Monday, January 16, 2012

Is God Using Me to Help Despairing Parents of Drug Addicts? My Story... Part 1

It has been almost four years, since I first discovered that my son was addicted to drugs.  Three of them were pure hell.  Scratch that. The first year was totally agony for me. It was heartbreaking, and I was scared for my son-- and myself.

I can clearly remember the day that my son's addiction hit a wall.  It was the day that his father called me, because his car had broken down in the East side of town.  His father was taking my son to buy heroin. Only his father thought he was helping him to buy "hash".

Did your jaw drop, reading this?

In looking back, I can understand why his father (we've been divorced since my son was eight years old) felt he had to help my son buy drugs.  I'm not saying it was right.  But, you see, when you love your child more than anything on earth-- it makes you do things to protect them from harm.

When I go back to read my first entry on my blog, I can clearly remember how afraid and confused that I was.  I honestly and truly had no idea what oxycontin was.  Nor did I know much about heroin.  Sure, I've seen pictures (and movies) of junkies shooting up heroin.  But, I had no idea that one could smoke it.  Neither did my son's father.  He had found the crumpled up pieces of foil, with the tell-tale traces of that ugly black stripe. It's called a "trail".  B's father bought my son's lie that it was "hash".

So, here I sit, with a heavy heart.  It's not my son who is the cause of it.  It's that I'm starting to get daily private emails from parents who are just beginning my journey.   When I read them, I am filled with deep sorrow for them.  I can read their pain.  They ask me if I can help them. They don't know where to start, or where to go.

If you are new to my blog, then I am glad that you found me.  Who am I?  How can I help? Do I really have enough wisdom that I can give them good advice?

I am a mother of a 23 year old son, who has struggled with drug addiction since he was in middle school.  He is my only son.  I have no college degree. I have been working since I was 11 years old, because my mother owned a business that was food-related.  I am the child of parents who divorced when I was 14, and I could not have been happier.

I will stop right there. I'm going to jump into a new direction, but I'll return here.

I have always loved to write. Writing has been my way of expressing my feelings.  I've always been an avid reader.  Reading fiction, as a little girl, was always my way of escape.  I've been told that my writing style is very raw.  In some ways, it is.   I type faster than I can write, from years and years of jobs related to the secretarial field.  That's why I jump around, so please bear with me.

I want to share my life story with you, and it might take a few entries. There is a reason why I feel I need to do this.    I want to share the story of how my life was a total mess, until I became a Christian in 1996.  There is a purpose to why I feel so compelled to do this.  I hope that by sharing my own story is that you can better understand why I believe that God carried me through this entire painful process of my son's drug addiction. 

I have a testimony to share, and I want to do it.  I'm quite sure that I'm not some lunatic who claims that I hear the voice of God.  I don't believe that I'm a religious fanatic, who wants to climb up on a pulpit to try and convert all of you to becoming a Jesus Freak.

I am a woman, in her mid-fifties, who has survived through physical child abuse, abusive relationships, three divorces (there, I said it).  As a result, I have battled against insecurities about myself, low self-esteem, anger management issues and honesty.  It wasn't until 1996 that my own life had hit rock-bottom, and that's when I went to church for the first time in 20 years. I had turned my back on the hypocritical Catholic upbringing I had been raised with.  I finally found out who God really is, and I became a believer. That journey has been equally hard, and I still struggle with living my life according to God's will.

I wanted to be a mom.  I wanted it desperately. I loved the first years of raising my son.  I loved being the center of my son's universe, during those toddler years. He was such a perfect little child. 

I made plenty of mistakes as a parent.  In looking back, my anger issues and child abuse, made me lose patience with my son more often than I should have. But, I cannot blame my mistakes on his addiction.

I'm  going to stop right here. For now. I have led up to one very important point, in this brief intro do my life.

