Am I okay? Each day, I have to go through a routine to make sure that I don't slip into feeling discouraged. I have to many thing I wish I could share with "beginner" parents whose kids are drug addicts. There are days when it all feels so daunting.
My daily routine is one of praying every morning. My prayer varies, of course. But, in general, my prayers include:
Dear Father. Thank you that my son is alive today. I pray that you will bless my son, today, with an event that he will know comes from you. I pray that my son is becoming more aware of temptation, and that your Holy Spirit will help him to know that he is being tricked. Please, father, continue to sever friendships that lead him into temptation. I pray that my son will find a friend that you have sent into his life. I pray that you will give me wisdom to know what I should or should not do to help my son. I pray that my son will find a better job, and that he will learn how to manage his finances so that he doesn't worry so much. I lift up in prayer, A and R, who are in an abyss of drug use and addiction. Please, bring their darkness into your perfect light, that they might find sobriety. I pray this, in Jesus Name.
This is my morning and daily bread that I need.
How is my son? I feel so much sympathy for him. He is not making enough money to make ends meet. He tosses and turns at night. I admire that he still goes to work on time, and doesn't flake out. He is still having problems with his roommate, A. A is using drugs, and my son is angry about it. For that reason, A paid part of the rent, but not all of it. My son is in rent arrears. I cannot interfere. There's a reason why.
While my son is struggling, I pray he will find perseverance in never giving up. This is hard for him to do, I know. He's so young, and I think drugs were his escape from dealing with the struggles of life. I've come to realize that if I was to pay his rent, my son would not find the courage to change things.
I see improvement on my son's need for money. He no longer wants designer close and all those frilly things. He's got a pretty good attitude about it. He doesn't complain. He's gotten used to not having cable TV, nor video games. He reads and watches a few movies he owns, over and over again.
His car is in the repair shop again. It's a lemon. It's hard for him, but he never complains. I pick him up a couple times a week. He's always thankful.
My relationship with B has shifted to a new level. B is beginning to understand that he is no longer a child. He is very respectful to me. He doesn't cuss at me anymore, and he doesn't get mad. He doesn't ask me for money. The best part, is that I feel we are beginning to talk as adults, to one another.
I've changed, too. My anger is gone. When my son is down, he calls me. I try to encourage him, and he usually perks up. I feel as though he values my wisdom. I'm thrilled with this!
But-- that doesn't mean there aren't problems. There are plenty of them. Will my son be able to pay his rent in a few days? Will he figure out how to get rid of A and will a new roommate really work out?
I feel bad for my son. His life is definitely a struggle. No word, yet, if he will qualify for Medical. No work on food stamps. It takes time, which I told him. I pray he will get Medi-Cal insurance for his diabetes and to pay for his methadone. I can't believe I am saying this, but the methadone is working for my son. He says he has no desire to use at all! Consequently, he's disgusted with his friend/roommate who is using. I pray that the roommate will move on, and my son will find a way to get a roommate who isn't using. He says he has, so we shall see.
There are times when I catch myself worrying about my son. When I do, I go back into prayer mode. I have to be careful, because I didn't realize I was being impatient with my husband. I realized he seemed very quiet, and then it came out. I felt bad, and I realized that I must be suppressing my stress within and it manifested in wanting to be alone. I tend to do that, when I'm stressed. I'm married, so that's not the best thing to do.
So, there you have it. B called, and he sounds "down". It wears me out, sometimes, being the Cheerleader. I try not to worry about him.
He's alive. He wants to be sober. I thank God, each day, that he is not in jail or dead.
I'll try to pop in more often. I'm sorry, but I haven't checked in on anyone else's blog. I need to do that, and I'll try to do that this weekend.
I pray that my blogger friends are hanging in there. I need to rewind to where I got my momentum going-- trying to share my wisdom with others. I seem to have writer's block on that, though. It'll come back.