This comment was left on my blog yesterday. Ryan-- whomever you are, thank you for your honest feelings and suggestions. I wanted to post this, today, to share this with other moms. I have to remember that my son doesn't measure time the same way that I do-- because I am sober and he's not. I think my son wants to be sober, but he is trying to do this alone. He can't. I hope that you will continue to visit me, and talk to me. I respect your anonymity.
Anonymous said...
Hello.. My name is Ryan and I have been reading your blog for about 3 months now. I am 23 and an opiate addict myself. I initially started reading your blog to gain perspective on how it must be for my mother dealing with an addict. I feel horrible for all mothers in this situation but I feel just as horrible for the addict whose parents make getting sober that much more difficult. I am not at all insinuating you are making things difficult for your son as you are doing the best you can. But take what I say with a grain of salt... I am sure by now you have figured out an addict doesnt just get sober over night. It is a battle everyday. A day in the life of an addict feels like a solid week compared to that of a sober person. A week feels like a month and a month feels like a year. You may not understand why your son cant make it more than 5 days. Hopefully that gives you a little insight. I know you feel he needs to be on his own as most parents do at our age. That is perfectly fine, but as long as he is in the situation he is in there is no hope of him getting sober unless he has the will of GOD. You shouldn't feel guilty for helping him get into a situation that allows him the best possiblity for sobriety. Whether that be at your home or a sober roomate. They tell us in rehab that our odds are 1/20 of getting sober. Help create the best possible odds for him assuming he really does want to get sober. Everyone is different but for me I had to move back home. I love my mother very much just as he does you. Being around her daily and having that responsibilty to her helps me tremendously. Yes it sucks if I want to get high but her presence humbles me. She always knows when I am high. You should too. All you have to do is look for the pinpoint pupils in your sons eyes. I am by no means in recovery yet as I just recently relapsed from a 34 day sobriety streak. But I know what doesn't help me and a roomate situation like that would eventually take me off the deep end. Get him out of there ASAP. Maybe I am wrong but thats just my 2 cents. On a positive note, I enjoy reading your blogs and they have definately been of help to me as it helps me feel the pain I cause to my own mother. I hope all works out for your son as this is a miserable existence. But remember we will be better people because of it in the end
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Thank you Debby AND Ryan. This was just what I needed to hear as I prepare a place for my son to return home to when he gets our of rehab. I think, for my boy (and he truly is a boy not a man) its best for him to be here.
Ryan, thanks for your candid thoughts and helping us mom's see things a bit differently. None of us ever imagined we'd be dealing with this, its sort of "learn as you go" and I for one have made many mistakes along the way but keep trying to figure out what is best.
Wow...we get a lot of interesting posts and more likely we get a lot of feedback from others about what we should be doing. I am glad Ryan posted anonymously and gave an opinion.
I can only say you need to do what you feel is right in your heart, head and soul for B. Each story and each event, especially in the world of addiction is anecdotal and individual.
I think of you and your strength often. You and B are in my prayers.
I agree. Every one of our journey with our addicted loved, while similar, is individual and different. All we can do is the best in our own recovery while still loving our kids. It is like a tightrope some days, a very fine line as to what to do in any of the situations we are placed in. Again, I think it comes down to what is best for ourselves and our own peace. Thanks for the post. And to Ryan, I wish for you continued sobriety and happiness.
Debby,
Thanks for sharing Ryan's post; and Ryan, thanks for sharing your experience with us moms. My son is in recovery and has been successful so far, but when I read what Ryan had to say about knowing when he was high, it was so true.
And as MOA shared, each of our journeys is both similar and individual. The best thing is that we can all be there for one another. To that end, I wanted to let you know, Debby, that I posted something at Glass House that might be of encouragement to you. I also shared your blog for prayer purposes. You can read it here: http://glasshouseministries.blogspot.com/2009/11/breathing-life-into-dead-places.html
God bless you,
Cheri
Thanks again to Ryan,...please share some more of your thoughts when you can Ryan. We moms (and dads) need your insight.
wow, i got goosebumps! how very sweet and humbling.
i guess i can be so judgmental sounding at times, for me i only quit once, my saving grace was that i never, i mean i could NEVER hit my own veins. i tried but missed every single time.
so when he left me i had to get clean, i was desperate enough to not go back looking for it. i was very, very lucky. by the grace of god go i. i will say a prayer for both our boys here. and remember them when i take the moment of silence in that next meeting hall.
He basical said what I been saying. He has to get out of that situation he is in at that guys house. I don't suggest taking him in though. He will get comfortable again and it will start all over again. Unless you really lay down the law with meeting, suboxone, urins etc. You really get this disease and your the best example that I see of a person dealing with this in the right way. I agree with Ryan in B has to get out of that enviorment before the bad things that happen with using drugs happens. Jail, institutions and death and overdoses violence etc. I mentioned this before but maybe the trust fund money can help B get a rooming house. I know you hate the situation he is in.
Angelo
I think it really is a strength that you parents have to continue searching, hoping, looking for answers. As a recovering addict that really wants to help, it feels so very powerful to know that you consider every aspect and are willing to hear what someone on the "other side" has to tell you. Thank you so much for posting this.
Debbie -
Thanks for sharing Ryan's post. I realize that I need to read more from "the other side"!
well. I have the following to say to any parent of an addict who is entertaining the idea of letting the addict live in their home while they attempt sobriety.
any other kids in the home? (bad move)
do you work or can you devote your entire life to 'assisting' the addict in his/her quest.
can you sleep with your purse and all your valuables?
can you provide 24 hour eagle eye watching?
can you use every single iota of your energy on the addict and leave nothing for yourself?
I don't hate addicts. I hate what they and the addiction do to the real victims, the families of addicts.
we spent almost 8 years trying to be supportive and allowing our addict to be surrounded by loving family members to help her find sobriety. She went on to have two children, steal us blind, and screw up my relationship with her three siblings who ended up hating her for taking their mom away from them because all of my energy ended up going to 'being supportive' and also taking care of her children while she was still using over and over.
Yah, if you are single, have a good income, work from home and have lots of time and energy to devote to your son, maybe it's a good idea.
but truthfully, an addict who WANTS to get clean will find a way.
anything else is just plain old enabling. Not supportive.
Ask anyone who has been there for over 10 years with a heroin addict child, male or female. Living in the home DOES NOT WORK.
And, it puts you at risk of losing your home in a drug bust.
just my opinion.
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