I have taken a two month hiatus from this blog. I really needed it. Thank you for the sporadic emails I've been sent-- many of you have done so anonymously, so I couldn't answer back. I'm gearing up to continue on sharing my story. But, not today.
I just wanted everyone to know that my son is still living with me. He is beginning to try to detox from methadone. I won't get into the details for now.
I will say that I am praying for him, that he can be free from methadone... free from using heroin again. He is fighting a huge battle, but he really wants to find a way to grow up and be clean and sober.
I've gone through some major job changes, too. I've also been on vacation with my husband, and we needed it. I've also met a lovely woman, at my new job, who shares my story. She's lovely. We speak the same language. She understands. She doesn't judge me. I don't judge her. She doesn't tell me what I'm doing wrong, or what I should do. I do the same for her.
I do know this. Being the parent of a drug addict is a long and arduous journey. It is filled with a lot of pain. Seeing my son showing the symptoms of withdrawal breaks my heart. In my own case-- and nobody's story is alike... similar, but never alike-- there have been hurdles that have been climbed and small victories.
My son is still living with us, and he's been no problem. He's been respectful and nothing has gone missing. He never was a thief. A manipulator, yes. Thief, no.
He has kept his job for over a year. Amen. For a drug addict, that's huge. He's also been at a second job, in the restaurant business, since May. He loves it. They love him.
He's had one hospital emergency for his diabetes. I hope it woke him up to take care of himself.
By the Grace of God, my son and I have healed in our relationship. He will turn 22 years old, in two weeks. I have finally learned to let go and let God. I really mean it.
That is most likely why I haven't been blogging much. I don't feel a need to vent via this blog, any longer. When I see my son's habitual procrastination, I have learned to just let him suffer his own consequences. I've finally realized that my son thrives on drama. He thrives on the thrill of waiting to do something until the very last second. Somehow, in a strange way, he seems to learn from his own consequences.
What a concept.
I have also come to better understand the difference between "co-dependence" and just being a good and loving mom. I have finally learned that I cannot be responsible for my son's own happiness. I need to let him dig his own holes, and climb out of them on his own.
I see promise in my son. My son is finally maturing into a young man. Yes, he is still a drug addict. He always will be. Sometimes, the mom in me feel sad at how lonely he must feel at times. He works 7 days a week. When he's not working, he's a home. He watches TV and reads. He can't afford to go out and do much. He pays us rent, for his car insurance and a portion of his methadone treatment.
And that brings us back to why he feels motivated to get off methadone. He can't afford it. It's a stretch for us, too. My son also realizes that he will be chained to the methadone clinic, and that limits where he can move. Move out, he will. He has been given until after the holidays. He knows that, and he agrees that it's time. We will have given him nine months to save money (we are holding it for him) towards future rentals. It won't be easy. He knows it. We know it.
But I won't stress about that. I have no control over the future. I live in the NOW. I live in faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
I am doing okay, overall. I have days when I feel deep sadness for my son. But I rejoice in his baby steps. Above everything else, I rejoice in the healing that has gone on between my son and me. I thank God for his Grace and Mercy.
I continue to praise Him. My Creator, my God of Hope.
I pray that those of you who read this, will feel my own hope. Maybe I can touch someone else's heart and live them up.
Until later,
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