Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What your comments mean to me...

Every so often, a total stranger will post a comment to me. I read each and everyone of them, and I appreciate what I read
I wish that I could personally email my thanks and appreciation for your encouragement-- alas, many folks don't email me, so I cannot respond to them personally. Please, feel free to send email to me at: mominchrist@comcast.net

I am amazed to see that I've had over 2000 hits since I started this blog in April. Originally, I started this blog because I can type much faster than I can write. Little did I know, that my blog is being read by many folks who can relate to what I'm going through.

I still have not told my son about this blog. I don't feel that my blog should be a secret from him. I simply feel that he isn't ready to understand what I am writing. So, for now, I just don't mention it to him. This blog is my therapy...a way to share my thoughts.

My son is slowly, but surely, starting to grow into a young man. I just don't know if he can fully understand how difficult it is to be his mom. Parenting is the most difficult job I've ever had-- many parents are nodding their heads in agreeement as they read this, I don't doubt. My life became even more complicated when my marriage came to an end. Being a single parent was one of the most difficult challenges that I never counted on. I was pretty broke. Each day I struggled with making ends meet. I was pretty angry at how his father left us-- without any notice. I lost everything, in that divorce...except for one thing. I was "saved" when I sought answers at a church I had heard about. From all my troubled times, I found the power of forgiveness. That is how I have been able to forgive my "ex" and to move forward in my life. I wanted to find a peaceful way to co-parent with B's father. It wasn't entirely successful, but at least I found peace.

I've owned up to my own mistakes, as a mom. At times, I wish I hadn't let B push me to the point that I gave in to what he wanted. I wish I had been more vigilant in finding B's drug paraphanalia-- he has told me it was hidden in his closet, but I never found it. I wish that I had picked my battles more carefully-- at times, I flew off the handle and overreacted in how I handled situations with my teenager. I wish that I had persisted in having him drug-tested, but I didn't know how to make that happen. I did learn to say "I'm sorry" to him and to admit when I overreacted. I did my best to grow into the kind of mom that I never had. Don't get me wrong-- my mom did a lot of things right. But, I never had a relationship with her that was as loving as I hoped I could develop with my son.

I wonder if my son has his own regrets. I work at a high school, so I observe so many of the students that I can see on campus. When they think I'm not looking, I see behaviors that are so similar to my son's. Though B is a drug addict, he's still a kid. He is a typical teenager. I love teens, for the most part. They amuse me. I can relate to them. They don't make me nervous.

I hope to wait until my son has a couple of years of sobriety he can claim. I'm waiting for him to mature (I am told that age "25" is a magic number for boys). That is when I hope that my son will read my blog, and that he can better understand why I have been so open and honest about my feelings...my frustrations...my hurts.

I have not heard from B since Sunday morning. I know that he is traveling with the race team.
Every night, while I'm at that point of being in my fetal position in my bed-- my husband beside me-- I count my blessings.

My son is high on that list. God has been so merciful to him. I still marvel that B remains with no criminal record, no "911" emergency calls and that he is alive and well.

Your comments are so encouraging to me. If my blog can help ANYONE who is going through drug addiction-- please let them know how to find me. It would mean a lot to me if I can encourage them.



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