Monday, October 18, 2010

I'm still here...

Dear Followers, Friends, Family and New Guests,

I have taken a two month hiatus from this blog. I really needed it.  Thank you for the sporadic emails I've been sent-- many of you have done so anonymously, so I couldn't answer back.  I'm gearing up to continue on sharing my story. But, not today.

I just wanted everyone to know that my son is still living with me.  He is beginning to try to detox from methadone.  I won't get into the details for now.

I will say that I am praying for him, that he can be free from methadone... free from using heroin again. He is fighting a huge battle, but he really wants to find a way to grow up and be clean and sober.

I've gone through some major job changes, too.  I've also been on vacation with my husband, and we needed it. I've also met a lovely woman, at my new job, who shares my story. She's lovely. We speak the same language. She understands. She doesn't judge me. I don't judge her. She doesn't tell me what I'm doing wrong, or what I should do. I do the same for her.

I do know this.   Being the parent of a drug addict is a long and arduous journey.  It is filled with a lot of pain.  Seeing my son showing the symptoms of withdrawal breaks my heart. In my own case-- and nobody's story is alike... similar, but never alike-- there have been hurdles that have been climbed and small victories.

My son is still living with us, and he's been no problem. He's been respectful and nothing has gone missing. He never was a thief. A manipulator, yes. Thief, no.

He has kept his job for over a year. Amen. For a drug addict, that's huge. He's also been at a second job, in the restaurant business, since May. He loves it. They love him.

He's had one hospital emergency for his diabetes.  I hope it woke him up to take care of himself.

By the Grace of God, my son and I have healed in our relationship.  He will turn 22 years old, in two weeks. I have finally learned to let go and let God. I really mean it.

That is most likely why I haven't been blogging much.  I don't feel a need to vent via this blog, any longer.  When I see my son's habitual procrastination, I have learned to just let him suffer his own consequences.  I've finally realized that my son thrives on drama. He thrives on the thrill of waiting to do something until the very last second.  Somehow, in a strange way, he seems to learn from his own consequences.

What a concept.

I have also come to better understand the difference between "co-dependence" and just being a good and loving mom.  I have finally learned that I cannot be responsible for my son's own happiness. I need to let him dig his own holes, and climb out of them on his own. 

I see promise in my son.  My son is finally maturing into a young man. Yes, he is still a drug addict. He always will be. Sometimes, the mom in me feel sad at how lonely he must feel at times. He works 7 days a week. When he's not working, he's a home. He watches TV and reads.  He can't afford to go out and do much. He pays us rent, for his car insurance and a portion of his methadone treatment.

And that brings us back to why he feels motivated to get off methadone. He can't afford it. It's a stretch for us, too. My son also realizes that he will be chained to the methadone clinic, and that limits where he can move. Move out, he will. He has been given until after the holidays. He knows that, and he agrees that it's time. We will have given him nine months to save money (we are holding it for him) towards future rentals. It won't be easy. He knows it. We know it.

But I won't stress about that. I have no control over the future. I live in the NOW. I live in faith in my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

I am doing okay, overall.  I have days when I feel deep sadness for my son. But I rejoice in his baby steps. Above everything else, I rejoice in the healing that has gone on between my son and me. I thank God for his Grace and Mercy. 

I continue to praise Him. My Creator, my God of Hope.

I pray that those of you who read this, will feel my own hope. Maybe I can touch someone else's heart and live them up.

Until later,


steveroni said...

Dear Mother (Debbie) will touch many hearts as you blog along (again). Some will cry with you, some laugh with joy, some 'sigh', and some will pray with and for you.

You write that you will share 'this' and not 'that'. Hopefully you will use this forum to grow...and help others to grow. Blessings! Good to 'see' you again, girl!

Steve E

Tom at Recovery Helpdesk said...

Nice to hear that you and your son continue to be doing well Debby. My best to you both.

melk said...

Im so glad to find your blog. It inspired me to get my recovery blog up and going. thanks will be back often I'm sure.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story. I have been watching my 27 year old brother battle a heroin addiction (and pills of course) for the past 5 years. This week things are going well...but you never know what next week will bring. I pray for him every night to get it together. It makes me sad that its not that easy. It also makes me sad how many people are going through this. It definitely affects the entire family.

So again, I so appreciate you sharing your story. It helps more than you know.

Ashley in Arizona

Cynthia Newcomer Daniel said...

I'm glad you're still there.

Erin said...

