Tuesday, November 24, 2009

An update with some encouragement and hope, sprinkled with a little worry

Dear Friends, Family, Followers and First Time Visitors to my blog:

I haven't written in a while. In my head, I've been blogging, but I haven't really sat down to compose something to share.

The words from Lou still haunt me-- and I am paraphrasing-- that it would be nice to share something positive. I took that to heart, because I need to focus on the joyous moments so that I don't continue to sit in a room filled with worry and despair.

How is my son?  Oh, it's all so complicated. I'm not ready to share all of it, because I need a quiet time to really compose a synopsis.  My son is convinced that a methadone clinic is the way to go. I have my reservations on that, and am open to feedback from addicts who are well-versed in this.

Positive things-- My son and I have grown so close, since he's moved out.  I sense he is truly listening to me. He is asking me for advice and feedback. I've learned to not lecture. I feel as though we are have "real" conversations-- almost "adult" conversations. I think he still lies, but I keep my guard up and my options "open". I accept and understand that addicts lie so easily. It's all part of how they find a way to buy drugs and to use.  There are times, though, when B really pours his heart out to me.  For that reason, I don't share it on my blog. I feel this is between the two of us.  It's a victory, I feel, when my son trusts me enough to say anything-- and, painful as it might be, he wants me to know. He has let me into his world of addiction, trying to help me to understand how and why addicts can't stay clean.  Me, being sober and mature, sees the answers right before me. But, my son, is blinded by the bondage of addiction and the evil that surrounds it.

My sense is that B is realizing that as long as he is in the world of not actively being in a recovery program, that his life will always be one crisis over another. He has made some desperate choices that has caused him to always be broke. He is struggling at his job, saying he's on the verge of being fired.  His hours have been cut back so much, that he barely makes enough money to pay his rent-- let alone, buy drugs. My observations-- my son is known to be a good and hard worker.  He's forgetful, though, at times. He's dependable, though, coming to work on time. On my advice, I told him to come in at least 10 minutes early, stay at least 10 minutes late. Do his work, and a little extra that nobody asked him to do.  I have heard that his current boss is a very shady character, who is under indictment for embezzling $200,000.00 from his former employer. He's a sex addict, coke addict and not the most stellar person to work for.  More drama, huh? We shall see...'nuff said.

B still hasn't handled getting his car fixed. He's walking, bicycling and getting rides from various people.

According to B, he is 12 days clean, only because he's buying methadone from a "friend".  He has an intake scheduled sometime this week at a local methadone clinic.  I went in there, with my son.  It costs $375.00 a month, cash. No insurance. No credit cards.  I've decided to take the money from his dwindling trust fund for a 30-day detox program. We shall see...

B has gone to a few NA meetings and two Celebrate Recovery meetings with me. (More on that on another day.)

This Sunday,  B called and asked if we'd pick him up and take him to church. It was one of the most moving and well done services ever. It was all about testimonies.  Two people shared their story on addiction, and how they're lives were changed by their faith. I could see my son, totally engrossed, in the entire message. He didn't move or fidget.  Afterwards, B said how moved he was. His eyes were moist.

I've had my son over several nights, last week, to join us at dinner.  There are so many things going on in B's life-- and I will share them, when I am ready.  I feel such sorrow for my son's lack of peace in his life. We talk, at the dinner table. It's sacred time. He helps to clean up the kitchen, and asks to take a shower. Then, I take him home. B knows he can't come home again. He says he wants to be on his own. But, I can sense he misses the peace in our house. My home is my sanctuary and it's I'm happiest hanging out right there-- even in my kitchen.

My prayer, today, is that B's roommate will be put into a situation that he will go into a rehab.  M is spiraling back into such a deep addiction, that he is either going to overdose or end up in jail.  B says it's so hard to resist using, when his roommate is stealing his diabetes needles and is now injecting heroin. My son has always said that, despite his being a diabetic, he cannot fathom, sticking a needle into his vein.B has one good friend, who is clean. I hope that C will move in with my son so that they can share expenses and ...well... I can only hope. M needs to be out of my son's life. M needs help.

I am also praying for the mother, whose son was arrested for drug paraphernalia. I did build up the courage to tell her my story. I invited her to our new Nar-Anon meeting on Monday-- which, I just found out, our fellow blogger "Chai Latte" from "Hurting Parents/Addicted Son" has started! I will be there, on Monday! I can't wait to meet you and to hug you!

