More food for thought from a comment from "our" side

I am starting to really appreciate  the lively comments that happen when I post a comment that I've received.  I posted Ryan's comment, because I appreciated what he had to say. I would like to post a comment to that comment-- one that was sent from Fractal Mom.  Ryan-- and anyone else who is an addict-- I mean no disrespect or offense.  In all fairness I wanted to post a very thoughtful comment from a parent who has been on my side.

Before I post the comment, I want to share my view from those of you who are encouraging me to help my son get out of his dangerous situation.  Angelo, this is also a time I want to say how much I feel that you have become a caring "friend" on my blog, and I thank you. You don't have an email address, and that's okay. I'm anonymous, and I certainly can understand why others remain anonymous. Isn't that part of the "program"?

Anyway-- when you read Fractal mom's comment, she reflects much of how I feel. My son has lived with us twice. We allowed him back into his childhood home to help him go to college and to find sobriety.  My son never completed one college course. Not one.  Expensive books were lost, and our money thrown away with it. Unfortunately, my son has relapsed multiple times-- despite the love and encouragement we (his step dad and I) gave him. Multiple times, we found the telltale foils hidden in his room. Multiple times, my son had stories on how they were old. We did the drug testing, and my son cleverly hid stored urine in a body cavity that he shrewdly switched in the bathroom--though my husband stood outside an open door. I felt so deceived when I found out that all the "negative" results were a lie. My son knew that he would have to move out, if we found drugs in the house. After several "second chances", this move is final. I cannot allow my son to move back. The only way I would change my mind is that my son has been clean and sober for one year, has a job and wants to go to college. That's it.

As far as my son's trust fund goes-- what's left of it (most went to pay for his rehab), there is only enough to pay for a sober living environment for 2-3 months. Tops. I won't allow it, anymore. My mother worked hard, her entire life, to save this small token of her love for her grandson. That money was intended for my son's college, or for something that would be a good thing.  My mother's heart would break if she knew that her grandson was a drug addict.  I can't throw the money away for drug addiction, anymore.  I am the trustee of this money for four more years. I pray that my son will find sobriety, by the age of 25, and that this money will be a precious gift from his grandmother...who loved him very much.

My son's dangerous living situation is a direct result of his own choices. My son chose to lie to us, and he brought drugs into the house. My son chose to buy drugs, on credit, and then found that he works and works, only to pay off drug debt.  While my son is a sweetheart, when he is sober, he has to make a decision on what to do. All the options and tools are before him. I ahave empathy for his addiction, but there are countless folks who are working a program, and who are staying clean. I have reached the point that I cannot be the person who enables his inability to learn to think for himself. I must distance myself, as much as I can. I could help my son, in a heartbeat, to move out of his apartment.  But, once again, I would be the person who enables B's inability to figure things out on his own.  My son needs to learn to take care of his own messes. I believe that my son wants sobriety, but I don't think it's top on his list.

So, without further adieu, I want to share what Fractal Mom had to say.  It's raw, and it's obvious that she's been through so much heartache.  She speaks words of wisdom that parents who struggle with codependence and enabling their addict children to take a look at the results:

well. I have the following to say to any parent of an addict who is entertaining the idea of letting the addict live in their home while they attempt sobriety.

any other kids in the home? (bad move)

do you work or can you devote your entire life to 'assisting' the addict in his/her quest.

can you sleep with your purse and all your valuables?

can you provide 24 hour eagle eye watching?

can you use every single iota of your energy on the addict and leave nothing for yourself?

I don't hate addicts. I hate what they and the addiction do to the real victims, the families of addicts.

we spent almost 8 years trying to be supportive and allowing our addict to be surrounded by loving family members to help her find sobriety. She went on to have two children, steal us blind, and screw up my relationship with her three siblings who ended up hating her for taking their mom away from them because all of my energy ended up going to 'being supportive' and also taking care of her children while she was still using over and over.

Yah, if you are single, have a good income, work from home and have lots of time and energy to devote to your son, maybe it's a good idea.

but truthfully, an addict who WANTS to get clean will find a way.

anything else is just plain old enabling. Not supportive.

Ask anyone who has been there for over 10 years with a heroin addict child, male or female. Living in the home DOES NOT WORK.

And, it puts you at risk of losing your home in a drug bust.

just my opinion.