How to be clean and dirty at the same time

I am totally perplexed. Honestly, I do not know what to say or think.

My husband found a lot of really incriminating evidence. It doesn't look good. We found foils with traces of heroin, straws in all kinds of places in B's room. They weren't hidden very well. They were in the trash and under his bed. When we confronted them, he said they were old things.

When I asked him why he would keep these things he said that he was afraid to throw them out-- for fear that we'd thnk they were new. Of course, we asked for a urine test. We had him come out of the bedroom in his boxers. B asked if I wanted to frisk him, but it felt too weird.

I use drugs tests that his doctor confirms are accurate. I buy them online. It comes with a sealed cup and a temperature monitor. My husband used my accurate food thermomenter (Ewwwwww) and it was 103F. This made my husband very nervous. My husband also said that the urine looked really cloudy-- with a lot of sediment.

The test came out clean for THC, Cocaine and Opiates.

What is going on? To make things worse, my husband inspected B's golf bag. He found a bottle that smelled and looked like a small trace of urine. The lid had burn marks. So, is it possible that he's storing clean pee and heating it with a lighter? Is he sneaking this into the bathroom?

What's really weird is that I had another of of my dreams-- just like when I was in Hawaii last October. In Hawaii, I dreamed that my son was laughing at me and saying he'd be using all the time. It was such a vivid dream, that I woke up with a terrible sense of forboding. I blogged about that-- that I turned on my cellphone to talk to my son. B told me it freaked him out, because that was the very day he started using again.

Last Monday, I had a similar dream. I dreamt that my son was laughing at me, saying that he'd been lying about his sobriety this whole time.

I told my husband and B that I'd had another one of those dreams. I've been watching B all week. He seems nervous -- smoking a lot more cigarettes than usual. He's been nodding off-- with his mouth open. This is typical behavior of someone who is using. How do I know this? At B's treatment center, this is how many of the addicts look during the meetings we attended. Those who were going through detox kept nodding off-- their heads bobbing up and then they'd nod out again.

All of this week, B has been gone more-- ever since he got his car insurance back.

Things are worse, too. B is in debt again. Not a whole lot. In some ways, it could be innocent. He missed out on four days of work, due to illness. So, his paycheck has been short. I've made him pay rent anyway, because that's the way life is. My son hates being without money, so he borrows from friends. He's been playing golf, which I know he could not afford.

He finally told me, today, that he's been stressing about it. He wrote a check at his job for $40.00, but his bank account is overdrawn by $20.00. I prayed about it, and loaned him the money to pay this off, so he wouldn't get fired. The last thing my son needs is to lose his job. In return, he wrote that he agrees to hand over his paycheck to me and I will handle his finances until all debt is wiped clean again. Plus, we took his golf clubs as collateral.

Then again, he could be in debt because he's using.

To add insult to injury, his job just called. All employees who work the lotto booth, at his job, are called in for an emergency meeting $800.00 has gone missing from the lotto booth-- all during a power failure yesterday. The cameras were out during these two hours. B is a nervous wreck.

My son is an addict and he lies. But, I can say that my son is not a thief. If he was, I would have found money missing long ago. My son has never stolen cash from us, nor any kind of valuables. I know this, for a fact. I've never found cameras, computers, laptops, jewelry, checks nor cash missing. Ever. B chose, instead, to fund his drug addiction by selling his own possession and/or dealing drugs.

B says that a new guy was hired, who he thought was kind of shady. Perhaps this guy is the thief. If my son is innocent, we reminded him that he can't be fired for lack of proof. Still, it's all too much for me.

If anyone, who is a drug addict, is reading this-- please enlighten me on how someone can test clean but use drugs at the same time. And, if I see my son taking suboxone under his tongue and that he can't talk because it's dissolving-- can you still smoke heroin?

Dear God,

I am praying for truth. I am praying that you will reveal, to my son, that you are an all-knowing and all-seeing God. I pray that my son will admit the truth to himself and to you. I pray, Lord, that you will reveal the truth to us-- his mom and his stepdad. If my son is really using drugs, I pray that you will give us courage, strength and wisdom to know what to do. If my son has relapsed, again, I pray that he will find the strength to seek the professional help that he needs. If my son is telling the truth, and he is not using drugs, I pray that you will help us to encourage him with his sobriety.

I pray for the addicts who are struggling with their sobriety, Lord. I pray that you will help them to know that nothing is impossible for you-- and that they would come before You, Almighty Father-- and know that you love them and that can help them to battle the demon of addiction.

I pray for the family and loved ones of drug addicts. I pray that God will give them encouragement and wisdom.

I will post an update as soon as I know what's going on. To my family and loved ones-- please don't call me about this. I do not want to talk about it. I appreciate your prayers and your love. Just read the blog. This is why I started this over a year ago.

I am afraid, yet I know that God is with me.