I need to make the time to read the blogs on my blog roll-- to see how the rest of your are doing.  I haven't been blogging on my food blog, either.  I'm trying to make time, at night, to talk to my husband... maybe watch a TV program I've recorded, and to go to sleep early enough to stay rested.

If I don't post anything on Thanksgiving Day-- I pray for the families of "lost" addicts-- that they would be gathered together to reconnect again. I pray for healing for families who lives have been shattered apart by addiction.

I am cooking dinner for four people-- my son being one of them.  Despite an unexpected journey as the mother of a drug addict, I still feel that my life is so blessed.  I am happily married. I love my job. I have wonderful friends, who are dearly treasured by me-- my BFF, Pat being #1 "sister" in my life. I love my church. I feel a bond with my fellow bloggers, and anonymous commenters in this blog. You have given me so much support, and I thank you.

I should stop for now. As usual, I was only going to write a paragraph and now I've written a novel. I type at least 80 WPM, so my fingers can fly on a keyboard. Sorry if I'm rambling too much--

Above all-- I am thankful that I am a believer in Jesus Christ.  He is my rock and my foundation, and I have been filled with strength and courage from his promise that he will never leave me or forsake me.

May your lives be filled with the power and presence of His everlasting love!


clean and crazy said...

hi there,
first i want to tell you that i think you are an amazing mother and that none of this is your fault. it is easy to keep blaming ourselves when wrapped up in worry for the addict that still suffers. then you asked for some advice, from this little addicts perspective here is what i think;
1. get him a copy of the NA basic text. see if he will read it. that is the first step.
2. he needs to be in NA. i know church works for some but for an addict, the therapeutic value of one addict helping another, is without parallel.
3. he needs to reach out in NA and get a sponsor. NA is not a religious program, it is spiritual and he needs to focus on that.
for me and for a lot of addicts the word "God" or "Jesus Christ" is very scary. the program teaches us to live by spiritual principles, to forget everything we think we know about a higher power and to learn to trust and have faith in a higher power. a lot of us, after working the steps and realizing that the god of our understanding is loving and caring, go to church, a lot of addicts learn to have faith through the program. you cannot force recovery to an addict, it is our nature to rebel against anything we "have to" do. that is why it is so important in our program that we only give suggestions. we put the responsibility of being in recovery back on ourselves. once we find this it gives us self respect and we feel good about being ourselves. so if you go to na.org you can go and find NA meetings in your area.

i guess my suggestion is he needs NA first then church. in NA we believe in the disease of addiction, our literature tells us that there is no cure, it is progressive and can be fatal. but we do recover and unfortunately this program is not for those who need it, else everyone would work it, it is for those who want it, because it is the addicts choice to work the program or not. it sounds like he may be ready. happy thanksgiving!!

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Clean and Crazy-- thank you for your wonderful wisdom. I always "assume" that most people know that my son IS a believer. I have never shoved "God" down his throat. B has willingly gone to bible studies, willingly gone to church, and willingly asked for a bible and he'll read it once in a while.
B does go to NA meetings, and likes them. It's just a matter of him not finding reasons to NOT go.
B believes in the 12 steps.
B and I believe that we need a Higher Power to succeed.
B and I both realize that when we are spiritually bankrupt, life is constantly a struggle with little hope.
I have told my son that if and when he wants to come to church, all he has to do is ask for a ride.
Ironically, it was my son who brought me to the church I now belong to. My son was going there, on a regular basis!

My own personal belief-- that before I found God as my Higher Power, I lived a life based on my own philosophy as to what was good. I did things then, that were shameful, immoral and I hurt a lot of people. Today, I cannot make the same choices that I used to make. Because I want to be obedient to God, and I know the difference between an immoral life and have better morals, I have found joy in my life-- even during hardship.

Does that make sense?

Thank you for your response.

Fractalmom said...

so uh. yah. methadone clinics.

there isn't one ANYWHERE that is only 30 days.

it takes at least that long to arrive at the 'maintenance dose'. then, they usually require you to be in the program for a year before they will even consider tapering down.

and they don't LIKE to do that, and will fight it, because, well, it's a BUSINESS, a very BIG BUCKS business.

suboxone would be a better bet if you can find a dr in your area licensed to prescribe it.

at least with suboxone, although they still relapse....there ARE success stories, ALL of which INVOLVE N.A. meetings and a strong support system, new friends entirely, changing your life completely etc.

methadone to me, is for the addicts who actually know they aren't ever going to stop and if they don't have methadone, they will use.

course, that's just me...my kid is on her third methadone clinic. this time, welfare pays for it with her medical card. the other two times WE paid for it for two years each time...at 100/week.

good luck and i will pray

Mom of Opiate Addict said...