No matter what mistakes I made, as a parent, it is not my fault that my son is a drug addict.  I'm leaving to take my son to get his car fixed.  While we're in the car, on the return trip, I'm going to tell B that we need to sit down and I'd like to start sharing his side of the story. 

I do believe that God wants to use my story to help others. I feel it so deeply, and only a believer in Christ can understand exactly what I am saying.  I don't hear God's voice, audibly.  But, I can feel his prompting to do something.  I've thought of abandoning my blog, because I got tired of reliving all the drama of B's story.  My readership had declined. 

However, my readership is going up again.  I'm getting the emails that I mentioned at the beginning of this post. 

I have a story to share, and there are so many hurting parents who don't know what to do.  I'm not a licensed counselor. I'm not a medical professional.  I'm a God-believing, Jesus Loving  mom, who has found acceptance in my son's situation.  Today, my son is not using and I thank God for that. His battle isn't over.  He has good days. He has bad days. 

My son reads my blog now, and I share the emails with him.  I pray that God wants to use us both to share our story. 

May those who are reading this, find hope and comfort, by the Grace of God.  You are in my heart. I read your emails, and try to respond on an individual basis.  Please subscribe to my blog, as my time is so limited to write to each and every one of you.  I  pray that I can increase how often I blog, and that what I write will help you to find encouragement and support.

Please leave a comment, if you would like. You can leave it anonymously.  I will try to address your questions and issues. 

I have to go. I'll be back.

In Him,


Ro said...

You are an amazing women and Mother and I appreciate every single word that you write on your blog. I have always done as much as I could to help other parents who have found themselves in the same position as us, but you have inspired me to do even more. Thank you for sharing your story, I wish you and your son all the best in the world.

melissa said...

Thank you for emailing me back. Our journey is beginning -- and I know we have a LONG way to go.

My Son's Battle- A Christian Mother's Heart said...

I just found your blog a little over a week ago. I'd tried to find other blogs and couldn't! You don't know what a relief it was to find other mothers going through the same things. I definately feel less alone. Being a mother of an addict is a difficult journey- I am trying to find a support team for myself and I'm sharing my story on my own blog that will hopefully help others as well.

Sylvia said...

There have been sleepless nights when I have felt like giving up and I read your blogs and they give me hope. Thank You! We have been living this nightmare for the past four months... hardest four months of my life.My son is just 18 years old and is addicted to smoking heroin its taken a toll on our whole family. Finding your blog has been a blessing and I thank you so much for sharing your journey. God Bless

Anonymous said...

Thanks so much for starting this website. I am at such a loss as how to help my 27 year old son. My only defense is to pray for him and have faith that The Lord will ultimately work this all for the good, but I must admit that there are days when my faith is very shallow. My son has had this addiction to opiates for almost 11 years now. In the past few months he has gone from hydrocodone to oxycodin. He is injecting it in his arm. I am so terrified that he is going to overdose. I don't know what to do. He saw a doctor and received a rx for suboxone, but he is not taking it as perscribed.He lives at home with me at the present time. I am thankful that I have found this website and for your kind support. My hands shake as I write these words. Please pray for my son, all of our sons.

Anonymous said...

i have just stumbled upon this blog. its not any of my family members but my daughters bf of almost 8 years. he might as well be my son-in-law. i love him very much and i am so very scared for him and for her. i am a huge believer in prayer. i talk to God everyday and prayer to St. Jude as well. i am praying that he can get through this but i am being realistic as well but i am not so sure about my daughter. i know she is nervous and scared but i pray she knows its his addiction not hers. he has to re learn life. thank you for putting yourself out there.

Anonymous said...

i have been living this horrible life for over 10 years now with my 32 year old son. i just feel the worst today because i really dont want him to come back in this house and ruin one more day of my life. i lost all my faith and dont even feel like praying anymore because it just seems like as soon as it looks like things are turning around....boom! back to square one! i really could write a book for what we have been through but i feel desperate right now and actually afraid of my own feelings...i need help to get through this...ONE MORE TIME...

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your blog!