I have a general rule of thumb on how I handle drama-- or a crisis. I give myself 24 hours to process it all. I find that once I allow my knee jerk reactions to calm down, I can think more clearly.
Today, I see the holes in the Swiss Cheese stories from my son's crazy life. Again, I'm not asking for advice. I'm writing them down as a release:
If you missed my "Cast of Characters" (from yesterday's post) , here they are again:
B = my son, age 21
I have come to fully accept that, at this time, my son has very few friends left. Those who are in his life, use drugs. Drug addicts use each other, because addicts are selfish. It's how the disease works. Those who are no longer associating with my son, don't use and want nothing to do with being around a drug addict. I can sense that my son is sad about this. But , he also knows what I know and we don't discuss that much.M = my son's roommate, since September 5th, until November 29th, 2009...not quite 3 months. Alcoholic, former oxy addict, but now freebasing and IV use of heroin. Bipolar, not taking meds, age 24. Split from my son's apartment, but still on the lease with all of his belongings still in the apartment. Paid 80% of his share of December rent. M has a jail record-- not clear exactly for what.
C = my son's most recent "best friend"; they've known each other since middle school. Age 21.
D = "platonic girlfriend" of "M". Moved into my son's apartment the same night that "M" split to go into a 5 month rehab, locally. Now, she's on the lam from the law.
Mom = Me. Age 54. Happily remarried, God-loving mom. Full-time employee. Struggling to not be an enabler to my son, but hampered by a devoted love for him.
Regarding C-- my gut reaction about C being beaten up in a home invasion, yesterday, was out of shock-- and then compassion for him. I'm a compassionate person, and it pains me if someone I personally know has been hurt.-- I'm just not apathetic, as it's not my nature. I haven't been jaded, yet, about my son's life that's out of control. I hope I never am. I also thought of C's parents, last night-- the horror of their son being injured and in jail in an orange jumpsuit. How painful! Lucky for the parents that when the crime happened in their home, they were at work. Been there, done that. My son was carjacked four years ago. No mom wants to see their own kid injured.
Despite my fondness for C-- and I didn't know of his secret life-- I now know that he's a drug dealer. That's the sad reality. My son had no business associating with him. But, my son obviously lacks enough common sense and moral values to see this. My husband hit it right-- drug dealers destroy people's lives. I won't get into all of what my son had to say about his friend "C's" secret life. The way I see it, this young man was motivated by greed. He was in it for the money. He got robbed, he got beaten and he's facing felony charges. I can only hope that this will turn this kid's life around, but he needs to pay the consequences of his choice of crime. In some ways, I think B feels that way-- but it's a little lopsided. Like I said, B shouldn't have associated with C at all. I suspect that my son was benefiting from C's financial gains. C was B's loan shark. It's stupid. The whole thing makes my head shake, with disappointment.
The girl "D" who the police are looking for? She doesn't officially live in my son's apartment. For some cryptic reasons she sometimes stayed at the apartment with "M". She doesn't have a key to the apartment. The police showed up at my son's apartment, looking for her there. B says he hasn't seen her since the day before the crime. The police had no legal papers to search B's apartment. My son, willingly, allowed them in. If he had drugs in there, do you think he would have? I doubt it.
I have come to be more pragmatic about my son's drama. Quite bluntly, when you swim in a cesspool, you come out covered in poop. As long as B continues to hang out with his drug homies, he will continue to be sucked into the drama. One day, his luck might run out and he'll end up in the slammer-- just like his friends. I don't wish it on my son, but there is nothing I can do.
I don't get sucked into my son's dramas, all the way. Like I said, I process it all and then start seeing all the holes in the tales. Then, I move on. I go on with my life, being a wife and my job. My son's drama doesn't paralyze me. It just makes me sad, and it gives me more fodder to pray about.
Wanna know the Swiss Cheese Tale of what supposedly happened yesterday? Go get a cup of hot cocoa. This is my son's version:
Apparently, D and a girlfriend showed up at C's house (his parents) to buy some oxy. The two girls beat him with a closet rod. They stole $5000.00 in cash and his pills. Of course, I'm wondering how they knew about the cash-- as the police are...which, I am guessing, is why my son was questioned.
C called the police to report he'd been robbed-- and told them why. D'oh! The police found pills and they took him in.
Now, is this one of those stupid criminal stories?
"Hello, PO-LEECE", I was robbed of my drug money and I want to file charges!
Sorry. There are holes in this story. Maybe, one day, I'll hear the truth. Maybe I won't.
For the record, if my son was involved in this I'd really be floored. My son is a manipulator and can tell some tall tales, but-- I don't think he'd do that to a friend...shady as his friends are... plan to rob someone, that is.
Regarding my son and methadone--
I am accepting that my son needs to follow his decision to try it. I'm not an addict, so I can't understand the difference between suboxone and methadone. I mean, I've read about both. I've talked to people on suboxone with success stories, and other who are still taking it after five years. The same goes with methadone-- I've heard good and bad stories. I don't think neither suboxone nor methadone are going to be his magical pills. Yes, I'm highly suspicious why my son feels suboxone doesn't work for him and he needs methadone. Of course I take into consideration that his use could be worse than he's lead me to believe. Actually, I believe my son about as much as a wolf in sheep's clothing. I take what he says with a grain of salt. I know my son's not a saint. He's a drug addict.
Ultimately, it is my hope and prayer that my son will go into a one year program. Believe me, I know the different options-- from Teen Challenge America to Rescue Mission.
It's just in God's hands that my son will make that decision.
As far as my son's apartment-- he has to figure out what to do. The lawyer (which didn't cost me a penny) was a service my son could use as a way to ask his own questions and to gain knowledge. I don't think that's enabling.
For the record, I am going to ignore comments pointing out my enabling-- in other words, I'm to work on not taking that personally--lest, I slip into trying to defend myself. It's a touchy subject for me, I admit. But, you don't know me. You don't know my son. I don't give all the details, so you might jump to conclusions because I don't want to ramble on and on. My posts are long enough, as they are. Believe me, I do pray about things, talk them over with my husband and think them through very carefully. I think I'm intelligent enough to think things through. If I make a decision that a therapist says is "enabling", I'll own it. I doubt anyone can say they've never enable their kid, at one time or another. They just won't admit it.
Still, my prayers are for my son and his friends. I keep praying that God will sever all of those friendships and that my son will finally figure out to stay away from the cesspool and to clean up his life with people of much better character. I've said to my son, before, and he's nodded in agreement-- once you find that path of sobriety, and learn the value of integrity-- good and lifelong friends will follow you again.