Saturday, August 22, 2009

I have reached my own bottom

B called me, last night, to say that he was heading to the Bay Area for the weekend.

My heart stopped, and before I could stop myself, I blurted "but, you have no money!".

"I know. "C" said he'd pick up the whole tab".

(Who the hell is "C", I'm wondering?)

I take a deep breath and ask, "Is C someone you should be hanging around with?"

"Totally, mom", he says with conviction.

I don't feel so convinced and my head is spinning.

"But what about the insurance seminar you said you had tonight?", I asked.

No reply.

I knew my son had made up his mind to blow off another potential job opportunity he'd been offered.

He asks me if I still have the phone number for the (crazy) ex-roommate he had in San Francisco. This is the alcoholic mother who B got addicted to oxycontin and then smoking heroin, last year. The same woman who bounced $200.00 in checks to my son (for drugs, I'm guessing), and I blogged about here.

"No, I don't", I reply. "Why would you want it?!"

"I want to make amends", he says.

(I'm thinking, maybe he wants to reconnect with more of Satan's demons.)

"Did you pack your insulin?", I ask.

"Yes, mom."

"What about your suboxone?", I ask. (I hide the whole bottle, doling it out to him daily).

"I have extras, he says".

Quickly my brain sends ice down my spine. He has extras? Is he still chipping, I wonder to myself. I decide to shut up and say nothing. It's futile anyway. He'd only deny it.

"Mom, you sound worried", he says.

"I am. All I can say, B, is to please be careful. Stay clean. Stay sober. I love you."

My husband and I enjoyed some much needed alone time. Just the two of us. We grilled steaks and I made baked potatoes and a simple salad. We were both tired from a long work week.

I slept pretty well, but a few times I'd wake up enough to think of my son and to ask God to protect him.

This morning, I went into B's room to water plants he forgets to take care of.

I saw it. A wad of foil with the heroin tracks.

Burnt offerings to the devil.

My heart lurched and I felt sick.

My husband originally found them, and had written the date on the foils. I have left them, for my son to see when he returns. The foils disgust me.

I ask my husband how he found them. He says he searches B's room right after payday (once a week, on Wednesdays). Thursday night, B stayed in his room most of the night, very quiet. He skipped dinner with us. He came out at 9pm, appearing tired but I didn't notice anything odd.

My son needs to be in a one year program. He needs help. He cannot do this on his own. He's been lying the whole time, and I wanted so much to believe him. Except for about two month after his initial 30-days in rehab, I doubt my son has been clean for more than a week.

HOWEVER, please understand that I am in no financial situation to afford this. My son needs to find one, on his own. I know he's fighting this option, because the free ones aren't the Ritz Carlton. He sees himself "above" the homeless drug addicts. He's right. My son is a pampered boy who dresses nicely and looks totally preppy. He'd feel totally out of place, but he needs to realize that many homeless addicts were probably just like him at one time!

I cannot afford it. Please don't suggest it, because it upsets me. This is out of my hands.

I'm tired of the lies. I hate to say it, but this makes his moving out a tiny bit easier. I've reached my bottom.

Once again, I feel like I don't know my son. He' s in bondage and he needs to reach bottom or he will die from an overdose or end up in jail.

God helps us all.
ADDENDUM: It's been over an hour since I posted this. My husband has done a sweep of B's room. We've found more foils and more dirty straws. The lunches I have lovingly made for him? Many are under his bed, uneaten and moldy.

My son is using full-blown heroin. He has lied and hidden it well.

I have moved from anger and disgust to pain and sadness. I hate addiction. It's so evil and it destroys everything in it's path.

God help me, please!


Anonymous said...


I am so very sorry. This breaks my heart to read so I can only imagine how you're feeling. You have a right to all the emotions you are feeling. I'm just so sorry (and disgusted) that it's playing out this way.

But I think it's interesting that he leaves foils and straws in his room. And lunch under his bed. Does he really not think they're going to be found? Maybe he wants them to be found...

I have no other words, just virtual hugs for you.


Anonymous said...