One thing my counselor told me sticks in my mind. She often said to "raise his bottom". I tried to help my son detox with medication one time. Now I tell him if he can get the suboxone or methadone on his own and that is his choice, fine, but I am not helping him get it. I guess they have to find their own recovery, us wanting it so bad still doesn't make them do it unfortunetly. I hope he sees soon what he must do as well as my own son. God Bless.

Dad and Mom said...


Our son once mentioned suboxone to us and that he thought that would work. So he went out and got some from his "friend". Same old thing. He has mentioned methadone, same old thing.

I am not a doctor nor a drug counselor and I admit to being wrong in the past. But there is no way I can understand and endorse trading one addiction for another, be it methadone or suboxone. As I have told Alex, there is no easy path out of this jungle. You will hack, chop and fight every step. Plus with every step there are traps to ensnare you and animals stalking you to take you back into what you were. Addicts BELIEVE a pill or injection can solve any ailment, including addiction. They are blind to what is required because the addiction has provided all of their answers for so long. SOBRIETY IS WORK.

Of all things I have studied about this problem there is no 100% success. But from what I have seen NA and AA provide the best results and the longest lasting results. I personally have never been an addict but from what I have been told NA is work. It is support and it is treatment.

I hate saying this to you but I have never held my tongue in the past and I hope you respect me for at least saying what I interpret. B is playing you with your church. Go back and read your posts from an outside person perspective. B goes to church you reward. B talks to you about church and god you reward. B may actually be going thinking this is going to solve his problem but he is waiting for his prayers, your prayers and god to solve this problem. He wants it easy and it ain't going to happen that way. He has to begin doing the work. If B wants to go to church, you jump. If he wants to go tell him to go, walk ride or whatever. That's how he gets to work or anywhere else.

Church and spirituality has a place but Clean and Crazy is right. He needs NA more than he needs church right now in his life. When he comes out the other side the if he needs church let him find his own way.

Dad and Mom said...

Debby, please go and read this posting.


LisaC said...

There is truth and wisdom in every single comment to your blog tonight. And regardless of what works for any other addict and any other family, what will work for B is B. He has to want sober and healthy more than he wants "high." Using drugs, whether suboxone or methadone simply dulls the withdrawal pains, but it keeps them addicted. I believe that with all my heart. At best, if an addict is truly working a program, whether it is 12-step or something else, then suboxone or methadone can take off the edge, but that is all it will do for them. B has to decide. I truly believe recovery is achievable, but not because we want it for them, because they want it more than anything else.

I feel your pain, but I also feel your strength, your hope, your love for your son. Your faith will keep you strong, and your love for your son will keep your heart "soft," the way a mother's heart should be. I will continue to pray for you and hope that you can be thankful this Thanksgiving for all you have in life, including a son that you love.

Annette said...

Debby, when I read this post, I just think...Keep the focus on yourself. That is the only person you have any control over.

Angelo said...

The 30 day methadone detox will not work. He will be addicted to the meth. Meth stays in your system a long time. Get him on suboxone. It is generic now at about $2.45 a pill. The meth programes in NY, NJ area are about $35.00 a week. I don't know why there so expensive thee. Methadone is very cheap. I got a week clean today on suboxone. Again. I so glad to see you very happy. You write very well to.


Cheri said...

There are times, though, when B really pours his heart out to me.

Right before our son went to rehab, there was six to eight months where I saw this same pattern. My son, so prone to lying, would give me a glimpse into his true heart. I knew it was real, but I also knew it came and went. But to see that B is doing this is encouraging to me regarding your relationship.

This Sunday, B called and asked if we'd pick him up and take him to church. It was one of the most moving and well done services ever. It was all about testimonies. Two people shared their story on addiction, and how they're lives were changed by their faith. I could see my son, totally engrossed, in the entire message. He didn't move or fidget. Afterwards, B said how moved he was. His eyes were moist.

Whether or not B "played you" as was suggested in a previous comment, he was present where the Word of God was shared, seeds were planted, and God's word NEVER comes back void. I don't believe he faked being moved by what he heard and saw there.

Every comment here reflects honesty and truth and wisdom. We are continuing to pray for you.

Hugs and blessings,
Cheri and Wayne