Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Breaking My Silence

With the coming of the New Year, I'm finding my way in a new direction that I have prayed God will guide me through. 2010 was a year that was certainly not devoid of many trials and tribulations.  Since this is a blog that I first started because my son finally admitted to me that he was a drug addict-- I'll start with him.

My son is still living with us.  I thank God every single day for what he has done for B.  My son has a legion of angels, I feel, who have saved his neck from some very close calls with his health.  Now that I begin typing, I realize that I could write a novella on what I mean by this. Alas, time doesn't allow for this.  I will say that my son's diabetes got out of control for him.  As the mother of a drug addict, I still see in my own son a lack of love for himself.  Many of you parents will nod in agreement when I describe how I see B lacking the perseverance to make a decision if he'll go back to school.... get a better paying job (in this terrible economy)... better.  With that I've found an understanding that, as an addict, he is focusing all of his energy of sobriety.  (Before anyone writes the ubiquitous comment that my son should go to meetings-- I get it.  He won't. He will, when he is ready.)

For weeks, my husband and I were concerned that he might be using again.  He'd sleep for long hours and his appetite was gone.  He looked gaunt, and yet he'd go to his job and work hard.  He's paying his rent and car insurance, and all is well.  A few weeks ago, my son left for his methadone dose and we headed to church.  A mother has an instinct when her cubs are in trouble, and I had an uneasy feeling. When we arrived home, B wasn't there. His bed was unmade, which is unusual.  For four hours, I prayed and worried and called a couple of times.

B finally called. He was in the emergency room. He had all the symptoms of a heart attack.  It turns out that was not taking the proper insulin, which he had run out of and not told us.  His blood sugars were through the roof.  He was okay, but shaken and he spent two nights in the hospital.  When he was discharged, it was like I had my son back.  He was energetic and ravenous.  He's taking better care of his diabetes and-- thanks to President Obama-- my son has health insurance again. Amen.

My absence from this blog, I believe, has been my disconnection from my son's addiction.  I have had three years to learn how to adjust and accept that my son is a drug addict.  I have whined, cried, complained, vented and prayed on this blog.  Now, I feel a transition has slowly happened for me. 

I am going to try and write more often on my blog.  The key word is "try".  However, my job has changed and my hours are ridiculously long.  I now work a split shift, and stay in "town" for three hours. I'm using that time to work out at the pool at our gym to lose weight and deal with my new diagnosis of diabetes.  In a strange way, I thank God for my diagnosis.  Because I understand the disease, I know what to do. I managed to get my son's doctor-- who is one of the best in the country-- to take my son back as his patient.  B and I laughed at both of us sitting in the waiting room.  It's weird, to be talking the same language. Yet, it's brought us closer.

I've made progress in detaching from my son's neediness.  He rarely asks me for things. Nothing has gone missing.  Is he using?  Maybe.  My son is fighting a disease where the odds are stacked against him.

The clock tells me I have to go.  I'll wind this up for now--

I thank those of you who still visit my blog and who leave comments. I'm sorry I haven't responded.  I needed to take a break from focusing so much energy on worrying about him.  It is my hope that I can use this blog to write from my heart, and for ME.  By that, I'm not looking for compassion, sympathy nor advice.  I am recommitting my life to follow my love of my Lord and Savior, Jesus.  I'm getting up earlier, to read scripture and to pray and sit quietly.  Today I broke that to blog.  I felt as though I needed to let people know I'm still here. Alive and well.

I'll try to continue my story later. B just got up.


Dad and Mom said...

Glad to hear from you Debby.

clean and crazy said...

glad to hear you are doing well. i was recently diagnosed with diabetes as well. luckily i have manages to keep my A1C's really low and for now i need no medication.

blessings to you and yours in this new year of hope

Annette said...

Glad to see you back.

Heather's Mom said...

Sorry to hear of your diabetes diagnosis, at the same time you seem to be taking it in stride and seeing the positive that you and B can work together (for both your benefit!). Thanks for the update on B, oh what a scare that must have been, but so glad he's got it back under control. And thanks for the update on YOU :)
Happy New Year to you too.
God bless.

Erin said...

So great to hear from you! I have found that the more I have let go of my son the less that I visit these blogs. When I needed them they really really helped but I find if I visit too often I become a little crazy about my son's addiction. He has been clean for about six months, yes one day at a time. He also is still living with me, working full time and right now we are in a very good place. I also am focusing on my relationship with the Lord this year, I found that I was becoming too complacent in this area and want to change that. Take care Debbie. I'm glad that you are all okay.

Hot Mess said...

Nice post. I haven't been checking up on the blogs because I was dwelling in the life of my son's addiction, and reading about others trials, and at first it helped, but then it drained me. Today was the first day I felt like dealing with it. It's nice to tell, to vent...And it's awesome to update those that care, and ask for no advice and no help. Good for you. And it's so good to get a life of your own.

A Mom's Serious Blunder said...

We are living parallel lives only I am not doing nearly as well as you are.