Wednesday, September 2, 2009

48 hours

The craziness at my job, and life in general, has made it hard for me to sit down and blog about my son. It's my lunch break, so I will try and give an update.

Cut to the chase-- my son is moving out on Friday. B seems very excited about living in his own place. The two of us are getting along great. I decided to drop the whole matter of finding evidence of drug use in his bedroom because it's moot point. He's leaving so what's the point?

Yesterday, my son kept saying how much he's going to miss me. I think the reality that he is really going to be on his own is beginning to sink in. Last night, I paid for his suboxone for the last time. I did not pay for his Ambien prescription. I told my son that, from now on, I would pay for his diabetes supplies and his step dad and I would pay the $395.00 a month for his medical, dental and vision insurance. We figure that next year he will, most likely, be dropped since he is 21 and not going to college. Hopefully, my son will find a job that offers medical insurance. I asked B to see if his current employer would let us pay the fee foro their insurance-- no cost to them, because it might be cheaper than what we are paying. He says he'll ask.

My son and I both got a little emtional, last night. The two of us talked about how much closer we have become. When B moved in with us, last December, I felt that I really didn't know him. He had been living with his father for almost a year, and I felt we were disconnected.

Now, we have had long talks. I've truly learned to back off with the nagging, because it's pointless. B has not been disrespectful to me, either. He really is maturing in some ways!

Is B using? I don't know. I stopped looking for evidence.

In 48 hours, my son is moving out and he cannot return. He will be 21 years old in two months. It is time for Mama Bird to nudge him out of the nest. Drugs or not, I don't think adult kids should be living at home-- unless, they are going to college and cannot afford to live on their own. Or, if unforeseen circumstances happen-- a loss of a job or some medical catastrophe. Other than that, I'm not one to condone adult children living at home, at the expense of their parents. My mother packed my bags when I was 18. Well, in truth, she brought me a suitcase and said "it's time"-- about a week after my 18th birthday. I never looked back and I made it.

Time are tougher, now, I realize. Jobs are harder to find and employers are less willing to provide benefits. My son's employer gives him just enough hours so that he doesn't qualify for paid vacation or insurance benefits.

The way I see it, my son will have $300.00 a month to survive on, after paying rent. That's not much money at all. His car is still not operational, because he can't afford to repair it. I wont' pay for it, and he hasn't asked me to. He's walking or getting rides from people. At least his apartment will be right across the street from his job.

My last thought I will share today-- I am feeling a sense of sorrow and concern for my son. To the men who are reading this blog-- you are wired to view life in a more pragmatic way. I say that, because I believe that women (in general) are wired to be nurturers. Men fix things. Women want to make our kids feel better. I think we hurt, deeply, when our kids are in trouble or injured. I'm not saying that men don't have feelings!Please don't take it that way. My husband is a very caring person. It's just... as a mom, I fight the compulsion to want to "save" my son. I know that, in the end, I have en0ugh common sense to understand that enabling my son isn't going to help him at all. It's so hard, though.

I know this. Still, I will miss my son. My husband and I had a misunderstanding this morning. I was saying that I will miss B when he's gone. I think he interpreted that to mean that I was being silly, since B is only moving 4 miles away. It upset me, that he cannot understand. He's not B's biological father and he's only know B for 6 years. As a mom, I was trying to say I will miss seeing B's body curled up and sleeping on his bed. I will miss hearing his snoring in the middle of the night, when I'm padding down the hallway. I will miss his "what's for dinner, mom?". I will miss his compliments on what I cook or bake. I will miss our watching television together. I will miss my son's presence. I will miss my child, who I gave birth to and I've watched grow up to be a tall and beautiful boy-- in my eyes.

I won't miss the drama, though. I certainly won't miss the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when a dirty foil or straw is found-- clear evidence of smoking heroin. No, I won't miss that at all. But, I'll still worry and pray and pray.

I guess I'm coming to realize that my job of raising my son is finished. He's a grown young man. I will never stop being his mom, of course. I've done the best I could do-- mistakes and all.

When I look at my son, I don't see a drug addict. I see B. His smile still melts my heart.

