Friday, October 30, 2009

Friday with my least, I hope so

I feel as though my battery is running low. Yesterday, I was flushed and feeling a little "off".  When I get home, last night, I made homemade chicken soup and went to be early. I was too tired to blog, watch TV or do much of anything else.

I try to reply to the comments that are left by you readers, but I'm so tired when I get home that I don't do it as often as I want to. Thank you so much. I read each of your comments, and consider what you are trying to say. There is so much wisdom and support that each of you generously leaves. I appreciate hearing the points of view from parents and I especially appreciate hearing the perspectives from recovering addicts. 

My son called me, yesterday. He was upset that his doctor won't renew his prescription for suboxone because he has not been in to see him for three months. B called me, sounding very upset. B had a doctor's appointment that he "forgot" about. Now, the next opening isn't for three weeks and the office basically acts like "oh well".  They're not a friendly office. In fact, they're downright rude. But, they are the only certified doctor to prescribe suboxone where we live. I wish another doctor would come into town and give this office some competition. But, that's just me...

"Mom, I'm scared".  "I can't make it past five days", my son lamented.

You need help, B but you won't seek it-- is all I could think.

Let me pause right there-- 
I am fully aware that my son is trying-- without any success-- to work his own program. B has talked himself into a million reasons why "meetings" don't work.  He has a sponsor who has way too much personal drama in his life. My son's life is spiraling into complete danger.  B knows what to do. He learned it in April 2008, at his treatment center. My son did really well while he was in rehab. He's smart. He knows all the sayings of the program. He was all about "the program". He stayed sober for six months.  I have paid for counselors. I have taken my son to meetings. I've even set up "rewards" (privileges) if he went to meetings. I've drug tested him. 

B cannot seem to let go of his "past"-- those friends that he used with.  For six months, B lived away from here. Still, he admits he would drive 2 hours back to his home turf.  So, my son relapsed after six months. He did another stint in rehab one year ago, at this time. He used drug inside the treatment center. So, you see? B isn't necessarily safe in a treatment center.

My son needs to learn how to be safe with himself, no matter where he is!

I know that the best thing for B would be to go into a treatment center and then an SLE for one year. There's a good chance I can get my son into "Rescue Mission", located in the Bay Area of California. There, my son can live for FREE for one year.  But B won't do it. He says the area "isn't nice". (Really, and your life is all roses?)  He says that he doesn't want to live with a bunch of junkies. (Really? And you are...?)  I've heard of Teen Challenge.  B's friend "Z" spent a year there. Z came back clean and sober and on fire for Jesus. It is "Z" who offered my son free heroin if he'd hook him up with his connection. Z spews out scripture and goes to church, then uses heroin.

I found such hope that my son was working, got his own apartment and that he wasn't using. But he admits that he can't stay clean for seven days. He made it to fifteen days, and then his friend seduced him. It takes two, I know...

Back to my son's call--

Finally, I said to B, "I can't help you. I can only be a compassionate voice".

There was a pause. I had a feeling that my son was hoping I'd offer to buy him suboxone at full price. I won't. First, I can't afford that luxury. Secondly-- my son was irresponsible with his suboxone. Whether his roommate stole them, or my son sold them is irrelevant. Had my son been more careful, knowing that his roommate is a thief, he would still have suboxone.  I didn't say this out, loud of course. I'm just letting you (readers) know my thoughts.

Then I said, "If  "M" (his roommate) is such a good friend, then it is his responsibility to replace the subs that he stole from you.".


"I'm sorry, honey. I can hear your frustration and fear. You need help, and you need to find a way to not need suboxone. Your insurance is finished in two months."  NOTE: My son's COBRA will increase to $800.00 a month, and we cannot afford that. As it is, we are paying $400.00 a month.

"Yeah", he said, sadly.

"I'm sorry, hon. I really am".

I didn't hear from my son all day on Thursday. As I laid in bed, I prayed for my son. I can't imagine that B has any peace in his head.

I'm supposed to pick B up at 6:00, tonight.  I plan to take him to his apartment to gather up his dirty laundry. My son's clothing  looks unkempt. He has no money or car to get to a laundromat.  I will cook dinner for my son, and let him take a good shower. My son doesn't shower for weeks, but he doesn't stink. I don't know why. It grosses me out, but that's how he's been for quite some time. 

It is my hope that I can try and put aside my son's drug addiction, and have a small amount of family time. It will be "pretend", but dinner in our home is about conversation. When B was a little boy, I never allowed the TV to be on.  Dinner = family time.  How I long to spend time with my son, where we're not talking about drugs!

I hope that my son can enjoy a homecooked meal and take home clean smelling clothes. I'll drive him home, tell him I love him and pray he gets some sleep.

But, anything can happen. When my son is withdrawing, it's so painful to see. Sometimes, he can't eat.  He sleeps a lot.

My son turns 21 on Sunday.  It seems that B has taken a detour from the path that God  set before him. I pray that my son will find his way back to that road that is lit by God's perfect light.

Stay tuned...


Midnitefyrfly said...

It's so hard to put myself in your shoes. What is almost sickening is that I can jump right back into B's shoes and take my mind on a quick little run, no problem.

Myself and most addicts that I hung with, didn't see ourselves as addicts. That is unless saying so would get us something. He just hasn't come full circle and even the withdrawals are not uncomfortable enough to never want to do it again.

It does sound like he is mentally evolving to the point where he is really realizing this isn't working and that he wants a life outside of using.

Getting there is going to be the hardest part of the journey. I really believe you are maintaining as healthy as possible of a relationship as you can.

I will continue hoping for you both.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

You're doing a great job as a mom, Debby. I wish you had access to our doctor, Dr. Yang (Irvine, CA) because he is very caring and understands the addiction. Will you see B on his birthday? I hope he can see it as a new start, a good chapter.

