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My husband and I are laughing at ourselves. It's 8:30pm on New Year's Eve. We both went swimming (one of the good things of living in California), and took a jacuzzi together, late this afternoon. I had plans to make a fancy dinner to enjoy at home. Out of character, for me, I opted to make a nice sandwich and two cold beers, rather than scurrying about in the kitchen. Now, we're both in our pajamas with his and her laptops. Wow! We're really living it up!
I had a bit of a temper meltdown, this morning. It had something to do with my son, and his inability to get information accurately. I won't get into the details, because I've worked through it. As I drove into town, alone, it gave me time to calm down. I began to focus on the new calves in the green pastures along the highway between our home and 20 miles to downtown. I hope to work on not letting my buttons be pushed to the point that I get really worked up about it. By counting my blessings, out loud, I could feel my anger dissipate and I was able to enjoy the rest of today-- the last day of 2009.
2009 has been an interesting year. Most of it was all about B. It was a year of giving my son so many chances to stay sober. As I reviewed most of my blogs, I could read the hope I had for him. I blogged with so much enthusiasm-- desperately hoping that my son was going to be able to keep away from drugs.
Sadly, my son was asked to move out at the end of August. When I review a lot of my blog entries, I see so much drama. The longest my son could stay sober, averaged 5 days. I lost track of how many times he relapsed.
Within the last couple of weeks, things have quieted down with my son. That doesn't mean that all is well. I think that I've limited how much I'm going to publicly share about our personal lives. I'm limiting how much time I will spend on this blog-- as well as my "other" food blog. I was spending to much time blogging, and my husband deserves my attention a lot more.
B has taken baby steps forward, and he's been knocked back by many miles. It's been a roller coaster ride, for sure!
As of today, here is an update on my son:
He has his car back, and it's insured and all legitimate. This is possible, because of his small trust fund that I oversee. I can only pray that his car will be a tool to find a better paying job... I won't allow myself to think negative thoughts on how the car could be used. I can only pray that is all in my son's past. No further comment.
My son got his job back, two weeks ago. He went in for his final paycheck (another labor law broken, as a final check is due within 72 hours of being fired) a week after he got fired. His boss asked him to come back.
. Go figure. It's a blessing, in that B is able to pay his rent, have a little money for food, and afford the car insurance. I found a good rate for him through our state automobile association. It's his own policy, and I'm not on it.
B is legally on methadone. He really likes his counselor a lot. My son signed a release so that I could go in, directly, to pay for it. The money comes from his trust account, not my wallet. They women, who work in the office, love him. I used to hearing that, because he is very friendly and likable.
B's roommate is working out, so far. B seems to like his apartment again.
My son is struggling, to make ends meet. He's always broke. I do believe, that because of the methadone, that he is no longer using heroin. I almost see the son that I knew back.
I get frustrated with his inability to manage his life. He still struggles with being punctual (except for work). He still doesn't follow through on things that need to be done. He still doesn't manage his diabetes well, but I can only hope he'll start to take better care of himself.
I try to understand that, a struggling addict like my son, can only focus on one thing at a time. My son is struggling to find a way to be free of using drugs. For the record, I wish my son could endure the pain of withdrawals so that he can clean his body of the poison he's used for five years. The reality is, my son cannot bear the thought of it. He is not ready, and I have accepted that there is nothing I can say or do to change that.
What I have seen is a closeness between my son and me, that was never there before. I have learned to make peace with my son's disease. I have reached a point, in my life, where I am seeing a 6'3 young man of 21 years. I'm beginning to find the strength to let go-- in that, I have adjusted to his not living with me anymore. I can sense that my son is very happy living on his own. I see a few snippets of maturity in my son. By that, he is finally appreciating all the creature comforts that he had in our home. He no longer has cable television, video games, a fully stocked kitchen nor a quiet house to life in. He's learning what it's like to have noisy neighbors, no food watching BBC television-- because it's the only channel that comes in, without cable.
B did join us for Christmas Eve church service and dinner. He was sweet and very gracious. He received grocery store gift cards, and some clothing. He was very grateful for it.
B couldn't buy us gifts. I didn't mind, at all. I've reached a point in my life, where Christmas gifts aren't important to me. I told my son, that the greatest gift he could give me would be to spend Christmas 2010 with one year of sobriety. I would be so happy if my son found a job that he enjoyed and did well-- that he would remain debt-free, drug free and that he was safe and had a clean criminal record.
I am three hours away from getting used to writing "2010" on my checks. I pray that the coming year will be filled with more victories in the fight against addiction.
I pray that I will continue to be supportive of my son, without enabling him. I pray for all of you who read my blog. Thank you, for a year of support and encouragement.
May this be a year of victories for all of us!