I feel as though my blog is headed in a direction that isn't working for me, at this time. I read the six comments from the post that I just deleted (and from a few previous posts as well), and it gave me pause to realize some important things.
- I'm discovering that I'm starting to take comments too personally.
- I'm feeling as though I need to defend my faith, to those who are not familiar with Christian beliefs.
- Sometimes, I read comments and I feel as though I'm being judged. I hurts, dammit. (Pardon my "French".)
I, sometimes, feel as though some commentators don't give me credit for being pretty aware of what co-dependence is. I pretty much understand what enabling is.I'm not perfect. I make mistakes based on a mother's heart. Sometimes I am weak, and can't say no. Other times, I'm strong and say no.
So, I wonder. Is this really the direction I want my blog to be? To feel as though I need to defend my beliefs in God? I think what hurts me the most is when I read comments that I interpret that I'm being advised that I cannot force my son to follow God.I hurts, because I don't do that. I pray for my son. But, I have never forced my son to go to church. Never. See? That hits a nerve with me. I get these ideas that people, who don't know me, must perceive me as some religious zealout? My blog is faith-based. I've never sugar-coated that. Somehow, last night, I felt ... it's hard to describe. It was a combination of feeling weary about defending my faith... feeling as though I'm doing it all wrong. Then, when I read a comment that I read on another blog-- someone who made a very snippy comment that I interpreted as-- well, if you're not following the Al-Anon way, then you're basically an idiot. That's how I interpreted it.
Bottom line-- there is not just one way to deal with being the parent of a drug addict. There isn't a steadfast rule we must follow. Those of you who are miles....days...years ahead of me... please try to remember what it was like for you when you first found out your daughter/son/husband/wife became an addict. Maybe my path of learning is by making mistakes. Maybe I need to find out what does or doesn't work, on my own. Al-Anon has worked wonders for many folks. It hasn't for me. I don't judge those who swear it's "the only way". Please don't judge me for not feelin' it. Maybe it's where I live, and I'm not fortunate to have found the right Al-Anon group. I'm still searching.
While I welcome helpful advice, I'm finding myself taken aback at comments that point out what I should have done "their way" or differently. Now, my defense mechanisms are turning on and my insecurities and doubts are starting to resurface. I think what hurts most, is when I feel as though I must defend my faith and beliefs about God. My blog was originally supposed to be my way of letting my friends and loved ones know how much son is doing. At times, my blog been a wonderful way to learn new perspectives or resources. I have always hoped that my blog would touch someone else's heart.
But, last night, something snapped in me. I just felt-- out of sorts.I have some thinking to do again. Suddenly, I'm not enjoying my own blog the way that I once did. I almost wonder if I should go private, so that I can journal without feeling judged. I guess I'm more of an "encourager" to people. Today, I'm feeling discouraged ...or misunderstood...or unfairly judged. Maybe I'm just tired and stressed.
It's how I'm feeling right now. This, too, shall pass. When I feel this way, this is when I back away and sort things through.