Thursday, February 7, 2013

Overwhelmed with sorrow for parents of drugs addicts-- like me

When I first started this blog, I was one of those shell-shocked moms. I never, EVER imagined that my son's life would take a bad turn. I was so ignorant about drugs. I mean, I knew about drugs. Heck, when I was a teenager, I puffed the magic dragon-- so to speak. That was in the 70's.  But, I really didn't care for drugs.  I never got into dropping acid, either. I guess those movies, that were shown to me in middle school, scared me to death.

As a divorced mom, I did my best to raise my son with manners.  I tried to be a good role model, as a mom.  In retrospect, I wasn't perfect. But who really is?

I never thought about my kid messing around with pills.  Honest!  I had never even heard of oxycontin, until my son confessed to be that he was addicted to them.  Heroin? Oh, c'mon!  Not my son!  He's a clean cut kid. I knew all his friends. They were all clean cut kids, from nice families. Right?


It has been almost five years since I became the mother of a drug addict.  There will be no cause to celebrate.  While I never expected anything like this to happen, I've had to face that this is the way it is.  In a strange way, my son's drug addiction has made me a better person.  Wait. Did I really say that?

What I mean, is that I have learned to be less judgmental of parents.  Up until that fateful month of April 2008, I would have told anyone that if a kid becomes addicted to drugs, then the parents failed to raise them right.

What a stupid thought that was.  I was so wrong.

Several times a month, I receive emails from families, or even addicts, who tell me there story.  It's always heartbreaking for me.  I try to answer them back, as best as I can.  Yet, how can I possibly give them the comfort or advice that they so desperately need?

I'm not gonna lie.  Sometimes those emails just paralyze my brain and fingers from being able to write a good answer.  I type very, very fast.  I love to write.  But, these emails-- I just feel so sad for them.  Yet, I am honored that they would write to me-- telling me that this little old blog helps them.

Every single Sunday, as I sit and listen to our pastor-- who is one incredibly gifted speaker-- sharing powerful messages, and helping me to better understand the Bible... truly, I feel so inspired and uplifted.  I actually find myself drafting a blog post.  I can't wait to go home, open up the editor of this blog, and share with anyone who will read this blog.   I want to share with them the hope I've found, in my faith in God!

But then, it seems that I can't write.  I get distracted with wanting to read, or doing chores, or cooking and baking (one of my therapeutic passions).  So, I don't write.

I have not responded to a few emails that were written to me in the last two weeks.  I need to do that, and I will.

I admire Ron, from "An Addict in my Son's Bedroom".  Ron found my blog, a few years ago.  At that times, his son (Alex) was in the throes of his addiction to heroin.  I mean, it was bad.  Ron was there, for me, lifting me up during my darkest times.  There were other bloggers, like me, who would visit my blog.  They helped me to get through so much.

So, I feel a bit guilty that I'm not being like Ron.  But, I shouldn't feel that way.  Ron has a great way of writing, and I am happy to say that his son is clean and has turned his life around. Yet, Ron continues to share his message at schools and on his blog.

I am writing this post, because I finally logged on to post comments that have been waiting for my approval (I get too much spam, so I have to moderate this blog.)    I'm not going away for good.

I need to regroup and think about how I can be of some comfort to those of you who follow my blog. To those of you who have written to me, personally, and I have not answered you-- forgive me.  I have not deleted your emails.

I'm going to try and compile responses and post it right here...because the majority of you are desperate, and heartbroken, and you don't know how to save your loved one.

I know that feeling.  I wish I could give you an easy answer.  You need support from people who really understand addiction.

I'm sorry, but I need to end this post, because I have piles of laundry to do and bedtime comes very early for me on work nights.

My son is almost one year clean.  He has the same job. I will say this-- every single friend that he had, who he used with-- they are out of his life. Gonzo.  He doesn't hang out with anyone who uses drugs. Amen for that. 


denise krochta said...

we need more people like you and Ron. This dialog needs to get bigger and bigger.
I don't know if you are aware of my radio show but I wanted to introduce you to it for an additional resource.
I just started my 3rd year. I also have a website for additional support.
Keep writing! Thanks for what you are doing.
Denise Krochta

Anonymous said...