I have been hit with a double whammy. I need to say goodbye to my adult son, hoping that he will never return home to stay. He needs to fly away and be a grownup.

I also need to say goodbye to my son, the drug addict. I can only pray, each day, that he will not relapse into full blown addiction.

I also know that I need to let go of my son. I cannot call him or check in on him. He can call me, but I need to help my son to think and survive on his own. I pray that I have taught him enough skills that he will use to live a good life. Of course, he can come and have Sunday dinner with us and we'll have holidays. Of course, I am willing to take him out to dinner once in a while, to talk and visit. Yet, I really have to let me son figure things out on his own. I absolutely will not give him money. He knows that. In fact, he hasn't asked me for any in quite some time.

Last night, we hugged. He held my face in his hands and kissed the top of my head. I'm 5'7, he's 6'3. I used to do that 15 years ago. How time flies.

I will not stop blogging. The story is not over. A new chapter is beginning.

End of lunch break.

Father, thank you for bring my son and I closer together. Thank you, God,
for the miracles you've done for us. I give my son to you, each day, praying
that B will follow the path you have set before him. Please keep him from the
Evil One and thank you for loving us.



Madison said...

All that you have written makes perfect sense to me. I would think it would be unusual if you didn't feel the way you feel as your son moves out and begins to learn that he can lean on God. I just bet there are good years ahead for you. Years of restoration and healing. God hears your prayers and loves you and your son.

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

People talk about the "empty nest" syndrome, but I think it is even harder for those of us with addicted children. Your thoughts and feelings are completely understandable. May much love and light shine on both you and your son today and from now on:)

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I agree with what you said about Moms and Dads - we are different and that's for a reason. Its like the two parents balance each other out. Its hard when one half doesn't understand the other. I suffer from major guilt that my son only had the nurturing parent and did not have the other side, I think it contributed to a lot of his problems.

I love that you and B. are so close, its beautiful. I have to admit I envy it a bit too. K can be very harsh and mean to me at times. But every now and then we relive the old days.

I hope B does well, I will be praying. I understand how you will miss him. I also agree with the above comment - all parents have to let go sooner or later, but letting go of a child that's also an addict comes with a different set of concerns.

Now you can hubby can run around the house in your underwear all the time ;)ADVERTISEMENT

Her Big Sad said...

I agree with you on the differences between moms and dads! And I so understand the concerns and feelings you have voices. I'll be praying for him, and for you.

Her Big Sad said...

Sorry, "concerns and feelings you have voiced!" Sheesh, and I transcribe for a living...


Anonymous said...

I found your site tonight because I'm searching for answers, maybe. Maybe, I'm not sure what I'm looking for. On 08-16-2009 my ex-husband who I was married to for 26yrs ( our divorce was finalized last summer ) and who I had known since I was 14 was found dead from a suicide. He became addicted to Oxycontin approx. 7yrs ago after a jet-ski accident. We had it all at one time, my husband had a successful business, we owned a beautiful home, money was never a problem, we have a beautiful son who turned into a wonderful young man. Oxycontin took everything from this man and destroyed our marriage. In his suicide letter he left for our son he said that he just couldn't get over this addiction and couldn't live with it anymore. In my heart I know I couldn't have helped him but the void inside of me will never go away. I left him one day and never looked back, I couldn't. Now, I live with the " what ifs " and my son cries for his father. Praying your son never gets lost in his addiction again. God bless.

Susan DeAngelis said...

I don't know if it's the empty nest syndrome or just plain loving your son.

I miss my daughter so much...

I feel your pain, sweetie.

Anonymous said...

This post shows so much growth. I'm proud of you.

I know tomorrow will still be a tough day for you, but I will be thinking of you, hoping and praying for only the best.

MY mom didn't kick me out, but after graduation she said we're moving into a smaller home and there's not room for you (subtle, I know!) unless you want to share rooms with your brother and sister. I moved out, I resented her for it for a while, but looking back I realize it was the best thing for me. I was scared. I wasn't ready to be on my own, but I grew up so much that year. I actually loved being on my own.

xoxo, MH

A Mom's Serious Blunder said...

I love this made me cry. God Bless.