Sunday, August 15, 2010

Digging Deeper

Wow! It's been almost a month since I last posted.  Life has truly gotten in the way of this blog. That, and a few other things. 

Today, our pastor gave an excellent message based on 2 Corinthians: 12.  This is where the Apostle, Paul writes:

7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

For those of you who don't read the bible-- perhaps even don't believe in it-- you might not understand the power in the words above.  For me, this scriptures speaks as to why I am able to cope with the difficult life that I've had.  Before I became a Christian-- 14 years ago-- I was a bitter, and angry woman.  My ongoing transformation as a follower of Jesus, has proven over and over again that God gets me through the hard times.

It is largely for this reason, that I haven't been blogging as often as I once did.  My son isn't out of the woods, by any means.  I am beginning to learn my own healing that comes with detaching from trying to micromanage my son's addiction.  For my own sanity, I assume he's chipping.  I don't see my son working any kind of program that will help him get through temptations.

On the other hand, he's about to have his one year anniversary at the golf course.  It's a job he doesn't like, because of the terrible management.  But he's still there. He's also working his second job at a restaurant. He likes it.  He makes tips-- enough to pay for gas, cigarettes, some fast food.  If he uses it for drugs, it's not my problem. 

What I am thankful for is that B and I have a very close relationship.  His living with us is my opportunity to learn how to listen to him. It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut at his procrastination.  He frustrates me, at times.  I have to remind myself that my wisdom came from years of experience. I have to remember that it is not my job to put my own expectations on him.

B's time of living here is coming close to an end.  My husband agreed to six months, max.  I see his point.
I have a compromise that I hope will spark a fire under my son to try and find a better job.  I have to pray about it, mull it over more and then approach my husband about it.  If it is agreed on, and my son doesn't blow it, he should he enough of a nest egg to try living on his own again.

My husband is right. Sober or not... B is too comfortable living with us.  He needs to have that urgency to be on his own. Whether he relapses again is something I truly understand is entirely up to him.

For me, I know I need to dig much deeper into my relationship with God.  How I wish my son would, too. The other day he said he wanted to be sober long enough before he comes back to his relationship with Jesus.

That makes me sad.  Jesus is a friend to sinners.  I wish my son could understand that the Lord wants us as we are-- sinful, selfish, broken.  He wants to clean us up and renew our lives. 

The Lord did that for me 12 years ago.  I'm no longer the woman I was then.  I'm still a work in progress, but I know where my strength comes from when the hard times hit. I love my friends and family. Ultimately, God's strength outweighs all of them combined. 

I will try and write more often.  I've received lovely private emails and comments (some anonymously).  I am so sorry I haven't written to all of you.  I so want to.  Right now, I'm working ridiculously long hours.

I will say that there are days when I still cry over my son.  I never imagined that my precious boy would be a drug addict. Never.  There are times when I wish it would all stop.  No methadone. No drugs.  I wish he was just a young man, thinking about college and not addicted to drugs and cigarettes.

I do know this. God's Grace on my son was been so good.  I believe in miracles. My son is one of them.

No matter what, I love him with all of my heart.  I also know he loves me.

If only my son could see that Satan is the destroyer and that he needs to find spiritual strength for the times when the temptation comes. I keep praying for me, for him, for you.


Fractalmom said...

I understand. However, if he IS using and living at home, and the cops come, and there is drug stuff there, YOU and your husband can both be charged, and lose your house. IT might be a good idea to consider that. The chances are slim, but they EXIST.

Brother Frankie said...

the verse you chose is life sustaining..

and this statement.."The other day he said he wanted to be sober long enough before he comes back to his relationship with Jesus."

being a preacher/pastor to addicts and homeless, i could preach hundreds of sermons on why you cannot wait..

i am praying
Brother Frankie

Kristi (Jake's Mom) said...

I too am a believer and God is my hope and my refuge in this storm. Through the years I’ve had several conversations with my son about how he can’t do this (stop using permanently) without God, but through Him ALL things are possible. For a long time Jake’s problem was that he didn’t feel he was “worthy” of God because of things he’d done in his addiction. I’ve told him more than once that it is at these times that he needs God the most and that God is right there waiting on him to turn to Him. God transforms lives!! Jacob is a spiritual person and he’s come a long way from that point of feeling unworthy, but he’s still not totally there yet. I continue to pray for us all!!

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear you are working on your own recovery, I have been nudged by God to also begin my own recovery. My son's is up to him and mine is up to me. I'm kinda a "sandwich" person here as my husband is an alcoholic, so I have two addicts I live with. My faith and my church family have kept me sane and strong over the years, I truly thank God for moving me halfway across the country 26 years ago.

Also glad things have been quiet enough that you have not felt the need to blog frequently. Boring routine can be good!

CT Heroin Mom

Tori said...

I think it is great that you put a time frame on your son living with you. I had to have my son leave just to have some peace. He says he isn't using but I don't know. He is still taking that suboxon (?) to stay off of oxi but he is not working any program and still has so many issues he needs to work on. Having your child live with you or not is a very personal decision. You have to do what is right for your family with the knowledge you have at that time. The fact that he is working is quite impressive.

Cheri said...

You said: "My ongoing transformation as a follower of Jesus, has proven over and over again that God gets me through the hard times."

Debby, that has been my experience, too. I have to remind myself that our transformation is an ongoing process, or I can get impatient with myself . . . and the process.

You also said: "The other day [B] said he wanted to be sober long enough before he comes back to his relationship with Jesus.

"That makes me sad. Jesus is a friend to sinners. I wish my son could understand that the Lord wants us as we are-- sinful, selfish, broken. He wants to clean us up and renew our lives."

There is such freedom in letting go and realizing that we can never make ourselves good enough to come to God; that's why He came to us! I'll be praying B comes to understand this truth, that shame will be broken off him.

I agree with you that B is a miracle.

Standing with you for a complete manifestation of God's healing work in his life.


PS - My book went to the publisher and should be available sometime this fall. Thanks for your prayers as I pushed through and got it done.

Anonymous said...

I feel like I'm reading my story. Thanks for your transparency.

Anonymous said...

I've been and will continue to pray for your family, esp for B.

Thank you for sharing you story because our family is going through this also with our son.