Uncontrollable Sense of Disgust. What happened to integrity?

This is the part where anger sets in. I am sitting at my desk, feeling completely frustrated and helpless.

B called me, this morning. He's smuggled in his cellphone-- and that already sets me off. How dishonest is this? He says that the treatment center wants to keep him 1-2 weeks. He wants just a few days. No matter what, the insurance runs out after 15 days. That's it!

He is in total denial of his problem. I told him that there are places that offer a free one year program. He balked at that, saying "one year!" "One year is too long a time".

Now me-- a non-addict mom, who thinks she's got a lot of common sense could only reply back to him, "one year is NOTHING, compared to the rest of your life to come".

What frustrates me, to no end, is how easily influenced B is. He believes the STUPID tales that his friends tell him. These are STUPID, burned-out, irresponsible drug addicts! One of his STUPID friends told him that the year he spent in rehab, at a Christian-based program, was the "hardest year of his life". Well no kidding, Sherlock! This "Friend" of his is still on subutex...after one year! Hello? To me, B's sobriety begins when he doesn't need pills to help him not use opiates. Am I missing something, here?

Both this guy and my son are opiate addicts. Hello? Opiates is not kid's play. It's poison. It's evil. It gets into their brains, and it robs them of every thing that that they have. His addiction has turned my son into a devious liar-- one who oozes sweetness and charm.

B still thinks that, after a few days, the poison will be out of his body and he'll be just fine. He's an idiot, for thinking that. I have no doubt that my son needs ONE FULL YEAR, living in a place, where former addicts-- who are clean and sober, and who are committed to the 12-steps-- will set rules and the kind of structure and stability that B needs.

These programs, as far as I have found, are all Christian-Based. My son is a "believer", but he's not a follower. He really wants to have a relationship with God, but on my son's terms. B has allowed his addiction to lie and deceive him-- and that is what the Prince of Darkness is all about.

Yes, I'm really angry right now. I'm angry at B's addiction. I'm angry at being lied to. I think what I am most frustrated with is my son's lack of integrity. I have such a mixture of emotions-- anger, disgust, frustration, disappointment and distaste...for how easily he lies about EVERYTHING!

I work at a high school, for crying out loud. I've had students lie to me. But, I am his mom, and I am someone who loves him and is trying to help him. I cannot believe that this precious baby boy-- the child that I desperately wanted-- can look right at me and LIE. He has manipulated my love for him, but it's getting really old. I've had to resort to calling his dad, or his best friend, to get the TRUTH. What I get are different stories... then my own son gets mad at ME for calling and telling on him.

I'm telling you-- addiction is so evil and dirty. Addicts will LIE. Sadly, the addiction lies to them. DENIAL is what my son is in, right now. Frankly, I feel like he expects his parents to "fix him" and to take care of him.

At this point, I'm so far removed from this third bout of him trying to come clean. He will never be clean if he continues this stupid illusion that he can do this on his own. He wants to call the shots-- he wants his own apartment, his stupid X-Box, his car. He wants all the material things, and his friends, and girls, and golf-- he cannot see that there is a 2000 pound gorilla named "addiction" in the room with him. It's right there, and all of us can see it. It will take him down-- and ultimately ruin the rest of his life-- possibly robbing him of his life, prematurely.

Yes, I'm angry. I had to get this out. I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I'm so through with my son being the "victim".

That's where I'm at with Brian, and I am heart-broken. I'm angry, and this is all part of the painful process. I am grieving for my beautiful boy that I once knew.