Your stories always bring hope to my heart. God's blessings to you, your family, and all of us.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the update on things..I understand how you might feel, wanting somehow to redeem the pain by helping those of us still in the thick of the battle. My son is in prison for drug related charges. A felony. Sentenced to 2.5 years. He is only 28. He is a dad. He has a family who loves him deeply, but he has betrayed any trust we might have had. I read once that one of the greatest gifts you can give someone is the gift of love even when trust is absent. You still decide to be a part of their life, sometimes, from a distance. Love truly is unconditional when it is real. I am not talking about being a doormat or codependant living. I am simply talking about the choice to continue to love when it is least deserved. after all.. is that not Christ has done .. for each of us? Blessings to you and your family. We all have hope as an anchor for our souls..we will overcome! It is a promise:)

Anonymous said...

Your blog gives me hope

Anonymous said...

Dear Deb, I am moved and inspired by your post. I am an addict of pills and alcohol of about 5 years now. I can feel your pain and sorrow for your son. I am 33 years old and had a very good upbringing by my parents who have loved me thru this very traumatic experience that I have caused. I am constantly trying to analyze my life and figure out what caused my addictions. I have been extremely blessed and successful in my life except for this horrible demon of addiction that I cannot seem to overcome. While it has truly destroyed my life... My marriage, relationships finances etc... I can tell you that it has led me to a relationship with Christ and without this experience in my life I might have not ever turned my life over to him. I can tell you that no one wants to be an addict and it is the most hopeless miserable life to live. The pain and guilt and the hurt that I have and have caused is terrible. But if this was the path that I had to go down to truly become receptive of my Lord then it was well worth it. While some don't understand that the lives we live all serve as an ultimate purpose directed by God, sometimes it takes hurt, pain and tradegy to bring about God's plan and timing to redeem and bless others thru it. Even though we don't understand the whys....all things work together for the good to those who love God and are called to his purpose. Rom. 8:28. So thank you for your post and may the God of heaven and earth bless those who may visit this site and need some comfort!!

Dinah Gerdts said...

Hi Debby! I know that a lot of people who usually blame the parents of an addict say that they lacked guidance in raising their son or daughter. However, I have come to learn that it is not always the case. There are a lot of other factors that may have caused the addiction. Anyway, it is good to hear that your son has been clean for a year now and that he doesn’t hang out with people who use drugs anymore. He has come a long way in living a better life. I hope that he won’t make a wrong turn again.

Dinah Gerdts

Anonymous said...

I've liked your blogs for years,and I respect your writing. It seems like your whole life revolves around your son's addiction, which can't be healthy.

I'm on suboxone myself, and I can tell from your interview with your son from last year that he definetely knows how to manipulate you. I hope he is still clean, but keep in mind addicts are very good at hiding our relapses! The only way to find happiness is to live your life!

I wish you luck on everything! Thankyou again for the awesome blog.

Inspirational Sayings said...

Great story. This is really encouraging to hear and read about. More folks should act like you did!

Anonymous said...

I have visited you blog a few times and loved it. I am an addict who's been clean for 2 months and i did it with ive started to spread the word where i live(lots of heroin and oxycontin around these parts.lots of hopeless people waiting to die..its sad. i know you said no links but i really wanted to share this page with everyone as i feel it can save some lives..thank you

Dr. Bill Belfar said...

I hear many stories like yours daily. I am a physician who treats oxycodone dependence daily. I have seen parents lose their children to this drug and i am glad that your son has become clean. i think it is wonderful that you write a supportive blog like this.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. You are a wise woman!!

From Another Mom who's been there and done that

Anonymous said...

My daughter was addicted to opiates and xanax for 13 years. She shot up the oxycontin in almost every part of her body. She finally went to rehab in December 2012 for 2 months, accepted the Lord as her Savior, got involved with a great church and got clean and sober. She attended NA meetings religiously. However, in December 2013 she decided to try to help one of her old friends she knew since 7th grade who also had a serious drug addiction too ... she did drugs with this friend too. I told her it was nice she was encouraging her to get sober, but told her I didn't think it was good to hang out with her too much or to long if she was refusing help. She didn't listen to me. My daughter has relapsed due to being around this old druggie friend, I believe. She won't admit she has relapsed and stopped going to NA meetings altogether. I am so heart broken, but know the Lord will bring her back to sobriety. Is there any way I can encourage her to get sober again and get her to admit she has relapsed? I can't even bring up the subject or she flips out on me and gets all defensive. Praying she gets the desire to get sober again soon! Blessings, Jennie