Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day-- I really mean that.

It's Father's Day. B's dad has moved to Oregon (we live on the central coast of California). My father passed away in 1986.

I am thinking of dad's like Ron from "An Addict in our Son's Bedroom. Is your son/daughter with you, dads? Will your addict child send you a father's day card? Or, is your son/daughter incarcerated?

I wanted to say to you dad's, that I feel your pain. Sometimes I look at my son-- 6'3 of him. He's no longer a boy. He's a man. I see the stubble on his chin. His arms and hands look manly. His voice sounds so grown up.

Still, I see that little boy that is captured in the photos I've hung in our hallway. I see that innocent child, in his Oshkosh B'Gosh overalls and miniature sneakers.

Just the other day, I watched my son take a spit test (as opposed to a UA) test. He is standing there, with his stepdad, studying the results of the test.

"This is not the kind of test I envisioned my son taking", I thought to myself. "They should be studying the results of his AP tests."

Dads...moms... let's focus on the fact that we cannot blame ourselves for our child's addiction. There is nothing we could have done to prevent their brains from honing in on wanting the "high" that their drug of choice beckons to them.

Drug of choice... does an addict really choose a drug? Or does the drug choose them?

I pray for all of you dads, that your child will acknowledge today in honor of you. I pray that you will feel loved and appreciated for the tough job it is to be the male role model in your kid's lives.

No matter what lies or betrayals my son worked in our lives, as parents-- I do believe that my son regrets it. He knows he's burned bridges and bankrupted our trust in him.

My son loves his father. I'm doing much better in letting go of my anger towards his father. I can see how easy it is to fall into a co-dependent relationship with our children. I can see why his father enabled him with money. Ultimately, I know that my son adores his father. I have stopped blaming B's dad.

I never had a loving relationship with my own father. I was afraid of him. No matter how hard I've tried, I remember being thrown against walls and being smacked until I wet my pants in fear. His fists hurt. I remember the terror of watching him unbuckle his belt to punish me. I remember my mom's screams, in the night, and the sound of his hands slapping her around. I so wanted to love my dad. It wasn't until the last few years of his life that I made peace with my father. He had found Christianity and it mellowed him out a lot. Still, I could never say I loved my father. He died of cancer, at the age of 64. I think of him, from time to time. I pray he's in heaven and he's found peace from his own demons. God helped me to forgive my father. Not all of my memories are bad of him, but I wish I had felt like "Daddy's Little Girl". I never did. I think it's been the root cause of my insecurities with men.

Parents have such an influence on their kids. My father passed on his short temper to me. It's a constant struggle for me to temper my anger. I've come a long way, but I still struggle against it.

I can only pray for more opportunities to be a motherly role model to my son-- compassionate, wise and loving.


How is B doing? I think he's taking baby steps. He struggles with finances. He's spent hundreds of dollars on bank overdraft charges-- $15.00 checks end up costing him an addition $50.00. He feels frustrated. His car will cost $200.00 to repair (alignment problems). Each week, more expenses come at him-- DMV fees. License Fees. Tax penalties (for bouncing his I.R.S. check). He's closed his checking account, admitting that he can't balance his account, to save his soul. He forgets to keep a check register. He's asking me to help him learn to manage money. He's paying rent and savings to me, faithfully. He's slowly building up a savings for him to move out on his own.

He feels he's unable to stay out of debt and that he'll never get ahead.

I understand. I try to show him how to come up with a debt reduction plan.

Is he clean? I think so. I still think he's in denial about his addiction. I still think he's working his own program, and not the 12-Steps. He believes he can take pain medication (for his injured back), though he's an addict.

He wants to move into a place with a friend, next month. I'm trying to show him that he cannot survive on $400.00 a month, after paying $400.00 a month in rent.

I feel sorrow for my son. He feels his life isn't fun, because he can't make ends meet. I tell him that he's not alone.

I doubt my son sent his dad a Father's Day card. I didn't get a Mother's Day card. It's how he rolls...

I keep praying for my son to find joy and peace in his life, no matter what his present circumstances are. It's how I survived some of the most trying times in my life. I can remember my fear of owing rent for my home and business and no idea how the money would come. I kept praying and trusting in God. Somehow, the rent always happened. I give the glory to God for that. I didn't do it. He answered my prayers, by giving me the courage and strength and wisdom to make it happen.

My son is speaking more of wanting to reconnect with God. He says he wants to come to church with us, this morning.

God is my heavenly Father. Abba Father. Jehovah.

Father, you see all of our tears. You feel our pain. Sometimes, you allow us to drown in our own troubles as a way for us to look up to you for help. When I trust in you, believe in you, ask for your help and seek to know you-- you are there for wipe my tears, fill me with your presence.

Thank you, Father, for loving me and forgiving me.

1 comment:

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Huge warm hug to you. This is a beautiful tribute to fathers, yet painful to read about your own childhood. I am so sorry you had to endure that fear and abuse at the hands of the man who was suppose to be your protector.

Its so good that your husband is a good father to your son.