treatment center and then an SLE for one year. There's a good chance I can get my son into "Rescue Mission", located in the Bay Area of California. There, my son can live for FREE for one year.  But B won't do it. He says the area "isn't nice". (Really, and your life is all roses?)  He says that he doesn't want to live with a bunch of junkies. (Really? And you are...?)  I've heard of Teen Challenge.  B's friend "Z" spent a year there. Z came back clean and sober and on fire for Jesus. It is "Z" who offered my son free heroin if he'd hook him up with his connection. Z spews out scripture and goes to church, then uses heroin.

I found such hope that my son was working, got his own apartment and that he wasn't using. But he admits that he can't stay clean for seven days. He made it to fifteen days, and then his friend seduced him. It takes two, I know...

Back to my son's call--

Finally, I said to B, "I can't help you. I can only be a compassionate voice".

There was a pause. I had a feeling that my son was hoping I'd offer to buy him suboxone at full price. I won't. First, I can't afford that luxury. Secondly-- my son was irresponsible with his suboxone. Whether his roommate stole them, or my son sold them is irrelevant. Had my son been more careful, knowing that his roommate is a thief, he would still have suboxone.  I didn't say this out, loud of course. I'm just letting you (readers) know my thoughts.

Then I said, "If  "M" (his roommate) is such a good friend, then it is his responsibility to replace the subs that he stole from you.".

Silence.

"I'm sorry, honey. I can hear your frustration and fear. You need help, and you need to find a way to not need suboxone. Your insurance is finished in two months."  NOTE: My son's COBRA will increase to $800.00 a month, and we cannot afford that. As it is, we are paying $400.00 a month.

"Yeah", he said, sadly.

"I'm sorry, hon. I really am".

I didn't hear from my son all day on Thursday. As I laid in bed, I prayed for my son. I can't imagine that B has any peace in his head.

I'm supposed to pick B up at 6:00, tonight.  I plan to take him to his apartment to gather up his dirty laundry. My son's clothing  looks unkempt. He has no money or car to get to a laundromat.  I will cook dinner for my son, and let him take a good shower. My son doesn't shower for weeks, but he doesn't stink. I don't know why. It grosses me out, but that's how he's been for quite some time. 

It is my hope that I can try and put aside my son's drug addiction, and have a small amount of family time. It will be "pretend", but dinner in our home is about conversation. When B was a little boy, I never allowed the TV to be on.  Dinner = family time.  How I long to spend time with my son, where we're not talking about drugs!

I hope that my son can enjoy a homecooked meal and take home clean smelling clothes. I'll drive him home, tell him I love him and pray he gets some sleep.

But, anything can happen. When my son is withdrawing, it's so painful to see. Sometimes, he can't eat.  He sleeps a lot.

My son turns 21 on Sunday.  It seems that B has taken a detour from the path that God  set before him. I pray that my son will find his way back to that road that is lit by God's perfect light.

Stay tuned...