LisaC said...

My belief is that God is sending the right message to "B" and my Bryan and our other children that are trapped by opiates (heroine) and other drugs. The noise level from the addiction gets in the way and blocks God's love and support for them. As I am praying for Bryan while he is detoxing in this inpatient treatment center (his first time doing anything inpatient), I am praying for B and his co-users (I can't call them friends), and I am praying for you, Debby, and for all the other parents we know that are trapped in addiction with their users. I think you are INCREDIBLY STRONG, honest and are an amazing mom to your son. Hang in there. If God can get through to him and he eventually turns around, he will some day thank you. And the most incredible thing of all, is you are not loving him and praying for him and providing appropriate support for a thank you. You are doing it simply because you are a mom and you love him. God bless you!

Madison said...

Because of your prayers, I know God will never stop trying to reach B. He needs a miracle. These drugs are really something. Sounds like he's still thinking that if he could just find that perfect mix, the perfect doctor, the perfect price, all will be well. Take care of yourself in these stressful times.

DreamDancer said...

I can nearly feel your pain and frustration by reading your posts. I've been there, I know. I'm still there. I pray for you and your son.

Angelo said...

You and your son maybe interested in this. If he qualifies he can get suboxone for free. Also, each doctor is suppose offer 1 patient free suboxone if they qualify. There is a letter you can give the doctor which can be downloaded from the internet. This is 2 separate. programs. I will find the link for the letter.


Patient Assistance Program

Patient assistance programs (PAPs) are programs created by drug companies, such as RECKITT BENCKISER, to offer free or low cost drugs to individuals who are unable to pay for their medication. These Programs may also be called indigent drug programs, charitable drug programs or medication assistance programs. Most of the best known and most prescribed drugs can be found in these programs. All of the major drug companies have patient assistance programs, although every company has different eligibility and application requirements.

The RECKITT BENCKISER patient assistance program offers free medication to people who otherwise cannot afford their medications. Patients must meet financial and other program specific criteria to be eligible for assistance.

To find out how to apply for medication assistance from the RECKITT BENCKISER patient assistance program, visit our Patient Center and use our Database to search for the medication needed.

For a complete listing of RECKITT BENCKISER medications available through their patient assistance programs, see below:

Suboxone Patient Assistance Program
The medications available through this program are:
Suboxone (buprenorphine hcl)
Suboxone Patient Assistance Program, a patient assistance program provided by Reckitt Benckiser, offers a month long supply of Suboxone at no cost to those who are eligible for the program. Eligibility is based off of the following requirements:

- You must not be covered by private or public health insurance.

- You must have an annual income less than or equal to: $25,000 for an individual, $34,500 for a family consisting of two members, and $43,000 for a family consisting of three members.

- You must be at least sixteen years of age.

The medication must be sent to the physicians office.

Those eligible for Medicare Part D but not enrolled may still be eligible.


Angelo said...

This was from a doctor I talked to in another forum. It's about suboxone being available as a generic now for $2.45 a pill. I'm so happy as I am on suboxone to.I just got off the phone with Roxane Labs, the only approved manufacturer of generic Subutex and the product IS available in all 50 states. It is available to pharmacies and dr offices direct from the manufacturer as well as from all major distributors. There is an ample supply available and is not on back order.

Opiate addicts taking Suboxone are hoping for a drop in price with the announcement of new generic medication from Roxane Pharmaceuticals
I called around to the major pharmacy chains and all three can order the drug (CVS, Walgreens, and Wal-Mart). None, at least in the New Jersey, keep it in stock because of its “orphan drug” status; however most can have it within 24 hours. (Only one of the pharmacists I spoke with actually offered to “pre-order” the drug before the rx was presented- the rest said because of security they do not order scheduled rx’s until the script is presented.
Also, anyone who has rx insurance and pays co-pays based on a drug’s status as generic or brand name (or a tiered system), the Roxane formulation WILL process as a generic. I did ask the drug rep at Roxane if they were also seeking approval for the generic formulation of Suboxone, but they said that it was confidential information, but that if they do it will be announced by the FDA if and when it is approved = YES THEY ARE…
I wanted to email this to you in case you wanted to share it on the Subox blog. And, the doc I attached is the drug info from Roxane.
Anyway this might all be old news, but I wanted to share it with you in case you wanted to pass it on to others.

Anonymous said...

I always know when my son is actively using oxycontin because of the lack of hygeine. A dead giveaway. I pray for you and all of mothers of addicts.

Anonymous said...

I am 45 years old. I have a 19 year old son whose drug of NO CHOICE is opiates. He was taking 40pills a day before he went to his first treatment center. Over time, he relapsed and progressed to heroin. He's presently in long term treatment (which I can only hope will help) for this problem. He is only 19. He's been addictd since he was 17 after a surgery. This is his 10th treatment center. Relapse is a constant fear of mine. Reading your blog breaks my heart. I am a broken mother just as you. I have never been good at understanding this "boundary" issue that you were talking about as as far as where to stop providing. The serenity prayer left me questioning what can I change and what can I not change. I've been though it all, Al-Anon, therapy, you name it. It's just hard and until someone is in our shoes they will never understand the pain, grief and loss that we experience. God bless you fellow parent. Every day I pray for a cure for addition. I don't see that on Obama's list of things to do though, so I place it in my Higher Power's hands. I will keep in touch with your blog and pray for you and your son :). Peace and Love! Take care of yourself!

addiction center said...

To be a mother is the most noble job in the world and you're doing it well. Oftentimes, it takes a lot of courage, strength and faith in God to overcome all of these obstacles you're going through right now! God bless you and your family.