An update with some encouragement and hope, sprinkled with a little worry

Dear Friends, Family, Followers and First Time Visitors to my blog:

I haven't written in a while. In my head, I've been blogging, but I haven't really sat down to compose something to share.

The words from Lou still haunt me-- and I am paraphrasing-- that it would be nice to share something positive. I took that to heart, because I need to focus on the joyous moments so that I don't continue to sit in a room filled with worry and despair.

How is my son?  Oh, it's all so complicated. I'm not ready to share all of it, because I need a quiet time to really compose a synopsis.  My son is convinced that a methadone clinic is the way to go. I have my reservations on that, and am open to feedback from addicts who are well-versed in this.

Positive things-- My son and I have grown so close, since he's moved out.  I sense he is truly listening to me. He is asking me for advice and feedback. I've learned to not lecture. I feel as though we are have "real" conversations-- almost "adult" conversations. I think he still lies, but I keep my guard up and my options "open". I accept and understand that addicts lie so easily. It's all part of how they find a way to buy drugs and to use.  There are times, though, when B really pours his heart out to me.  For that reason, I don't share it on my blog. I feel this is between the two of us.  It's a victory, I feel, when my son trusts me enough to say anything-- and, painful as it might be, he wants me to know. He has let me into his world of addiction, trying to help me to understand how and why addicts can't stay clean.  Me, being sober and mature, sees the answers right before me. But, my son, is blinded by the bondage of addiction and the evil that surrounds it.

My sense is that B is realizing that as long as he is in the world of not actively being in a recovery program, that his life will always be one crisis over another. He has made some desperate choices that has caused him to always be broke. He is struggling at his job, saying he's on the verge of being fired.  His hours have been cut back so much, that he barely makes enough money to pay his rent-- let alone, buy drugs. My observations-- my son is known to be a good and hard worker.  He's forgetful, though, at times. He's dependable, though, coming to work on time. On my advice, I told him to come in at least 10 minutes early, stay at least 10 minutes late. Do his work, and a little extra that nobody asked him to do.  I have heard that his current boss is a very shady character, who is under indictment for embezzling $200,000.00 from his former employer. He's a sex addict, coke addict and not the most stellar person to work for.  More drama, huh? We shall see...'nuff said.

B still hasn't handled getting his car fixed. He's walking, bicycling and getting rides from various people.

According to B, he is 12 days clean, only because he's buying methadone from a "friend".  He has an intake scheduled sometime this week at a local methadone clinic.  I went in there, with my son.  It costs $375.00 a month, cash. No insurance. No credit cards.  I've decided to take the money from his dwindling trust fund for a 30-day detox program. We shall see...

B has gone to a few NA meetings and two Celebrate Recovery meetings with me. (More on that on another day.)

This Sunday,  B called and asked if we'd pick him up and take him to church. It was one of the most moving and well done services ever. It was all about testimonies.  Two people shared their story on addiction, and how they're lives were changed by their faith. I could see my son, totally engrossed, in the entire message. He didn't move or fidget.  Afterwards, B said how moved he was. His eyes were moist.

I've had my son over several nights, last week, to join us at dinner.  There are so many things going on in B's life-- and I will share them, when I am ready.  I feel such sorrow for my son's lack of peace in his life. We talk, at the dinner table. It's sacred time. He helps to clean up the kitchen, and asks to take a shower. Then, I take him home. B knows he can't come home again. He says he wants to be on his own. But, I can sense he misses the peace in our house. My home is my sanctuary and it's I'm happiest hanging out right there-- even in my kitchen.

My prayer, today, is that B's roommate will be put into a situation that he will go into a rehab.  M is spiraling back into such a deep addiction, that he is either going to overdose or end up in jail.  B says it's so hard to resist using, when his roommate is stealing his diabetes needles and is now injecting heroin. My son has always said that, despite his being a diabetic, he cannot fathom, sticking a needle into his vein.B has one good friend, who is clean. I hope that C will move in with my son so that they can share expenses and ...well... I can only hope. M needs to be out of my son's life. M needs help.

I am also praying for the mother, whose son was arrested for drug paraphernalia. I did build up the courage to tell her my story. I invited her to our new Nar-Anon meeting on Monday-- which, I just found out, our fellow blogger "Chai Latte" from "Hurting Parents/Addicted Son" has started! I will be there, on Monday! I can't wait to meet you and to hug you!

I need to make the time to read the blogs on my blog roll-- to see how the rest of your are doing.  I haven't been blogging on my food blog, either.  I'm trying to make time, at night, to talk to my husband... maybe watch a TV program I've recorded, and to go to sleep early enough to stay rested.

If I don't post anything on Thanksgiving Day-- I pray for the families of "lost" addicts-- that they would be gathered together to reconnect again. I pray for healing for families who lives have been shattered apart by addiction.

I am cooking dinner for four people-- my son being one of them.  Despite an unexpected journey as the mother of a drug addict, I still feel that my life is so blessed.  I am happily married. I love my job. I have wonderful friends, who are dearly treasured by me-- my BFF, Pat being #1 "sister" in my life. I love my church. I feel a bond with my fellow bloggers, and anonymous commenters in this blog. You have given me so much support, and I thank you.

I should stop for now. As usual, I was only going to write a paragraph and now I've written a novel. I type at least 80 WPM, so my fingers can fly on a keyboard. Sorry if I'm rambling too much--

Above all-- I am thankful that I am a believer in Jesus Christ.  He is my rock and my foundation, and I have been filled with strength and courage from his promise that he will never leave me or forsake me.

May your lives be filled with the power and presence of His everlasting love!