Thursday, February 25, 2010

Pulse Check. Yeah, I'm still here, just distracted....

It's been a while since I've written on this blog. I had a pulse check from Ron, to see if I'm okay. That means a lot.

Am I okay? Each day, I have to go through a routine to make sure that I don't slip into feeling discouraged. I have to many thing I wish I could share with "beginner" parents whose kids are drug addicts. There are days when it all feels so daunting.

My daily routine is one of praying every morning. My prayer varies, of course. But, in general, my prayers include:

Dear Father. Thank you that my son is alive today. I pray that you will bless my son, today, with an event that he will know comes from you. I pray that my son is becoming more aware of temptation, and that your Holy Spirit will help him to know that he is being tricked. Please, father, continue to sever friendships that lead him into temptation. I pray that my son will find a friend that you have sent into his life. I pray that you will give me wisdom to know what I should or should not do to help my son. I pray that my son will find a better job, and that he will learn how to manage his finances so that he doesn't worry so much. I lift up in prayer, A and R, who are in an abyss of drug use and addiction. Please, bring their darkness into your perfect light, that they might find sobriety. I pray this, in Jesus Name.

This is my morning and daily bread that I need.

How is my son? I feel so much sympathy for him. He is not making enough money to make ends meet. He tosses and turns at night. I admire that he still goes to work on time, and doesn't flake out. He is still having problems with his roommate, A. A is using drugs, and my son is angry about it. For that reason, A paid part of the rent, but not all of it. My son is in rent arrears. I cannot interfere. There's a reason why.

While my son is struggling, I pray he will find perseverance in never giving up. This is hard for him to do, I know. He's so young, and I think drugs were his escape from dealing with the struggles of life. I've come to realize that if I was to pay his rent, my son would not find the courage to change things.

I see improvement on my son's need for money. He no longer wants designer close and all those frilly things. He's got a pretty good attitude about it. He doesn't complain. He's gotten used to not having cable TV, nor video games. He reads and watches a few movies he owns, over and over again.

His car is in the repair shop again. It's a lemon. It's hard for him, but he never complains. I pick him up a couple times a week. He's always thankful.

My relationship with B has shifted to a new level. B is beginning to understand that he is no longer a child. He is very respectful to me. He doesn't cuss at me anymore, and he doesn't get mad. He doesn't ask me for money. The best part, is that I feel we are beginning to talk as adults, to one another.

I've changed, too. My anger is gone. When my son is down, he calls me. I try to encourage him, and he usually perks up. I feel as though he values my wisdom. I'm thrilled with this!

But-- that doesn't mean there aren't problems. There are plenty of them. Will my son be able to pay his rent in a few days? Will he figure out how to get rid of A and will a new roommate really work out?

I feel bad for my son. His life is definitely a struggle. No word, yet, if he will qualify for Medical. No work on food stamps. It takes time, which I told him. I pray he will get Medi-Cal insurance for his diabetes and to pay for his methadone. I can't believe I am saying this, but the methadone is working for my son. He says he has no desire to use at all! Consequently, he's disgusted with his friend/roommate who is using. I pray that the roommate will move on, and my son will find a way to get a roommate who isn't using. He says he has, so we shall see.

There are times when I catch myself worrying about my son. When I do, I go back into prayer mode. I have to be careful, because I didn't realize I was being impatient with my husband. I realized he seemed very quiet, and then it came out. I felt bad, and I realized that I must be suppressing my stress within and it manifested in wanting to be alone. I tend to do that, when I'm stressed. I'm married, so that's not the best thing to do.

So, there you have it. B called, and he sounds "down". It wears me out, sometimes, being the Cheerleader. I try not to worry about him.

He's alive. He wants to be sober. I thank God, each day, that he is not in jail or dead.

I'll try to pop in more often. I'm sorry, but I haven't checked in on anyone else's blog. I need to do that, and I'll try to do that this weekend.

I pray that my blogger friends are hanging in there. I need to rewind to where I got my momentum going-- trying to share my wisdom with others. I seem to have writer's block on that, though. It'll come back.


9 comments:

Bristolvol said...

Sometimes you just need to give yourself a break and try to take care of yourself.

Tom at Recovery Helpdesk said...

I think you are doing a great job Debby...as is your son.

Is it possible for the roommate to start treatment with methadone too? Would he be a good roommate if he wasn't using and was paying the bills?

Anonymous said...

Very glad to hear the methadone is working for him, as it did for me. I am coming up on six years now free of illicit drug use thanks to methadone treatment, after twenty years of using and 13 failed attempts at abstinence based rehab, and my life is better than it has ever been. Methadone gets a bad rap, often undeservedly so, as there are many patients out there doing great on it that no one sees or knows about.

I hope things continue to go well for your son.

A Mom's Serious Blunder said...

"He's alive and he wants to be sober". I guess sometimes that has to be enough of a blessing. I wish you peace because I know how that can quiet the mind and quiet the soul...something that I am guessing we all crave at some point. You are such a good mother.

Cheri said...

Debby,

Hang in there. You are in our prayers. I think that it is wonderful that the methadone is working for B, and it truly does sound like God is working healing between you all. The way you describe your relationship with B reminds me of my husband's and my relationship with our son now. In fact, he called last night to ask us to pray. He was feeling stressed, and in his words, he said, "I can't do what I used to do to relieve stress, so I called for prayer." We prayed with him on the phone.

And as far as your husband and your need to be alone and him feeling shut out or shut off... God reveals things to us when He is ready to help us deal with them; so dig in and let God help you renew yourself with your husband. If the two of you are in it together, it is half the stress for each of you. Sounds silly, but it's true. A drug-addicted child can tear a marriage apart or bring it closer together. Let it bring you closer.

You guys are in our prayers,
Hugs,
Cheri and Wayne

Angelo said...

This is so great. I am so happy for B. OK, he is having problems that are of great concern but, he is CLEAN! The methadone is doing its job. Taking away the obsession to use. Things will get better as long as he is clean. His background is still clean as far as no felony convictions go right? This is a big plus. He has a drivers license what about getting his CDL license to drive a truck? School is $2,000 to about $3,000 for 3 weeks and they prepare you to pass the test. Everybody passes. Maybe he can get a driving job driving a boxed truck or delivering flowers etc. Deliver pizza at night and days he's not working. With tips he can make from $8.00 to $13.00 an hour delivering pizza.
Listen, B is clean. This is great and a major accomplishment. The problem that I see is the room mate. Also, just the whole negative bad job bad life vibe. It is always easy to feed into negativity. As long as he is on methadone he will be alright in my eyes. B is clean and this is what matters right now.

LisaC said...

Debby, don't worry about posting or reading other blogs. It is the time for you to focus on B in whatever way is good for you. Remember, you are actively supporting his recovery at this time, no longer actively supporting his addiction. That is such a blessing from God! Take care of yourself, enjoy your family and we will all continue to pray for you and B and his roommate. (Hugs and Prayers to you)

Barbara said...

Debby, glad to hear there are so many positives for B. It seems that they are getting to outweigh the negatives. I see your strength and growth too. Keep doing what you need to do - the blogs will be here :)

As for me: So far so good. Kev has a bit over 6 months clean and is taking care of business (he has a list of things to do for his probation and it keeps him busy, plus he signed up for school and is looking for a job).

Hugs to you dear lady!

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