It's been a while since I've blogged-- let alone visited my Bloggie Friends. I got a bad cold, last weekend, and I'm still coughing and sniffling. But, life goes on.
What's up with my title, today? It was yesterday's message at church. We are doing a study on James 4, and I am loving it. I thought of my son, the whole time. So, how is my son?
That's the million dollar question. He's been really sick, too. I think we exchanged germs. B missed two days of work, because of it. His boss told him that if he didn't come back to work, he was fired. Nice boss, huh? It's the same one that fired him once before, then rehired him. How I wish my son could get a better job. In my humble opinion, I don't see him making a true effort to get a new job. Sure, he applies here and there-- but he doesn't find value in my advice to follow up with a phone call.
My son shows such classic symptoms of "ADD". No, he's never been tested. I'm aware that there are folks who believe "ADD" isn't a true diagnosis. I won't go into that, right now. It's just a hunch. My point is, that my son can't focus on one thing. Sadly, he's so darn intelligent! As a mom, watching from a distance, he is a professional procrastinator. He has no perseverence. He gives up, so easily.
My wonderful pastor, spoke on this and it really hit home. My son is living his life for one thing-- sobriety. This is a good thing, but I think he's missing the vital tools to find the strength and conviction to know what to do when (I didn't say "if") the need to use hits him. I believe, with 1001% percent of my heart, that my desire to follow God-- no, WALK WITH God is what keeps me moving forward. I have shared my testimony on how my faith has changed the person I once was. My son is holding hands with the devil.
Did you know that 87% of Christians see "The Devil" as a figure of speech, and don't believe his is real? I believe that there really is a Satan-- a fallen angel-- and I believe that he seeks to destroy us. Until my son has a revival in his heart (which he once had), his life will be filled with such sorrow and stress.
That's where B is right now. He didn't take care of his financial business, is all I will say. It meant that his methadone clinic began to dose his methadone down. B was feeling the first signs of withdrawal, this weekend. I could hear the panic in his voice.
What am I talking about? For any newcomers, my son is on methadone. He didn't make his payment on time, and on weekends the office staff is gone. So his dose got cut and he can feel it. The clinic explained this to me-- that if $350.00 a month is paid in full by the 10th of the month, they won't just cut off a patient. But, they'll begin the detox doses. It reaffirms my observation that my son is scared to death of withdrawals! How I pray that my son can find the courage to find sobriety without need of methadone. I know, I know... many of you have explained that methadone has/is saved/saving your lives. I get it. Sadly, if my son would have kept is promise to go and apply for Medi-Cal, most likely he wouldn't have to pay $350.00 a month. My son should get Medi-Cal since he lives below poverty level and he is a diabetic. Alas, he just doesn't get into the office to wait the long time that it takes-- that takes perseverance, and my son doesn't have it.
B called me, last night, saying he felt like shi*. He sounded worried and said he didn't want to be alone. He asked if he could come over, and I said yes. He never answered his phone. I am supposed to pick him up in 30 minutes, to take his car into the repair shop. He's not answering. He didn't answer his phone, last night.
What did I do? I prayed. I gave it to God. I cannot collapse or fret with worry. Maybe my son can learn the consequences of not taking care of responsibilities... maybe this is a wakeup call? I can only hope so. I tell you the truth-- prayer gave me a sense of calm. I didn't hit the panic button.
My son frets and worries and falls apart so easily. How I pray that my son would discover, that when we walk with God....trust God... talk to God, that he fills our heart with courage. "B, please focus on the solutions-- and not the problem" is my Mommy wisdom that seems to fall deaf on his ears. Come to think of it, I used to be like that at his age-- I seemed to fly into a tailspin at the first sign of problems. That was all "Before Jesus" in my own life-- which has only been about 15 years of my 54 years of age.
UPDATE: As I typed, my son called. He fell asleep. He's okay. He's feeling crappy, because his dose of methadone got decreased. The office is closed, due to the holiday.
My thoughts? Addiction is a crazy world. I cannot fully understand it. To the best of my non-addict mind, my son's world is held captive by the battle of his brain craving the drug it wants. The only thing my son can find comfort with is a chemical form of opiates to "trick" his brain and calm it down. How I pray that my son will be set free of that!
I love God with all of my heart. I have met so many Christians, who love God as I do. I have heard their stories of how God has comforted them through live events that are heartbreaking. If only my son could live each day, putting God first in his life. The devil is tempting my son. How I wish my son had just ONE Godly friend.
Enough said. I will continue on with my series of revamping my life as the Mother of a Drug Addict--from the beginning-- later on. Right now, I have some praying to do.
May God fill each person's heart with his presence. Lord, I pray that you will reveal yourselves to those who doubt you exist. I pray that those who blame you for the sorrows of this world, will realize that it's Satan's Evil handiwork. Fill my heart, Lord, with your Holy Power and Presence, that I will have the courage to face the trials and tribulations of life on Earth. I pray that you will take my fear and worries into your perfect and all-knowing Hands, and fill my heart with joy and hope. I pray for my son-- and so many other drug addicts and families of drug addicts-- that you will be their Higher Power... Yahweh, Father God in Heaven. Thank you for your grace and mercy. May those who believe in you, extend your grace and mercy on others.