MH-- thank you for your loving support. I have been thinking about this (obviously) all afternoon. I believe that, subconsciously, my son isn't hiding his drug paraphernalia. He knows we search his room.
He needs help. He needs to want sobriety more than anything in the world. Heroin is like barbed wire. It clings to the addict and doesn't want to let go-- and it hurts everyone it touches.
I am clinging to my faith, my loving husband, my friends and people like you-- who read this blog and leave comments.
Thank you so much.


Susan DeAngelis said...

My heart aches for you. I have no suggestions -- just an ear and a shoulder if you need one.

You, your husband and son are in my prayers.


email me if you need to talk :)

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Oh Debby, once again this feels so close to wear I am with my son. I found foils Wednesday - I don't think many people can relate to a peice of aluminum foil can cause a person's heart to drop to the bottom of their stomach. And like your son, I don't think mine was hiding it, he knows I look under his mattress and that's where the foils (and empty balloons and pulled apart pens) were "hiding".

Did B make it home from the Bay Area yet?

What do you think our sons want us to do when they do this? I don't know what to do! I can't afford a rehab either, they are insanely priced. I hope the new court appointed program helps K. I hope B can find something to get into too.

Can also relate to the "feeling above the homeless" my son is the same way and does not look like a drug addict....but as we know drug addicts start out looking like handsome young men from nice families....

Prayer Girl said...

When reading about something as powerful as your son's addiction, I am again reminded of our powerlessness.

There is one who has all power, that one is God, I hope he finds him now.

I pray for you, for him, for all affected by his addiction.


I pray this for all of you,

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

It is too bad we have to get to know each other because our sons are opiate addicts, but because of that, I do know exactly how you feel. My son is using off and on, I know for sure. I actually hide our foil at our home, like he couldn't find it if he wanted to. I haven't been searching his room. I used to and would often find the exact items you speak of. He has not been home high and is making a few baby steps to at least be able to be functional. He is delusioned as your son it when it comes to his appearance. i have told him in the past that he could go live at the shelter (it is a rehab also). He at that time thought I was crazy to mention such a thing, him with the yucky homeless people, doesn't belong there! It is probably exactly where my son belongs. I am praying so much for you and your family. Please reach out if you need to talk. Renee

Anonymous said...

I too was middle class while using crack cocaine..had it all, house, 2cars, job, license and children. Toward the end of my addiction I had nothing, I mean, nothing left. I was homeless when I went into rehab..(the free one)..An addict is an addict no matter where you come from and the tools of recovery are all the same, no matter where you go..I guess it just depends on how badly you want recovery, your son doesn't and he won't get clean until he does want it with all his heart and soul..I was taught in recovery that there are three options, death, jail or rehab...I pray that your son chooses rehab, soon! Also drug addicts are really good liars, as far as making amends, how can he possibly be on Step 8 when he hasn't even admitted he is powerless over heroin which is Step 1? I will continue to pray for your son.

A recovering addict.....

angelo212 said...

