I haven't blogged for a while, obviously. I am thinking. I am sorting out my thoughts. I am also fighting the symptoms of a cold.
Fortunately, I am on Day One of a 27 day (unpaid) vacation from my school district.
I received two very heartfelt "anonymous" comments from my posting on June 25, 2009.
I want each of you "Anonymous" folks to know that I am not offended by your honesty. Not one tiny bit. If anything, my heart has been deeply touched.
I want to address these comments, but I am thinking this through very carefully. I am not a theologist, a pastor nor a Bible Banging Christian.
I love God. I know God, because I seek to know Him. I do not "humanize" Him, because He is God. I believe that God is all knowing, all seeing-- "omnipotent".
I also know the Dark One.
Before I log off, because I have things I need to do, I want to address a few things:
I do not preach or impose Godly guilt on my son.
My son is a believer in Jesus Christ, by his own choice.
I do not blame God for my son's troubles, nor my own.
I do not think that God is the only answer for addicts to find healing in their need to use drugs.
I do believe that God loves each and every one of us.
I do believe that God gives us strength, because the Dark One is always waiting to pounce on us, and to lure us into the devil's snare.
I believe that my son believes in God. But, I think my son does not believe in himself.
I will address these comments as soon as I have a quiet morning, without pressing business.
My son is struggling. I think he wants to stay clean, but he is hanging over a raging river perched on a thin branch.
I am trying, very hard, to be careful about what I say. My son is opening up to me, and admitting things that are breaking my heart. I am filled with pain and worry....disappointment and anger... and fear for my son.
I am not ready to share what's been going on in my home, because I have a lot of sorting out to do.
In the meantime, God is giving me so much strength and courage to keep my hope up for my son.
There are so many miracles that I know have come from God. I haven't share them, but there are many...
I do believe that only because of God's mercy that my son is not in prison and that he is alive.
Trust me. My son has had many close brushes with the law and with death. Many.
God is good. Though we might think God is not answering our prayers, He is.
God just answers them His way. Not the way we want Him to.
Please remember that. Trust in Him.
Until later, please know how much I appreciate your candor. I understand why you choose to remain anonymous. To me, you are a real person. To God, you are not anonymous. He knows you.
-Mom-
Posts
Dear Ian…
2 years ago
5 comments:
My son has been on Suboxone for over two years. It is a limited Godsend.
First off, I want to question how your son can skip a dosage of suboxone and then smoke heroin. One needs to be completely withdrawn from an opiate before you are on suboxone. He needs to be doing an active 12 step program or be in an intensive relationship with a therapist.
If he is still going thru withdrawal (and that should be done under medical supervision) I question what is going on.
My son has done "OK" with the suboxone. He has been on for two years but has not been tapered down on the dosage...I question this...some of the side effects of the suboxone are depression, irritability, etc. This can make it tough for the people they live with. At the same time, the recovering addict needs to be in a therapeutic relationship (my son is not) or 12 step (my son is not).
Opiate addiction is a nightmare for everyone. When parents try to help, and most of us are not trained or street smart enough, there are challenges. He needs to be in a program....but his choice.
I think my kid is ok...but his marriage is falling apart. Even if you stop the opiates, the fall out continues....recovery is a 24-7 effort. When you care for someone with opiate addiction there is no rest.
The Blog is a good idea. Keep it up...I will come in from time to time.
Anonymous:
Some of the side effects of ADDICTION are depression and irratibility. Not everything that goes wrong in your sons life is because of the medication he is on.
If he were on meds for ANY OTHER ILLNESS would you be questioning how long he should be taking it, as long as it was working? So why does it matter with this medication.
The chances of relapse are real and life threatening. Are you more concerned about your son being alive and healthy OR more concerned about him not taking any drugs or medications? those might be your two options....its not like Suboxone is just a drug he takes to make life easier and he could do without it. He's taking it because it's saving his quality and the length of his life. That is what should matter to you.
OH--and 12 steps is wonderful for those it works for, but is not in any way shape of form ESSENTIAL for recovery. There are other ways to get and stay well....;one of them is getting very involved in new activities, education and social scene. Some people have no desire to rehash their illness and mistakes and feel like getting on with their life means DOING JUST THAT. Thats why medications like Suboxone are so great, because an addict doesn't need to become as obsessed with staying clean and being in 12 steps as they were with doing drugs. They can just begin their life anew....
For the blog owner....you probably don't want to consider this, but there is the option of methadone treatment for someone who has started to start and stop suboxone and use on "top" of it. Its really impossible to do the start stop thing on methadone because it takes eons to get out of your system and you have to be sick the whole time...were talking up to 10 days before he could "feel" dope. Also, for some people, methadone seems to quell the craving better then subs (vice versa too--subs works better then methadone is some folks). It's all about finding out whats best for him. But in the scheme of things...an occasional relapse is a whole lot better than worrying day and night and risking your life DAILY. It's not perfect, but remember things ARE better and thats what you need to focus on. Addiction derails us and we may never be exactly what we planned on being or have the perfect life we wanted--but we can still have a GOOD life.
Good luck.
My concern isn't how long he is on subs. It's that he's been chipping. That tells me he is not ready to quit using drugs.
Mom
Recovery isn't perfect, when we expect too much, we always get too little.
Just look at what he's accomplished...and concentrate on that, rather than his slips. It is a very rare addict that stops their first time out and never relapses. Relapse is not the end of the world...it's also not the end of recovery. Recovery doesn't start, stop and start all over with each relapse....it is a continuum.
But relapses don't have to be the end of the world...he's jumping right back in after he slips, right? Instead of wallowing and continuing to use?
PROGRESS, not perfection. You have your son back in your life, he's not risking life, limb and freedom every day to get high. HUGE progress!
Try to focus on improving his quality of life, rather than focusing on ending his drug use completely....this really isn't about the drugs. The fact that he's still using tells me not that he's not ready to be well or that he's not trying hard enough--but that his symptoms aren't being supressed enough. It show huge commitment that he keeps trying.
If you shift your focus to ending his suffering, rather than ending his drug use, things will become clearer and his relapses will be much less devasting TO BOTH OF YOU.
Think about this: when he has a slip is he suffering because of the effects of the drugs themselves, or because of the shame and guilt he has from not being able to fight his cravings, live up to the "ideal" recovery and make everyone else happy?
He's doing everything he can to get and stay well and live a good life....would we expect anymore from someone suffering from any other disease? Would you blame HIM if he were suffering from some other mental illness and had a relapse?
For instance: if he had OCD and had, because of medication, so far been able to fight the urge to wash his hands more than nessecary MOST of the time.....would you think he wasn't "ready" to be well if he slipped and had a day where he just couldn't fight the urge and went on a hand washing spree? Or would you consider one day out of many a huge huge improvement considering how many days used to be wasted on this activity?
It's the same idea: a voluntary behavior (using drugs) that is used to cope with the symptoms of a physical illness/mental illness(addiction).
This isn't a war your son fights with himself, it's a war he fights with his illness....and from what I can tell he seems to be winning.
You posted that he gave you a warm smile on his way out the door to work recently......your sons personality, ability to love and care about his life are coming back. Isn't that what you really wanted>?
Considering how many mothers are not so lucky and how many have lost their children forever to addiction (either because they are beyond reach or have died) you truly need to be grateful for how lucky you have been, rather than focus on how much better you want it.
Take care.
PS--my last comment was more for the anonymous post above mine, than for you....as she was questioning why her son hadn't come down on his suboxone dose yet.
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