Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Wednesday morning - prayers for wisdom

When your own child has something "wrong" with them, it devastates your heart. I cannot imagine how it must feel to find out that your own flesh and blood has cancer, and may die. Or that your child has a rare disease and will need experimental treatments to save their life.

When a parent finds out that their child is addicted to drugs or alcohol, it paralyzes you. The addiction cannot help but affect the life of their loved ones. We lose sleep. We blame ourselves. We lose trust in them.

It has been 15 months since my son first admitted to me that he had a drug problem. In the last fifteen months, I have blogged about my journey into a world I never imagined would become a part of my own life.

I have shared, with countless people, my personal struggles as I tried to learn about addiction. My husband and I have attended classes, at my son's treatment center.

I bought the books that were recommended (see my Safari Bookshelf on this blog). I went to meetings, hoping to find answers and support from other parents like me.

I've had days of being angry, resentful and paranoid. I've had days where I've snarled at my husband, because I felt he was acting too paranoid. I've blamed my ex-husband for enabling my son. I've blamed myself.

Sometimes, I read my blog entries and realize that they are affirmations of hope that my suspicions were wrong.

I've avoided my blog, for weeks at a time, feeling a sense of calm-- believing that my son was really staying clean and sober.

Obviously, he's not.

Once again, my life as a wife and mom has been shaken to the core with my son's admission that he's been chipping.

For anyone who doesn't know what chipping is, I'll break it down in simple English. It means he's been dabbling with drugs. A little here, a day of sobriety. My son has been lying to himself that he can smoke a little heroin, to deal with physical or emotional pain. He's used soboxone to help with the withdrawals in between.

It's hard to explain how I'm feeling about this new bit of news, from my son's own mouth.

I'm not angry, if you can believe it. Some folks might think that I have a right to be angry. I should throw my son out on the streets, because that's the only way he'll reach rock bottom-- is what many people might be thinking.

My Old Self, would kick into being the warden. I should put my son into lockdown-- give him a curfew. Control his money. Drug test him, naked and watching that he doesn't slip in someone else's pee. I should take him to meetings and pick him up, to make sure he's going.


My son needs to face his drug demons and he needs to be honest with himself. I do not want him to try and stay sober for me, for his stepdad or for anyone else. He needs to want this for himself, more than anything else.

There is no clear answer on this. I have truly given this to God-- at the cross. My prayers are for God's wisdom, courage and strength.

I will listen to people's stories or advice. I appreciate comments from folks who read this blog.

Ultimately, I'm going to commit to praying from my heart.

I feel a strong presence of God in me, in that I feel that He is holding my husband and I up. Neither one of us overreacted last night. We hugged this morning, very tightly. We didn't say anything. We didn't need to. We are in this together. We want to support our son with encouragement and prayers.

Heroin is one of the hardest drugs to stay away from-- next to meth. My son is a heroin addict. There's no sugar coating it.

My son has to do a lot of work from within. He believes that being high helps him to cope with life's disappointments, hurts and struggles. He thinks that he can use "just a little" and that's okay.

My son is lying to himself. He needs therapy-- he needs someone he can talk to. He needs a spiritual foundation to understand how to cope with the bad things that happen in life. He needs to learn how to handle stress, without turning to drugs to disconnect from whatever it is that is troubling him.

All of us, who are not drug addicts-- we need to try and understand that people like my son think they cannot cope with life without drugs.

Once again, I am drawing on God's strength. There's a part of me that wants to break down and sob. I can't. At times, my eyes fill with tears. If I speak of my son's dilemna, my throat closes up and I choke back emotion.

For that very reason, I am asking anyone who knows my phone number to be aware of that. If you feel a need to call me to offer moral support or sympathy, thank you. Not right now, okay? There is nothing you can say to me to ease the pain of this.

Your prayers for my son would be the most helpful. Please pray that my son would believe that he is worthy of God's love and forgiveness. Please pray that my son will find someone who will be a Godly sponsor to him.

Please pray for my husband and me-- and for parents like us-- that we will not lose hope in our kids.

I need to focus on my job, now. I will update things as they happen.

One last thing-- thank you for your comments. I read them. Many times, I wish I could personally respond to you, but I don't have your email. To those of you anonymous commenter's-- thank you for your words. They mean a lot to me.

To my husband, best friend, brothers, family and loved ones-- thank you for your support. I will not give up on my son. Please don't give up on him.


ChaiLatte said...

Praying for all of you. We are going through our own personal hell right now with our son, so just know that you are NOT alone. God is with all of us, most importantly our sons. This is their journey, but yes, it causes us parents great pain when their journey is filled with bad decisions that can greatly harm them.

Tall Karen said...

Hold on to that matter what. God is big enough to get you all through this, and He will, at exactly the right moment. I will pray you find the wisdom you are seeking. May God bless you.

Syd said...

I hope that you will have the strength to deal with all of this. There is hope for everyone.