B is clean, only because of methadone. He says he feels "great". He says the methadone helps him to sleep better and feel better. He says he has absolutely no desire to use. Praise God.
I haven't talked to B since Wednesday-- and that's because I am trying to leave him to his own devices. That is, I'm trying to not set myself up for "Mommy Mode". You women know the drill-- Did you call so-and-so... Did you take care of such-and-such? My son has some things to take care of, and I need to let it go. There's one baby step forward, for me!
B's roommate is using heroin again-- freebasing it. B is disgusted with it, and keeps saying that he wishes A would hit bottom. Then we both look at each other, and I say "sound familiar"? He nods and agrees that he now sounds like me.
B will go in on Tuesday for tests to see if he really has Hepatitis-C. We will go forward, from there, based on the results.
So, you see, I am in suspended animation. That's why I haven't been blogging. In some ways, that troubles me-- I have put so much heart and soul into this blog. That's why I invested in redesigning it. Ultimately, I hope that my blog will reach out and touch others. I've noticed that many of the people I grew to know, via this blog, have stopped leaving comments. Some of you still do, and I thank you. I try not to take that personally-- I think I've been so scarce, that I'm not so much on the radar with fellow bloggers who also have a loved one.
So, I ponder-- what direction do I want this blog to go? Maybe I should carve out time --which lately I've had so little of-- to write about what I've learned in the last 21 months-- when I first learn about my son's addiction. I hope and pray, that I won't suddenly find myself with a need to blog every day. I remember those days well-- when my son's addiction was so out of control, I could not find peace.
My son's addiction, at this moment, is a sleeping giant. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. This weekend, I will try and pop in to the blogs on my blogroll. I feel so out of it-- not knowing what's going on in your lives. I'm sorry for that. I guess I'm trying to not focus on the the demon that still calls my son's name.
Later,
Posts
11 comments:
Debby, first I'm happy to hear that B is hanging in there and making progress. Small steps are great. One of the exercises I had to do in my group meeting is write "My Fire Drill." What am I going to do if B starts using again. It is a time to get my thoughts together in advance, it was a time to think of the boundaries I would set and then, God forbid, if it happens, I might feel more in control of my decisions and less like I'm a major codependent spin. It might be an exercise that you want to try.
Don't worry if people aren't commenting. No one is judging. I think first and foremost the blog is still for you to journal your thoughts and feelings. We are just blessed that you share them with us! Hugs and prayers, Lisa
Lisa, that is such great wisdom. I should work on my own "fire escape" plan....which is more how I think of it. What would I do if my son relapses and goes back to his old habits. It's a great suggestion. You are right. This blog started as a way to communicate with my loved ones, because I couldn't deal with all the phone calls-- and repeating my son's progress. Now, it has evolved into, what I hope it will become, is a ministry. I wish I could help every family to heal from the wounds-- but I can't. But, if I can speak to the heart of just ONE person, then it is so worth it.
so happy to hear how B is doing,...that is wonderful. I always read your blog and have been comforted by it. I don't have my own, but I feel like I know so many of you,..and have prayed for your sons and daughters. I am thankful for being able to know the thoughts of yours and other parents of addicts, despite having never thought I'd be one, nor wanted to be one. My own 18 yr. old son is still using, not in our home right now,...and not sure what will happen to him next. Keep writing,..it's important. God helps us and our sons and daughters from this demon of addiction.
Lori
Yay for methadone!! I with Anthony could get on it. There is a good article about it on Recovery Help Desk. I am so glad to hear that B feels great! I hope his roommate moves out and he can get someone clean that he can feel comfortable around.
I understand your reasons for blogging and/or not blogging. I check everyday to see if you've written. I bet your blog "direction" will naturally unfold.
Sending you a hug and hoping that things remain good there!
Debby!! We must get together again, I think of you often and all of you are always in my prayers. I just saw "our" hairdresser a day or two after you! : ) Would love to see you again...
That's great news about B! Will keep him in my prayers for the testing. Breaks my heart to hear about his roommate though.
As for the direction of your blog - LisaC is correct, (at least for me) the blog is foremost for your journaling - to help you as you need it. No one is judging you - AND - what you have written is already up and helping "new parents" who are probably still busy reading your 2008 posts!
Do what you need to do for you, none of us need more pressure in our lives, write when and if you feel like it. There is a blog that has been helpful to many people trying to get off oxys, and he only writes like 5xs a year... (oxycontin.blogspot)...
love & huggs to you :)
I also agree with Lisa's comment and we are here for you. I think the blogging is a personal preference by each of us and I know I write when I just feel like it and read most every day. I don't think anyone is judging, they may try to give advice sometimes, but not judging you or your situation. It is your blog and it is for you. It has been helpful to many to read it also. I keep you and B in my prayers. Blessings--Renee
awww debby, we all still read you!!
for me, and maybe for others, i dont' know, i guess your optimism scares the willies out of me.
i have been right where you are many many times. then, i have seen my daughter relapse.
i pray your son does not. however, this is exactly why i dont' comment.
because if i do, it will be to caution you to be cautious. it's okay to give it to God, but don't get your hopes up too far. God may have a plan for your son, but you may NOT understand that plan, and it may include relapse after relapse.
it's very dangerous to celebrate sobriety that is less than 10 years. it's okay to be happy, but don't be complacent.
Debby, the thoughts you shared here: So, I ponder-- what direction do I want this blog to go? Maybe I should carve out time --which lately I've had so little of-- to write about what I've learned in the last 21 months-- when I first learn about my son's addiction. I hope and pray, that I won't suddenly find myself with a need to blog every day. I remember those days well-- when my son's addiction was so out of control, I could not find peace. resonate so deeply with me.
I was thinking about it the other day, how different life is today than it was for us, now, four years ago. "It's" always out there, never far from our minds, but still it seems like the past. Cautious optimism, as fractalmom urges, that's what we have. Yet faith pushes us towards more.
Hang in there and write when you feel led, whatever you feel led. God uses your words to speak into other lives. And it's okay for you to have a life outside the warp that addiction puts people in, if that makes sense.
Hugs, love, and prayers,
Cheri
Please tell him to stay on the methadone indefinitely. It is working. When his detox is over he will have a methadone habit and will be sicker then he ever felt in his life. Just stay on it It is cheap. I'm so happy for the both of you.
Angelo
Hi Debby, I read every blog you write - even if I have to catch up on several at a time. Keep blogging. There would be a hole in the blogging world if you stopped.
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