He will seek treatment eventually. Either by choice or when he gets locked up. And he will get locked up eventually. They have this thing called "Drug Court" for non violent drug addicts when they get arrested for possession drug charges. He can also get on the waiting list for a "Long Term Treatment Facility" usually called "Therapeutic Communities". They take alot of Indigent people. It may take a few months to get in or it may take a few weeks. He may even get a bed right away. If he goes to a detox they will get in touch with a treatment facility while he is there and he can go straight to the treatment center from detox. Good luck. Know I know what I put my parents through when I was your sons age and 25 years later still struggling.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I want to tell you I wish my parents cared I am a 20 year old oxycontin/xanax/pot/valium/percocet and dilaudid addict ive been arrested actullly a year today is when i got arrested for poss. of hydromorphone (dilaudid) and 1/4 of an oxycontin pill. I started using drugs when i was 11 my father is italian there was nothing wrong when i was a kid to have a drink but than at 11 also i took my first hit of weed and i drank alot till i was around 14 and found i was suffering from severe hospital-style panic attacks so I was put on Klonopins and at that point a very close fam. member was SEVERLY addicated to oxycontin im talkin 20-40 80mg pills a day and i was so upset i started to steal pills from "x" i got hooked at 14 an i was only like 15 at that point i was dating girls (mind you i could really get any girl i wanted in HS) who would bring me in mostly vicodins,percocets,darvocets,methadone,valiums etc etc btw i also used cocaine with a very very close fam member at 13or 14 and i was addicated to that too for a long time....i smoked pot everyday all day ditched school was high on pain pills,aniexty pills,halluengens and all kinds of speeds my brother was shooting heroin when i was 13 he was 15 and he became homeless i first tried sniffing heroin at age 17 and i said i will neber use it like erreone says but it did get me i was hooked to tem oxys so bad i had to use dope to get by when i didnt have ive done every drug besides IV'ing and methampetamine. I want you to know just tell youre son you love him i know you do but just express it in differnt ways i wish my momma cared like you care about youre son im only 20 and i have a horrible addiction i was abused by a family member and now i have to have back sergery so i am on pain killers but they dont work cuzza my tolerance the only drug that really works is WEED and trying to quit opies is hard as hell i did a methadone clinic (im not prepppy but im def not a methadonian like ppl at the clinic are ) i always got the girls but there i was in line to get my tang....i only did tha to beat my drug charge and i did somehow by the grace of god..i can say methadone works if you let it WORK YOU HAVE TO WANT IT FOR YOURE SELF! and never let a doctor RX subutex (suboxone w/ out the blocker just the bupe) to youre son i was on them and when i was hooked they were like gold to junkies they are iv and sniffable so DONT LET EM GIVE YOURE SON "SUBUTEX" suboxone didnt work for me did nothning but it is def a miracle drug ive seen pepole booting up 20 times a day kick on suboxone it quite is a good drug but really i just wanted to tell you struggle my story and trust me theres alot more i could say things ive done etc etc but im not im not proud of not getting an education because i was to busy worrying about supportin my oc habit gotcaught with alot of ecstays so that ruined my life baiscaly but...i just wanted to tell you KEEP YOURE HEAD UP! if you ever need anything or want to talk my aim address is scribble6969 and that goes for anybody who wants to chat and needls help i am here i do not support the use of illegal subtances I AM SO AGAINST IT!!!!!get at me if you need help or want to chat may god bless you and yours sincerly,

Heartbroken Mum said...

I have just found this website and read all of the comments here and must say that I felt that my husband and I were the only parents in the world who are iving this nightmare.
We live in Australia and our 30plus son is a Heroin Addict and still lives at home with us.In this house it is not called heroin but rather EVIL SHIT.
The reason that he still lives at home with us is that he has nowhere else to live as drugs are his only friends.
We live a life which is full of lies, heartbreak and having our hopes dashed repeatedly.
We feel like we are becoming incapable of feeling true happiness with our son ever again because having your hopes dashed on a constant basis leads to disbelief of everything he says or does.
Imagine if your child was laughing or smiling and instead of being happy that they are happy you are wondering if it is a DRUG HIGH.
We are starting to think that it would be better if he was in jail as he would get treatment but also we might get some peace from the nightmare that we are living for a change.
What sort of parents are we?
What parent thinks like that about their own child?
Is this our fault? Did we do something wrong as he was growing up?
We love our son very much, we just hate what he chooses to do with his life.
Recently my Doctor told me that for my own health I should kick him out of home. My reply to him was that if I kicked out my own child i would go to hell when I die, to which he replied " would it be any worse that the hell you are living now"?
Only the parent of an addict truly knows what that means.

Anonymous said...

To Heartbroken will not go to hell...but right now you are helping your son die in comfort. Only when the pain and loss of active addiction exceeds the pleasure of using will they get clean. As long as they can use in comfort and peace where is the motivation to stop? I am the mother of a 22 year poly-substance abuser whose DOC is IV heroin, so I know how you feel, but detaching from their outcomes is the kindest thing you can do for him. I will say a prayer for all parents who find themselves here tonight.

Debby, things do get better when they are not right under our noses, eventually we remember that we are people with lives, too, and that their choices are not ours. It's not easy, in fact it's fraught with anguish, but it's no worse than living with an active addict.

Anonymous said...

my son was doing great on suboxone--it got him off opiates for almost a year. surgery for 4 impacted wisdom teeth has been his undoing....found the rolled up paper (smart enough not to use straws) and the hose clamps in his room and car this week. here we go again.
he is just 20 and always wanted to be a cop. i hate painkillers but more so the lax drs. who write the rx's. hook 'em...then have them pay to get off them.