So good to hear from you again Debbie. said...

I hope your son can stay clean for himself and his family. I was engaged to someone who got addicted to heroin while we were together, it is not pretty. His family did stick by him and he has since gotten off of heroin, but he has a problem with pills now. Just remember that you are not a health professional and only your son can help himself along with his doctor. All you can do is support him the best you can and prey. said...

I hope your son can stay clean for himself and his family. I was engaged to someone who got addicted to heroin while we were together, it is not pretty. His family did stick by him and he has since gotten off of heroin, but he has a problem with pills now. Just remember that you are not a health professional and only your son can help himself along with his doctor. All you can do is support him the best you can and prey.

Her Broken Wing said...

when I came off my drug of choice... I was on suboxone for some time... now i can say, i'm sober and have been... would not want to go back pn any form of mind altering med...

praying for your son..

Beautifully Awkward

A Mom's Serious Blunder said...

Hope all is well and think of you often...

Shelley said...

I just read your whole blog. My name is Shelley and I'm an ex drug addict. I've been kicked out of my parents house. I've been through detoxes and rehabs, 2 of them that I was forced into before the age of 18. I've done probation-ordered meetings, and I've sat in jail. I've been robbed, kicked out, beaten up, everything. I've been a prostitute and a dealer but never a thief (it's not my style). None of this ever fazed me, it was a lifestyle I had glorified forever. I used to watch the homeless begging for change when I was 7 or 8 years old, and think "wow, imagine the FREEDOM those guys have! They don't have to be home for dinner, they don't have anyone telling them what to do, they can party all night if they want to." Maybe not the healthiest way to think, but there it was. What I'm trying to say was, there was no rehab or treatment center or 12 step meeting that had any sort of magical cure for me and my addiction- I "did time" at many of them (sometimes over a year) and it meant nothing to me. Desperation, "rock bottom", getting hurt, getting yet another felony, it all meant nothing because I wanted to get high.

I've been clean now since Feb (or March, not sure?) 2009, clean off illegal drugs since Feb/March 2008. I decided I wanted to get clean, and I did it while still living on the streets. I did go through a methadone program (maintenance) for 1 year and it helped me immensely- mostly because I hated the way methadone made me feel and I wanted off it ASAP. It took me a year to kick the methadone and be completely off opiates. In September 2008 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who is my life in the way that drugs were once my life. She occupies my thoughts all day and makes me smile right when I wake up- I love her more than I ever thought possible. The odds are, she might end up drug addicted (as she was born addicted to methadone). Maybe I'll get to be the mother of a drug addict too, and maybe I'll deserve everything I get. But I just wanted to share that young people can and do get sober- ONLY IF THEY WANT TO. Those stupid 12 step meetings and detox centers did nothing but get me a whole new group of friends to get high with. My parents (no offense to you) also seemed to have THEIR way for me to get clean- boarding school, NA meetings, sponsorship, random UA testing, etc. This didn't work for me because I didn't want it, although I could pretend I wanted it if it got me something else I wanted. I found my own way and never looked back. Good luck to your boy and to you- some of us can make it. Hope he's in that 3% or whatever it is now.

One last thing- my parents were also extremely supportive. I could always count on them to buy me food if I spent all my money on heroin, let me stay the night if I was homeless and it was raining hard, give me a ride, buy me lunch, put gas in my car, etc. If I had moved back home (per their requests) I don't think I ever would have gotten clean. I needed to understand that NO ONE HAD MY BACK if I spent all my cash on heroin and didn't have a place to sleep or any money to eat. You gotta do what you think is right for your family, but living at home (a home like you described yours to be) is so cozy, so easy, and so boring (as in, not filled with the drama of the streets) that it's an easy place to say that you're gonna do just one more (in my case, shot). Parents are easy to lie to (as you may have noticed) especially when they really want to trust you. I can look my mom in the eye and tell her the exact opposite of what's going on- I'm not proud of that fact, but it's true. It makes me feel worse since I became a mother myself, although my daughter is still just a baby (2 years old) I feel that protective unconditional love that I know won't end when she turns 10, or 18, or 21, or 50.


Sid said...


I've been a heroin addict for nearly fourteen years, starting at 17.

Ive struggled for years with it, and the damage and pain you cause your family is awful, it also feeds back into the cycle of using though through the guilt!

Interesting blog anyway, I know writing really helps me.. I've recently started blogging about it all anyway


Ive blogged about it anyway