Thursday, March 26, 2009

... and the truth shall set you free...

I am feeling nauseous and a heavy weight on my heart. I cannot get into details, at this time. Suffice it to say that my son is showing suspicious behavior. I asked him for a test, on the spot-- in my bathroom. Pockets "out" in his pants. I listened to him pee, checked the warmth of the urine.

He's clean for opiates. Dirty, still for THC. It's been too long, for the THC to still test dirty.

B is crying. He says a friend told him that he (the friend) has six months to live. Cancer.
B already lost one friend to suicide (November) and another friend to an overdose on Oxy-contin (in the summer).

B has been avoiding me an accounting for where his money is going. He got his third paycheck yesterday. I really questioned his accounting, when I picked him up from work. He got off 1/2 hour earlier than he said and he wasn't there. His eyes looked weird-- hence, the drug test.

B has financial problems, and he says owes money. He says he can't tell me everything.

It's amazing, the strength I've gained during the last year. Rather than flying off the handle, I feel as though a sense of peace hits me at times like this. I feel as though I need to stay calm, and to keep my voice calm and soothing.

My son is as sick as the secrets he keeps. Addiction is a dirty business. Addicts lie so easily.
My son is still at Step #1. His addiction has made his life unmanageable. My son, cannot manage money-- sober or not.

B just left, with a friend from the program, to go to a meeting. I'm worried, and I know that's fruitless. I don't know if he's really gone to the meeting.

What I do know, is that I have allowed my own self to become complacent in believing my son is out of the woods. Tonight, I am reminded that my son has a serious addiction to smoking heroin. Nine weeks of sobriety is very fragile. Because B cannot drive (no car insurance) I should make it a point to get him to meetings. We live in the country, so buses are not an option.

B works hard, in his new job. So, he goes to sleep early. However, tonight he admitted to me that he's been smoking weed. I thought so, all along. I've heard all the arguments-- that "weed" should be legalized; that weed is a "gateway drug".

To me, it's illegal. Obviously, B isn't working the program-- to it's fullest-- if he is smoking weed. He says that quitting smoking is too hard, and he needs something to help with his cravings to "use".

Oh, boy. Self-medication.

I'm feel very anxious, at this time. I've already had my quiet prayer time. I've stopped asking God to "fix" my son. What I ask God is to reveal the truth, and to give me the wisdom and strength to know what to do.

I am not going to throw B out for smoking weed. I went through his room, and didn't find anything. However, B and I need to have a "come to Jesus" talk on Saturday morning. I'm home, sick, from work. I doubt I'll be well enough to return by tomorrow. I need rest.

I am waiting for B to come home-- within an hour.

I am going to test him again, tomorrow. Just in case.

B and I are going to revisit his terms for living here. I've made it very clear that if he tests positive for opiates, he's gone. I need to reiterate, that if he tests positive for any kind of illegal drugs, he's out. That includes weed.

As far as money goes-- until he pays me rent, he needs to account to me where his money is going. He's borrowing from cash advance places, and that's not a good sign at all.

Is B using? Dear God in Heaven, I pray that he isn't. I'm worried, sick, that I will have to keep my promise to my husband. I do not want to kick my son out of our home, and life.

I hate drugs. I hate cigarettes. I hate lies.

My son thought I wasn't seeing through his explanation for why he has no money. I had my suspicions.

Mom isn't stupid-- especially when it comes to numbers. I owned a business for 15+ years, and I know how to read a Profit & Loss statement. I have a very fast head for numbers.

Something is not adding up. I pray that his money isn't going for drugs.

Oh, how I'm praying that my son is not going to use. He seemed so fragile when he left.

I told him, that I was ready to hear the truth. If he owes money for ... I don't know what... then he needs to be honest with me. I won't give him money to get out of his predicament. But, I will help him to manage his money for a while.

B said that he was going to come clean with his sponsor, tonight. He says he will come clean with me later on.

Dear Father in Heaven-- I pray that you are preparing my son's heart to confess his transgressions to you. Please, help my son to tell me what I need to know. Please, help me to know what I should and should not say to him.

I pray that he is not using opiates. Oh, how I pray that he isn't.

His life is too precious to throw it away like this. Please, God, let him know how much he is loved.

B just came home. Will "blog" more, later.


Anonymous said...

Oh dear, I hope he will come clean, in every way.

Maybe see if you can get him started on some hobbies that will eat up his time and are hopefully productive?

I was looking around, if you have not seen this site, maybe check it out. It seems to have some helpful info as well as some short exercises to get the quitter to think deeper about why they think *they themselves* should quit.

Dad & Mom said...

I hope for the best. It is so easy for us parents to see the truth and to avoid the pain and deny the actions.

We live the same world as you. You like us know all the things that must be done. We struggle with the realities of life with an addict daily. Just know that you are in our thoughts and take of yourself. Your son is in our thoughts too.

Thank you for your post, it helps us all

Lou said...

You probably are already familiar with the term "drug of choice". That means that when the addict cannot get what they prefer, they will use anything else to get high. And that will be "OK" because they are not using the drug that got them in trouble.
Of course it is not OK, and always leads back to the drug of choice.
My son quit heroin for a year and "only" got drunk.
Nope, won't work.